Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    King Cobra's Avatar
    Status
    King Cobra is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    4,869
    Location
    Viva La Kumo!!!!!!!
    We're here.
     



    The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    Hello NB this is my second FF or OF whatever you wanna call it Idc lol. My other FF Chroncles of Tiquan Conley(COTC) will be on hold for a little while(that's if you're a fan of that) well I have a part just about ready to go just a little tweaking left so that might be out later. :shrug: idk but anyway I'm going to work on this one for a while so yeah COTC is on hold.

    Characters and Prolouge


    Theme Song


    Reggie thinking

    Narrative

    It was a cold night in Gainsville. Reggie and his wife Jessica where sleeping quietly until a loud emergency siren woke them up.

    "Oh my God Reggie wake up?" Jessica screamed, waking Reggie up in the process.

    "The Hell! What's going on? Jessica get James!" Reggie yelled as he put on some jeans. Jessica ran out of the room to get James.

    Reggie took a peek outside the window and he saw tanks were running rampant in the streets crushing every opposing car in it way. People were running around outside some were getting shot by military personal.

    Why are they!? What's going on out there? Why are they shooting innocent peop

    "REGGIE!!" Jessica screamed. Jessica began to have tears fall from her eyes.

    Reggie ran up to comfort her. He then spoke in the softest voice possible.

    "What's wrong baby? Where's James?" He asked.

    Jessica didn't speak for a while she just cried and cried her tears told a story in themselves, but then she finally spoke.

    "He's gone........He's gone. I can't find him anywhere it's like he disappeared."


    "It's ok babe he has to be around here somewhere, did you check the basement?" Reggie asked.

    "No not yet."

    "ok then lets go and check down there."

    The two made their way downstairs. Before making it to the basement the couple here scratching at the door as if somebody was trying to get in. Jessica slowly walked towards the door.

    "Jess don't." Reggie asked.

    "But they.....those people need us. Don't you hear that? There moaning and groaning they sound hurt they need our help!" Jessica protested.

    "Jess, honey I need you to trust me on this one. If they really need help they'll go to the military personal."

    Jessica wanted to go and open the door and help those people but at the sametime she wanted to trust her husband he seemed so sincer. For a short moment there was silence between the couple nothing was heard expect the sounds at the door, but then two destinct gun shots ended that silence, and all the sounds at the door.

    "Let's just go downstairs and look for James." Reggie said softly.

    "Ok."

    The couple looked everywhere for their son but couldn't find him. James was no where to be found, he was lost.

    "Dammit!" Reggie yelled has he punched the wall.

    Jessica started crying again. Reggie couldn't stand seeing his wife like this so he cuddle her into his arms and brought her up into the dinning room. Reggie put water on the stove in preparation for making hot tea.

    "We....we need to call the police."

    "I've already tried Jess it seems that the power at the station is down."

    "Shit."

    "I know hun."

    The water in the tea kettle started boiling but before he can pour them some tea there was a loud knock on the door.

    "Holy Shit!" Jessica screamed.

    "Stay back!" Reggie yelled.

    The banging continued, Reggie grabbed a baseball bat just in case he needed it. The banging got louder and louder as Reggie got closer to the door and also got faster and faster! Finally the person at the door yelled "HELP!" Reggie imeaidetly noticed the voice and rushed towards the door with the base ball bat clinced in hand. Reggie open the door and there was his neighbor Derrick wrestling with some pale looking person.

    "Don't just stand there idiot! Do something!" Derrick yelled.

    "What the Hell is that thing ?" Reggie exclaimed.

    Reggie saw that his friend was in trouble and he was able to see more of these pale looking people run towards them, so without thinking Reggie swung his baseball bat at the persons head. Blood splattered all over Derricks face and clouths, while blood just splatter over Reggie's jeans.

    "Get in!" Reggie yelled.

    Derrick crawled in fast. Once inside Reggie slammed the door shut.

    What's going on....Oh my God!? What happened?" Jessica asked.

    "He was attacked....so without thinking I killed the person attacking him." Reggie responded.

    "Thanks Reggie."

    "No problem, why were those people after you anyway?" Reggie asked.

    "Dude those where no people those were like creatures from anothere world." Derrick responded

    "Derrick we have no times for your theories right now! Why where those people attacking you?" Jessica demanded.

    "This isn't one of my theories this is real! Ask your husband he say them! Reggie tell her those weren't people."

    "Ok look to be honest I don't know what I saw it looked like a person and had all of the characteristics of a person except....damn that smell."

    "I feel you man they smelled horrible......Hey where's James?"

    Jessica starting tearing up again.

    "Derrick let me take care of my wife first and then we can go upstairs and talk, speaking of wives where's yours?" Reggie asked.

    "We'll talk upstairs." Derrick said.

    Reggie nodded as Derrick headed for the stairs. Reggie finished making a cups of tea for Jessica and himself. They drank their tea together quietly.

    "Ok babe I'm going upstairs to talk to Derrick. Don't open the door for anybody or anything unless you recognize the voice. Stay away from the windows their dangerous. Also turn the lights off we're gonna need to save all the power we can." Reggie instructed

    "Ok be please hurry I don't like being down here by myself." Jessica said.

    "I know sweety. I'm gonna be quick if anything happens just scream and I'll be right down."

    Reggie then hugged and kissed his wife before making his way upstairs.

    "James is missing." Reggie came straight out with it.

    "Wow well Veronica is too maybe there together?" Derrick was straight up as well.

    "Thats highly doubtful but I hope to God you're right." Reggie said.

    "Before Veronica left she left a note." Derrick said

    "Really? Can I see it?" Asked Reggie

    "Sure here it is." Derrick handed the note to Reggie.

    Dear Derrick my sweet,
    I wish I were with you right now but I have to find a way home......I I have a surprise for you. It's in your third dresser on the right. Look under your jeans. I love you babe...... the end is near.
    Veronica


    How the hell did she Know?

    "Your reaction it was the same as mine." Derrick said.

    Before Reggie could answer glass shatterd down stairs and Jessica screamed loudly.

    "JESS!!!!!!"

    Reggie grabbed his baseball bat and ran downstairs to get his wife. What he saw has like something out of a horror movie. There had to be at least 30 of em, 30 pale stinky people in his house trying to get in his basement. Reggie then hit his boiling point he just went to house on these pale people it was like he lost it. Reggie swung at the head of the first one blood, the blood splatter everywhere. The pale people took notice of Reggie and Derrick and slowly made their way towards them. Reggie bashed his bat in the nest one head and then the next and then the next. Blood was all over Reggies face and clothing but he didnt even notice he was just in kill mode. By time Reggie got to the fiftenth pale person his bat broke. Derick figured they were screwed after that but still continued to follow Reggie.

    "Dammit! Derrick I need to continue for me stab these with the pointed ends I'll be back."

    "Wait don't leave me!"

    Reggie gave Derrick the broken bat and ran upstairs to get something. Derrick did is best to fend off these pale people but after he stabbed them they just kept coming back he was just about to give up.

    "DUCK!" Reggie commanded

    "Whaaaa, OH Shit!" Derrick yelled as he ducked and ran up the stairs.

    There it was Reggie with his crossbow. Just shooting down these people like there were nothing blood was all over Reggie walls. When it came down to the last to Reggie had one arrow left do it was skill shot time. Reggie took a deep breath looked threw the scope and waited.



    "Uh anytime now Reggie." Derrick complained

    "Shut up Derrick."

    "I'm just sayin....."

    "And I'm just sayin you need to shut up or this arrows going up your ass." Reggie threatened.

    Derrick shut up and Reggie went back to his scope concentrating waiting for the perfect shot and then...........BAM he took it the perfect shot he hit one of the pale people in the skull and he fell back onto the one behind him. Reggie booked it for his basement. Reggie ran down the basement stairs and hugged and kissed his wife. They both were crying thing they've lost each other forever.

    "So Reggie what now?" Jessica asked.

    "Yeah man what do we do?" Derrick asked also.

    "We wait....we sleep down here until morning, and then we look for James and I make a very special phone call." Reggie answered.

    -sigh- "What rather hell has the world come to?" Jessica asked.

    "Just like you said hun.....Hell." Reggie replied.


    END


    Authors Notes
    It's my second FF or OF I honestly don't care what you call it anyway I hope you enjoyed it. If ya did well there's more to come.
     
         

  2. #2
    World War Z gas83091's Avatar
    Status
    gas83091 is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    2,452
    Location
    Ground Zero
    How Do You Kill The Undead?
     

    Re: The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    you can't honestly beleive we are gonna real all that
     
         

  3. #3
    Senior Member Unatural's Avatar
    Status
    Unatural is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    1,765
    Location
    Uchiha Hideout
    The DArk Evenger
     

    Re: The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    Gud
     
         

  4. #4
    I am an amazing Friend Yuka's Avatar
    Status
    Yuka is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    6,311
    Location
    United states
    i'm not feeling well
     



    Re: The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    i thought it was a Good Fan-fic Nicely written
     
         

  5. #5
    Zidane Tribal Uxellius's Avatar
    Status
    Uxellius is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    3,466
    Location
    In my hideout planning to kidnap a princess
    This user has no status.
     

    Re: The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    There it was Reggie with his crossbow. Just shooting down these people like there were nothing blood was all over Reggie walls. When it came down to the last to Reggie had one arrow left do it was skill shot time. Reggie took a deep breath looked threw the scope and waited. <== my favourite part
    + rep, Reggie seems a psycho here is he related somehow to Hidan
     
         

  6. #6
    King Cobra's Avatar
    Status
    King Cobra is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    4,869
    Location
    Viva La Kumo!!!!!!!
    We're here.
     



    Re: The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    Quote Originally Posted by gas83091 View Post
    you can't honestly beleive we are gonna real all that
    Actually I do :D
    Quote Originally Posted by Unatrual View Post
    Gud
    Thanks
    Quote Originally Posted by Yuka View Post
    i thought it was a Good Fan-fic Nicely written
    Thanks you
    Quote Originally Posted by Uxellius View Post
    There it was Reggie with his crossbow. Just shooting down these people like there were nothing blood was all over Reggie walls. When it came down to the last to Reggie had one arrow left do it was skill shot time. Reggie took a deep breath looked threw the scope and waited. <== my favourite part
    + rep, Reggie seems a psycho here is he related somehow to Hidan
    Thanks man.
    Hidan? Who's Hidan lol nah he just tends to get violent some times :y
    that's actually one of my favorite parts to :D
     
         

  7. #7
    Member BlackMomba's Avatar
    Status
    BlackMomba is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    195
    I Am The King Of All Snakes
    Now!!!!
     

    Re: The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    WTH Tiquan you didn't even tell em about this wow dude and COTC on hold noooooooooooooooooo

    OT: I enjoyed it it was a amazing story Reggie seems a little on the crazy side.....well he is a former Seal I wonder why he was discharged will that ever be explained?
     
         

  8. #8
    King Cobra's Avatar
    Status
    King Cobra is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    4,869
    Location
    Viva La Kumo!!!!!!!
    We're here.
     



    Re: The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackMomba View Post
    WTH Tiquan you didn't even tell em about this wow dude and COTC on hold noooooooooooooooooo

    OT: I enjoyed it it was a amazing story Reggie seems a little on the crazy side.....well he is a former Seal I wonder why he was discharged will that ever be explained?
    Mayyyyybeeeee just keep reading and find out
     
         

  9. #9
    The Devil's Advocate Shinobi Train's Avatar
    Status
    Shinobi Train is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    6,022
    Location
    Inside your head...
    Smacking b*tch
    nigga's...>.>
     



    Re: The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    Okay...so it would seem that I owe you a critique. I think I read most of this before, but I brushed through it again just to make sure. ^_^

    I like the story points that were hit, and there's still some mystery like what caused the zombies to begin with and stuff like that. I think it's moving way too fast though. I always say that about everyone's story, but that's because it's a major issue. You can never go too slow...DBZ was still going too fast in my opinion.

    There's also lots of repetition, and a lot of that is names too, you should throw in some "he" and "she"; in fact, you really want to avoid using the character's name unless we need to know exactly who's talking or doing whatever. Proof read! I cannot stress that enough. Read it to yourself over and over again out loud, yes, out loud. Not only will that show you where all the errors are, but you'll find your funky sentences too.

    Yes, there are some funky sentences, it's just strange/awkward wording is all. Reading it out loud will identify them for you, then you can practice re-working the sentences and make them stronger. That's the other thing, there really aren't any strong sentences...I don't know how to explain that exactly because I'm still learning about it myself...just keep that rolling around in your mind while you're writing.

    Practice makes perfect.

    Alright, great stuff, keep it up, and I always admire original works...even though I'm not real excited about zombies.
     
         
    Last edited by Shinobi Train; 11-15-2012 at 07:57 PM.

  10. #10
    King Cobra's Avatar
    Status
    King Cobra is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    4,869
    Location
    Viva La Kumo!!!!!!!
    We're here.
     



    Re: The End is Near Chapter 1- Hell.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinobi Train View Post
    Okay...so it would seem that I owe you a critique. I think I read most of this before, but I brushed through it again just to make sure. ^_^

    I like the story points that were hit, and there's still some mystery like what caused the zombies to begin with and stuff like that. I think it's moving way too fast though. I always say that about everyone's story, but that's because it's a major issue. You can never go too slow...DBZ was still going too fast in my opinion.

    There's also lots of repetition, and a lot of that is names too, you should throw in some "he" and "she"; in fact, you really want to avoid using the character's name unless we need to know exactly who's talking or doing whatever. Proof read! I cannot stress that enough. Read it to yourself over and over again out loud, yes, out loud. Not only will that show you where all the errors are, but you'll find your funky sentences too.

    Yes, there are some funky sentences, it's just strange/awkward wording is all. Reading it out loud will identify them for you, then you can practice re-working the sentences and make them stronger. That's the other thing, there really aren't any strong sentences...I don't know how to explain that exactly because I'm still learning about it myself...just keep that rolling around in your mind while you're writing.

    Practice makes perfect.

    Alright, great stuff, keep it up, and I always admire original works...even though I'm not real excited about zombies.
    :y I understans thanks for the critique though it always helps and don't worry I will keep trying to get better.
     
         

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •