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  1. #1
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    AlterOne Chapter 1

    NOTE: NOT FANFIC

    1

    Akko could hear their voices as the Veldt came ever closer. With his mana* nearly depleted, if they found him, which he knew they would, he'd be fighting on essex** alone. As he falls back onto the wall and slides to the floor, his eyes go to the mirror across the dark room, illuminated by the light of the full moon. His appearance much changed from years past; gone is the young man he once was, the face looking back at him now was that of saddened eyes, matted hair, and a ruffled prematurely graying beard. He looked down, the blood seeping through his fingers as he holds his stomach in an effort to slow the bleeding, the gash ever flowing. He raises his head and leans it back against the wall, looking out of the window and into the night sky. His thoughts turn to years past, the friends, the family he's lost as a loneliness he has never felt before washes over him. Near the edge of death, the question arises.

    "How did it come to this?"


    ***

    "Akko ducks the Water Whip. He comes back up with a hard Flaming Uppercut sending the his opponent off the platform and out of the tournament!" the announcer says

    "Akko advances to the semi-finals" states the referee, pointing the green flag at Akko

    He waves to the cheering crowd in the stadium as he exits the arena, making way for the next set of combatants. As he leaves the dark tunnel from the arena, Akko turns onto the hall of his dressing room and is met by a mob of screaming girls and flashing cameras.

    "There he is, it's Akko!" a girl screams

    Before they masses can surround Akko, he holds up his hands.

    "Stop." he says, "I don't know how you all got back here but I'm a little tired right now, I can't~~"

    "Please Akko!"

    "Give me your autograph!"

    "Come on Akko, smile for the camera!"

    Too tired to bother at the moment, Akko jumps into the crowd, fighting his way through, finally managing to half fall into his room, falling back against it as the women continue to bang at it on the other side. He immediately slumps into the chair in front of his mirror, putting his head on the table and letting out an exasperated sigh.

    "Well aren't you quite the celebrity."

    Akko brings his head up and turns around in the direction of the voice. Behind him, sitting cross legged on the couch, was a flaming red haired woman, perhaps Akko's age, but her look was a more refined maturity about it, the briefcase at her side adding to the aura.

    "How'd you get in here?" he asks, the door had been locked

    The woman ignores his question, "I've come with a proposition."

    "What kind of proposition?"

    "I've come on behalf of my boss," she states, "He sees you as a potentially great addition to our group."

    She gets to her feet, picking up the case and walking forward, placing it on the table in the middle of the room and opening it slowly. Akko looks on as she reveals the briefcase to be filled with marks. She turns back to him.

    "My boss really wants you," she continues, "he'll pay you more for one day of work than you can make fighting in some tournament. Think of this as incentive."

    Akko nods his head and puts his hand to his chin as if considering, "H'm so what I've got here is some unknown boss sending one of his employees to bribe me with the lure of an easy life. From my perspective, your boss assumes I'm going to see a briefcase full of money and a beautiful woman and hop on whatever job he's offering just like any other sensible person out there right?"

    The woman remains thin lipped, so Akko continues "What your boss doesn't understand is that I don't do this because I have to—well no yes I kind of do otherwise I'm broke, but I enjoy what I do, I love it. And for your boss to even think I would dream of leaving this he must be quite a fool to—

    "Don't you dare disrespect him!" small wisps of fire twirl around her hands, "Our Organization is bigger than some damned pro fighting!"

    Akko's eyes turn to slits, "So that's what this is about then."

    She lets out a sigh, "Yes, the Aduri Syndicate. We want you in our Org."

    Akko gets to his feet, walking to the door and pulling it open, "I think you need to leave ma'am."

    She takes the briefcase and walks through the door, but as she does, Akko tugs at the case.

    "Hold on," he says, "This was incentive to help me make my decision right? I said I loved what I did; I never said I would turn down free money."

    She moves to hand over the money, "Hopefully your decision can be—

    "I'm kidding, like I would accept your dirty money; get the hell out."

    The woman, now highly annoyed, throws the briefcase at Akko who ducks; the briefcase hitting the opposite wall and sending the money flying around the room. He turns back to the door, but the woman is gone. Just as he goes to lie on the couch, the door opens once more.

    "Hey who was that red he-holy hell—your room is full of money," Ulrich walks into the room, "My mind is running a million different explanations for this money and that woman, and none of them are proper. Tell me one of those million is correct?"

    "Your dirty mind wouldn't know the half of what just happened," Akko says as he stretches, "I need to get some sleep. You ready to head home?"

    The brothers depart the arena; upon exiting they hear a commotion around the corner and notice some ways off that a large crowd is at the front holding signs and yelling things that the two couldn't reasonably hear from their distance.

    "Looks like a strike," Ulrich notes

    "The cleaning crew was bound to get fed up at some point," Akko says

    He turns back to the car, catching a glimpse of red from a passing car.

    As they get into their own car, Ulrich asks "But seriously what happened?"

    "Nothing."

    The following day at the arena, Akko runs into a familiar janitor cleaning the floor.

    "Good luck on that strike?" he says friendlily as he passes

    The janitor is left confused as Akko continues on. Turning onto a side corridor to his room, he runs into Pietro and Zephyr coming back from sparring. Both men sweaty and bare chested, but not too worried about either to not stop and talk. Pietro pulls against the towel hanging around his neck.

    "Akko, heard about the riots last night?"

    "Riots? No, what happened?"

    Zephyr speaks, "There were a few here and there, not too far from each other for the most part. The thing that's interesting is that at each scene, the next morning they found either dead or dying visarts."

    "Was probably some big Org battle with the riot as a cover," Pietro adds, "They've done things like this before."

    "There you are."

    Akko turns around as Ulrich comes around the corner and extends a letter to his brother, "Found this in my room, but it was addressed to you, didn't read it though."

    Akko opens the letter, finding the words "First Him, then You" scrawled on it.

    "What is it?" Zephyr asks

    Akko shakes his head and starts to put it in his pocket, but Pietro quickly swipes it away and reads it, looking back at Akko with that of suspicion.

    "What is this?"

    Akko shrugs, "I dunno, just some crazy hate mail."

    Zephyr glances at the note in Pietro's hand and shakes his head, "No, this isn't some hate mail; it's too direct. It's more of a threat."

    "From who," Ulrich asks

    "I saw your movement," Pietro says of Akko, "the slight movement in your eyes. Don't think me a fool. You know who this came from, all I want to know is why so secretive about it?"

    Akko sighs, "I was visited by an Aduri yesterday," at the outcry, "Look; I turned them down."

    "So now they sent you a message: They'll kill him, then you." Zephyr notes solemnly, referring to Ulrich

    "They'd be pretty dumb to try and take on two of the best fighters in the country" Ulrich says

    Akko smirks "Don't overhype yourself there Ulrich, you've still got to win your first tournament-speaking of which, don't you three have matches today."

    "Trying and failing to change the subject," Zephyr says

    Akko, "No, I just am not too keen on standing here much longer with the fruits of your training in the air."

    "Fair enough," Zephyr, "But we'll discuss this later."

    "I'll catch up in a sec," Pietro says

    Ulrich and Zephyr depart, leaving Akko and Pietro in the hallway. Pietro looks Akko over, the two stand in silence.

    "What you did at first, where you were about to tuck the paper away." Pietro says finally, a grin palying on his face "What were you thinking of doing after that; walk right up to the Aduri and demand they leave you be, or else?"

    Akko does not smile, "That's my plan exactly."

    -----------------------------------------

    Mana: [mon-na], this is the main energy source of all life

    Life Essence: usually shortened to Essex [s-sex], it means core energy, spirit energy, increases power far more than normal mana energy, but the use of this is the use of your very life. Deplete your life essence and you die

    Visart: [vis-sert], element wielding beings with combat ability

    Organizations: Orgs; the grouping of different Family Houses of the same element base to form a co-op group, normally for the purpose of criminal activities

    The Aduri Syndicate [Fire]: the Aduri have always been a coherent unit, being the only Elementist clan to never have the ever constant internal wars for power, has left them the only stable force. The only thing the Syndicate is concerned about is controlling the city, and doing whatever it takes to achieve that.
     
         

  2. #2
    Tsūki's Avatar
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    Re: AlterOne Chapter 1

    Nice job I liked it :D ... I will read chapter 2
     
         

  3. #3
    I am an amazing Friend Yuka's Avatar
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    Re: AlterOne Chapter 1

    I loved it, Nicely written
     
         

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    Re: AlterOne Chapter 1

    Nice, glad you like it. Though the original idea was to do this as a comic, I think I can capture that same audience this way.
     
         

  5. #5
    Philosopher of Myth Vinnie's Avatar
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    Re: AlterOne Chapter 1

    Okay a few questions... Okay but first this is great, it has a very nice start, an interesting prelude, you obviously know how to find areas in which to foreshadow, while a great writer and a great writing come from writing the whole thing through then rewriting with small filler sections and foreshadowing sections this is a great start, a great first level draft and you've already plotted out some future events in this prelude, I'm guessing dream sequence? I like it.

    Questions:
    1: Is the main character Akko aware of the prelude or is it a future shot to pull the reader in? (Also I like the name of the main character, it's good, it has that sharp sound in the middle that makes two syllable names stick out to readers. You’re also using other distinct and easy to remember names. That's good.)
    2: What elements are you using and what other sub elements if any are you dividing into the elements you have, I assume you’re at least using the four Material elements Earth, Fire, Air/Wind, Water... IE: Does lightning fall under Fire, Air/Wind, or Water or is it by itself an element or is it not an element at all, and the same with Ice, Sound, Light, Dark, Life, Death, and Illusion or others; Are the Elements, Sub Elements, or Not any kind of element at all.
    3: Similar to Question two: You mentioned Magic Users in our private messages; What types of Magic are you using; are you dividing them into groups, if so how many different types of magic will you use and how many will a single person be able to use, or if you’re not dividing them will everyone be able to use every type of magic in general if so will people have different strengths in different areas.
    4: Will your elementists be able to use more than one element, will there be fusion elements, if so will fusion element users only be able to use a that fusion or will they be able to use one element and the fusion or both fusion components and the fusion, if so or if not will there be noticeably higher levels of different elements or specialized techniques, if so will they be unique to specific users, or will anyone be able to learn any technique or any level.
    5: How rare is it to be an elementist or a magician, is it common or uncommon, can anyone or everyone do it, are you born with it, or is it something you can learn, is it passed down genetically. Is one rarer than the other, are different element affinities rarer than others, or different forms of magic if there are different forms.
    6: Will different areas or different environments affect the abilities of different elementists or different magicians, or can it shut down a person’s powers all together, IE: Can Fire Elementists use fire underwater. Are there any other weaknesses that particulate to Elementists or Magicians in that other people don’t have?
    7: Are there any other Fantasy elements you plan on adding into your story other than Elements or Magic. Creatures, Magic Objects, Magical Places.
    8: What is your main villain’s mental fix, your hero’s outlook is the proud, serious, slightly arrogant hometown prodigy with great leaning abnormal skill. In most cases the best fit for this hero is a completely logical villain in an adventure or the incredibly greedy villain in a sport/fight corruption story. What are you going to use, do you know.
    9: Will you story take place in the current place it is now and will it be a sport/fight corruption story or an adventure where the character and his friends go out to save someone or go out to defeat the villain and seek vengeance.
    10: What Technological Age is this set in… they obviously have cars and organized sports… so I’m guessing 1920’s – 1940’s

    Critique:
    Your characters are simple yet captivating so far, your story and plot are good so far and could be up for debate in the future depending how your main character’s life plays out. But you seem to have a good handle on them and I’m sure you can handle it so long as you write in a good pattern.
    Remember to write out your ending before you fill in the middle otherwise you’ll restrict yourself to much in plot and the story won’t be the quality you want it to be… it’s easier to mark your path if you now where the entrance and the exit are before walking down the road… all writers make this mistake in not fully planning the final ending before starting the interlude, and remember you can stretch the middle as far as you want with random events that delay the main story in order to fill in plot holes, an incomplete story can be bad as well as an unplanned one.
    Your only really weakness is IMAGERY, make sure when you rewrite and redraft this to describe your characters and their expressions and their major defining features… We know more about how the minor flame haired character looks than we do the main character does or his friends… and you don’t have to do every single character in the room but even describing meaningless side characters gives your story depth, like when you talked about Akko’s fans don’t describe all of them but just describe the one at the head of the crowd just two random features to a character you’ll never see again is a little extra easy writing off the top of your head for a whole world of depth added to the story that pulls the reader deeper and deeper into your story. Also restate characters more potent features, give every main character at least one distinguishing feature and every now and again add it into the text randomly. Instead of for example “Zephyr accidently bumped into a lamppost.” Write “Zephyr bumped his obscenely long nose on a lamppost not paying attention to where he was going. His nose now had a large red mark on it making it look even more ridiculous.” See the difference. You don’t have to use this example but something simple like this keeps the reader pulled in, especially use things like this when the mood of a story is about to change or when you feel it might be getting long and dry for the reader, read it aloud to yourself to get the best feel.
    Oh and try to stay away from phrases like pro-fighting and water whip unless it’s few and far between, it hints on the edge of Avatar: Last Air Bender, and plagiarism thoughts aren’t fun especially if not true.
    I Hope This Helps You in Your Future Writings And I Hope to Read More of AlterOne.
     
         

  6. #6
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    Re: AlterOne Chapter 1

    1: Is the main character Akko aware of the prelude or is it a future shot to pull the reader in?
    -I can’t really answer that question fully, as that beginning is a lead-in to the next book. But I Akko is seeing these flashes, and yes many of which, he cannot possibly have known about.

    2: What elements are you using and what other sub elements if any are you dividing into the elements you have, I assume you’re at least using the four Material elements Earth, Fire, Air/Wind, Water... IE: Does lightning fall under Fire, Air/Wind, or Water or is it by itself an element or is it not an element at all, and the same with Ice, Sound, Light, Dark, Life, Death, and Illusion or others; Are the Elements, Sub Elements, or Not any kind of element at all.
    -Correct about the main elements. There are those main elements, and you can expect all of the sub elements that you named, though the Life/Death users are a rarity. Lightning falls de jure under the Nation of Air, as does Light, Sound, Dark; I say de jure, because I’ve already thought up the story that predates the current modern time one, and in that, the Land of Lightning is a sub-kingdom in the nation due to believing they are more powerful than the more numerous ruling Air visarts. That animosity towards the Air visarts is why in the Alter One, there is the Air visart Organization ‘Black Falcons’ and the splinter group ‘Lightning Faction Falcons’.

    3: Similar to Question two: You mentioned Magic Users in our private messages; What types of Magic are you using; are you dividing them into groups, if so how many different types of magic will you use and how many will a single person be able to use, or if you’re not dividing them will everyone be able to use every type of magic in general if so will people have different strengths in different areas.
    -Right now, this story is focusing on the elemental visart perspective mostly. I do have plans for a more detailed stand-alone story about the Veldt and other magikos (magic users). There are certain things that are specific to the way a magiko uses their mana, the amount they have, as well as their skill level; so not everyone can do the same things but generally there is a common style seeing as all Veldt are learned from the same place.

    4: Will your elementists be able to use more than one element, will there be fusion elements, if so will fusion element users only be able to use a that fusion or will they be able to use one element and the fusion or both fusion components and the fusion, if so or if not will there be noticeably higher levels of different elements or specialized techniques, if so will they be unique to specific users, or will anyone be able to learn any technique or any level.
    -Visarts are limited to their base element, that being said, if you’re a water visart and you try to perform ice maneuvers, your ice attacks will not be as powerful as a pure ice visart. Your question about combined elements will be answered in time in the story, but as far as base element powers, that is variable. A water visart for example is an impure user, they have the ability of ice, snow, etc, but it is not as powerful as a pure user, while their main power is normal level, their sub-powers are not. The same for Fire users with smoke and ash.

    5: How rare is it to be an elementist or a magician, is it common or uncommon, can anyone or everyone do it, are you born with it, or is it something you can learn, is it passed down genetically. Is one rarer than the other, are different element affinities rarer than others, or different forms of magic if there are different forms.
    -Being an element user is pretty common, though being a GOOD element user is where the difference comes. Everyone person born of elemental blood, has some manner of their parents element, if they hone that skill, do not, or are just physically incapable of mastering it, then that is the difference maker. I have not added this note yet but I will soon, but not everyone currently in Alter City or on the island continent, is an element user. There are people from across the ocean, the technological country of Imron for instance, who have taken up most political positions throughout the nation, and who make up much of the police force in Alter City. In fact, the ruling King of Alter City and most of the council are Imri, not elementists.

    6: Will different areas or different environments affect the abilities of different elementists or different magicians, or can it shut down a person’s powers all together, IE: Can Fire Elementists use fire underwater. Are there any other weaknesses that particulate to Elementists or Magicians in that other people don’t have?
    -Every element has abilities that can overtake another element user, so in that sense, if a fight was done a certain way; anyone could JUST ABOUT defeat anyone, adding into effect variables that may occur. Magikos have ways of decreasing the power of visarts but they all center around containment, there is no real way of say, a normal magiko to absorb their power, or shut them down. There are limitations for every element, such as Fire visarts not being able to use Fire under water, though that excludes Lava visarts, b/c lava can start flowing from underwater. Every limitation of stretching thereof will be explained in the story. That being said, magikos are restricted but not limited to the use of their wands as their power’s exit point. They, unlike the elemental users, cannot expel energy evenly through their body alone. If a magiko was without a wand, and cast even a spell (less powerful than a curse, more than a hex), they would not be able to control how much they let out. Think of it as a death curse taking 35-65% of the average magiko’s mana when using a wand, thus, they cannot just send it flying and kill anyone at will for fear of being seriously weakened. If they did that without a wand, they’d be calling upon their own life essence (essex) unknowingly and without a doubt, die themselves. So the wands act as a director, their energy is channeled through their body and to their extended hand and hopefully they have a proper wand because if not, it will break as the mana flows through it.

    7: Are there any other Fantasy elements you plan on adding into your story other than Elements or Magic. Creatures, Magic Objects, Magical Places.
    -Yes and no. Again, this is mainly the elemental side of things at the current time but the magical entities and objects I’ve planned are in this story, and in the case of the objects, I will focus more on them in the prequel before the unified one-nation, but they will play a part in this modern era.

    8: What is your main villain’s mental fix, your hero’s outlook is the proud, serious, slightly arrogant hometown prodigy with great leaning abnormal skill. In most cases the best fit for this hero is a completely logical villain in an adventure or the incredibly greedy villain in a sport/fight corruption story. What are you going to use, do you know.
    -My thoughts did not really focus on his sporting side much of any as that was just to explain his friends and his skill, though that is not to say I have forgotten that he is a professional sports figure and that will play a role in the story as well. Putting a central villain on my story is not something I can do as there are many players that are at work and will all have a role in the book, interacting with each other and not cooperatively I might add, so as I reveal more characters, you can make a greater assessment yourself on them, while I am trying to make my characters more human in the sense that I want everything to be rational and not for story’s sake.

    9: Will you story take place in the current place it is now and will it be a sport/fight corruption story or an adventure where the character and his friends go out to save someone or go out to defeat the villain and seek vengeance.
    -That’s telling too much of the story haha, but most of the action for the first few ‘arcs’ will take place in Alter City but there will be some segments in other places in Mentia.

    10: What Technological Age is this set in… they obviously have cars and organized sports… so I’m guessing 1920’s – 1940’s.
    -Right my good sir. It’s DieselPunk; not futuristic but modernistic. Though some things are not so diesel, like color movies, canned soda, small things. But the environment is dieselpunk.

    Thanks for the detailed analysis. I've been looking for that for quite some time.
     
         

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