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  1. #1
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    Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Chapter 16: Secret


    Two weeks has passed since the double attack on Konoha and Suna. Both villages have managed to keep the events that happened in their village a secret, however, concerning the matter of Kabuto's sudden re-emerging and Sasuke's escape from Konoha, the details of Konoha and Suna's situation can't go unknown to the other Great Nations.

    Koichi walks the streets of Suna, no longer thinking about his situation but feeling overwhelming anger. As he walks through the village, paranoia strikes as he passes citizen after citizen in the village. He looks at people who look back at them and begins hearing voices in his head, voices of scrutiny, ridicule, hate for him.

    “Stop it.” He says to himself. The voices in his head get louder as more people pass him. “*They're all thinking about it, they already see me as a monster.*”

    “He's the monster.”

    “He's going to kill us all.”

    “Can we actually control that thing?” The voices promote Koichi's anger at the village and his fear for being shunned by his people.

    “I said stop it!” Koichi yells loud enough to get the attention of public around him. They all turn to him and look with confusion as to his out burst. “S...sorry.” Koichi says under his breath, realizing his paranoia was getting the better of him. The only ones who know of Koichi's situation were the Anbu and higher ups of the village, not even the standard forces knew of Koichi being the Jinchuuriki of the Ichibi. However, that doesn't stop Koichi's fear.

    “Yo, Koichi.” A voice says from behind him. He turns to see Jo Shirogane and Pakura. “What's with the buggin out all of a sudden?” Jo asks.

    “Oh, it's nothing.” He says with false laughter. “Hey, where's Temari-chan?” Koichi ask, noticing the missing member of their team.

    “She's still so upset, she hasn't been to practice since the attack on the village?” Pakura says with sorrow for her friend.

    “What's she so upset about? I mean the village was saved, I don't think there were any casualties either.” Koichi wonders, looking at the two.

    “That's right you don't know what happened in Konoha do you?” Jo says.

    “What's that got to do with anything?”

    “Her father was attacked and almost killed. He's in a coma, about two days after the attacks her mom came over and told Temari what happened, I never seen her break down like that.” Jo says sadly. “I wonder what Temari-sama was doing before, I mean normally the first thing I would've done would be to have told her about her father if I were her.” Jo says curiously. Koichi clinches his fist reliving ever detail of his sealing again. He begins to walk away from his two classmates and continues on his way. “Hey, where are you going?”

    “You just reminded me, I need to see Gaara-sama.” Koichi replies in a darker tone.

    “But Koichi Gaara-sama is—”

    “I don't care if he's busy I need to talk to him now.” Koichi says, cutting of Pakura. He leaps away before she could finish and both her and Jo look at each other worryingly over both, their teammate and Koichi for his strange attitude.

    In the distance, behind a building, close behind where Pakura, Jo, and Koichi were, Koji stands, listening to everything. A few moments after Koichi leaves the scene, Koji follows close behind him.

    Koichi makes it to the Kazekage residence, only to be cut off by two guards.

    “Let me through I need to speak to the Kazekage!” Koichi demands.

    “Sorry kid, but we can't let you through, even if we could he's not here.” One of the guards says.

    “What do you mean he's not here?” Koichi asks annoyed.

    “He has a meeting with Konoha's Hokage, he left for village a while ago with his convoy.” The other guards says.

    Koichi clinches his fist angrily, remembering what the Anbu shinobi had said to him before. “This is an official decree from the Kazekage.”

    “*Gaara-sama, you of all people.*” Koichi ponders to himself. He walks away from the two shinobi and continues on his way back. Koichi continues to walk through the village until he comes to a fork in the road, leading towards the training grounds. “Stop following me.” Koichi says, revealing his knowledge of Koji following him. Koji steps out into sight and Koichi turns around.

    “I want to talk to you about something Koichi.” Koji says.

    “What makes you think I want to even be near you right now?” Koichi says with hostility in his voice.

    “You don't know everything about what happened that day Koichi, that's why I need to speak to you. I have to tell you that—”

    “Save it.” Koichi says turning around and walking away. Overhead a crow circles over the two boys and lets out a call. They both notice it to be Kankuro's and they're being summoned to the training grounds. “Jeez, what now.”

    Both Koichi and Koji walk together to the field, however they walk side by side as if zombies, neither acknowledging the other. When they make it to the field they find Ryoko waiting there as well. She turns to them and her natural expression turns immediately into worry as she feels an ominous chill between the two brothers.

    “Hey.” is all Ryoko can muster up to say in her shaky voice. “*What's going on.*” Ryoko thinks to herself as she looks at her teammates.

    **Flashback**

    Note: the a few hours after Shukaku's sealing into Koichi.


    With the village safe from the Shukaku, things within Suna begin to calm back down within Suna's walls. As Ryoko waits in the hall of Suna's hospital, Koichi and Koji walk towards her through the halls. The team of genin come together to see their wounded instructor in the hospital.

    “Geez it took you long enough to get here.” Ryoko says, “*I want to know what's going on between Koichi and my father*”

    “We apologize, things took a little longer then expected.” Koji explains avoiding eye contact with Ryoko.

    Ryoko looks at Koichi and Koji and she receives a cold vibe between the two brothers directed towards each other, however, Koichi's seems to be the angrier while Koji's is remorseful. “Hey...” Ryoko starts, changing the tone of her voice, “What did that shinobi want with you Koichi?” She asks.

    “None of your business.” Koichi says with hostility. Koichi brushes past Koji's shoulder roughly and he heads into Kankuro's room.

    Ryoko turns and looks at Koji who still stands remorsefully. “Koji, tell me what's going on—”

    “It's nothing you need to worry yourself about Ryoko.” Koji cuts off, heading into the room as well.

    Ryoko is left alone in the hall and she stands there feeling helplessly left out of the loop. “*Why won't somebody tell me?*” She eventually walks in the room with her teammates and sensei.
    ~Later that Night~

    As Ryoko returns home from the hospital she hears shuriken whistling through the air, coming from the back training hall. She enters the room and sees her father practicing with projectiles. As she looks at him, he remains the same unexpressed distant look on his face. Remembering her teammate's change of attitude just after they left with her father Ryoko clinches her fist with anger and annoyance at her father's silence and being completely left in the black.

    “You can have the hall now, I'm done with it.” The man says.

    “Father, what happened with Koichi and Koji?” Ryoko asks.

    “Make sure you check in with mission bureau tomorrow to see if you can take on some tasks while Kankuro-sama is resting.” He says ignoring her question, walking past her. Ryoko clinches her fist even tighter. “Also I want to check your progress on that technique so I can move you along so expect me to look at that late—”

    “Listen to me!” Ryoko shouts towards her father, turning around. “Why did you have business with Koichi?! What did you do to the two of them?!”

    “Watch your tone, child.” Kai says without turning around, however he did stop when Ryoko shouted.

    “I won't until you tell me what the hell is going on?!” She demands.

    Kai turns to his daughter and walks up to her looking down at her. “It's none of your business.” He says just before he turns around and begins to walk away again.

    Ryoko grabs his wrist just as he walks away from her. “The hell it is, they're my frie....” She catches herself, “comrades. They're my teammates and for some reason something isn't right between them and it could very well mess up the rhythm of our team and work.”

    At that moment Kai snatches away and back hands his daughter, knocking her on the floor. She looks up surprised and the shinobi looks down at her darkly. “Remember what I said to you earlier? I said learn your place. You'd do best to heed that warning of mine, now get out of my sight.” He says with a stern tone.

    Ryoko gets off the floor and heads towards her room with a depressed look on her face.

    “*Why...why am I always excluded? Why am I always left alone?*”

    **End Flashback**

    “Koichi, Koji.” Ryoko says with heartfelt sorrow and worry in her voice. Her face matches her tone of voice and for once Ryoko's outer shell bares the resemblance of femininity.

    Koji stops in his tracks as he looks at Ryoko and he blushes and turns his head away.

    “What the hell is the matter with you?” Koichi says bluntly, as if everything were normal.

    Ryoko's face scrunches with annoyance for Koichi, returning her natural mood and expression. “You idiot, you guys are acting so damn strange, it's annoying the hell out of me. Whatever it is, get it together.” She says as she turns her back to the two of them.

    “Whatever, why are we here anyway? I thought sensei was still in the hospital.” Koichi says.

    “Well I am, but that doesn't mean you guys can slack off.” A voice says behind the three genin. They turn to see Crow walking towards them. “I figured this would be a good time for you guys to hone your teamwork without my guidance, I signed you guys up for a mission for today. You're going to help transport a criminal from the local prison of a village in the Land of Bears to the main security facility of the country. This is a simple C-ranked mission.” Kankuro says.

    “C-ranked, working us down the latter I see.” Koichi says.

    “You guys did well on your first mission, despite the situation that happened being rather unexpected. You fared as well as could be expected so I doubt you would have any problems dealing with this mission without me. Plus you'll be accompanied by soldiers of the Bear Country military so you won't be completely alone for this one.”

    “So I take it this criminal is pretty important for him to be escorted by both country soldiers and shinobi to the maximum security facility of the country.” Ryoko says.

    “He's the boss of a major crime syndicate within that area. He basically controlled half of that country with his wealth, influence and power. He managed to avoid the law and maintained a untraceable path, but they finally found enough evidence to convict him and they finally managed to find him in one of the villages he controlled. The towns people rebelled and the officials managed to jail him and the men he had with him at the time. The underlings were executed on the spot but since this man was a national criminal he has to be dealt with by the highest authority of the land, which is the Daimyou. He's been in lock down for about four days now and word has gotten back to his syndicate, so you know they won't let this transport go smoothly, that's where you guys come in so don't let me down. Koji, I'm placing you as team captain for this mission.”

    Koji and the others nod and Crow vanishes in a cloud of smoke. Ryoko looks at the two brothers and folds her arms. “You guys better not let whatever it is, mess up this mission got it?” Ryoko says, trying to stay in her normal stern mood, however there was a hint of gentleness in her voice.

    “Don't worry Ryoko.” Koji, “We can do this.”

    The three genin head out as they normally would however the cell is wounded from all corners, the deadly secret that steadily splits the two brothers and holds a shroud over the eyes of Ryoko.

    Authors Note:
    Things may seem a little slow in this chapter and the next couple of chapters but they're going to be really significant to the characters of Koichi, Koji, and Ryoko. At this point we're seeing the beginning of their strife all the way until a calmer point in time, then, as far as character development goes we'll see an increase in skills as shinobi in order to return the action sense of this series and then once everything comes together we make big boom. Hope you all enjoy for those of you who read/comment/rep this post I thank you.


     
         
    Last edited by Reborn; 02-04-2012 at 03:12 AM.

  2. #2
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    nice i must read the other ones
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Quote Originally Posted by zombiejesus View Post
    nice i must read the other ones
    Well there's fifteen before this one, better get started

    Thanks for reading and the rep.
     
         

  4. #4
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Awesome Chapter. Ryoko's Father is something else. To slap his daughter, SMH. He is the true definition of an ANBU member and strong father.
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    nice
     
         

  6. #6
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Quote Originally Posted by Kichiro Fujimoto View Post
    Awesome Chapter. Ryoko's Father is something else. To slap his daughter, SMH. He is the true definition of an ANBU member and strong father.
    The guy's an asshole... :/ but I guess I made him that way
     
         

  7. #7
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    The guy's an asshole... :/ but I guess I made him that way
    Why?! A father that abuse children, yeah, thats good entertainment for a fighting scene within a stroy. Who would complain about a story being boring then?
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Quote Originally Posted by Kichiro Fujimoto View Post
    Why?! A father that abuse children, yeah, thats good entertainment for a fighting scene within a stroy. Who would complain about a story being boring then?
    There is no such thing as child abuse in such a case

    Besides she's a woman, she should not be talking back and instead be making his sammich jk
     
         

  9. #9
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    a story without an ******* isn't worth reading >_>
    great chapter reborn ^_^
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Quote Originally Posted by 'Kurapika View Post
    a story without an ******* isn't worth reading >_>
    great chapter reborn ^_^
    Thanks
     
         

  11. #11
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Your shortest yet a good plot maker.and tell ryoka's father from me that he is a pure jerk
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Quote Originally Posted by naruto kyuubi View Post
    Your shortest yet a good plot maker.and tell ryoka's father from me that he is a pure jerk
    Oh, you think he's a jerk now, just wait....just wait
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    but rightnow he is a jerk dont defend him just because you created him
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Quote Originally Posted by naruto kyuubi View Post
    but rightnow he is a jerk dont defend him just because you created him
    Oh, you misunderstood, this guy is a sweet little piece of candy compared to later.
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    This is your latest ch, right?

    In the beginning, I got so excited because I thought Koichi was actually going to talk to Gaara. >.>'
    Anyway, I really dislike Ryoko's dad, and I'm curious about what more Koji had to say.
    I kinda laughed at Koichi's "What the hell is the matter with you" at Ryoko. You can really tell she was really out of character with that. >_>"

    Anyway, good chapter. I just noticed that you use "* for thoughts. At one point I did a double take, because I had almost mistaken a thought for dialogue. Could you just leave the thoughts with the italics, or something else? ' " ' is only for dialogue.

    Grammar. I don't think I need to elaborate. o_o
     
         

  16. #16
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Quote Originally Posted by Train View Post
    This is your latest ch, right?

    In the beginning, I got so excited because I thought Koichi was actually going to talk to Gaara. >.>'
    Anyway, I really dislike Ryoko's dad, and I'm curious about what more Koji had to say.
    I kinda laughed at Koichi's "What the hell is the matter with you" at Ryoko. You can really tell she was really out of character with that. >_>"

    Anyway, good chapter. I just noticed that you use "* for thoughts. At one point I did a double take, because I had almost mistaken a thought for dialogue. Could you just leave the thoughts with the italics, or something else? ' " ' is only for dialogue.

    Grammar. I don't think I need to elaborate. o_o
    Ryoko is going to turn into that central character I develop and Koichi and Koji's rolls of development will be around her. If you don't like Ryoko's dad now, just you wait...it gets worse.

    I'll take that note about the quotations, I normally have them say something after, which is Why I use them but it doesn't matter really

    I know :P and I see what you did there.
     
         

  17. #17
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Oh great. Time for some filler episodes... Just kidding!

    And then... Did someone mention the land of bears?????

     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Ok, now for some mid point feedback.

    The story is going along well with character development. But the characters are all reproductions of other characters from the actual manga, so it's a bit predictable. That said, it's still a fun read!

    One thing I'd like to see is a bit more description during tense moments. Take the reader to the scene by spending more time describing sights and smells and sounds of the environment. When you get really good at manipulating the reader's emotions, you can more smoothly work into transitions and so on..

    Onward!
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    very well done okay on to the next chapter
     
         

  20. #20
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Ryoko's father is such a...*starts a 2 hour rant of profanities and insults spanning four languages* anyways, great chapter, the rift is well portrayed in the story, an overall great chap.
     
         

  21. #21
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    Quote Originally Posted by Uzumaki16 View Post
    Ryoko's father is such a...*starts a 2 hour rant of profanities and insults spanning four languages* anyways, great chapter, the rift is well portrayed in the story, an overall great chap.
    You'll love Ryoko's father later
     
         

  22. #22
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XVI

    I guess that's it for today.....finished 10 chapters.......it really got me hooked
     
         

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