Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
    Status
    Train is offline
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    834
    This user has no status.
     

    Hero - 2

    Read spoiler first 0_0
    Gomenesai. I'm sorry. I'm a bad author. My updates are infrequent, and my plot moves ever so slowly. *bows head*
    We don't get to see the protagonist here. At least, the one I showed so far. Sorry. Perhaps you'll see him in the end of next chapter, after I rewrite and edit it.
    This chapter lacks..well, its written a bit differently than ch.1, and the prologue. There's a lot more dialogue, and I'm explaining the story more. By the way, its set in the future, but I wanted the palace to have a more traditional/old style within. I hope this doesn't cause confusion.

    Obaasan = old woman
    Btw, when you read the word 'collaborate', just wondering, was that the right word ?

    Oh, and I promise not to write such a long chapter again.

    Chapter 1 - Rebirth

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Intrusion


    “Sayuri-sama!”

    They stood silently across from each other; each poised in a graceful battle stance, bearing their wooden staffs at the ready. Samurai.

    Both were clad and masked identically in black; but one was more taller and muscular than the other. A gentle breeze pressed upon both their figures, but failed to break the extreme awareness each warrior had of the other. Samurai.

    “Sayuri-sama!!”

    Suddenly, both warriors broke into a silent run, raising their wooden staffs to strike. The gap between them was beginning to close; they were inching closer and closer…

    …who will win?

    “SAYURI-SAMA!!”
    “Argh!”

    Abruptly the shorter warrior stopped. Noticing the opening, the taller warrior struck the staff of his opponent, effectively knocking it out of the shorter warrior’s hands. The duel was over.

    The shorter one pulled of their mask to reveal the head of an annoyed looking young woman. Her face was pale, and her small eyes were darker than night. Her hair, which was extremely short and an inky black, was ruffled by both the mask and the gentle breeze that now kissed it.

    “Haiiro! What do you want?! You made me lose!!” Sayuri yelled, looking around for the source that was calling her.

    As soon as she had taken off her mask, Sayuri became abruptly aware of the world around her again. It was a shocking feeling. It was a similar feeling to one dunking their head in cold water and becoming more wide awake, or one getting slapped in the face. She was back. Gone was the intensity of the duel, which was replaced by the huge, rectangular, stone courtyard in which she stood. The courtyard was surrounded on three of its sides by trees, and on its fourth side by a graceful landing which led into the palace. She sighed. She was back at the palace.

    She looked towards the palace end of the courtyard, where a grand staircase led to the graceful landing. Behind this landing were the great, beckoning gates that were opened and led into the palace. She squinted at the landing, noticing the small, old figure of the servant Haiiro.

    “Forgive me, Sayuri-sama. My Lord has summoned you to the Great Hall at once.”
    “Father?” Sayuri replied, startled. “He couldn’t use his Communicator?”
    Haiiro shook her head.
    “He requests your presence at once, Sayuri-sama.”
    “Alright, tell him I’m coming.” She sighed. “And it’s ‘Saya’! How many times do I have to tell you?!”
    “Sayuri is such a beautiful name granted by the Great Lady of my Lord. It’s hard not to use, Hime-sama.” She bowed her head. “I will inform my Lord at once.” She strode through the gates and back into the palace.

    The taller warrior pulled off his own mask to reveal the pale face of a handsome young man in his late twenties. He had short, jet black hair, and small, black eyes identical to Saya’s.

    “I win.” He grinned.
    Saya shook her head. “Unfair. I was distracted.”
    “And in a more realistic situation, there are a ton distractions. Trust me, I would know.”
    “Keh!” Saya scoffed. “Nii-san, of all the rounds we played, I won the most. So, I win.”
    He shrugged. “Only because I let you.”

    The siblings began to walk side by side towards the grand staircase, masks and staffs in hand.

    “I wonder what Father wants,” Saya mused, looking up at the clear sky. “Any ideas, Shiro?”
    “Well, he’s in the Great Hall. And he didn’t use his Communicator. So that must mean it’s a formal event. Be on your best behaviour, there will be people watching.”
    “What a waste, sending someone over. He could’ve just called! I hate the formality.” Saya sighed.
    Shiro glanced at her.
    “Y’know, Haiiro’s got a point. I should start using ‘Sayuri’ again. You’re nineteen now.”
    “And what does being nineteen have to do with my name?”
    “Well, your overage now. An adult. Father’s going to start giving you more responsibilities. Like sitting in meetings, making important decisions, he might even give you your own region to rule, like how he gave nii-san the Wind region.”
    “So? Why does that mean I should be called ‘Sayuri’?
    Shiro rolled his eyes.
    “It’s formal, stupid. It’s your title. The one you would use when you rule.”
    “What’s the point? I’ll never get the mantle of authority anyway. There’s nii -san, then onee-san, and then you. Even your children come before me in the line of succession according to the rules, - if they’re old enough. I’ll never be a ruler. I don’t like the idea of leading, and I wasn’t born to be a leader.”
    Shiro shrugged.
    “We don’t know what the future holds. So you should be prepared to rule, if the time were to suddenly come.”

    They climbed the staircase and reached the palace gates, where two guards stood as stiff and silent as statues. A bin of wooden staffs was placed next to the gates.

    They dropped their staffs in the bin and were about to pass through entrance into the palace, but then Saya stopped once more and turned to her brother.

    “I’d rather be samurai. Or shinobi.” She declared, crossing her arms.
    He looked at her appraisingly.
    “The samurai methods and shinobi techniques are useful in actual combat. But, there are instances where using a gun or a laser is much easier. Anyway, I don’t think father will allow his precious young daughter to collaborate with the military.”
    “Even if he did, ninjutsu would be forbidden” She sighed.
    “Of course it would,” he countered. “Everyone thinks the Uzuki family are descendants of samurai. We can’t let anyone think otherwise. Actually, the entire public assumes that no one practices ninjutsu anymore; to them, it’s something in a textbook. There aren’t anymore shinobi in the world except in – “
    “The Lightning Country, the last place for us to conquer.”

    Both siblings turned around at the sound of the new voice; there, a few steps ahead and within the palace stood a tall, beautiful, pale faced young woman also in her late twenties. She was dressed in a pink silk robe adorned with a flowery design. Long, straight black hair hung sleekly from her head, reaching her lower back. She looked like a doll, compared to Saya’s plain appearance.

    “Interesting conversation you’re having, children.” The woman teased. She wore light make up and earrings, as well as ornaments in her hair. With her high cheekbones and the aristocratic style she dressed in, she contrasted much with the Saya and Shiro.

    “Ah! Obaasan!” Saya exclaimed, running past the palace entrance to hug her.
    “Ouch, you’re squeezing me – I’m not an old lady – “

    Saya retracted her hug.

    “Do you really think we need to conquer the Country of Lightning as well, onee-san?”
    “They’re a threat. They’ve got shinobi, and highly advanced technology. Technology that could meet ours. I don’t want to hurt anybody, but they’re not exactly our friends.”
    “But if we just left them alone, - “Shiro began
    “I think in a way both of you are right, nii-san, onee-san. I would rather leave them alone in peace, but at the same time, I must be weary.” Saya stated. Then she shook her head.
    “Back to ninjutsu. I would be allowed to use it, if I were in an emergency, right?”
    “Yeah, of course,” Shiro replied. “That’s why you’ve been trained. But Saya, seriously, refrain from doing it as much as possible. I don’t think you understand how dangerous it would be for the public to know who we really are.”
    “Best not to discuss this,” Setsuke looked around wearily.
    “It’s safe here.” Shiro replied. “Where you off to anyway?”
    Setsuka cracked a grin.
    “To train! See ya!” She stepped outside into the courtyard, passing her siblings.
    “Oi!” Shiro called after her. “Getting married in a month, and your off to train?!”

    Setsuka was beginning to make her way down the staircase, and to the middle of the courtyard. She raised her arm, and without looking back, yelled “Yeah!”

    He chuckled, and then shook his head. “Typical Setsuka. She’s going to miss that courtyard.”

    The two siblings entered the palace hallway, where the ceiling was as high as the sky, and where orb-like lamps that hung on the walls resembling miniature suns lit their way. This was the guest hall, and each door was guarded by a solider. They reached its end, where there was a staircase that went both up and down.

    Shiro motioned upwards. “I’m going up. Have fun with father.”

    “Wait, you mean you’re not coming with – “

    All of a sudden the great palace began to shake. There was a huge thundering sound, as though the earth was rumbling in anger. Saya fell to her knees from the shock. Screams filled the air. Few lamps within the hallway fell and shattered into pieces, allowing darkness to swallow what little light was left. Thick smoke was emanating from down the stairs, covering any possible view of the lower floor.

    Saya was suddenly pushed and shoved as a crowd of servants began to push their way upwards, away from what seemed to be the source of trouble. The smoke was making her cough.

    “Attack! There’s been an attack! Intruders are in the palace!”

    Multiple guards were shouting. But the smoke was thick, and the lights were out; Saya couldn’t see them. She couldn't see anything. The sound of gunshots began to mingle with the screams. An alarm siren began to sound.

    Someone was pulling her up by the arm.

    “Go get Setsuka!” Shiro yelled, pushing her in the direction of the courtyard. “Both of you leave the palace. Stick together. Use your Communicator if something’s wrong!” Then his shadow disappeared into the smoke as he slipped down the stairs.

    Saya began to run through the hall and back towards the courtyard. Bodies of the guards she had passed earlier with Shiro were on the ground. She didn’t stop to check on them, but felt nauseous.

    She entered the courtyard. The skies were covered with dark clouds, as though to warn her away. The wind was howling. She looked around for the guards that were by the gates. Both were on the ground. She couldn't see any blood, but she knew they were dead because they were silent. No, its because they're lifeless. Her body became cold with horror. She forced herself to move forward.

    “Setsuka! Setsuka!!” Saya called.

    She saw the pink form her sister lying on the ground face down in the courtyard, her long black hair strewn about. She sped down the staircase.

    She probably fell from the quake, Saya thought desperately.
    She reached her sister.

    “Setsuka come! Are you OK? Did you hear the noise? We need to get out!”

    There was no response.

    Saya reached for her sister’s hand and pulled. Her sister was much too heavy. Saya’s bones chilled with fright. Her heart began to beat faster. Something was wrong.
    Did she black out? Saya was panicking. She frantically pushed her sister’s shoulder, in more effort to wake her up.

    “Come on!”

    There was no response.

    Saya lifted and peered into her sister’s face. She gasped, her eyes widening in complete horror. She let go of her sister in fright and let out a short scream.
    Setsuka’s eyes were wide open, but the mark of a bullet was buried in her forehead, leaving a trail of blood seeping down across the delicate face of the doll princess.

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    I think I wrote horribly this chapter. If there are any mistakes, tell me. I'm SICK of editing, over and over.
     
         
    Last edited by Train; 01-15-2012 at 03:02 PM. Reason: ~Grammar. Edited this a million times. Sigh.

  2. #2
    Member Cooldragon's Avatar
    Status
    Cooldragon is offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    278
    Location
    Somewhere in the universe. Look.
    This user has no status.
     

    Re: Hero - 2

    It's not long, compared to other chapters I've read.

    Huh? You've been editing this over and over again for the whole period?:confused:

    Meow, I liked the first one better, definitely. Though this was okay.

    Yay! First to post!
     
         

  3. #3
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
    Status
    Train is offline
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    834
    This user has no status.
     

    Re: Hero - 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Cooldragon View Post
    It's not long, compared to other chapters I've read.

    Huh? You've been editing this over and over again for the whole period?:confused:

    Meow, I liked the first one better, definitely. Though this was okay.

    Yay! First to post!
    Knew the first one would be better. I knew it.

    In that chapter, I was caught up in the emotions and scenery. I was having fun.
    Whereas this one felt more like I was trying to shove some plot down your throat. >.< (Speaking of which, does the plot make any sense so far?)
    I think it lacked the whole emotional/descriptions that was in the first. To me, it started to get better near the end; I took more interest when I was describing/doing the last few sentences (No, I am NOT a sadist!).

    This chapter had way more dialogue than in any of my previous works; it almost looks like script style to me, I'm concerned! o__o

    I almost considered rewriting this, but that would probably be annoying to you, since you've already read. I was also considering cutting this chapter and pasting the second half into a 3rd chapter (because of its length), but you're saying it's not long...well, I'm still considering it though. Just need to figure out where to cut, if I do.

    I edited and reread this chapter a lot before I posted it. Then when I posted it, I would come back once in a while to just to reread. Then I would find mistakes, and reread and edit again. And I've never written this much before for a chapter (I think 0.o), it was annoying to scroll through and took long. T___T

    Sigh, I want Hero to be my best work, but I feel this chapter is making the story lose the character I wanted to give it. This chapter is giving me grief!

    btw ~ were there any parts that seemed boring to you? Be honest!

    Thanks for taking the time to read.

    Edit: I didn't get what you mean by 'period', but I had been editing for what felt like hours.

    Edit x 2 : I've actually just deleted a minor part of the chapter ~ I had thought it sounded bad.
     
         
    Last edited by Train; 01-06-2012 at 06:16 PM.

  4. #4
    Reborn's Avatar
    Status
    Reborn is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    11,462
    Location
    Imagine paradise, now think of the furthest thing from it, and I'm in the place furthest from that.
    This user has no status.
     



    Re: Hero - 2

    Simply amazing *applauds*

    I can virtually see everything that's going on here, you descibe the events in the story so clearly, using precise language. I don't have time to go through each and every part I liked because I'd just be going through the entire chapter word for word.

    I truely do envy the way you're able to articulate your story in such a clear and coherent manor. I try to add as much imagery as you do into my chapters, however, I always fall short because I'm explaining lots of movement and action, which would make my chapters span into annoyingly long ones, which is something I'm working hard to avoid, as evident with Bonds

    I really do think that people are underestimating your skills as a writter, as it's been over a week and I'm the second person to comment on this work.

    You have the full package, a balanced length, great format and structure, maintaining great writing technique, and are so patient. I feel this was your best chapter of Hero.
     
         

  5. #5
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
    Status
    Train is offline
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    834
    This user has no status.
     

    Re: Hero - 2



    Seriously?!

    This chapter made me consider discontinuing Hero. Actually, it resolved me to discontinue it. I felt I had written it really badly.

    I'm glad you like my writing. I just like to describe. I didn't particularly think I was good at it, but I love to do it. Sometimes, I feel I get carried away with describing things.

    ...To the extent where I feel like I'm ignoring the plot. What I hate most is that I write because it's fun, but I don't really form the entire plot and intrigue in my head. I just like to imagine it all visually, certain scenes here and there, and skip all the details.
    (Don't know if that just made any sense).

    I mean that's why I was considering discontinuing TF. I mean, I had great plans for it, but I guess I hadn't thought it through enough (And well, my enthusiasm for it died). Same with Fire/Ice (well, I only thought of the first chapter). Same with Hero. I'm hoping to have more success with Impulse.

    But really, I see myself as a failure of an author, as I haven't been able to complete an entire story yet. I can't even update regularly. : /

    That's why I like to read your stories. You've got the whole plot ready; filled with intrigue, mystery, chaotic events, everything. Those are the skills I need; as I can't seem to make a decent plot.

    Ha, I think we'd be a great duo.

    Anyways, yes, I saw the new chapter of your fic. Course I'll read it. Thanks for reading this. It gave me hope.
     
         

  6. #6
    Reborn's Avatar
    Status
    Reborn is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    11,462
    Location
    Imagine paradise, now think of the furthest thing from it, and I'm in the place furthest from that.
    This user has no status.
     



    Re: Hero - 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Train View Post


    Seriously?!

    This chapter made me consider discontinuing Hero. Actually, it resolved me to discontinue it. I felt I had written it really badly.

    I'm glad you like my writing. I just like to describe. I didn't particularly think I was good at it, but I love to do it. Sometimes, I feel I get carried away with describing things.

    ...To the extent where I feel like I'm ignoring the plot. What I hate most is that I write because it's fun, but I don't really form the entire plot and intrigue in my head. I just like to imagine it all visually, certain scenes here and there, and skip all the details.
    (Don't know if that just made any sense)
    .

    I mean that's why I was considering discontinuing TF. I mean, I had great plans for it, but I guess I hadn't thought it through enough (And well, my enthusiasm for it died). Same with Fire/Ice (well, I only thought of the first chapter). Same with Hero. I'm hoping to have more success with Impulse.

    But really, I see myself as a failure of an author, as I haven't been able to complete an entire story yet. I can't even update regularly. : /

    That's why I like to read your stories. You've got the whole plot ready; filled with intrigue, mystery, chaotic events, everything. Those are the skills I need; as I can't seem to make a decent plot.

    Ha, I think we'd be a great duo.

    Anyways, yes, I saw the new chapter of your fic. Course I'll read it. Thanks for reading this. It gave me hope.
    Yes this makes perfect sense, I understand what you're saying. I really hope you don't end this Fanfiction though. I don't know if this is how you spark a story in your head but I'll tell you mine just incase we're similar and I'll tell you how I go about my process.

    I'll be....watching a tv show, movie, anime, manga, whatever. Then I'll see something that really impacts/interests me into writting.

    I was watching an episode of the new Thundercats series and that's how I came up with Shichiyo Gaiden. Now I can't tell you what exactly inspired me because it'll give away the main reason and a crucial part of the plot. However I wanted that to be the primary focus. After I have the small spark, my head becoms filled with possibilities. I'll write down all those key points up until the end, which will always be my contrivercial. Everything I plan in the plot, every section of focus will go nice (imo) to the multitude of endings that I think of and only at the last moment will the ending come into my head.

    Process for Shichiyo Gaiden: First spark, ideas of plot stucture (central peice, individual character plots, grand plots, etc), ending (still in the procees)

    Now with you it seems as though you have the vision of everything that's going on at one point in time. Like this chapter, you saw everything you wanted to happen in this one chapter and like an artist you just went with the flow, not thinking about what's going to happen next.

    What I suggest for you: Don't worry about scaling a plot. You have the central idea in your head. The central idea in your head is that idea which you came up with that you wanted your story to be about.

    "I want my FF to be this and that"

    That's all you need, go through each of your chapters before writting the next one. Then you think of the next piece of the puzzle and you fit it in with the rest. Don't feel like you have to know where all the pieces go already, that's just now how you write. It may be how I write but it's not how you write.

    What you do is you look at the puzzle box to see the picture (the central idea of what you want your FF to be about), then you take the first piece and put it down (first chapter), then you look at that piece and look for, "what goes next to it" then you go looking for that piece (writting the next chapter), then you look at the two pieces and say "what goes next to them" (writting the third chapter).

    As you do that you'll come to see a bigger picture and you'll see that you'll need to add, less and less each time, which means you're getting closer and closer to finish. Finally when you're approaching the end, you have all these pieces of your puzzle lined up beautifully you say "I'm only missing a few more things" then you patch it up.

    What makes you a failure is when you believe you're a failure. It's psycology (mind my spelling) if your state of mind is something that cripples you, you won't have the will to go on. If you understand that something inside of you isn't what you want it to be you don't give up you say "Imma make dis shit work" Now if it's something that just isn't you or you don't wish to accept going out of the way to try and do it "this way" (by that I mean go by what you want it to be) You go by what makes it work in another way that flows with who you are.

    From what you've said, it seems as though you don't plan the plot out and know what's going to happen, but you do have the idea of what you want your story to be about. So to you I say: you know what you want it to be about, write and re-read and repeat.

    Write your chapter

    Re-read through your other chapters to make sure there is no conflict between what you say in one chapter and in another

    and then repeat the cycle of writting the chapter and re-reading.

    Sorry for the ramble but I really don't want to see you give up on this FF and I definatly don't ever want to hear you talk about yourself being a failure as a writter because that only makes me look worse by comparison since you're better at this then me jk. I don't want you to call yourself a failure because you think something doesn't work for you when you can rectify it.

    I hope I make sense to you.
     
         

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •