Writer in Training! I have so much I want to write, but there's not enough hours in the day.
Lunar Miku Chapter 1
This is the first thing I've ever finished writing, so it might not be that good... I will take criticism, and advice would be helpful too since I want to become an author.
Miku was walking toward school. It was her first year of high school, but she was nervous. She was already sixteen, unlike other first years. When she was five she didn't start school because her parents randomly disappeared one night. She searched for months with no luck, and then she gave up. After she gave up it felt like she broke into tiny pieces. She spent that year crying, but decided she had to start school, and then her parents could be happy for her.
As she walked her long yellow hair was blowing in the wind, and she placed her hand in front of her yellow eyes to block out the sun. She looked at the ring on her finger; the only thing that her Mom left behind before she disappeared. It was a golden ring with a crescent moon on it, but she called it a lunar moon ever since she was a little kid. It became a habit; one that she couldn't stop even if she tried to. The outfit she picked out for her first day was her favorite. She picked out a yellow tank top that was the same color as her hair. Her yellow shorts also matched her hair, but she thought that it was different somehow.
While she was walking she had a feeling she never had before. She couldn't seem to recognize what it was, but it scared her. She felt like someone was watching her, even though she couldn't see anyone if she looked around. She tried to ignore it so she could concentrate on school, but then it would get stronger. If she wouldn't have known better, she would have said that the feeling was trying to get her attention.
When she reached the school she leaned against a tree and took a deep breath. The end of summer for some reason calmed her down. It wasn't because school was starting up. Why would she want to go to school when she had no friends to talk to? No one was there for her. She was alone for eleven years, and she thought that she would be alone for her whole lift. She enjoyed the end of summer because of the smell in the air, the wind blowing around freely. If only she was as free as the wind.
"Hey! Class starts in five minutes!" somebody called out to her.
Somebody just had to annoy her before class started. "I know! I don't need you to remind me!" she shouted. Then she looked at the person who talked to her, and then she felt her face go red. She couldn't believe she shouted at Kodoku like that. Kodoku was the cutest guy she met in her life! She always wished that he would talk to her someday, but she didn't want to shout at him when they would finally talk! That was the first time he ever spoke to her, and she only shouted at him. She was too nervous to say anything, too nervous to apologize to him.
She walked around him, and then slowly walked to class. She wanted to apologize, but she couldn't! It was just too hard for her to talk to him! Why couldn't she talk to him normally? Was it because they didn't even know each other? She wanted to talk to him so she could know him better, but more importantly, she wanted to be friends with him.
When she walked in the classroom, she noticed that no one was in their seats; they were talking. She looked around for the teacher, but the teacher wasn't around. That was rare; the teacher was always on time for class. No, she was always early for class.
"I'm leaving. The teacher should be on time. If she's late, then she obviously doesn't want to teach us," Kodoku said as he walked out of the classroom.
She stared at him as he walked away. He was the only other first year that was sixteen. It didn't matter though. She cared about his short black hair. It looked like it could be silk, where she would only want to rub her hand through it. It was easy just to get lost in blue eyes, even if they were glaring at people most of the time. He only wore a black T-shirt and jeans, but it still just added to how cute he was. She couldn't find anything wrong with him, and that only increased her urge to talk to him. She wanted to know more about him. She wanted to be the first one to break through the cloud of mystery that surrounded him. Wait what she thinking!? She had to focus on the big test she had the next day. She couldn’t waste the time she had, since she didn’t start studying yet.
By the time she got Kodoku out of her head everyone else was already gone. She wasn’t surprised, though. Her class was always looking for a way to miss class. She turned around to leave, and then the feeling she had earlier came back without warning. It felt like a tidal wave just hit her, but she refused to fall. She grabbed a desk for support; she only had to wait for the feeling to disappear, and had to wait for her breathing to slow down. Why was she breathing really hard!? She didn’t have asthma; she should have been breathing normally. She doesn’t remember the feeling ever being that strong before. Why was it making her feel so sick? She felt like she was going to puke, but there was nothing to come out.
She grabbed the desk with her other hand to stop falling, then she heard the sound of her school bag on the floor. Her vision was starting to fail her. She swore that she saw four hands and two desks.
“Hey, are you alright!?” somebody asked her in a panicky tone, and then she felt a hand on her back.
She looked at the door, so she could try to see who was there. But it was useless. By that point she was only able to see yellow eyes, which for some reason sent shivers up her spine.
“What happened? Can you hear me?” the person asked. She assumed it was a guy from how his voice sounded, unless she was hearing things too.
She tried to talk, but she couldn’t move her mouth. Why was this feeling affecting almost everything!? She couldn’t talk, she could barely see, and she was having trouble breathing! That feeling was not normal. If it was normal, then she wouldn’t have been extremely sick!
Even though the sound was faint, she heard the sound of something moving. It took her a while to recognize that the sound was the items in her bag. Why was a stranger going through her bag? She had no medication in the bag! If she did then she wouldn’t have been panicking!
“Here it is,” he said. “Don’t worry, Miku. I’m here to help you.”
He knew her name? Oh! He must have found her ID in the bag! She always carried it around for emergencies, or if anything unexpected was going to happen. It was a rule she made; she couldn’t leave unless she had her ID.
She felt a hand again, but instead of it holding her up, she felt herself being pushed away from the desk. She felt the cold floor instantly, and she wished that the school would have the heat on! It was like a freezer in their school, even without the air on. Her vision was just getting worse; she couldn’t see any light if she stared at the window. She was still able to hear, though, unless her ears were playing tricks on her. She thought she heard someone walking toward her, but she thought she also heard running before her vision completely failed her.
“Wake up, Miku. Wake up!” she heard.
It wasn’t the voice of the guy who pushed her, but it sounded familiar. She couldn’t seem to remember where she heard the voice though, but something inside her was telling her that she could trust the voice. She opened her eyes, and then waited a few minutes for them to return to normal. She was finally able to see again! The feeling was gone too, but why did it cause her to feel sick?
She didn’t know where she was, even if it was a dream, but she didn’t like it. She only saw a blue light surrounded by darkness. Sometimes when she had a dream she would go to the place she dreamed of to see what it meant, but she wouldn’t go to wherever that place was. “Where am I?” she asked nervously. What could there have been in a place filled with darkness?
“Don’t be nervous, Miku. You should know this place well. It’s your mind,” she heard again.
“Wait! Who are you? Why are you hiding?” she babbled, she was still nervous.
“I’m the blue light you see. I’m the only thing that’s left in your mind. It use to be a beautiful place, but it’s been in the darkness for eleven years now.”
Her mind was the darkness she saw before her? Why would it have gone from beautiful to darkness? ‘My parents,’ she thought. ‘That was eleven years ago. I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve been alone for eleven years. It wasn’t exactly the life I wanted, but I survived.’
“You have to listen to me. You can’t stay in this darkness any longer! You don’t have to keep thinking the way you do now. You focus on surviving, but what about your feelings?”
“Most of my feelings were destroyed eleven years ago! And what would you know anyway!? There’s no way you could understand how I felt when I lost my parents! I was only five, but I had to go through something so awful! That’s when I realized that my feelings never mattered! The only feeling that I’ve kept these eleven years was love, but who knows how long that’ll last!” she shouted in rage. She wasn’t going to have a blue light lecture her on her life! It was her life; she made her own decisions!
“I’m only trying to help you! You’re in danger, Miku. That ring that your Mother left behind has magic power in it. It’s a very strong magic that could destroy the world; it's ancient magic. Your body knew that it was time for the battle to officially begin. That’s why you got sick from that feeling. That feeling was your body telling you it was time to fight! The ring chose you out of everyone in your family to fight! It could be a magic power that was dormant inside you for all these years! Use that magic and fight!”
“Why should I fight? There’s no such thing as magic! It’s fake. If you’re just going to tell me lies then why am I here!?” she shouted.
“Your family has been protecting it for years, Miku! Why do you think your Mother left it behind? Why do you think she disappeared? She disappeared trying to protect it. It was her duty to protect it. So before she disappeared she left it with you so you could protect it,” it explained.
“If what you're saying is true then why didn't my Mom tell me about this? She would have told me about the magic part if she knew she was going to disappear! You have no evidence that magic is real!” she exclaimed. She was getting angry. There was no point in arguing over something that didn't exist! To think she thought that she could trust that light! As if! The light was only telling her lies. The only good thing about being alone was that no one could hurt her; there was no one to lie to her.
“You want evidence? Then explain why you were pushed to the ground when you were obviously feeling sick! Explain why your Mother disappeared! I can't believe you won't even listen to what I have to say! Your Mother would be disappointed if she saw you like this!”
Wait, what? Her Mom would be disappointed? She never disappointed her Mom before. She loved the smile her Mom gave her, so she never did anything her Mom wouldn't like. “What do I have to do?”
“Believe in yourself, and protect the ring. The magic power they want is in the ring, but they don't know that yet. As long as you believe in yourself you can win.”
What the light said was being repeated in her head, then she opened her eyes. She was finally back in the classroom. She didn't feel sick anymore, which was a good sign. Maybe the light really was telling the truth about the magic power stuff.
She glared at the guy who pushed her, but this time she was able to see him clearly. Her vision must have been pretty bad, though. She was able to tell that he was evil by just looking at his yellow eyes. She felt like she was the prey, and he was the hunter. He looked pretty old though. His short hair was a grayish color. Either he was old, or he dyed it. Everything he wore had sparkles all over it. Sparkles were out of style for years. He looked pretty old though. He had on a purple jacket, and she couldn't even tell how old the jacket was. It looked nothing like the jackets she had at home. Maybe it was from the fifties? Maybe the eighties? His black jeans looked like they were made recently, but they were covered in sparkles too. Was he obsessed with sparkles or what?
“Awake already? That was quicker than I expected,” he said as a yellow blade appeared in his hand. “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. Either way, your power is mine.”
She took a step back, and then told herself not to tremble. She felt a huge wave of magic power coming from the sword. She felt the temperature decrease, and guessed that the sword affected the temperature. She looked at the ring, but she hesitated. The yellow blade that appeared out of no where was all the proof she needed, but what if it was all a lie? What if she didn't have magic power? 'What am I doing? Should I really be hesitating like this when there's some guy with a yellow blade in front of me? Isn't anything worth a try at this point?' she asked herself. She had to at least try to fight, otherwise there was no point in arguing with the light in her dream. “I'd like to see you try to take the power I have. Like I'd just let you appear and threaten me. I'm not that weak! I'm stronger than everyone thinks!”
The next thing she noticed was a bright yellow light. Where was it coming from? It took her some time to realize that her ring was the source of the light. It was true. The ring really had magic power; she felt it as it entered her body.
“What is that light? It's too bright,” the guy said annoyingly.
The light was bright, but it didn't affect her at all. It didn't only gave her power; it gave her guiding words too. The power felt so warm and gentle. It was like a mother's love. To think that he wanted such a gentle power for his own reasons. She won't allow them to ruin such a gentle power! “Lunar Power!”
The yellow light engulfed her as soon as the words left her mouth. Her outfit started to glow before it turned into a short white dress with yellow stripes. It was such a cute outfit; she couldn't believe she was actually wearing something cute. There was even a lunar moon clip in the middle of the dress. That just made it cuter! Her white sneakers turned into the cutest white boots she has ever seen! They went up to her knees, and there was a yellow lining in the middle of the boots. She felt her hair move as it was being formed into what felt like pigtails. Then she felt something in her hair. She placed her hand on whatever appeared, and then traced the shape. It was a lunar moon clip! Either the outfit was based on what she loved, or it was fate that she got the ring. Her ring flew off of her finger, and then stretched out until it turned into a golden staff. At the top of it was a lunar moon, and there was a red orb in the middle of it.
She grabbed the staff, and then a wave of magic power instantly went through her body. The power was stronger than what she felt before, but it was still warm and gentle. She never expected it to have that much magic power. The light wasn't lying when it said that the magic power was ancient. She looked at the enemy in front of her, just in time to notice that the sword was glowing red. That probably wasn't a good thing for her.
“So much magic power. That power belongs to us! A kid won't know how to use it!” he shouted. “Fire Slash!”
A line of fire shot out from the sword at intense speed. She held the staff out instantly, but she didn't know what to do after that! There were no guiding words in head! 'What should I do?' she asked herself. Would it just be better to make something up and hope that it worked? Well, she had to consider that fire was heading toward her! “Fire Lunar Moon Shield!”
A circle of flames encircled her, which was hopefully good enough to stop his Fire Slash. When the slash collided with her shield, they only combined into each other, so nobody got burned.
“Aren't you going to fight? Are you really that weak? That power doesn't belong to someone who won't fight. It was created for fighting, not protecting. Fire Slash!”
Another slash of fire came her way, but this time she wasn't going to defend against it. She wasn't weak. “This power was created for protecting! Fire Lunar Moon Vortex!”
A vortex of fire appeared in front of her then flew toward the guy, and she knew it was the only attack that could end this fight.
“Are you kidding? A vortex is the weakest attack out there. My Fire Slash will cut it in half!”
“The vortex might be a weak attack, but there's a catch to it!” she exclaimed.
At that moment, he probably was stronger than her since she was only a beginner, but with a vortex it didn't matter. When the two attacked collided, it looked like the Fire Slash was going to cut through it. 'Was I wrong? Will it cut through my vortex?' At the last possible moment the vortex swallowed the slash and went straight toward the enemy.
“What? How is it possible that a vortex overcame my attack!?” he shouted before the vortex hit him.
Whenever the fire finally disappeared; the guy was gone. Did he die? Or was he still out there? She wanted to know who he was, and who he was working with, if he had partners.
She was about to sigh when the yellow light returned. Her staff was glowing! Was it using magic on its own, or was it something else? When she looked at it again it was back in ring form, and she was back in her original clothes. That fight went pretty well considering it was her first fight. Why did they want to destroy the world? What was the point in that? She felt exhausted though. She hoped she wouldn't feel like that every time she would fight. “I guess fighting does that to a girl,” she said in relief.
“What about fighting?” someone asked.
She turned around to see Kodoku. Was he watching the whole time? What if he was? What if he saw her transform and fight? No, he would have questioned her about what happened. What was he even doing there?
“K-Kodoku! I was just thinking that fighting would be exhausting! Wait, what are you doing here? I thought you left.” She couldn't think clearly with Kodoku around, he was just too cute. Why couldn't she just be normal around him?
“I did, but I thought I saw something from outside. Was there a fire?” he replied.
'A fire? Why would he think that?' she thought until she looked down. There were scorch marks all around the floor. She didn't realized that they have done that much damage! “Y-Yeah! I don't know what started it, though. I tried to put it.” There was no way he would buy that excuse. She wasn't even burned, but at that rate she would end up telling Kodoku everything that just happened! She had to calm down before anything blurted out.
“So that's why you have some burn marks on your hands,” he said.
She looked down at her hands, and she saw the burn marks. How did she get burned? She didn't get hit during the fight. 'Maybe the heat traveled from the staff to my hands, and I didn't notice. Was there a risk at using fire magic?'
“I see. Was there anyone else here?” he asked impatiently.
What was with all the questions? Why did he care about what happened? He wouldn't even believe what happened, even if she told him. She looked at his hands, and then she saw it. He had burn marks on his hands too. “What happened? Your hands are burned!” She had to change the subject if she wanted the fight to remain a secret.
“Nothing. It was an accident, and it shouldn't have happened,” he answered coldly.
“That's a lie. Why else would you care about the fire!? You already know what happened, don't you? Tell me the truth. I won't listen to any lies,” she said. She wanted to get all the information she could get for the fight. It would help her a lot if she had more information on the enemy.
“I don't know what you're talking about. If we had class today students would have been injured! I don't want a fire to occur in here again!” he shouted.
“That doesn't explain how you got burned! What happened?” she asked again. She was going to keep on pressuring him until he gave in. That was the best way to get information out of stubborn people.
“It doesn't concern you. Bye,” he said before he walked away.
What was with him!? She was worried about him. He didn't have to be so rude about it. She was mainly worried because he might have been involved somehow. If he was involved she hoped it was on her side, and not on the evil side. She wouldn't be able to handle it if she had to fight him. It would be too sad to fight the one she loved.
Don't judge my replies or my persona, constructed from the vibe and perceptions my avatar gives you. The contents of my reply doesn't represent the character in my ava, they represent the human behind the screen.
Re: Lunar Miku Chapter 1
that was great, your love for writing shows, keep it up
Writer in Training! I have so much I want to write, but there's not enough hours in the day.
Re: Lunar Miku Chapter 1
Originally Posted by yama
that was great, your love for writing shows, keep it up
Originally Posted by Train
I like this!
I like how you describe things; I mean, it gives good imagery. Some authors here don't do that enough in my opinion. >_>'
It seems like you have a huge plot in mind; I thought this was really creative. I'm also glad this isn't in the traditional NB 'script style'.
When Miku's transformation reminded me too much of those girly animes; like Sailor Moon and Pretty Cure. It felt kind of nostalgic!
One thing that I feel you can improve on is perhaps the grammar. Here's an example of what I mean:
Well, it may not be a grammar mistake >_>, but I thought that sounded weird. Perhaps saying 'who had called to her', or 'she looked for the source of the voice' or 'the person who spoke to her'.
Also, be careful while editing (the bold was missing):
Anyway, nice job Netsui!
Thanks! ^^ I was actually nervous to post the first chapter. I'm glad you two liked it, and I hope you'll both continue to like it. Who knows, maybe Ill finally get over my nervousness when it comes to my writing.