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  1. #1
    Vein's Avatar
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    The Warrior(Chosen One) Chapter 1 -Bolt

    The Warrior(Chosen one) Facing Dawn
    Long time ago in the village of blood or known as the blood village due to its intense wars which led to countless bloodshed there lived two prominent clans who were the most dominant of them all and who where the battle leaders and head of the villages there was the Noki family and the kanshi Family they all grew angry and sad over the bloodshed and decided to summon the village witch Shiva who told them that a child of testicles was to be the warrior who we bring peace to the village and truly end the bloodshed, hearing this both families knew the warrior we be of male origin so they locked on all their pregnant women in cage and dorms as a source of protection ,each having fair of harm being done to the children, so the time came and both families female gave birth but all were girls and not of testicles except two one from each family so they came to the witch both saying and laying claim that their child was the warrior so the witch set up a series of three tests to select the warrior the first was for both children to be thrown into the sea and the first to cry out loud due to the cold sensation of the stream was the warrior but none did so she moved on to the next test which was for then to be fed and see the child who eats the food and not throws it up will be the warrior but this was unsuccessful so she made the final thirst which was for both children to go to Exclasia Which was their creator and founding father of the village sword and see who when brought near to the sword makes it glow …At last this proved successful and the warrior was born he was from the noki tribe Nagashi which means the warrior and the other child was given Iyashi Which mean disgrace and the false one as as punishment for not being the choosen one.

    Character Synopsis And Details
    1.Nagashi Noki: The choosen one and future welder Of Exclasia.

    2.Iyashi Kanshi:Seen as a disappointment of his clan but one who has future potential.

    3.Yamato Kanshi:Iyashi over pressuring father who thinks lowly of him.

    4.Ayame Noki;Mother of Nagashi noki and widow.

    5.Yoichi San:Nagashi Trainer and Mentor.

    6.Ibuki chan:Girlfriend To Iyashi Who secretly loves Nagashi.

    7.Kojima :Iyachi Mentor And teacher with a dark history.


    18 Years Later Tale Starts in The Village

    Ayame :Stay put nagashi I am heading to the war front with yamato the rebels forces are trying to destroy the village.

    Nagashi:I have packed my clothes am going with you.

    Ayame:Don’t be stupid ur destiny is far greater than this you need to live on.

    Nagashi:But Mom.

    Yamato:Iyashi we gotta go now.

    Ayame:Just give me a few seconds ok.

    Yamato :Fine while you do that I will go talk to iyashi.

    (some minutes later)
    Yamato:Iyashi where are you come here I demand so now.

    Iyashi:Im sorry papa I was practicing swords.
    (reaches over and slaps him)

    Yamato:You child your 18 and now a full grown man pick up your sword lets go battle .

    Iyashi;But dad why cant I keep on practicing like nagashi and the rest.

    Yamato:I don’t see anyone calling you the choosen one so till then cut the crap.

    Iyahsine day I will prove everyone wrong I will battle nagashi and kill him and take the name of the choosen.

    Yamato:Don’t say such things those are the cause of wars.

    Ayame:Lets go now the forces are retreating we have the leading hand.

    Yamatok am coming.

    Yamato:Remember this my son we can fight with the noku clan eat with them but never friend them that is faith ok?

    IyashI:Yes Father.

    (Ayame And Yamato head out to the battle field)
    Yamato:Watch your back ayame aaah………. I have gotten with them damn shiruken ayame save your self.

    Ayame :Yamato am coming (arrives the scene) The shiruken has hit your heart pulmonary arteries And stop blood loss this is far beyond my medical ninjutsu.

    Yamato:Ayame Go off now before you get hit too I know the road ends here for me…aaah…..(breaths heavily) I love you.

    Ayame:Yamato I love you too its sad that our friendship must end this way
    Yamato:it truly is and I told my son not to befriend your family members go back and tell him about us and give him this journal.

    Ayame:Yes yamato yes I will.

    Yamato:Until our paths cross each other again bye(Eyes shut and is dead)

    Ayame:No No (blood drips from her mouth as she begin to bleed) what this?

    Was I hit too I must not have recognized it (coughs profusely and drops down on the floor too)

    Ayame;(Holds hand with yamato as she lay dying) nagashi live on to complete your destiny(she closes her eyes and dies)

    (Later At The Camp Site)
    Iyachi:They should have been back by now what is wrong I have to go meet nagashi

    (On his way he meets ibuki)

    Ibuki chan:Hmm Iyachi were are you such in a hurry to go.

    Iyachi:Yeah am heading to see nagashi now to ask him bout yamato.

    Ibuki chan:Come On my horse will get there faster.

    Iyachik fine saddle the horse.

    Ibuki;I am done jump up.

    (iyachi jumps on the horse and rides with ibuki to see nagashi they arrive about 2 hours later only to see nagashi in tears)

    Nagashi:you what are you doing hear?(sobs silently and throws a sword at him)

    Iyachiblocks the sword by forming a protective shield around himself from his chakra) I am hear to ask you about yamato my father if you or your mother have seen him.

    Nagashi:My mother ,who was killed because of your father if he hadn’t forced her to go with him she will be alive.

    Iyachi(tears rows out of his eye ) Are you saying papa yamato san is dead.

    Nagashi:Yes I am and don’t pretend.

    Iyachi:Pretend I did not know I came here mainly to ask about their locations no he cant be dead(sobs…)

    Ibuki:Iyachi I mourn with you and nagashi take courage that they both died serving the village.

    Nagashi;Yeah I guess so iyachi go to the village square center to pick up the bodies I will prepare the burial properties we shall bury them tonight.

    Iyachi:What they are not lovers only lovers are buried together or are they?

    Nagashi:Yes they were and I suspected so but my thoughts were confirmed when fellow shinobi hear they exchange words of emotions with each other.

    Iyachi:I cant believe dad would cheat on mom who dies only 7 years ago with a ****

    Nagashi:it is your father that is the **** for tarnishing my late papa image.

    Ibuki:Guys come down arguing will not make them reappear or come back

    Nagashi:I suppose your right

    Iyachi:she may be

    Ibuki:Now iyachi go take the bodies when u arrive back the preparations will have ended,so then the burial will start.

    Iyachik are you coming?

    Ibuki:nope I will help out here

    Iyachikay

    (As iyachi goes away ibuki runs over to console and kiss nagashi but he shouts saying these words)

    Nagashi:Stop no one must see us not iyachi or any village member or kin you know this is forbidden

    Ibuki:What is that?

    Nagashi:For the chosen one to have female counterparts or concubines so stop.

    Ibukikay

    Hours later Iyachi Arrives With The Corps
    Iyachi:Here are the bodies I have assembled them together

    Nagashi:Quick Bring The bodies Here (Sobs….)I cant believe this is real.

    Iyachi:Nagashi control yourself .

    Nagashi:Help me put the bodies in the graves.

    Iyachi:I will as soon as your ready.

    Nagashi:I am
    (Both boys bury their kins and close the graves sobbing silently as they go away)

    Nagashi:So what does this mean for us?

    Iyachi:It means shit I will go one to hating you and you to ignoring me.

    Nagashi:ehh

    Iyachi:But I tell you the next time we meet here it will be a fight to the death.

    Nagashi:if so I will win.

    Iyachi:Goodbye nagashi with our kins gone we shall take the tittles of leaders of our clans.

    Nagashi:I am not ready not now it,s too early.

    Iyachi:Don’t be stupid you are the warrior and I am the shamed one so do your duty.

    Nagashi:Iyachi I don’t think of you like that .

    Iyachi:It does not matter but I will avenge my father and lead the clan.

    Nagashi:Avenge who?

    Iyachi:Goodbye nagashi

    Nagashi:Goodbye

    Written And Edited by Thunderbolt

    S-jounin NarutoBase
     
         

  2. #2
    BEEP!BEEP!BOOP! Sonne's Avatar
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    Re: The Warrior(Chosen One) Chapter 1 -Bolt

    Basically, too messy.
    Try to keep everything tidy, and make sure there are no huge walls of text.
     
         

  3. #3
    Vein's Avatar
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    Re: The Warrior(Chosen One) Chapter 1 -Bolt

    Quote Originally Posted by Nocturnal View Post
    Basically, too messy.
    Try to keep everything tidy, and make sure there are no huge walls of text.
    WTH did u even read it
     
         

  4. #4
    Braaaaiiiins Zombie's Avatar
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    Re: The Warrior(Chosen One) Chapter 1 -Bolt

    Seriously, did you even read it, Thunderbolt?

    "A child of testicles"

    Really? At least use basic punctuation. The entire thing is a run on sentence. None of it makes any sense whatsoever. Time and time again you are hounded for terrible grammar, and then you go and disgrace the FF section with this rubbish drivel?

    Then you have the nerve to think this is even worthy of a medal in the FFotM?
     
         
    Last edited by Caliburn; 01-11-2012 at 03:04 PM.

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