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  1. #1
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    Chapter 10 is finally here. It took a while because I've been busy with school lately, and then I got sick. So now this chapter has finally arrived. For S.Train/Reborn: I know TOC isn't on that much, but if one of you two read this, will you pull a TOC and post a wall of text? I hope you enjoy this chapter though! ^^ I promise Chapter 11 will have less dialogue. :y

    Oh, and this isn't a fighting chapter. All the chapters can't have fighting in them. It has a bit more dialogue than I wanted, but I think I did a pretty good job with this chapter. I had to look back on previous chapters for it, so I wouldn't confuse people! Oh, and this is in Kota's point of view again. Don't want anybody to get confused with the point of view. Oh, and this chapter was shorter than I thought it was.

    Previous Chapters:


    Fate or Hope

    Chapter 10

    'Tatsuki decides the fate of the world? That can't be possible. He's evil, meaning that the world would be...'

    “The evil must be stopped before it's too late...” the girl said before she fell on the ground.

    “Hey! What's wrong?” he exclaimed as he ran over to the girl.

    He knelt next to her, and looked for any wounds. She could be anemic, but he didn't want to risk moving her. Her face did look a little bit pale. If she had a head injury, then moving her could put her in danger. He couldn't see any sign of cuts or bruises, and there didn't appear to be any signs of blood. “I don't have the time to watch over her, but what she said,” he stopped in the middle of his sentence. He remembered the girl said the mask decided the fate of the world, but he couldn't recall what else she said. That wasn't the time to forget such valuable information! 'If only I was paying closer attention to what she was saying.' That girl just had to show up at such a critical time! Now he couldn't search for Mavi because he couldn't leave the girl there. He was ready to die for her, as long as she returned to being herself. Tatsuki was the cause of everything. Someone like him couldn't decide the fate of the world!

    He heard a mumble, but just barely. He looked over to the girl, and her eyes were starting to open. “You're awake. You worried me, passing out like that. I kind of forgot what you told me, so do you mind repeating it? Maybe going into more detail, if possible?”

    The girl looked at him with a confused expression, and then looked around the area. She was on her feet, so maybe she wasn't anemic. Her face was still pale, but it didn't look like she was going to pass out again. Her rose eyes then fell on him, and she asked, “Where am I?”

    It felt like his heart has just been thrown into a roaring ocean. She didn't know where she was, even though she came to the school on her own. He looked around, and didn't see anyone else around the school. If she didn't know where she was, then she might have forgotten what she said. 'Oh please, tell me you remember what you told me!'

    “Well, you're at Mifugi High School. I ran out here, and I saw you just standing here. You even started a conversation with me. Don't you remember?” he asked softly, even though he wanted to scream inside.

    She shook her head no. “I don't remember. Why would I be at the high school? The last thing I remember was my teacher telling me that it's too dangerous to stay outside for long.”

    That was important information, and he lost it! He wasn't cut out to be on his own against someone like Tatsuki. He couldn't tell his parents about Eita, because they wouldn't believe him. No one would believe a teenager if they said their sister was evil. “Hey, um...” He didn't know her name.

    “Koyuki,” she said silently.

    “Koyuki, would you like to come to my house?” he asked softly. After everything that happened with her, he had to keep her in sight. Her memory could come back without warning.

    “No. I have to get back home. Not to mention, you’re a stranger…” she whispered.

    “You told a stranger your name, Koyuki,” he laughed. “You know I’m not a bad person. I could have left you unconscious on the ground here, or I could have kidnapped you easily. I didn’t do that, though. You can trust me, Koyuki.”

    “That's true, but I still can't trust you! You could have me here,” she was on the brink of tears. “I want to go home!”

    He couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Not only did she have amnesia of what happened, but she was thrown into the middle of a terror zone. Everyone was thrown into the terror zone because of the destruction of the government building. Tatsuki said he wanted to change the world, but he thrown everyone into a state of fear! No matter the reason for his actions, he couldn't be forgiven!

    “I'm going home!” the girl yelled as she began to run away.

    He watched her running away in a daze. He wanted to chase after her, but she was only a little girl. It would have been better for her if she lived her life normally, instead of fighting at such a young age. If she wasn't in elementary school, then he probably would have followed her.

    He only had one logical option, and that was to go home. Looking around for Tatsuki without any clues wouldn't accomplish anything. Going home wouldn't accomplish much either, but he could look up information online. His parents were probably worried sick, too.

    He looked up at the sky, which was sunny earlier, but was cloudy and gloomy outside. It was like the weather was adjusting to the situation. The happiness of the morning, but the sadness of someone important missing. 'Wait for me, Mavi. I'm going to save you sooner or later!' The thought of Mavi changed the pace he was going. He went from walking to quick walking, and before he knew it he was running. He usually would never run in public since running usually attracted attention, but there was literally no one outside.

    He felt a rain drop as soon as he entered the front yard of his house. The grass was fairly cut, and there were different color variety of roses around the house. The house was made from red bricks who knew when, but it was still in good shape on the outside. They had the gray roof replaced about a year ago, since there were too many leaks. His parents didn't make much money from their jobs, so they picked the house because it was cheap.

    He opened the door, and as soon as he walked in, he felt wood snap, and part of his right foot was in the floor. The floorboards were starting to rot and break, but they couldn't afford to get the whole house fixed, nor could they afford to move out. He slowly pulled his foot out of the floor, and stepped to the side. The most annoying thing was that the floorboards were so old that every step could be heard throughout the house. He heard the sound of different tones of steps, and then his parents were in the hallway.

    “Kota, there you are! We were worried sick about you!” his Mom cried. “Why didn't you come home right away? The whole town knows that it's too dangerous to be outside! We don't know what could happen if we go outside.”

    “It's okay. I stayed after school to do some research on my homework assignment. Even with everything that happened I still have homework. I haven't heard anything about school yet, so I might still have school tomorrow,” he lied. He didn't want to lie to his parents, but he had no other option. He couldn't tell them about Tatsuki, and the fact that he kidnapped Mavi.

    “You could have called us from the school phone if you were doing that! Especially since it's been hours since school ended! Your sister didn't even come back home! Don't make us worry more than we have to. You have a computer in your room, so you could have done your research in there. Think about what your actions can cause to others! We did not raise you to be like this, Kota!” his Dad yelled harshly.

    He flinched as his Dad yelled at him, but he didn't back away. His Dad was always harsh on him and Eita, but it was his way of showing them that he cared about them. Eita was most likely with Tatsuki and Mavi, but if he told his parents he didn't know how they would react. His Mom might have asked questions, while his Dad would have most likely yelled at him. “I'm sorry. I'll try to think more about what my actions can cause. I still have some research to do, so I'm going to head to my room.” He walked away, and heard a creaking sound with every step he took, especially while going up the stairs.

    “We're not done talking to you, young man! Yelling at you obviously won't teach you a lesson!” his Dad exclaimed.

    “Yelling at me usually tells me not to do it again! If anything, maybe you should save your voice for Eita. No matter how many times you yell at her she never listens. Maybe you should think of a lesson for her instead of me! You may want to talk, but I'm done talking,” he said while holding in the anger that he felt towards his parents. They were easier on Eita because she was a girl. She used that to her advantage, while he could barely argue his way out of anything he did!

    He entered his room, which didn't have much in it. All he asked for was a bed, a dresser, and a desk with a laptop. That's all his room needed, and it hopefully wouldn't go through the floor like his foot did. He took a seat at the desk, and turned the laptop on. He hasn't been with Mavi long, but it seemed like Tatsuki tried to avoid harming her with his attacks. Tatsuki even kicked him away from Mavi while she was crying. He said he was there when Mavi was a kid, so something happened then. Her crying fits started when she was a kid too. 'Did Tatsuki cause the crying fits? If so, how is he related to Mavi? She doesn't seem to know who he is, but could he be someone she knew? During the last encounter with Tatsuki, Mavi said that he had a kid die. Tatsuki said that Mavi was running for her life, and he didn't interfere. What happened when she was a kid? Who died, and why was she running for her life?'

    He typed in deaths that happened seven years ago into the laptop, and pressed enter. A lot of results showed up, and there appeared to be over a hundred pages from the search. He clicked on the first link, and it took him to a website with reports of deaths that happened about seven years ago. He looked around the website, but it didn't mention anything about any kids dying. He scrolled down the website, and was about to leave the site until a title caught his attention. One of the titles was labeled, “Children Bathed in Blood.”

    Author's Note:
    K-chan (Koyuki), has been introduced! :overjoy: I have to admit, she is one of my favorite characters in this OF. She doesn't seem like much, yet. Yet again, comment, and criticize so I can get better at writing. ^^
     
         

  2. #2
    I can see the Future! Funny's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    Excellent Bro! rep+
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    As an enemy should I comment on this? If so:
    I hated it! It sucked so bad I think I went blind from reading it.

    However of not:
    I loved it great chapter my friend. You got me thinking with all those questions.....good good I like that anyway great job my friend.
     
         

  4. #4
    Senior Member Chakra Wizard's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    Great job, Netsui:D Can't wait for next one. It's getting rather interesting
     
         

  5. #5
    I am an amazing Friend Yuka's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    it was a truly amazing chapter, Great-work
     
         

  6. #6
    Rikudo Sennin ~Uzumaki~'s Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    Great chap. Sorry I'm late its just that...well...I'm lazy but I'm glad I took the time to read this. Great chap.
     
         

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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    wow o_o after reading this chapter I feel like having a great number of similarities with Kota... after reading all these chapters, I think he became my favorite character in this OF :D

    About Koyuki: I liked the way you introduced her but I think I should read more about her to be able to give my thoughts about her ^^

    Awesome chapter as you've been doing them all the time please tell me whenever a new chapter comes out!
     
         

  8. #8
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    Quote Originally Posted by -Tsuki View Post
    wow o_o after reading this chapter I feel like having a great number of similarities with Kota... after reading all these chapters, I think he became my favorite character in this OF :D

    About Koyuki: I liked the way you introduced her but I think I should read more about her to be able to give my thoughts about her ^^

    Awesome chapter as you've been doing them all the time please tell me whenever a new chapter comes out!
    I'm glad you enjoyed all of these chapters. Koyuki will be back soon. I'll let you know, since Chapter 11 is being close to done.
     
         

  9. #9
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    TOC to the rescue! Ok just funny irony, I have an anemic person in my OF, great minds think alike! D Ok now to serious mode:

    "She could be anemic, but he didn't want to risk moving her. Her face did look a little bit pale." These sentences need to be turned into one. "Her face was a bit pale and due to the fact she could be anemic, he didn't want to risk moving her." No need for short sentences like that when they can be added to the one before.

    "If she had a head injury, then moving her could put her in danger." Not needed, the fact that he doesn't want to risk moving her takes care of this.

    “I don't have the time to watch over her, but what she said,” change the , to a ... it shows a pause due to the person speaking as a - is when the person is cut off from another person. A , just shows words in the middle of a sentence, not as an effective break. Also the speech isn't continued with in that sentence so the comma is incorrect.

    He remembered the girl said the mask decided the fate of the world, but he couldn't recall what else she said. You used the word "said" twice in one sentence, try messing around with the wording such as mentioned, ect.

    That wasn't the time to forget such valuable information! I'm not sure if "That" is an appropriate word to use, maybe now or this?

    She was on her feet, so maybe she wasn't anemic. Her face was still pale, but it didn't look like she was going to pass out again. Ok with this you don't need to mention that she might not be anemic it's not necessary. Also combine these two sentences... She was on her feet, though her face was still pale, but she didn't look as if she were going to pass out. (1st or 2nd she can be replaced by the girls name).

    Her rose eyes then fell on him, and she asked, “Where am I?” lol Her rose colored eyes

    he asked softly, even though he wanted to scream inside. If you choose to use the word inside then say even though he was shouting inside his mind. Though it's easier just to drop it.

    After everything that happened with her, he had to keep her in sight. Her memory could come back without warning. Combine the two and lol all boys think their sister's are evil.

    Ok sorry to cut the editing short, but I think you can use the above as examples. Your repetition is improving but your sentences need to become stronger. Don't be afraid of experimenting with them to make them sound better. Some parts it seemed as if you were thinking too much into things, like with the anemic part. If she's not gushing out blood, then there is no real point of even stating that factor. Like with Elizabeth in my OF it was only mentioned when she got hurt. Less is more some times so keep that thought in mind. Even though I had no clue what was going on, I could see the improvement in your work! :overjoy: I'm so proud! Keep it up! (had to stop before it got too long lol)
     
         

  10. #10
    The Devil's Advocate Shinobi Train's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    Okay, so obviously Fiona beat me to it. Instead of pointing out individual errors, I'm going to talk about something Fi only hinted at. The strength of your sentences overall. You did a lot better with the repetition thing, but there's another issue as well. This is more about the dialogue though...it doesn't seem natural.

    Okay, here's a little trick I use sometimes when I'm struggling with dialogue, but you might want to do this all the time until you get used to it. ^_^ I have to stand up and act it out, or at least I used to, now I can just act it out in my mind. Seriously though. Take a character and become them for a second, then say what they would say.

    Like Kota and his parents...none of that seemed natural at all. I'm not sure how to say it... I'm not real good at explaining this to people, and I guess that's because its not easy to explain. Its also why I wanted you to read Tolkien...but you never finished it, did you...

    Anyway, its a great job, and a lot better...there's just always more to improve. There was still some major repetition though. :o
     
         

  11. #11
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinobi Train View Post
    Okay, so obviously Fiona beat me to it. Instead of pointing out individual errors, I'm going to talk about something Fi only hinted at. The strength of your sentences overall. You did a lot better with the repetition thing, but there's another issue as well. This is more about the dialogue though...it doesn't seem natural.

    Okay, here's a little trick I use sometimes when I'm struggling with dialogue, but you might want to do this all the time until you get used to it. ^_^ I have to stand up and act it out, or at least I used to, now I can just act it out in my mind. Seriously though. Take a character and become them for a second, then say what they would say.

    Like Kota and his parents...none of that seemed natural at all. I'm not sure how to say it... I'm not real good at explaining this to people, and I guess that's because its not easy to explain. Its also why I wanted you to read Tolkien...but you never finished it, did you...

    Anyway, its a great job, and a lot better...there's just always more to improve. There was still some major repetition though. :o
    I only hinted because I was hoping she would respond back so we could discuss it. However she never did. Anyways it's as i told you before Netsui, don't think about it, just write. Don't concentrate on the small things like "what would this person say" just write. Don't think about it as you allow instinct to take a hold of your pen. You know already what the person would say or do as that person is a piece of you. Every writer has pieces of themselves in their writing, so quit thinking too much into things. Instinctive writing is the best! ^_^
     
         

  12. #12
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 10

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    I only hinted because I was hoping she would respond back so we could discuss it. However she never did. Anyways it's as i told you before Netsui, don't think about it, just write. Don't concentrate on the small things like "what would this person say" just write. Don't think about it as you allow instinct to take a hold of your pen. You know already what the person would say or do as that person is a piece of you. Every writer has pieces of themselves in their writing, so quit thinking too much into things. Instinctive writing is the best! ^_^
    Okay. ^^ I'll try it. Instincts, that hopefully shouldn't be too hard.
     
         

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