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  1. #1
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    I'm sorry for the long wait everyone! Chapter 2 & 3 are done, but for now I'm only uploading chapter 2. Chapter 3 will be up later on. I'll try to get at least one chapter in once a week, but I would love to get in more chapters.
    Link to chapter 1: Chapter 1

    Fate or Hope


    Chapter 2

    Gun shots? It was repeating what happened seven years ago! She didn't want that! She wouldn't forgive herself if somebody else died for her! 'The world can't wait any longer. I have to change it now!'

    The burning slowly started to fade away, and she was able to stop crying. Her chest felt like air just flew into it after emerging from water. It felt light instead of heavy. The burning didn't go away completely, but it wasn't enough to affect her.

    Then she realized she was moving. The boss and the kid were still in view, but barely. She was too far away to see who got shot. Was the kid okay? “Let go of me! I already told you I'm not as weak as before!” she exclaimed.

    “Coming from the girl who cried her eyes out,” he said rudely.

    If only she had something to use against him. Then she could escape, and then deal with the boss. She had to help the kid because it was too late. But she couldn't see anything that could be used as a weapon. There wasn't even a stone around that could possibly help. It couldn't end that way. An ending where somebody she didn't even know died, and where she died. That type of ending couldn't happen! Kenji wanted her to live so she could change the world, but all she did was run and hide.

    She closed her eyes, hoping everything was a horrible dream, but something deep inside her told her it was real. She wasn't good in that type of situation. That's why Kenji died seven years ago, because she couldn't handle it like he did. 'Kenji, what should I do? I can't die, not yet. I have to change this world for you. No, not just for you, but for everyone else. I refuse to die before I fulfill my promise!'

    All of a sudden her injured wrist felt like it was in an oven, and then it felt like it was on fire. She tried to pull her hand out, but as she tried a strong force pushed her back, followed by a scream. She opened her eyes to see a pillar of flame where she was just at. She couldn't see Menji, but she was pretty sure scream came from him. She was pretty far from the boss and the kid, and it sounded like it was so close.

    She examined her injured wrist, and frowned at it. Not only did it get injured earlier, it looked like it was a serious burn. Blisters were already on her arm, but it didn't appear to be too deep. That was a good thing; she probably didn't have to go to the hospital to get it checked out. 'But where did the fire come from?' she asked herself.

    “Menji! What happened?” the boss said as he ran to their location. He looked at the pillar of flame, and then glared at her. He already had his gun aimed at her. “You killed him! How dare you kill him! You'll pay for that!

    She tried to get up, but her right ankle gave as she heard a gun shot. Her ankle was definitely worse than it appeared if she couldn't put any weight on it. How was she going to survive if she couldn't run away!? It was luck the bullet missed because of her ankle, but luck hasn't exactly been on her side. Where the cops the kid called!? Did they not believe him? Was he dead already?

    “I won't miss a second time. You're going to-” was all he was able to say before the gun was knocked out of his hand, and then the police swarmed around them.

    “We released you because we didn't have enough evidence, and now you give us the evidence we needed. Senji, you're under arrest! Not only for attempted murder, but for the murder that happened seven years ago!” the policeman in the middle said. A group of policemen then tackled him, and started to drag him away.

    “No! She killed Menji! She killed my brother! I want to see her dead!” Senji yelled as he tried to break away.

    Brother? Now that she thought about it, she never paid attention to Menji's face. We're the two of them really related? 'Why does it matter? He killed Kenji, who was more than a Brother to me.”

    The policeman, who she assumed was the chief because he was the only policeman that didn't tackle Senji, walked over to her. She hoped they weren't going to arrest her because a pillar of flame killed Menji. She got injured because of the pillar! Why would she injure herself just to kill someone? She would never have thought of doing anything like that!

    “We're not going to arrest you. We just want to ask you how Menji died, and how injured you are,” the chief said.

    She started at the beginning when they knocked her down, and how she just realized she couldn't walk, let alone stand on her right foot. She explained the incident from seven years ago when they killed Kenji, who only died trying to protect her. It was hard explaining the pillar of flame since her eyes were closed. It seemed like it came out of no where. Wait, it probably did come out of the no where. Fire just doesn't appear out of no where, let alone a pillar of it. She almost forgot to mention the kid who contacted the police, and had to ask if he was okay. He had to be okay. She wouldn't forgive herself if he died.

    “He's okay. He got shot once, but it wasn't serious,” the chief said. “I'm not a medic or anything, but it doesn't like you broke your ankle. It's a good idea to go to the hospital to be on the safe side. Question is, who can take you to the hospital? We have our hands full with a lot of things today,” he asked.

    “I can take her to the hospital, Officer. I pass the hospital everyday,” someone said from behind her. She turned around to locate where the voice had come from, and she saw a strange figure. He wore a black ninja mask, which was weird because who would wear a mask in the middle of the day? It covered his whole face except his hair and eyes. He had short straight hair that reminded her of the night sky, and his eyes were exactly like Senji's; blazing red. No, his eyes appeared to have more emotion. It was hard to tell though, considering she couldn't see his face.

    “I would never hand over an injured girl to a masked man. That would go against my code!” the chief exclaimed.

    The masked man stared at the chief, as if he was in thought. His white cloak started to blow with the wind as a breeze came by, and then he said, “I will be taking her to the hospital, Officer.”

    When she looked at the chief he was smiling. What was he happy about!? He was just serious, and then he was smiling? That made no sense to her! 'Are the police unreliable?

    “Okay. Just be careful with her,” the chief said.

    The masked man walked over to her, and carefully placed her on his back. He made sure not to touch any of the injured areas, but it still bothered her. Why would the chief trust this man all of a sudden? “Wait, Officer! You said you didn't trust him! I don't trust him to take me to the hospital! I'd rather crawl than have him carry me!”

    The chief ignored her, and the masked man started to walk away. Who was this guy, and why did he insist on taking her to the hospital? She never seen him around before, so why would he want to take her to the hospital? What did he do to the chief that changed his mind? She didn't see anything happen between the two. Did she miss something between them? She doubted that he was going to take her to the hospital. She wouldn't be shocked if he took her somewhere else. He was a stranger, and the stranger danger bell in her head was blaring. It was telling her she had to somehow get away. She couldn't trust him.

    As if he knew what she was planning, he suddenly dropped her on the ground. She held back a cry as her ankle hit the ground. Her ankle felt like a stone was just dropped on it. What was that guy's problem!? Dropping her like that when she was already injured! He only made it worse! “Hey! I'm injured. What's your problem!?” she complained. She looked around to see where they were. She was shocked when she saw the hospital building, since she wasn't expecting him to take her to the hospital. How did he get there so fast anyway? Was she that lost in thought? Even though they were at the hospital she saw no reason for him to drop her like that.

    He turned around to look at her, and he was glaring at her with such intensity in his eyes. “Listen to me now, or you will regret it,” he said slowly. “Stay out of my way.”
     
         
    Last edited by Netsui; 04-07-2012 at 02:28 PM.

  2. #2
    Valar Morghulis!! Rand al'Thor's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    I like it D
     
         

  3. #3
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by veduto View Post
    I like it D
    Thanks. Chapter 3 will be coming, hopefully, within 8 hours.
     
         

  4. #4
    Valar Morghulis!! Rand al'Thor's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    what u are in a chapter spree or what..D
     
         

  5. #5
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    Thanks. Chapter 3 will be coming, hopefully, within 8 hours.
    8 hours?! :whoa: well when a woman is on a mission! lol
    I need to go back and read chapter 1 >.>
     
         

  6. #6
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by veduto View Post
    what u are in a chapter spree or what..D
    I already had it written down, it just needs to be... tweaked?

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    8 hours?! :whoa: well when a woman is on a mission! lol
    I need to go back and read chapter 1 >.>
    . ^^ Take your time. I know there's a lot to catch up on.
     
         

  7. #7
    Senior Member Dupa's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    Awesome chapter. Things are building up
     
         

  8. #8
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    "Her ankle was definitely worse than it appeared if she couldn't put any force on it." I don't know if force is the right word, I would've weight, just my opinion.
    A masked man, nice ^_^
    great job can't wait for the next....oh wait I don't have to! :D lol
     
         

  9. #9
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    "Her ankle was definitely worse than it appeared if she couldn't put any force on it." I don't know if force is the right word, I would've weight, just my opinion.
    A masked man, nice ^_^
    great job can't wait for the next....oh wait I don't have to! :D lol
    Thanks. xD I'll change it.
     
         

  10. #10
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    Another epic chapter. I love how you're building up the suspense and leaving so many questions to be asked. Your imagery was awesome, you're a great writer.
     
         

  11. #11
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    nice D
     
         

  12. #12
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    50% of the series done ^^

    Alright here are the parts I enjoyed in this chapter.

    The pillar of fire that just erupts out of nowhere. Was the fire caused by her or was it caused by that masked man?

    And now we have a mysterious masked man who may or may not have been the one who saved her from the thugs and also the one who escorted her to the hospital.

    You left us with that cliffhanger again at the last little bit when we hear the masked stranger giving her that little warning and that was pretty good ^^
    -------------------------------------------------------

    Now for the things I wasn't too fond of.

    First I'll just go to mention that there were a few little plot holes in terms of the logic of the scenes. This is just me being technical but I feel I have to say it. When the police are called generally you get the whole briggade; police, ambulance, firefighters. Not saying that was all necessary but when there are weapons and things involved youd get the ambulance with the paramedics to take care of it.

    You also mention the other kid having been shot. Being shot is grounds enough for hospitalization, what ever happened to him? You sort of sped by that fact when the Officer answered her question about if the boy was alright, he said his wound wasn't anything serious. Still somebody would've had to take him to the hospital to at least get the bullet removed.

    In a standard 911 call for distress or a situation like this, when the police capture you, they won't marandize you about past crimes, or at least not from what I've seen. Also it's curious how the police officer would understand the situation that happened seven years ago, although you did mention he was the chief so that could be grounds enough. However there is still the issue of you making it seem like the protagonist didn't know of the chief. I would assume if there was an actual case conducted for whatever happened seven years ago the girl would've been involved in it unless they couldn't find her or anything. That being said she should be familure with most of the higher ranked officers who had some part of authority when it comes to the case.
    ----------------------------------------------------

    I've already told you about the personalization issue with the narrator having too much of a biased view towards the protagonist here so I won't eleborat heavily on it as when you re-read your chapters at some point (another helpful tip browse through your chapters every now and again) you should be able to figure out where those points are. I will just cover the basics on this again. The narrator is displaying a bias towards the protagonist trying to amass sympathy for her character and is portraying things in a fashion that would get the reader to see things in a light that isn't the protagonist's perspective necessarily, but in a view of siding with her over other characters. The choice of vocabulary you use with the narrator is almost as if it's speaking for the girl. We're only seeing one side of the coin and it's difficult to look from other perspectives when you're over emphasizing the protagonist as the victim or simply as the person who you should be most concerned for.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Last little thing would be the over use of questioning in this chapter. I'm not sure if was apparent in your last chapter or not, but here the narrator asks a melody of plot intertwined questions. This adds the previous point above with the narrator's personal view on here. The characterization of a non-existent character.

    How was she going to survive if she couldn't run away!?
    Where the cops the kid called!? Did they not believe him? Was he dead already?
    Brother? Now that she thought about it, she never paid attention to Menji's face. We're the two of them really related?
    She got injured because of the pillar! Why would she injure herself just to kill someone?
    This is only the first half of your chapter, there were quite a few more but I'm not going to point them all out here but these are all questions involved with the story and I mean like these are questions that directly pertain to the story, which takes away from the reader. You spelled everything out for the chapter the reader (at least myself) had very little to inquire on. These questions aren't meant to be asked by a narrator like this, it's not to be intertwined with the seires unless the narrator is a character as I've said in your first chapter. However, it is not a charactter we hear the voice but we never hear the voice but never do we hear the narrator speak on his/herself.
    -------------------------------------------

    In all honesty I didn't enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed the first chapter. In both chapters there's things you sort of speed past in terms of background and things you accelerate fast by in terms of the advancing the story and here I just didn't see too much interesting besides the mysterious masked guy and the fire that erupted.
     
         

  13. #13
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    its AWSOME i really like it plus rep now on to read chapter 3
     
         

  14. #14
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 2

    Ooh.....mystery. Great chap. Next!
     
         

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