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  1. #1
    Member LionDemon's Avatar
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    Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    Fire to the Kage Chapter 1


    Prologue:
    Haven’t you wondered why it’s all turned out this way? I have, every single day of my life since that accident; I have asked myself that one question. While children go out to play, go to school, have friends, family… I get nothing? How is this fair? To make it clear for you I should probably tell you about the accident, so…
    It was an exceptionally hot night, and I barely got any sleep. Nightmares about the war have made me get up at 3:00a.m., drenched in cold sweat, heart beating quickly, blood roaring in my ears… I imagined bullets shooting my way, tearing through the air with an ear splitting whistle. My friend was running away in the direction of the desert, in vain attempt to get away from the terrorists. Suddenly came a bright flash and that was the last I have seen of my friend… After the initial moment of shock I recovered and got on with my own escape. Running… images flew past when I ran out my door. I ran until I reached a cliff. If only I could jump over… No, I can’t make it, if I did that it would be my final shot. I allowed myself a look back. I saw an armored man running at me with an incredible speed. I had to. I had to jump, no chances otherwise. I looked down at the drop, it was about 50 paces down, but I had no chances. I’d rather die than be captured. I closed my eyes. Just as I was ready to jump, two strong arms grabbed my shoulders. I roared with pain, but the man covered my mouth. His hands were rough and tasted of blood. All I could remember was a bright flash and then darkness, I got knocked unconscious then. The next morning I woke up in an old, dusty tent. It smelt burnt and raspy. I found out that I have been abducted by the other village, Sunagakure. That was when the torture started~ forcing to kill, moving at night, no food, sickness, I could go on… One day, I decided that it was enough. I refused to kill and work. I got sentenced to death…
    Now, as you know my story, I have two questions to ask you; Why has it turned out this way? The hurt, the pain… I would know, writing this a day before my own execution.

    Suna Guard: Wake up you useless prick. Kazekage wants to see you.

    He grabs my shoulder where I got shot. I’m too asleep to notice and feel pain. I would never have faced this man if I decided to jump earlier. My friend, my only friend at that time, was Aruko. When I wanted to destroy Konoha, I met this boy in the forest. He is only 13, but he had something about him that I couldn’t quite understand. He had a born ability to heal, and he had no reason to live without me. And now, since he is dead, I regret my decision. Itachi was right.

    Sasuke: Uhh.. excuse me.. am I dead yet?

    The guard looks at me with surprise, he doesn’t understand anything. He only has the illusion that everything he does is right. So that’s what it takes to be a shinobi of Sunagakure.

    Guard: Ah. You conscious already? I thought Sakura-chan’s drug will do the job taking you out until we are Kazekage’s palace.

    Sasuke: Sakura.. eh? I don’t really remember… is she a shinobi?

    Guard: So Madara did brainwash you after all.
    I’m afraid he is right, Madara has been using me. I’m a tool of hatred and power. A true avenger. Madara wanted that to stay the same. But looks like the drug, what ever it is, woke me up. I wasn’t a complete emo after all.

    Guard: Stand up, Uchiha Sasuke, we are entering the palace. Kankuro-sempai, I need some more chains. I don’t think this will hold this prick.

    Kankuro: I’ll take him from here.

    I look at the palace, sand falling from it.. moving slowly towards the entrance… and I see…

    Chapter 2 here
    I know this is short, but for my first fan fic, I need accual feedback and an opinion. Hope you like it ^^
     
         
    Last edited by LionDemon; 05-28-2012 at 02:24 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member serenaandrosie's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    its different you should continue plus rep for effort not something i am into usually but you should continue it like i said and do another chapter
     
         

  3. #3
    Ridiculous! Lord Goku's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    its nice and cool rep
     
         

  4. #4
    Member LionDemon's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Goku View Post
    its nice and cool rep
    Quote Originally Posted by serenaandrosie
    its different you should continue plus rep for effort not something i am into usually but you should continue it like i said and do another chapter
    Thanks! I'm brain-storming the second chapter now, I really want some action in it. ^^
     
         

  5. #5
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    Not bad...

    It's pretty different and unique, I don't really have the sense of who Sasuke is at this point since he seems to have gone through a complete reform. You seem to skip past a lot of the actual story within this one of yours, like the outcome of Madara and the war efforts or what happened between him and Naruto but we'll see how you incorporate it, if you do so. Regardless it's not really needed.

    It's a new tangent and it's going towards a different medium. I feel like this is part way between the narutoverse and another plain because it seems off first glance that people like Kankuro and Sakura are a little formal to him. He seems to have forgotten about Sakura, and Saukra herself was involved with actually drugging Sasuke.

    He's in Sunagakure and he's being sentenced to death yet we hear of nothing with Naruto's involvement but Sakura seems to be on board with it for the simple matter of the explination that she was involved with the drug. I'm sure you'll clarify everything later but for now, this seems like an interesting new idea. I'm not a fan of Sasuke or the Uchihas (the company of Madara and Itachi excluded) in fact I dislike them.

    This new side of Sasuke and this kid Aruko and the back story you give (Which I assume is at some point past the war or nearing the end of it or completel irrelivant to it all together) is definately a unique idea so I'll try to keep posted on this for a while.

    +rep
     
         

  6. #6
    Member LionDemon's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    Not bad...

    It's pretty different and unique, I don't really have the sense of who Sasuke is at this point since he seems to have gone through a complete reform. You seem to skip past a lot of the actual story within this one of yours, like the outcome of Madara and the war efforts or what happened between him and Naruto but we'll see how you incorporate it, if you do so. Regardless it's not really needed.

    It's a new tangent and it's going towards a different medium. I feel like this is part way between the narutoverse and another plain because it seems off first glance that people like Kankuro and Sakura are a little formal to him. He seems to have forgotten about Sakura, and Saukra herself was involved with actually drugging Sasuke.

    He's in Sunagakure and he's being sentenced to death yet we hear of nothing with Naruto's involvement but Sakura seems to be on board with it for the simple matter of the explination that she was involved with the drug. I'm sure you'll clarify everything later but for now, this seems like an interesting new idea. I'm not a fan of Sasuke or the Uchihas (the company of Madara and Itachi excluded) in fact I dislike them.

    This new side of Sasuke and this kid Aruko and the back story you give (Which I assume is at some point past the war or nearing the end of it or completel irrelivant to it all together) is definately a unique idea so I'll try to keep posted on this for a while.

    +rep
    Thanks for the feedback Reborn ^^

    In fact, I dislike Sasuke myself, but I want to change him into a different person, which will make him into a more likable character. Shh.. Naruto will be soon involved :3
     
         

  7. #7
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by LionDemon View Post
    Thanks for the feedback Reborn ^^

    In fact, I dislike Sasuke myself, but I want to change him into a different person, which will make him into a more likable character. Shh.. Naruto will be soon involved :3
    I keep him to the character in my story. He's basically a 40 year old emo still . I had him captured in my series but he escaped with a little help from his friends (hopes you get the refrance ).

    That's not much of a spoiler if you havn't read it since it happened early. Idk if you have read any of my chapters but or are following my series at all but I ususually write better if I read other people's FFs.

    That in mind, Michael Western, Kuroi Hono, TOC, and Keotsu are all great writers you should check out if you want some inspiration. I'm a fanboy of their works but none more then TOC SHISHOU if you see this Shishou I love you
     
         

  8. #8
    Member LionDemon's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    I keep him to the character in my story. He's basically a 40 year old emo still . I had him captured in my series but he escaped with a little help from his friends (hopes you get the refrance ).

    That's not much of a spoiler if you havn't read it since it happened early. Idk if you have read any of my chapters but or are following my series at all but I ususually write better if I read other people's FFs.

    That in mind, Michael Western, Kuroi Hono, TOC, and Keotsu are all great writers you should check out if you want some inspiration. I'm a fanboy of their works but none more then TOC SHISHOU if you see this Shishou I love you
    I will defenatly check them out, and btw, Chapter 2 is at it's first draft, I need some word changes and such, I have been following your FF since... ages ago. Now that I finally notice how other fanfics are more dialogue, and mine more descriptive xD Not sure if I should add more speech or not
     
         

  9. #9
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by LionDemon View Post
    I will defenatly check them out, and btw, Chapter 2 is at it's first draft, I need some word changes and such, I have been following your FF since... ages ago. Now that I finally notice how other fanfics are more dialogue, and mine more descriptive xD Not sure if I should add more speech or not
    Depends on how well you can portray your your characters, but you can tell a lot from a character from the things they say, but not everything which is the point. You're not supposed to tell everything about your characters, you need to have the readers come up with their own conclusions and later explain what you were trying to say.

    Half the fun about Fanfictions is seeing how others react to your characters and how you react yourself.

    For example, one of my readers for Shichiyo hates Ryoko with a passion but I love her. She's the Sakura of my series lol but I love her so much and I feel bad for her because of everything I've set up for her and her character development . Then I have to rebut what he says, I'm defending my own character like I'm the reader too it's really fun

    Let people think how they may about your characters and display your own passions.
     
         

  10. #10
    Team Taka AnimeIsPerfection's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    Nice job man. keep up the good work
     
         

  11. #11
    Senior Member IzunaUchiha2's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    Good thing
     
         

  12. #12
    Winter Is Coming Azráel's Avatar
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    Re: Fire to the Kage- Chapter I

    Good....I actually liked the start....n Sasuke being brain washed.....that's something new that you brought.......it makes it different from the other ffs
     
         

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