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  1. #1
    Senior Member aradmehr's Avatar
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    the story of a boy named hasan.

    chapter 1

    In heydar abad(pakistan)there was a very poor family,the mothers name was amene,the father,hosein,and their son,hasan.war was broken out and many were killed,and the others fleed to the desert,hasan's family was one of them.then a mafia group named oghaban syeah abused people,they lend money and took it back with 50% as tax.then they saw hasan;s poor family and offered them money.Hosein had no other choice but to accept because his family was starving to death.then when the leader of the group saw hosein,he immediately recognized him,he was the person that when he was a kid and had no parents gave him shelter but enslaved him.however he,with bad thoughs,lended him money.the name of the leader of the group was ali.Hosein's family lived for a year with that money then the mafia appeared at their door and said:we lended you money,now we want it back with 50%tax.their family did not have such money and Hosein said:i only have the money you gave me and i kept it all this time with only hard work.
    then they killed Hosein,as soon as amene heard that sound she knew whats going on so she grabbed hasan and ran as fast as they could but it was no use,they shot amene and she died in front of hasan;s eyes.(in here hasan was 13 but the next chapter will take place in his 30's)
     
         

  2. #2
    Senior Member aradmehr's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy named hasan.

    this chapter was very short because this only explained what the story is about.the next one will be longer.
    i am not from pakistan but i have studied for about a yrear about there culture,so i worked hard for this story.
     
         
    Last edited by aradmehr; 11-25-2011 at 07:39 AM.

  3. #3
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy named hasan.

    ok I'm in no way shape or form being mean. Just some tips:
    1. Please put some space between paragraphs it makes it way easier to read in a forum way. If not then it all just looks like it runs together and my eyes does this number @.@
    2. Please always check your work. I saw many errors that were bacis ones like double spacing where needed and also upper casing the next letter at the start of a sentence.

    Now onto the story part:
    I understand that this chapter is to basically a prologue. Just to introduce what's going on and such. However I believe that it could have been done differently to gain more people's attention. Instead of just telling us, you should have showed us the tradegy occuring. Show us as the reader what it's like to be in a war zone. Maybe start off with gun fire filling the air and people rushing off to safety. <- that will grab people's attention to want to know why people are shooting at others. I think I've been watching too much Burn Notice lol. However always keep in mind that imagery is a powerful tool when telling a story, especially when we rely on the author for every detail since we know none. ^_^ I do like the idea of the story I just felt like you were holding back, as if you approached it the wrong way.
     
         

  4. #4
    Member ElricBrothers's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy named hasan.

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    ok I'm in no way shape or form being mean. Just some tips:
    1. Please put some space between paragraphs it makes it way easier to read in a forum way. If not then it all just looks like it runs together and my eyes does this number @.@
    2. Please always check your work. I saw many errors that were bacis ones like double spacing where needed and also upper casing the next letter at the start of a sentence.

    Now onto the story part:
    I understand that this chapter is to basically a prologue. Just to introduce what's going on and such. However I believe that it could have been done differently to gain more people's attention. Instead of just telling us, you should have showed us the tradegy occuring. Show us as the reader what it's like to be in a war zone. Maybe start off with gun fire filling the air and people rushing off to safety. <- that will grab people's attention to want to know why people are shooting at others. I think I've been watching too much Burn Notice lol. However always keep in mind that imagery is a powerful tool when telling a story, especially when we rely on the author for every detail since we know none. ^_^ I do like the idea of the story I just felt like you were holding back, as if you approached it the wrong way.
    Not to pick on you either, but he's definitely right.. It's more of a wall of text instead of a fan fiction right now. Not easy to read. Good job for the idea though!
     
         

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