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    Reborn's Avatar
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    Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Chapter 22: New Eyes of Suna


    Koichi's form now resembles that of a miniature Shukaku. His entire body is immersed in sand, his eyes yellow with the darkness of the Shukaku and the large tail made of sand wags in the air. As Koichi rushes towards Koji, Koji holds out two scrolls in front of him. Koji uses his Shunshin to evade, Koichi's initial attack and manages to get behind him, attempting to wrap the scroll around him, however the moment Koji gets behind him, Koichi swings around with incredible speed and back fists Koji sending him flying back and into a large wall. The wind is knocked out of Koji and he falls to his knees and he begins to pant. The very second he looks up Koichi is in front of him and he launches a punch at Koji. Koji barely manages to evade the punch just before it makes contact.

    *Damn it, I can barely keep up with him.* Koichi struggles as he takes his fist out of the rubble that was once the side of the building. Koji looks at him, staring intensely at his brother. *The seal has been weakened, and the bond with the Shukaku and Koichi isn't strong enough where it would kill it if the Shukaku were to decide to completely take over. I have to do something before it gets out of—* Just then, Koji's eyes widen in terror. Before he even brings himself to finish his thought, the Shukaku's tail runs right through Koji's body. Koichi's natural speed, now increased by the Shukaku made Koji virtually helpless in even seeing the attack coming “Koichi-nii-san.” Koji mutters just before falling to his knees. Koichi lifts the tail with Koji still on it and whips him into the building from before.

    The building topples over him and Koichi turns towards the village and, possessed by the Shukaku, he heads in to begin his distruction.
    ~Deeper in Suna's Central District~

    Maiyuri, Ryoko and a group of Suna shinobi close in on the final few Jomae shinobi in the village. Ryoko acting as the sensor to decipher the imposters from the real shinobi.

    Several shinobi begin to flee before the group of Suna shinobi and Maiyuri makes four seals and places her hands on the ground “Ninpo: Magen Bara Keikyoku!” The ground beneath the enemy shinobi shakes slightly and instantly, dozens of large spiked rose stems arise from the ground beneath the shinobi, striking them all in vital points, killing them instantly. “That should be the last of them.”

    Note: Ninpo: Magen Bara Keikyoku (Ninja Art: Demonic Rose Thorns)


    “Can we be sure?” Ryoko says with doubt in her voice.

    “Once Koji used that poison on the shinobi his jutsu should have worn off, if not then definitely with he blew himself up.” Maiyuri says.

    “But what about the other hidden shinobi?” Ryoko says.

    “Don't worry about that,” Maiyuri says pointing down to the ground. Ryoko looks and sees little grains of sand flowing down at her feet and turns to see sand floating all throughout the area of the village. “This is Gaara-sama's sensing sand, no matter what justu the enemy uses, if the sand is disturbed in anyway, it'll be picked up by Gaara-sama. If there are anymore we'll be notified.”

    “Then we should star—” Just as Ryoko begins her sentence, the cries of several shinobi can be heard in the distance. Maiyuri and Ryoko turn to their rears and they hear immense rumbling and see smoke rising between several buildings. Ryoko widens her eyes in fearful shock as she begins to sense the insanely large chakra advancing quickly towards them. “This chakra...it's unreal, what is it?” Ryoko whispers under her breath.

    “It's the power of the Shukaku.” Maiyuri says. Ryoko looks at the jounin sensei, her expression tense and serious, she emits an aura of utter hostility which is unexplained, but the fear and resentment within her is all too apparent. Suddenly Koichi appears in his miniature Shukaku form, drooling at the mouth like a deranged animal.

    “Sensei...this chakra I sense Koichi's mixed in with it...what's going on?”

    Just as Ryoko finishes her statement, she makes her four seals again and uses her Demonic Rose Thorn's technique, attempting to attack Koichi. The vines rise from beneath Koichi, but in an instant, sand rises to Koichi's defense, blocking the thorns from piercing him. Koichi didn't even flinch, he simply stood there, the Shukaku's malevolent look gazing at the shinobi.

    “Sensei what are you doing?” Ryoko's shock at Maiyuri's seemingly murderous attempt.

    “We have to restrain him before—” Suddenly, Koichi appears side by side with Maiyuri. Her eyes widen as a large burst of blood erupts from her lower stomach. Ryoko looks in terror as the light leaves Maiyuri's eyes and begins to fall. Maiyuri is unconscious before she even reaches the ground and the other shinobi and Ryoko leap back away from Koichi.

    *That speed, it's unreal!* Ryoko looks at Maiyuri and sees blood spilling from her right side *That's not good, she's loosing a lot of blood, in her liver and kidney, she needs to get to the hospital fast.*

    “Look out!” One of the shinobi says. Koichi leaps into the crowd of shinobi and begins attacking them. He releases a large gust of wind with his tail, knocking several of them back from behind him. The shinobi in the front leap back and launch several chains towards Koichi, attempting to restrict him. The chains wrap around him and the shinobi add their chakra and begin to pull them down. Koichi lets out a roar and breaks out of the chains easily and he inhales deeply and exhales a large powerful gust of wind, launching the shinobi back into buildings and sending them flying just from the sheer force.

    Koichi begins attacking the shinobi head on. He leaps forward at great speeds. He claws his way through several of the shinobi and wraps his tail around the neck of another, strangling him violently. Ryoko can only stand and watch in horror as she sees several of her comrades brutally killed by Koichi, possessed by the Shukaku. *I can't just sit here and watch this happen!* Ryoko takes out four shuriken and launches them at Koichi, the sand around his body shoots up immediately and blocks the projectiles and Koichi turns to Ryoko, just as he does, Ryoko appears behind him, on his back and she reaches for the shinobi wrapped in his tail. She's restricted immediately by the sand, which wraps around her body holding her back. The sand whips Ryoko back onto the ground in front of Koichi and she looks up at him as he begins walking dizzily towards her. Koichi snaps the neck of the shinobi he holds with his tail, instantly killing him and he whips him away. With a burst of speed Koichi appears in front of Ryoko and his hand is placed tightly around her throat.

    Ryoko begins to struggle as she gasps for air. She barely remains conscious as the pressure on her throat not only suffocates her but places her in excruciating pain. She looks into the cold eyes of the Shukaku...*Koichi...what...what are you?* He squeezes her tighter and tighter. Ryoko continues gasping for air but not for relief but for words, “Ko...ichi...please...” she manages to mutter. His eyes widen suddenly and he drops Ryoko to the ground. She holds her neck coughing heavily and she even vomits from the pressure applied to her.

    Koichi stumbles backwards and the roar of the Shukaku wails throughout the village as he drops to his knees and holds his head. Ryoko turns and looks up at Koichi directly in his eyes, She sees his right eye, his normal eye brown eye color, absent of the Shukaku's and she widens her own. Koichi wails more, however they're no longer the roars of the Shukaku, but a hybrid of Koichi's cries as well, fighting to suppress the demon. “Help me!” He cries as he falls to the ground. Several shinobi begin to come onto the scene. As they come they see the miniature Shukaku and they begin to take out their weapons, with explosives in an attempt to obliterate him. They all launch their weapons at Koichi and he kneels in the way, helplessly.

    “NO!” Ryoko yells, placing herself in between the weapons. She takes out both her blades and swings them hard, releasing a gust of wind which keeps the weapons at bay an the explosives detonate in mid air.

    “Get out of the way! We have to kill that monster.” One of the shinobi says.

    “He's not a monster he's my friend.”

    “He's the Shukaku demon!” another one yells.

    “Watch it! Behind you!” Another shinobi yells frantically.

    Ryoko begins to turn but before she can completely turn around Koichi's hand is at her throat again. “Koichi...” she gasps

    Tears roll down his face, mixing with the sand. “I'm sorry Ryoko, I can't control my body, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”

    “Don't...apologize,” she manages to say. Koichi looks at her with surprise and looks into her eyes. She opens her eyes and even though the expression on her face is pain, she brings herself to a smile and looks into his eyes. “I know this isn't who you are.” More tears roll down Koichi's eyes and suddenly a large barrage of dust shoots up between Koichi and Ryoko and Ryoko is dropped to the ground again. She turns and looks above herself and she sees Gaara standing on a layer of sand in the air with a another shinobi holding Koji in his arm.

    Koichi tries to shoot up, his eyes and his consciousness have left and returned to the Shukaku's. All of a sudden, the Shukaku finds its body difficult to stand and sinks back to the ground. The gold dust sprinkled all over him, makes the sand heavy and difficult to manipulate the sand around him. “Takashi, take Koji and get him emergency first aid.” Gaara says to the shinobi.

    “Yes Gaara-sama, oh and you might need these to deal with the Shukaku.” Takashi says, handing the scrolls Koji had from earlier. “I'm just glad I made it in time before all that rubble crushed him.”

    Gaara nods and Takashi leaps down from the sand and onto the ground. He takes him to the medical shinobi who are on the ground tending to those who've been wounded. Gaara turns his attention back to Koichi and holds out the scrolls in front of him. At that moment Gaara looks with surprise to see the sand from the Shukaku begin fading off of Koichi on it's own.

    Koichi lets out a cry, this time completely in his own voice. “I WON'T LET YOU WIN!” He yells. Seconds pass and the Shukaku's sand fades from Koichi completely and he's left barely conscious in the sand, panting heavily.

    “He broke the hold by himself. The bond must be getting stronger but he hasn't learned how it works yet. Koichi, you truly are just like him.” Gaara says, putting the scrolls away.

    *Ryoko...chan...* Koichi thinks to himself just as he passes out unconscious. A few moments later he opens his eyes and sees Gaara hovering over top of him. He shoots up and sees himself still on the battle field. “What happened?”

    “Somebody weakened the seal on you, but only for a moment. The Shukaku did possess you for a good amount of time unfortunately.” Gaara says.

    “Not that!” He yells, “Where's Ryoko! Is she alright?”

    “Calm down idiot, I'm fine.” she says walking up from behind him. “I take it this was the secret you and Koji were keeping from me right?” She says in her normal neutral tone. Koichi turns his head down in shame, remembering the actions that just occurred. “I'm so sorry Koichi.” she says. Koichi looks back at her and sees her saddened expression looking away from him. “I'm really sorry.”

    Koichi smiles at her and he turns his head. “Don't worry about it. I think I can accept it now, I mean I understand the burden of doing this but I can...” Koichi stops himself as the whispers in his head from before return. *what?*

    “He's a monster.”

    “He killed all of them look”

    “How are they letting that thing roam free like that.”

    “He killed so many of our people.”

    “There they are again.” Koichi mutters under his voice. It's at that moment Koichi turns and looks at the dozens of shinobi staring directly at him, their eyes filled with hatred, fear, alienation. Koichi now realizes that the voices he hears now, are not in his head. He continues to scan his eyes around the area and he sees other shinobi and citizens coming into view, civilians who were unable to escape and were hiding now appear out in the open, staring at Koichi. Koichi's expression becomes utter fear. His worst fear is being realized at this moment, the fear and hatred from his people, the people he dedicates his entire existence to. The new eyes of Suna towards Koichi look upon him with alienation.

    ~Scroll~
    Jutsu Archive

    Ninpo: Ukio Enko (Ninja Art: Life Connection)
    Rank: A
    Developer: Kankuro
    User(s): Kankuro
    Origin: Sunagakure (After WWIV)
    Description: Developed by Kankuro of Sunagakure, this technique grants temporary animation to an puppet/inanimate object via transfering a portion of one's own chakra into the puppet. Similar in a way to the Shadow Clone Jutsu, the puppet acts and moves of it's own will, however it's mind and vision are linked to the user and the puppet itself has no base intelligence beyond instinctual fighting. The jutsu lasts for a period of time pending on the amount of chakra transfered into puppet. Chakra used up in this technique takes longer to replenish and extracts large amounts on base activation alone and more so as the jutsu is continued to be used in one single day. As a result the more times activated in one day the more chakra consumed and the less time the puppet remains active.

    Myaku Bushin (Pulsing Clone)
    Rank: C
    Developer: Mai Shichiyo
    User(s): Mai Shichiyo, Koichi Shichiyo
    Origin: Sunagakure (After WWIV)
    Description: This is a taijutsu technique from the style Suuxe-sensu, created by Mai Shichiyo. In this technique the user releases a full body blast of chakra from their body and it takes the shape of the user. The technique isn't an actual clone, however, the chakra takes the shape of the user, which gives the appearance of such. The jutsu has three uses: One, to distract or frighten one's opponent. Two to force one's opponent backwards as the chakra is dense enough, at its lowest chakra requriment to shatter through a tree. The third use is to make the user faster for a brief moment in time, as the release of such a great force of chakra all at once, temporarily gives one an almost weightless form, but with the same density allowing them to move faster. This jutsu takes chakra control on top of having a high level of chakra.

    Suuxe-sensu (Sway Style)
    Rank: N/A (fighting style)
    Developer: Mai Shichiyo
    Users(s): Mai Shichiyo, Koichi Shichiyo
    Origin: Sunagakure (After WWIV)
    Description: Suuxe-sensu is the taijutsu fighting style developed by Sunagakure kunoichi Mai Shichiyo. In this style of fighting the user utilizes precice chakra control to line one's body with chakra. Derrived from Konoha's Hyuuga style, and the medical-nin fighting style of Chakra enhanced strength, the most basic of the techniques involves defensive circular movements meant to block and use an opponent's force against them. However when combined with chakra, the circular patterns become sharp and a circular block and be used as a blade. The few strikes and kicks used in this style are powerful. This style requires chakra control and large storages of chakra.

    Kansai Kekkai Rasengan (Trapping Barrier Spiraling Sphere)
    Rank: S
    Developer: Naruto Uzumaki
    User(s): Naruto Uzumaki
    Origin: Konohagakure (After WWIV)
    Description: This is another advancement of the Rasengan created by Naruto Uzumaki. In order for this technique to work, several shinobi as the radius perimeter of the jutsu is large then that of a normal Rasengan. In Naruto's case, he would summon shadow clones to assist him in preforming the jutsu. The group would then surround the intended target and entrap them in a sphere of chakra. They would then begin to rotate their chakra as if a normal Rasengan and the billions of rotating chakra blades within the jutsu would come to overshadow the target and anything within the barrier would be virtually obliterated. The primary use of this jutsu is to create an inescapable trap around several shinobi or one/few large opponents.

    Oshi-eiei Kage (Push-pull shadow)
    Rank: B
    Developer: Shikamaru Nara
    User(s): Shikamaru Nara, Shikaku Nara, Nara clan (advanced)
    Origin: Konohagakure (During WWIV)
    Description: This is a varriation of the Shadow Imitation jutsu, the funadamental jutsu of the Nara clan. The user would extend his/her shadow just like in the normal technique to one or several targets. The user can then forcefully push away or attract their targets, closer to them (via extending or retracting their shadow (s)). One could also preform both tasks simultaniously. The advantages of this jutsu is that, if an one's opponent is primarily close ranged fighter while the user is not, they can repel them and keep them in their more comfortable range. However, this jutsu requires advanced chakra control as the acts of extending and/or retracting while keeping your target attached, and you stationary is a difficult feet.

    Boushi Kenhandou (Spinning Blade kick)
    Rank: C
    Developer: Mai Shichiyo
    User(s): Mai Shichiyo, Koichi Shichiyo
    Origin: Sunagakure (After WWIV)
    Description: Part of the Suuex-sensu style, the user focues their chakra into legs and feet. While in the air they spin at a rapid pace, which would cause the white chakra to appear as if spinning around them. The user would then let down a powerful ax kick which holds two possible outcomes. The first out come, is if the user lands on their opponent with their foot, they will slice through whatever part of the body aimed for as the feet will possess the highest form of chakra control in the source of the blade. The second outcome would be if the user strikes with their shin, they will demonstrate a devestating force and power rather then a cutting affect.

    Shisho Kekkai (Four Symbols Barrier)
    Rank: A
    Developer: Naruto Uzumaki
    User(s): Naruto Uzumaki
    Origin: Konohagakure (After WWIV)
    Description: This jutsu is activated via the Dragon-Rabit-Snake-Tiger seals. This is a defensive barrier technique designed to sheild several persons from large scale attacks. The four symbols insignia will appear underneath the area of defense and an invisible barrier of chakra will be set up around the targests. When impacted by chakra or weapons of any kind only the part being hit by the barrier will be shown via the chakra reacting to the blow. The strength of the barrier and how much it can take all depends on the user's chakra levels. Suprisingly enough the jutsu requires minimal chakra control, only to conjure up the seal and then once that's done the chakra is to be sent exited from the user's body and the seal will navigate the chakra to create the barrier, without the need for additional chakra control from the user. The main draw back to this jutsu is the fact that, while the barrier is up, the user cannot use their chakra to preform anymore techniques while inside the barrier, as the seal will have to be broken in order for the user to utilize their chakra without it going into the barrier.

    Kage Bushin Kansai (Shadow Clone Trap)
    Rank: B
    Developer: Shikamaru Nara
    User(s): Shikamaru Nara
    Origin: Konohagakure (After WWIV)
    Description: This is a combination jutsu developed by Shikamaru Nara. The user will create a shadow clone, and since the clone contains the same chakra netowrk as the user, in the case of a Nara, they have knowledge of their clan's hidden shadow jutsu. The user would then get the clone close to their opponent and have the clone gain a hold of the shinobi, long enough for the user to release the clone, but instead of disapearing in a cloud, the clone would become a shadow that engulfs one's target. That being said, the shadow clone's shadow is now a part of the target and can now be accessed by the user. The shadow surrounding the target will then extend to the origional user and give him control over the target.

    Note: Fukyuu Kage Bushin no Jutsu (Eternal Shadow Clone Technique)
    Rank: S (Forbidden)
    Developer: Naruto Uzumaki
    Users: Naruto Uzumaki
    Origin: Konohagakure (During WWIV)
    Description: This technique is perhaps the strongest form of cloning jutsu to ever exist in the world. Created by Naruto Uzumaki, this technique allows for all clones created to remain on the battle field until and sustain any amount of damage without the justu being dispelled. Being taught how to manipulate/isolate only his YinYang elements by the Kurama, Naruto learned how to create a clone which exibits heavy durrability. This jutsu is unique to Naruto as it utilizes the chakra of Kurama as well. Naruto isolates his Yin chakra and the Kyuubi's Yang chakra and fuses it together to make the clone. Essencially the clone is only made up of those two elemental chakra bases and both Yin&Yang give it specific qualities. The Yang chakra gives it the physical manifestation of a clone, while the Yin chakra makes the clone unable to be destroyed, regenerating if need be. Naruto can only sustain one clone however, and the Konoha 11 have forbidden Naruto from using the jutsu as the justu's side affects are highly dangerous. Using the jutsu keeps an active link between the user and the clone's chakra meaning the longer it is used the more chakra is being sucked away from Naruto and Kurama. Similar to how Naruto's chakra mode left him vulnerable to the Kyuubi sucking away all his chakra before their cooporation. Also, after the jutsu is released the user only gains a fraction of the chakra lost back and his natural reserves are lowered, replenishing vastly slower then before. Naruto has only used the jutsu once and only half of the chakra he expended using the jutsu has returned to him...after 20 years.

    Ninpo: Suricata Soutei Tsuchi Kansui (Ninja Art: Mongoose Binding Earth Submersion)
    Rank: B
    Developer: N/A
    Users: Kai Taiyou, Ryoko Taiyou, Shinobi Meerkat
    Origin: Sunagakure (Pre-WWIV)
    Description: This is a collaboration technique between the meerkat summoning animals and any who are signed to the contract. In this technique, the shinobi will preform a modified version of the summoning technique hand seals, and place their hands on the ground. The shinobi will simultaniously summon a mob of meerkats and several chains. The meerkats will launch the chakra enfused chains up through the earth towards the desired target and restrict them. The meerkats will then tunnle deeper into the earth, dragging their opponent down into the ground forcefully, eventually crushing them under the preassure and also suffocating them. This is a fairly skilled technique as the summoner is responsible for summoning the mob of meerkats in the desired positions for them to preform this task, as well as having the chains shoot up through the ground (which requires chakra to enhance their power allowing them to go upwards) and home in on where they need to go.

    Iku Sabaku Kyu (Several Sand Coffins)
    Rank: B
    Developer: Gaara
    Users: Gaara, Koichi Shichiyo
    Origin: Sunagakure (Pre-WWIV)
    Description: This is a simple improvement on the origional Sand Coffin technique used by Gaara, however, instead of trapping a single opponent within the sand, he can trap several individuals in different sand caskets. Although the technique is simple in it's execution, those without a history of manipulating sand must utilize Gaara's Sand manipulation secrets to preform this technique, which requires seveal seals to unlock the chakra and manipulate it in a way to preform the jutsu. As Koichi is the only other person versed in Gaara's sand manipulation, he is the only exception account of needing seals to preform this technique. In theory, the jutsu should be just the same as the Sand Coffin, capturing your opponent in sand and increasing the preassure to crush the bones and organs of your opponent, however Koichi has not yet fully mastered the technique and can only summon up the sand to restrict the movements of the shinobi and isn't able to yet crush them.
    -----------------------------------New-----------------------------------
    Ninpo: Magen Bara Keikyoku (Ninja Art: Demonic Rose Thorns)
    Rank: B
    Developer: Maiyuri Tazuko
    Users: Maiyuri Tazuko
    Origin: Sunagakure (After WWIV)
    Description: This technique is activated through the use of four hand seals, the shinobi creates several spiked, rose stem vines rise up from the ground underneath their opponent. The shinobi caster, channles their chakra into the ground underneath their opponents, affecting the vines beneath the earth sprouting them upwards sharpening them and the pricks beneath having them shoot up and impale or constrict their opponent.

    Author's Note:
    Alright, as you can see this chapter and the last chapter were leading up to this revealing ending. Nobody knew about Koichi being the Shukaku Jinchuuriki besides the higher ups in the village and the Anbu, so he had virtually nothing to worry about in terms of being ostricized. You can already suspect what is to happen now just from the last few words that were spoken about him. I'll say this, it is vitally important for those of you following this series to understand how this is to affect Koichi, think about it, he went from being one of the most popular people in the academy, praised by peers and teachers alike and now that he's the Jinchuuriki he's going to be ostricized by those very people who praised him. I want you to think about what his reactions and his mind set will become as such. Also Maiyuri Tazuko and Takeshi are the two other jounin sensei for the other two teams that became genin as well, just incase you didn't pick up on that. They (the sensei and their teams) will begin to play a role in this as well. To all those who read/comment/rep this post I thank you, enjoy
     
         

  2. #2
    An Unlikely Ally Miyuki Yukime's Avatar
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Really great! I love it!
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Quote Originally Posted by Miyuki Yukime View Post
    Really great! I love it!
    O.O the hell!? you read that in 60 seconds!? O_0
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant
     
         

  5. #5
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Quote Originally Posted by Baldy.. View Post
    Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant
    Where's the wall o text!!

    Thanks
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Quote Originally Posted by Baldy.. View Post
    Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant
    i'v yet to finish it, but i'v read enough to second this u_u
     
         
    Last edited by 'Kurapika; 03-10-2012 at 07:29 PM.

  7. #7
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Awesome Chapter. It seems Suna can never get a break from invaders or attackers. Something crazy always have to happen. And poor Koichi. His life is going to be hell in the upcoming Chapters. Also, I'm carious of what the other Genin team can do so I can't wait to see what happens next.
     
         

  8. #8
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Koji sending him flying back and into a large wall. (Just say he was sent flying into a wall, the other stuff isn't needed.) The wind is knocked out of Koji and he falls to his knees and he begins to pant. (You used and twice in the same sentence! Say it like The wind was knocked ouf of Koji as he fell to his knees panting.) The building topples over him and Koichi turns towards the village and, possessed by the Shukaku, he heads in to begin his distruction. (I don't like this sentence, it should be worded differently. Doesn't sound right.)

    Several shinobi begin to flee before the group of Suna shinobi and Maiyuri makes four seals and places her hands on the ground (taste like a run on. Reword it to say that the shinobi's flee before the suna shinobi arive. Then have her make the four seals on the ground. You are using and a lot more than you should be O.o) beneath the shinobi, striking them all in vital points, killing them instantly. (The fact that they are killed instantly by the jutsu implies that it was a vital hit. Not needed to point out the obvious.) “Once Koji used that poison on the shinobi his jutsu should have worn off, if not then definitely with he blew himself up.” Maiyuri says. (with he blew himself up? What? lol)

    Ryoko widens her eyes in fearful shock as she begins to sense the insanely large chakra advancing quickly towards them. (Ryoko's eyes widen in a fearful shock...) rises to Koichi's defense, blocking the thorns from piercing him. Koichi didn't even flinch, he simply stood there, the Shukaku's malevolent look gazing at the shinobi. (Second sentence isn't needed. You can tack on the malevolent look he's giving to the shinobi when the sand raises to his defense.)

    Ok I'm stopping there with the editing my eyes are starting to bother me lol. I will be real with you Reborn, it was a good chapter, however I felt like there was something missing. Like you weren't putting everything into it. Even with all the action going on it seemed slightly boring to me at times (again that's the complicated part that we talked about earlier.) You get props, the action was pretty good. I just couldn't feel it.
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    Koji sending him flying back and into a large wall. (Just say he was sent flying into a wall, the other stuff isn't needed.) The wind is knocked out of Koji and he falls to his knees and he begins to pant. (You used and twice in the same sentence! Say it like The wind was knocked ouf of Koji as he fell to his knees panting.) The building topples over him and Koichi turns towards the village and, possessed by the Shukaku, he heads in to begin his distruction. (I don't like this sentence, it should be worded differently. Doesn't sound right.)

    Several shinobi begin to flee before the group of Suna shinobi and Maiyuri makes four seals and places her hands on the ground (taste like a run on. Reword it to say that the shinobi's flee before the suna shinobi arive. Then have her make the four seals on the ground. You are using and a lot more than you should be O.o) beneath the shinobi, striking them all in vital points, killing them instantly. (The fact that they are killed instantly by the jutsu implies that it was a vital hit. Not needed to point out the obvious.) “Once Koji used that poison on the shinobi his jutsu should have worn off, if not then definitely with he blew himself up.” Maiyuri says. (with he blew himself up? What? lol)

    Ryoko widens her eyes in fearful shock as she begins to sense the insanely large chakra advancing quickly towards them. (Ryoko's eyes widen in a fearful shock...) rises to Koichi's defense, blocking the thorns from piercing him. Koichi didn't even flinch, he simply stood there, the Shukaku's malevolent look gazing at the shinobi. (Second sentence isn't needed. You can tack on the malevolent look he's giving to the shinobi when the sand raises to his defense.)

    Ok I'm stopping there with the editing my eyes are starting to bother me lol. I will be real with you Reborn, it was a good chapter, however I felt like there was something missing. Like you weren't putting everything into it. Even with all the action going on it seemed slightly boring to me at times (again that's the complicated part that we talked about earlier.) You get props, the action was pretty good. I just couldn't feel it.
    The fact that you pick apart specific sentences shows me that you actually read this chapter which makes me greatful that you're my sensei. all those things...I have a problem with editing my work after it's been published (posted), I take it as a thing to reflect back on. When I make a mistake I'll mark where so I can take note of them later.

    Thank you for this sensei, I really mean that, YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE AWAY I told you I still need you by my side SENSEI

    As for this chapter, it's a filler chapter more or less. I'll explain it like this, action is the secondary emphasis in this series. Yes I know of the complicated things you talked about. However if I've learned anything from reading the Naruto series, action plays a strong role in it, yet I've always loved the series for the deeper intimacy it shows, which is what I'm truely emphasising here. The end of this chapter opens up into that I believe and soon both action and deep feeling will entertwine with one another. At this point in time I'm not strong enough to do it so I have to build up everything individually in it's own set genre specifics.

    Thank you SENSEI
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    The fact that you pick apart specific sentences shows me that you actually read this chapter which makes me greatful that you're my sensei. all those things...I have a problem with editing my work after it's been published (posted), I take it as a thing to reflect back on. When I make a mistake I'll mark where so I can take note of them later.

    Thank you for this sensei, I really mean that, YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE AWAY I told you I still need you by my side SENSEI

    As for this chapter, it's a filler chapter more or less. I'll explain it like this, action is the secondary emphasis in this series. Yes I know of the complicated things you talked about. However if I've learned anything from reading the Naruto series, action plays a strong role in it, yet I've always loved the series for the deeper intimacy it shows, which is what I'm truely emphasising here. The end of this chapter opens up into that I believe and soon both action and deep feeling will entertwine with one another. At this point in time I'm not strong enough to do it so I have to build up everything individually in it's own set genre specifics.

    Thank you SENSEI
    lol yes I can't leave you alone can I. When I was reading this I was like WTH have I taught him nothing :sy: You know you can always come to me for help np I hope you take to heart what I've said. The words aren't out of cruelty or anything, I just want you to improve! :scorps:
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    lol yes I can't leave you alone can I. When I was reading this I was like WTH have I taught him nothing :sy: You know you can always come to me for help np I hope you take to heart what I've said. The words aren't out of cruelty or anything, I just want you to improve! :scorps:
    I'm a masochist in writing, I love criticism, your words were like sweetness to my ear, but if we want to be technical, my eyes . I appriciate and understand every single word you said and I thank you for all of them. I never would've caught them had it not been for you, you saved me sensei

    I told you, in your abscence I am weak because I have no guidance, no Tsunade-sensei strength or epicness to rub off on me...I won't fail you with chapter 23 I promise, you'll love it when it comes out.
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    I'm a masochist in writing, I love criticism, your words were like sweetness to my ear, but if we want to be technical, my eyes . I appriciate and understand every single word you said and I thank you for all of them. I never would've caught them had it not been for you, you saved me sensei

    I told you, in your abscence I am weak because I have no guidance, no Tsunade-sensei strength or epicness to rub off on me...I won't fail you with chapter 23 I promise, you'll love it when it comes out.
    :mugi: I better lol I want you to suck me into the story. Like I do with mine Make it feel like I'm right there seeing it for myself!
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    :mugi: I better lol I want you to suck me into the story. Like I do with mine Make it feel like I'm right there seeing it for myself!
    I'm releasing it today, I'm writing it now and I'm going to finish soon and edit so I'll be off soon to do that
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    most of the cannon fodders are *******s who would create a self fulfilling prophecy
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Good work. Extensive scroll too, I see. :D

    Let me pay you a compliment: This would series make an excellent extension of the manga.
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Quote Originally Posted by Bodhisattva View Post
    Good work. Extensive scroll too, I see. :D

    Let me pay you a compliment: This would series make an excellent extension of the manga.
    go on...

    no seriously continue . I'm not sure if this would be as good an extention as Michael's Sage chronicles but I try to make it where it's believeable in terms of it happening
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Man, TOC has the eyes of a hawk in spotting errors. Said I'll be back to comment on this. It was really cool, I liked it a lot. I really for more Shukaku outbursts in the future.
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Shichiyo Gaiden XXII

    Awsome ok on to the next chapter
     
         

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