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  1. #1
    Sekirei 107 Bright Shadow's Avatar
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    While you where reading this, I slipped into your house. And then into your mom. .
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    I am the rage created by you,
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    you, I am the HATE that HATE
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    Proloauge for a zombie book Im working on...

    Author- Hassan McCullough & Barkhem Cann

    I can't belive this had all happened in a single day, without warning, and here, of all places, in a such short time? I watched my friends die, come back to life, just kill some more. The dead, yes, the dead, got there skin peeling, flesh tearing, death smelling behinds up, and began to feast on brains and juggular veins as if invited to a free buffet. To top it off, I stood their, and bashed in the skulls of my wellspring, and my own kin... Everything I had ever had or loved was lost. All, all of but 5 friends who kept one another breathing. Adlai, jermaine, barkhem, Isaiah, and cyani. It was coincedentaly us, i guess, because luck was on our side. But as a living whitness to all of this terror, It was far from "luck". I wishh I could take it all back, maybe wake up one day to my mothers violent morning wake ups. But I couldin't have that luxery anymore. Everything that I could ever want, was out there for the taking. But everything I needed, perished, before I could manage a single blink.....

    So what do you think about it? its the opening to my book "Death in brooklyn". I might change the name though, if my partner thinks of a better tittle.
     
         
    Last edited by Bright Shadow; 09-18-2012 at 07:45 PM.

  2. #2
    |̲̅̅●̲(ℭℌґїs ℬґøẘη)●̲̅̅| Confucius's Avatar
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    Re: Proloauge for a zombie book Im working on...

    Its very decent and well written. Good luck with upcoming chapters.
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: Proloauge for a zombie book Im working on...

     
         

  4. #4
    Otogakure Ero-Sennin's Avatar
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    ............
     

    Re: Proloauge for a zombie book Im working on...

    Dude I love it keep submitting more please this is great
     
         

  5. #5
    Member iCuRiddY's Avatar
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    Re: Proloauge for a zombie book Im working on...

    It has potential, it need a good proof read. So that your sentences and thoughts come together more fluently. However, its attention grabbing which is key in the beginning of a good book. Keep it up I would like to see more of this book.
     
         

  6. #6
    Senior Member Itachi Edo's Avatar
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    Delivering Divine Justice
     

    Re: Proloauge for a zombie book Im working on...

    Grabs the attention off the bat which is always nice. If you're looking for feedback on how to improve I'll give you some.

    I know it's just a prologue, but the wording and the detail need to be looked at. You leave quite a bit up to the reader to use their imagination on which is always nice, since some aspiring writers tend to be overly detailed, but there's still a bit left to be desired in that regard. Try going back and giving some better emotional descriptions and paint a better picture.

    Think of it like this. What do these zombies look like to someone who has never seen a zombie before. Is their skin rotten? Is it badly colored? Are there traces of blood around the mouth or discolored blood underneath the peeling skin? What does the smelly zombie smell like and how foul does it smell? What do the teeth look like or are they missing teeth? Where is the protagonist of the story at during the prologue?

    Aside from the grammar(tense issues, spelling, and ect) you're off to a decent start. Just remember writing a story is like baking a cake. You want to put all your ingredients in the pan and cook it(your story written) and let it bake (sit on it and reflect but don't edit only take notes) and then after it cools off apply your icing (after you've stepped away from it and gotten feedback on the actual story go back apply your feedback, your notes, and then edit as you read)
     
         

  7. #7
    Writer Xanthacl's Avatar
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    Re: Proloauge for a zombie book Im working on...

    I liked it, one thing a book needs to do for me, is allow me to see and I saw, the description was great. So was the dark depression but I thought there should have been a bit more contained panic you know,there are zombies out there waiting to kill you and your five friends. I saw some spelling errors but that's never a problem, for microsoft or even another human to handle. I also was thinking that maybe you could use your sentences to portray emotion, Short sentences sometimes with the simplest words can make someone understand just how bad or frightening the situation is, Never get caught up with run on sentences. Other than that I must say the idea is good. Keep writing!
     
         

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