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  1. #1
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    I'm sorry it's a bit short. xD I did edit it a lot from what it originally was since I wanted to try going into more detail. I hope you like it.
    Link to chapter 1: Chapter 1
    Link to chapter 2: Chapter 2

    Fate or Hope


    Chapter 3

    The masked man disappeared ,and she somehow managed to crawl into the hospital. She was so confused by that man. What was he after? Why did he think she would try to stop him? As long as it didn't involve her he could do whatever he wanted.

    “Mavi. Your ankle isn't broken, so you don't need a cast. However, we think you should use a wheelchair for a bit,” the nurse said calmly.

    “Why do I need a wheelchair if it's not broken? What about crutches?” she asked.

    “You need the wheelchair because if your ankle gets worse then it could end up breaking. And with your arm that badly burned I don't think using crutches would help,” the nurse explained. “We did find cream that you could use on your arm too. We recommend you use it until it disappears.”

    That was one of the days she absolutely hated. Why did she have to use a wheelchair? She didn't have to go to school, so it's not like she needed it for transportation. Her life was already cursed to be awful, so what was the point of going to school anyway? A life she didn't deserve. The world was a cruel thing. 'I miss you, Kenji.' The world seemed more alive when he was around. It seemed like nothing bad happened in the world. It seemed like everything was actually alive and peaceful, and then he died. After his death it seemed like everything died. She couldn't see any life anywhere. She only saw shells of those who once lived. She wanted to get rid of that feeling, but it wouldn't go away. That's how she made her promise.

    “We got your wheelchair ready. Can you get home on your own?” the nurse asked.

    She only nodded as she slowly hopped over into the wheelchair. Using one leg was difficult. She almost fell a million times, and she did end up falling twice. Crawling to the wheelchair was probably easier than hopping when she thought about it.

    She slowly started to wheel out of the room. It was hard for her to use her hand because of the burn. It felt like it would just break off if she used it. She attempted using one hand, but she wasn't getting anywhere with one hand. She had to force herself to use the burned hand, and had to tell herself to ignore the cry of pain from her hand.

    Whenever she finally managed to get out of the hospital the first thing she saw was the masked man. What did he want that time? He had no reason to be there.

    “Did you consider what I told you? I don't want you to get hurt,” he said. “You're too beautiful to get involved. That straight blonde hair of yours that barely reaches your waist, those blank green eyes, and that white dress with the pink bow. All those color blend perfectly with each other in harmony. There's no way someone like you would want to get involved.”

    What a creeper. Who examines people like that!? It made her feel like he was looking through her instead of at her. Who knew what went through that mind of his. “As long as it doesn't involve me then I won't be involved,” she answered.

    “Good answer. Then you wouldn't get involved after I destroy the government building. Bye,” he said as he disappeared.

    He was planning on attacking the government building!? She couldn't let that happen! How did he disappear like that anyway? Was he already at the government building? No, that wasn't possible. It was about a thirty minute walk from the hospital. She had to get to the government building, but it would take longer because of the wheelchair! She wouldn't make it in time if she used the wheelchair. She really needed Kenji's advice. He always knew what to say when she was in trouble. She still remembered the starry night when she felt so useless. He cheered her up back then.

    “Kenji! I tried everything, but he still left!” she cried.

    He wrapped his arms around her, and started to pat her back. “It's okay, Mavi. We're not grown up yet, so we can't do everything,” he said softly as he looked at the sky. “There's a legend out there though. One that I believe in so strongly that I think it might be real.”

    She stared at him as he looked at the sky. She never paid attention to any legends or any of that stuff. She didn't find it interesting, but Kenji loved it. He loved telling her legends, which some of them she actually enjoyed.

    “The legend states how everyone was born with a natural power. The natural power was different for everyone, sometimes it was the same, and other times there could be more than one. I'm not exactly sure what the natural power part means, but it doesn't have to be anything fancy. It could be a power like being able to convince someone out of anything. Wouldn't it be nice if it were real, Mavi?”

    If only that legend were true. She could have used a natural power, especially a convincing one. If she could convince someone out of anything she would convince the masked man not to destroy the government building. Her Mom was in that building, she couldn't just leave him alone. If the government building got destroyed, then her Mom would be... “I can't lose her too. I don't see her often, but I can't lose her!” she cried. She had to save her. She had to get to the building. 'I'll get there. I will force myself to walk if I have to. That legend has to be real. That man disappeared right in front of me. If that's not a natural power then I don't know what it was!'

    She closed her eyes, just like how she did when Menji was taking her away. That pillar of flame had to be a sign. A sign of a natural power. She didn't know how it appeared, but she had to try something! 'Wait for me, Mom. I'm coming to save you now!'

    When she opened her eyes she was no longer in the wheelchair, which was weird because she didn't feel movement at all. She was in the sky above the hospital. How was she in the sky!? She was only trying to think of the quickest way to the government building! Wasn't teleporting the quickest way? 'Do I not have teleporting as a natural power? Is flying the quickest way?' The breeze did feel nice in her hair; it was warm, not cold. She wished she could enjoy it forever, but she had to get to the government building.

    She started heading toward the government building as fast as possible. That was when she started having trouble. The wind stung against her skin, especially where it was burned and injured at. She actually ended up slowing down, since she could not handle the pain that the wind gave. Even though she was in a hurry she couldn't force herself to endure the pain. She had to make it to the government building before it was too late. She couldn't afford to slow down, but she couldn't afford to go faster. Then she saw the masked man in the sky.

    “I thought you wouldn't get involved,” he said.

    “I had to get involved,” she replied. “My Mom is in there!”

    He looked at her, and then looked away. “Sacrifices are essential, especially in this case. You're too late.”
     
         
    Last edited by Netsui; 04-07-2012 at 10:31 PM.

  2. #2
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    first to post :overjoy: lol seriously I will read it
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    I'll settle for second post
     
         

  4. #4
    You-Know-Who Mante's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    Nice work! I'm 3rd to post and thank :D
     
         

  5. #5
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    4th! :izuna:
    Story is getting more interesting
     
         

  6. #6
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    Wow amazing 0.0 I'm interested to see where you go with this. As I stated with the last two that I've read, it's an epic chapter. You made an awesome start in chapter one, and is still running with it, I love it.

    I love the name of the characters as well ;d
     
         

  7. #7
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    Quote Originally Posted by General Yama View Post
    Wow amazing 0.0 I'm interested to see where you go with this. As I stated with the last two that I've read, it's an epic chapter. You made an awesome start in chapter one, and is still running with it, I love it.

    I love the name of the characters as well ;d
    Thanks. ^^ I'm so glad you love it. I actually love this FF. Usually I get bored with something I write, but I'm interested in it. Even though I know what's happening I'm surprising myself still! :D
     
         

  8. #8
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    "Her life was already cured to be awful, so what was the point of going to school anyway?" Imo cured is a bad choice of words as it contradicts the sentence. When you saw cured you automatically think something good, healthy, back to normal, ect. Should have used cursed, doomed, ect. these negative words work better. I think you probably meant cursed and forgot the s in it?

    "It seemed like nothing bad happened in the world. It seemed like everything was actually alive and peaceful, and then he died." Careful for repetition also you could easily join these two sentences together to make one and not have to use the same words. It seemed like nothing bad happened in the world, as if everything was more alive and peaceful before he perished. Just my opinion. Also I noticed you do that a lot, make short sentences that you can easily combine the next one with and still avoid it being a run on.

    "She had to force herself to use the burned hand, and had to tell herself to ignore the cry of pain from her hand." You used hand twice in one sentence >.> Try re-writing your sentences to avoid repetition for ex. "She forced herself to use the burned hand as she forced back the pains that were being caused from her actions." or "She fought back the tears of pain that burned her eyes as she used her injured hand to turn the wheels on her chair." (I like the second one better tbh lol as it shows more) I still see the need for more detail in your writing, but it has improved.

    These are just a few things I wanted to point out to you, hopefully this advice helps you.
    Nice story plot though ^_^ just continue to write and you will do well with it.
    Also @ your last comment, when a writer is excited about their own story, you know it's going to be a good one
     
         
    Last edited by ThatOneChick; 04-07-2012 at 10:36 PM.

  9. #9
    Previous UN: Yama Cadmuss's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    Thanks. ^^ I'm so glad you love it. I actually love this FF. Usually I get bored with something I write, but I'm interested in it. Even though I know what's happening I'm surprising myself still! :D
    Your welcome, it was a pleasure. I'm so glad that you're interested, it means I get to read more :zonder: , keep up the high spirit ^^
     
         

  10. #10
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    Loved it, loved this chapter the most. ^^

    Although it went against what I said before about the narrator thing;

    What a creeper
    :rofl: I couldn't help but laugh at that.
    -----------------------------------
    Since there are more things I liked then disliked or felt you could improve on in the chapter, I'll start there.

    I'm just going to keep reiterating the basics about the characterization of the narrator thing. To personal and too biased, I can understand a few times here and there but all the time it doesn't give too much to the sympathies of other characters as it feels like you have the protagonist telling how she feels and everything and the narrator right on there backing her up by being that backseat driver or side kick.

    Along with that you have the questioning again, however significantly less of an issue in this chapter as you had with the last chapter so you did improve on that.
    ---------------------------

    Alright now for my resons for loving this chapter lol.

    I love how you're constructing the relationship with the protagonist and the masked man. You're giving the masked man that aloofness and although he expresses how he wants her to stay out of his way, you have him do things (which I believe he may know about) provokes somebody like her and is acttually teasing her in a playful way. When I mean in a playful way, I mean probably just to get her worked up and then have that Jk moment. Although I could be wrong.

    You're bringing up the past with Mavi and Kenji in a manor that's not simply speeding by the whole issue of seven years ago. You're showing their past relationship and the significance it had and linking it to the to the timeframe of where the story is taking place right now.

    Her unlocking this hidden power, these natural powers of somesort, the significance of this in leauge with her relationship with Kenji also has it hinting to hy Mavi and Kenji were in trouble before all those years ago. There seems like there's a whole lot more then I expected and I have so many questions (that weren't already asked) and so many predictions and guesses as to what may be happening in the furture of this series. I want to know how everything is going to link together with Mavi and the masked man. What adventures are there going to be? The details of everything that seven years ago and how it relates in the long run.

    I turely did enjoy this chapter the most out of the three I've actually read.

    I'm giving this one an 8.5/10 :D
     
         

  11. #11
    Senior Member serenaandrosie's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 3

    it is definately getting good i cant wait for the next chapter
     
         

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