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  1. #1
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 2

    Here's chapter 2! It seems a bit short, sorry about that. I didn't have much for chapter 2, and I wanted it to end there for suspense reasons, although it won't seem suspenseful. I think there's too much dialogue, but I think it's somewhat good.

    Chapter 2

    The demon woke up and glared at her. His glare slowly faded, and he finally looked away from her. She looked at Riha and Yuki, and they were wagging their tails. They hated demons, why were they happy? What kind of demon was he? To think a demon made them happy!

    “If you're just going to stand there then leave. I'm being chased by monsters,” he said.

    “I wouldn't expect a demon to call someone else a monster,” she said rudely.

    “Not all demons are monsters!” he shouted. “These people are monsters! If I don't do something then they will find Fukashigi!”

    Fukashigi? She never heard of it. What a weird name, too. What could it possibly have been? She took a few steps closer to the demon to get a better view, even though approaching a demon was something she usually would never do. She couldn't understand why she had to get a better view of him. No wonder why Riha and Yuki liked him, though. He had wolf ears; a wolf demon. His ears were the same color as the trees, and his hair was a lighter color. His eyes were the exact same color as her hair. He wore a dark red shirt and black jeans. He had a sword in a black sheath that seemed to have a unusual pattern.

    “Fukashigi? I never heard of it,” she said.

    “That's not shocking. The only people who heard of it are trying to get it. I'm trying to get it so the world can be peaceful,” he explained.

    “A demon wishing for peace? That's the first,” she laughed.

    “It's not funny! I don't even know why I'm risking my life for people who hate me,” he said.

    “Who are you risking your life for?” she asked. Why did she even care? He was a demon that could attack her at any moment. A demon that wouldn't hesitate to kill her.

    “Humans. The monsters after Fukashigi wants to create a world filled with demons. I didn't like the idea, and now it's me against them,” he explained slowly.

    “What is Fukashigi?” she asked quietly.

    He stood up and started to walk away. “There's no need for you to know about it. Humans can be more selfish than demons, so it could be more dangerous in their hands.” He then ran off at a very fast speed, and didn't turn back.

    He could have at least told her what it was! If her life was in danger then she wanted to do something about it! It should have been expected, since he was a demon.

    She started to walk away, but then she heard a low growl. 'Somebody Riha and Yuki hates. It's not the wolf demon. Who else would be around here?'

    “Hello. May I ask you some questions?” she heard someone ask.

    A guy with spiked blue hair appeared. His hair was the same color as the sky, and his eyes looked like blood. He was basically wearing the same thing as her, except he had a jacket, and it was a darker shade of blue. He had a sword in a black sheath, and she could tell he was a demon from the way the wolves acted, and the fact she felt something unusual from him.

    “What would a demon ask a human?” she asked rudely. If the wolves hated him then so did she.

    “You should watch your tone when talking to a demon,” he warned her. “I just wanted to know if you seen a wolf demon around here. He betrayed me, so he has to pay the consequence.”

    Consequence? By the sound of his voice it probably meant death. That was how demons usually thought about things. They thought killing would solve everything. “I haven't seen a wolf demon.”

    “Oh. Excuse me for wasting your time,” he said as he walked away.

    Was he really going to leave her alone just like that? She completely lied to him, and he didn't realize it? She thought demons had a strong sense of smell. If they did how did he not smell the wolf demon? Was she wrong? Were some demons actually nice? She shook her head of the thought. All demons were monsters, and she couldn't forget it.

    She was about to walk away, but she saw something blue charge at the demon. 'Yuki!' she instantly thought.

    Yuki jumped toward the demon, but a force threw her on the ground.

    “Yuki!” she shouted as she ran over to Yuki. As soon as she reached Yuki she saw something pink. Riha was attacking the demon too!? “Stop, Riha! Something isn't right about that demon!”

    Either Riha didn't hear her, or she ignored her. Why did they suddenly try to attack the demon? A dark cloud emerged from the demon and went flying toward the wolf. She heard a small cry, and then a thud.
    “Riha!” she cried. They had to be alive. They couldn't have died!

    “Dumb wolves. They realized my plan, so they tried to attack me. It would have been easier if they ran away,” he explained coldly.

    A plan that caused Riha and Yuki to attack? He must have been planning to kill her. That would have been the only thing to cause them to attack the demon. Demons really were monsters if they were going to be tricky like that! There was no reason for them to exist!

    Yuki was slowly trying to get up, but she couldn't stand. She looked at Riha, who was trying the same thing. They were still alive. She was happy they were alive, but who knew what the demon would do.

    “They're still alive? I thought they were dead. Guess I should finish them off,” he said as a black orb of what appeared to be energy gather in his hand. “But this time you will die with them.”

    “Don't kill them!” she shouted. “Please!”

    She closed her eyes while holding Yuki. She waited for the pain to come, but no pain came. She only heard, “I won't allow you to kill her!”
     
         

  2. #2
    Senior Member Dupa's Avatar
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 2

    Woooot! :izuna: Cool chapter.
    Now for chapter 3 :D
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 2

    I love this story! It's really good! I'm imagining scecnes from a video game when reading this haha I love it! Can't wait for Chapter 3! :D
     
         

  4. #4
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Dupa View Post
    Woooot! :izuna: Cool chapter.
    Now for chapter 3 :D
    Thanks! And I started it.

    Quote Originally Posted by King Volcano View Post
    I love this story! It's really good! I'm imagining scecnes from a video game when reading this haha I love it! Can't wait for Chapter 3! :D
    I get scenes from random shows. Like when the hero comes in to save the person he loves.
     
         

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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 2

    Sorry for being late

    However,Cool chapter! Alot of mystries yet to be revealed!
    Good job
     
         

  6. #6
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by wannabebetter View Post
    Sorry for being late

    However,Cool chapter! Alot of mystries yet to be revealed!
    Good job
    Thanks. ^^ And I already started chapter 3.
     
         

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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    Thanks. ^^ And I already started chapter 3.
    Cool
     
         

  8. #8
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 2

    Again, I like how the story is unfolding, however I have to say again, with the narration and with the repetition you use with demons.

    It's not just with the word itself, it's when you say things like this is how demons act or she couldn't expect anything less from a demon I do get the sense of her own prejudices that she has against demons, which I will comment on later in this post, however you keep using that word and it gets tired after a while and you're not opening yourself to more vocabulary which could describe him as a demon without actually needing to say it. Mention characteristics about him like his aura was darker then the night sky without the moon, tell that she could sense things about him that were evil and demonic or that he had a look on his face, posture, description on what classifies him as a demon so we understand what you're talking about without you needing to directly say it.

    One thing I've learned about writing fiction is leave a little something to the imagination, so that your readers can render up their own ideas about your story and plot. That's not to say make it where there are so many blanks that the reader has to actually do most of the work himself but put some thing in there and leave some out that makes the reader want to inquire more.

    Have it so they read it more and ask questions like 'is this what she meant?' or when they ask you a question and you give an honest answer they could say 'oh I didn't see it like that.' what that does is it could have you open your mind to how somebody else looked at it and you could be interested yourself and not realize that you could actually see differences in your story then what you intended on but they were there.

    Finally, to end of on a great note, my favorite thing about this chapter was that we got to see Ayame's (hope I remember the name correctly) prejudice towards demons. In the last chapter, you mention how she was ostricized by the villagers, they hated her hair and her eyes, and they could just about find anything to associate her with being a demon, it had such an impact to her that she no longer lives in the village but out in the woods somewhere all alone. However now we get to see her colors on the subject of demons. The narrator explains how she's sees demons, her rude outburst towards one demon who had not interest in harming her at all, but in fact is now saving her (this is my assumption as to the person who says "I won't allow you to kill her" Although she hates how she's treated she has that sort of hypocritical trait to her that makes her feel the same way as people see her. She's looking at the cover of the book and hasn't opened the pages and she doesn't realize that what she desires from others, for the pages of her to be read and understood. Even if the character is a demon, she should have the sympethies and, making a prediction here, I can guess we'll get to see her change those views to accept demons and eventually accept herself.

    Great chapter Netsui-chan
     
         

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