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  1. #1
    Scaze's Avatar
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    My First FanFic

    This is my first Fanfic,i hope you enjoy reading.

    Prolugue:
    The dark sky illuminated by the multiple shining spec like stars,the moon hung low obstructed by only the tallest of buildings,and obscurbed by the thin clouds that wandered the nights sky,however the moon was full,and prevailed through the mist like clouds radiating its waxing glow onto the lands below.The night had a eerie chill,and the earth itself seemed to whisper of a immanent disaster.
    Then,as a testemant to the omninous night,the Demon Fox,the Kyuubi sprang forth,its lips parted in a forbidding snarl. The Village raptured in chaos,as the beast ravaged their land.That night many warriors went forth to protect their village;killed and slaughtered in their droves,by the menace that was the Kyuubi.Three heroes were also made that night,a victim,a saviour and maytr in his own right,and a child burdned to be looked down upon by those which he would call his own.Many more innocents lives and destinys were changed,or maybe fufilled that night,as the Kyuubi left them with scars which they may never forget.

    Chapter One:Who Am I?

    Sixteen years after the incedent that shook konhagakure to its roots,a few miles west of the hidden leaf village lay a small forest.The forest was tucked away behind the foot hills of two mountains at the bottom of a small gorge,and thus it was nearly impossible to sight by land and was hardly ever stubmled upon by a traveller or any other person for that matter. Thus over the years the forest grew wild and untamed,and served as a safe haven for animals insects and fowl alike. The forest basked in the suns rays,and the dew on the lush green leaves dazzled in a thousand colours and a thousand more hues under the soft orange light that the sun provided.The birds chirped as they danced through the branches and leaves of the trees,swooping and diving with a level of gracefulness matched only by a few.Nearly the whole of the forest resembled a paradise,however nothing is perfect,and this forest was tainted too,since the center of this forest harboured a secret so omninous that it was better off forgeten,left to be ravaged by time itself.

    At the center of the forest,everything seemed to be devoid of life,however the plants still flourished,but with a maleveount dark twist.In the darkest recesses of this pneoumenom,was a strange orb. The orb was roughly 8 feet across and 8 feet tall,the orb was rough around the edges,as was any rock,and its texture resembled that of a fine marble,there were several whiteish veings that coursed through the orb,adding to its lustrous depth and beauty.The sphere itself on first glance was seemingly a dark purple blackish colour,but on second glance resembled more of a deep dark red,the orb strangely seemed to pulsate as if it were alive,the throbbing resembling that of a beating heart,further adding to its marvel.It looked to be the most beautiful gem ever forged by the earth,but it emitted a aura of evil,the orb itself contained a malice so great,that if it were living it wouldnt stop until everything around it was ash.Today however,was a momentus day, a day that would later on go down in history,as today,a event would occur,that would eveuntually change the world.

    At that moment,the orb throbbed once again,however this throb was clearly evident,and could not possibly be mistaken as your eyes simply playing tricks upon you.As it throbbed,it revealed its interior,and at the center of the orb was a human like silhoutte, the silhoutte seemed to be hugging itself,its head tucked upon its knees,it didnt move nor stir, but for some strange reason it rocked back and forth,not by the silhouttes own force,but rather by the strange inner workings of the orb.It was as if there was a person in the center of the orb who was being kept in some sort of cryostasis by the orb itself,like a egg waiting to hatch.Then the top layers of the orb exploded outwards,no longer resembling that of a solid,but rather a liquid or gas,as it exploded outwards it left behind a faint red residue,that mingled into the air forming a red mist.Then the rest of the orb that remained,turned into a thick honey jelly like substance,and slowly started to fall from the silhoutte which was now more clearly distinguishable as a real person,a female,who was ardorned with nothing but a loin cloth.The female covered her chest with her arms,her eyes still closed,as if she were still in a deep sleep,a faint westward breeze then blew over her,then as if it were a trigger,her eyes suddenly jolted open as she dropped down to the floor.

    Her body was slathered with the strange goo-ey red substance that obscured her features however it was evident that her body would be sought after by many a man,she tried several times to stand up and walk,however each and every time she failed,eventually she completely gave up on the idea of standing,so instead she crawled forwards her knees rubbing against the dark prickly grass.She knew not where she was or where she was going,all she knew was that she had too keep moving forward.She tried several times to remeber who she was,how she got there,every time she failed.She eventually started to wonder if she was alive,however each time she asked her self that the word "alive" seemed to lose its meaning more and more.She started to wonder if she was crazy,after a while she started to think this fact more and more true.In the deep recesses of her mind,she could hear nine voices,seven of which were filled with blood lust and hatred,but the more she listened to those seven voices she noticed that they were mostly filled with sorrow and pain,however through pride they chose to focus more on the hatred feelings.The other two were alot different,one was more of joy and happiness,however she soon realised that he too had once had the same emotions as the other seven voices.Then the last one,which spoke strongest towards her,and drowned out the others,contained the feelings of change,she knew change wasnt a feeling,she didnt know how she knew,but whenever she tried to interpret the last voice,change was the only thing she came up with,the last voice seemed to be a mixture of the eighth and the preeceding seven voices.A bird chirp broke her out of her trance like state,and once again she focused on what was infront of her,what she was sure was actually her,and the question arose again,who was she?

    She struggled for hours to remember who she was,a few times she was certain that she was close to remembering,then a cold sharp pain throbbed through her head,and once again,the memory fell through her fingers,out of her grasp.As she failed over and over,she began to tugg on her hair,leaning forwards so that her chest touched her thighs and her nakedness was hidden.Finaly she looked up to the heavens,tears welling from her eyes diluting the dark honey substance that clung to her cheeks and face,her gaze pierced into the heavens itself,as she both cried and howled in anguish

    "Who Am I?!!!"

    She screamed for ages,until her throat was dry and sore and throbbed with pain,her eyelids became droopy,and she could no longer sustain being awake,darkness fell around her as she slumped to the floor and fell asleep.

    Thanks if you actually read all of this
     
         
    Last edited by Scaze; 01-30-2012 at 04:54 PM.

  2. #2
    Zoro..'s Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    I did read it all ^_^
    Nice work however Im more into Dialogue stuff but this is excellent
     
         

  3. #3
    Scaze's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    Thanks ^_^
    More dialouge may be coming!!!
    I think >.>
     
         

  4. #4
    Satin's daughter Hanon's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    nicely done...just some spelling and grammar errors here and there...and yes I did read it all...
    I like it..it will be more interesting with dialogue..
    Maybe a love life? sorry...but maybe? lolz
     
         

  5. #5
    Scaze's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    Quote Originally Posted by Hanon View Post
    nicely done...just some spelling and grammar errors here and there...and yes I did read it all...
    I like it..it will be more interesting with dialogue..
    Maybe a love life? sorry...but maybe? lolz
    I prefer fighting over love
    lol thanks ^_^ yeah im just tryna read through it and correct my spelling,but some people wont let me ZORO OP!
     
         

  6. #6
    My name is a capital city Naruto33's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    gr8, but i prefer dialogue >_>
     
         

  7. #7
    Scaze's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    There was a bit of dialogue at the end part >.>
     
         

  8. #8
    Senior Member serenaandrosie's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    it was a good read so it was nicely done not what i am into 100% but it was still very well done good job

    good job on your first Fan Fic
     
         

  9. #9
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    Re: My First FanFic

    Im still reading so far awesome daddy!!
     
         

  10. #10
    Scaze's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    Thats right son
     
         

  11. #11
    Senior Member Erzo's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    Nice on Scaze, It was a nice read
     
         

  12. #12
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    Re: My First FanFic

    Nevar Evar Master it's way too awesome
     
         

  13. #13
    Scaze's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    thanks
     
         

  14. #14
    A C I D Aízen's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    Quote Originally Posted by -Scaze- View Post

    She screamed for ages,until her throat was dry and sore and throbbed with pain,her eyelids became droopy,and she could no longer sustain being awake,darkness fell around her as she slumped to the floor and fell asleep.

    Thanks if you actually read all of this
    >.>...( thats right set the ***** straight jk jk )
     
         

  15. #15
    Scaze's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    .-. Of course,it would be you who highlights that wouldnt it =\
    Now read the rest
     
         

  16. #16
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    Re: My First FanFic

    Cool..
     
         

  17. #17
    Scaze's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    >.> Thanks >.>
     
         

  18. #18
    Senior Member Maina Deah's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    Nicely done..I'm gonna check the other chapters..
    Does the girl got a partner or something?
     
         

  19. #19
    Scaze's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    I guess so.Kind of
     
         

  20. #20
    Zero Kelvin's Avatar
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    Re: My First FanFic

    Alright! Now we're talkin'.
    Now, let's take the obvious mistakes first: First of all, and this might just be my oppinon, never use coding in your fanfics, except maybe bolding and italics. Coding is a bit like giving a book a smart wrapping, it's there merely to give an impression, it serves no other purpose.
    Your spelling could be better, but overall it doesn't hurt the impression of the fic, especially with the rich vocabulary you have. It's nice to see you use some adjectives to further describe your secenery, it adds to th magic.
    Use space! It made me frown slightly when I realised how many times you forgot to put a space betwen your words, you're especially bad when there's a point or a comma involved. The lack of spaces didn't ruin anything, but they did make me pause a few times, and pausing brings the reader out of the trance you induce with a good story.
    Don't rush your sentences, dude. You have a number of sentences where you, instead of ending them and making a short sentence afterwards, includes the small sentence. Don't do that. While writing completely grammatically correct might be good in school, you need to capture the reader with your story. The way you want it read, that's the way you create it.
    I really liked it, though the 'howling' in the end seemed a bit misplaced
    Keep up the good work, I'll follow this story.
     
         

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