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  1. #1
    Previous UN: Yama Cadmuss's Avatar
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    The Sacred Stone: Chapter One

    The Sacred Stone: Chapter One


    There was the sound of horses running through the woods, and there were bombs exploding in every direction. But in a particular part of the woods, were the Yamadara warriors. A fierce clan known for their bravery and swordsmanship.

    There were 11 in total that were riding through the woods together, the leader of this pack was a man named Yugimara, he was in his 40's and stood 6'4". He has long dark hair and eyes as cold as the winter, they were dark brown, and alone was enough to make most his enemies think twice before challenging him. His assistant was a man is his mid 20's and stood 6'0" tall, he's been fighting in this was since he was 15, he looks up to his captain and would gladly lay his life down. His name was Hyunimara, and he's getting to be quite well known on the battlefield, Hynuimara of the Lightning, it was said that the last thing his opponents would see is the quick light reflecting off his sword before their deaths.


    Yugimara: We have to hurry, we have a unit that's pinned down to the east, they need backup immediately.

    Hyunimara: where the heck is the Batawama clan? They should have been there by now.

    Yugimara: I know, something is not right.


    The Batawama clan was known for their accuracy with their arrows, but what makes them even more dangerous is that they remain invisible while doing so, in the woods, they are the worst kind to fight. They formed an alliance with Yamadara warriors.


    Yugimara: Up ahead, there are four enemies on horseback, they appear to be from the Uga clan. Hyunimara take them, we don't have time to slow down.

    Hyunimara: Gotcha captain.


    As the small unit of the Yamadara clan were approaching the Uga clan, Hyunimara drew his sword. The Uga clan got prepared to attack, the four of them saw a light, and then it was lights out. The Yamadara clan rode pass without ever stopping, while the four heads of the Uga clan bounced off the armor of the Yamadara from warrior to warrior as they all rode pass before ever hitting the ground.

    Hyunimara: Captain!! There are 40 more ahead!!

    Yugimara: Crap!! This isn't good!! Hyunimara my horse.

    Hyunimara: I got it.

    Yugimara jumped off his horse and ran straight towards the enemy which wasn't on horseback, faster than his horses he reached them within seconds.

    Yamadara warrior: Is he crazy, there are 40 of them, he needs help!!

    Hyunimara: Silence, and just watch how he earned the name Greatest Swordsman of the North.

    When Yugimara reached them, he pulled out his two swords and swung one of them at the first three, the three Uga raised to block, but their swords snapped in two as did their bodies, using his momentum from swinging he continued to turn his body and let the second sword fly(which is almost as long as him). It pierced the chest of one of the Uga and and caused him to fly back into four more of his comrades, with the sword piercing all of them. Five more of the Uga ran up to him and each swung their sword at him simultaneously, he caught one of the swords with his hand and instantly swung the sword along with they guy into the sword of the others. Using their shock of stabbing their own comrade against them, he took the opportunity to decapitate the four of them.

    Not stopping their, he ran to get his other sword, he picked it up with the five slain still on them, he then proceeded to fight the other 27, using his sword with the bodies to block and obstruct their view, while using his other sword to attack.

    Within a short time, they were all dead. The Yamadara were all shocked, this were their first time seeing their captain battle 40 enemies, they only heard rumors of his swordsmanship and cleverness.

    They never had to stop, and they were now catching up to their captain, when suddenly an arrow came flying out the woods hitting the Yugimara in his shoulder, the weight and velocity of the arrow took him straight to the ground.

    Hyunimara: Captain!!!

    Ten more arrows came flying from the woods, instantly killing the other warriors, Hyunimara was able to deflect his arrow and immediately hopped off his horse to cover his captain, he was standing beside him deflecting all the arrows, he then grabbed his captain and dragged him behind a tree while defending with his other hand. They were now safely hiding behind cover.

    Hyuinamra: Captain!!

    Yugimara: IT'S THE BATAWAMA!! WE'VE BEEN BETRAYED!!


    THE END
     
         
    Last edited by Cadmuss; 11-24-2011 at 07:46 PM.

  2. #2
    Rozzy's Avatar
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    Re: The Sacred Stone: Chapter One

    Good but short + rep
     
         

  3. #3
    Previous UN: Yama Cadmuss's Avatar
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    Re: The Sacred Stone: Chapter One

    Quote Originally Posted by ShikamarUchiha10 View Post
    Good but short + rep
    thanks, I guess I will try to make the next chapter longer, I thought people wouldn't bother to read it if it's too long
     
         

  4. #4
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: The Sacred Stone: Chapter One

    he's been fighting in this was since he was 15
    ^I think was is suppose to be war? ^_^

    Not stopping their
    ^wrong there

    Ok I read it story line was good from what I could decifer through some of the errors that were there. The two above were just small samples. As I was reading I noticed a lot of shifting in tense use as you would go from past tense to present tense usage of your words. Remember always stick to one tense! Also you said THEIR alot lol. Try to refrain from repitition and mix up your vocabulary some what. Reconstructing sentences to improve the way it sounds, is a good way to also avoid repititon. If you ever need help though feel free to ask me. I'd be happy to help in anyway I can. I don't sugar coat things, as if I did, you wouldn't learn anything. So please don't take my words as omg she's looking for errors. It's really not that lol. I'm just trying to point them out to you, so that way you can try to refrain from repeating the errors often. I enjoyed the story line though, *dreamy sigh* got to love blood shed. WTH is wrong with me?! lol >.>
     
         

  5. #5
    Previous UN: Yama Cadmuss's Avatar
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    Re: The Sacred Stone: Chapter One

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    he's been fighting in this was since he was 15
    ^I think was is suppose to be war? ^_^

    Not stopping their
    ^wrong there

    Ok I read it story line was good from what I could decifer through some of the errors that were there. The two above were just small samples. As I was reading I noticed a lot of shifting in tense use as you would go from past tense to present tense usage of your words. Remember always stick to one tense! Also you said THEIR alot lol. Try to refrain from repitition and mix up your vocabulary some what. Reconstructing sentences to improve the way it sounds, is a good way to also avoid repititon. If you ever need help though feel free to ask me. I'd be happy to help in anyway I can. I don't sugar coat things, as if I did, you wouldn't learn anything. So please don't take my words as omg she's looking for errors. It's really not that lol. I'm just trying to point them out to you, so that way you can try to refrain from repeating the errors often. I enjoyed the story line though, *dreamy sigh* got to love blood shed. WTH is wrong with me?! lol >.>
    thanks a lot, it looks like I got quite a bit of editing to do as I probably made the same mistakes in the other ones as well, lol.
     
         

  6. #6
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: The Sacred Stone: Chapter One

    Quote Originally Posted by yama View Post
    thanks a lot, it looks like I got quite a bit of editing to do as I probably made the same mistakes in the other ones as well, lol.
    Don't worry, sensei will find your errors for you. She's NB's English teacher

    Besides all that I liked your chapter and when I have the time I'll get to your other ones :D
     
         

  7. #7
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: The Sacred Stone: Chapter One

    Quote Originally Posted by yama View Post
    thanks a lot, it looks like I got quite a bit of editing to do as I probably made the same mistakes in the other ones as well, lol.
    Once you get the hang of it you will end up like my student Reborn and be a good writer without having someone point out errors for you.

    @ Reborn when the hell did i become an English teacher?! lol
     
         

  8. #8
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    Re: The Sacred Stone: Chapter One

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    Once you get the hang of it you will end up like my student Reborn and be a good writer without having someone point out errors for you.

    @ Reborn when the hell did i become an English teacher?! lol
    Did I upset you by saying that sensei
     
         

  9. #9
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: The Sacred Stone: Chapter One

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    Did I upset you by saying that sensei
    lol of course not it's flattering really.
     
         

  10. #10
    Previous UN: Yama Cadmuss's Avatar
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    Re: The Sacred Stone: Chapter One

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    Don't worry, sensei will find your errors for you. She's NB's English teacher

    Besides all that I liked your chapter and when I have the time I'll get to your other ones :D
    LOL, and thanks, hope you enjoy those as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    Once you get the hang of it you will end up like my student Reborn and be a good writer without having someone point out errors for you.

    @ Reborn when the hell did i become an English teacher?! lol
    lol, yeah, I can't wait to just write and know I'm not making any mistakes.
     
         

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