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  1. #1
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    I'd like to thank TOC for giving me an idea for the title, and I'd like to thank Germanicus for reviewing the first chapter to let me know it was ready to be released. I'd never be where I'm at right now without the other writers around me. :grouphug: Note: Do not jump to conclusions from this chapter. I actually liked this chapter! :overjoy:

    Forget To Remember

    Chapter 1

    Frey heard the slight sound of footsteps, and slowly got out of bed. The sun was shining brightly through the window, and she yawned. It was too early for anything important, so why were people already up?

    She slowly walked to the curtain, and walked outside. Villagers were gathered at one side of the village, while kids were looking at their parents from behind the curtains. It must have happened again; a villager was killed. So many villagers were killed that she had lost count.

    'It was their fault,' she told herself. They were all convinced that demons were behind the murders, but there was no weird evidence that stood out. They couldn't rule out humans because all wounds could have been done by a mortal.

    “Chief, how long do you intend to stay here!? We have to leave before more of us get killed!” a villager yelled.

    “We will not leave this village!” the Chief exclaimed. “Show me the proof that a demon did this! If the murderer is among us, then moving won't help. Our ancestors would be ashamed if we moved away from our land. They had this problem before, and they managed to handle it. That means we can handle it!”

    The Chief always mentioned their ancestors, but she felt uneasy when he talked about them. Her heart was telling her that the tales were only lies, mainly because there was no record of them.

    “Meow?” she heard from her hut.

    “Kina!” she whispered. She went back in the hut, and handed Kina a slice of bread. She had to keep Kina hidden, it was either that or have Kina killed.

    It was a few months back when she found Kina. While she was walking around the village, she thought she saw something blue move. She was curious, so she ran over to find the blue creature. To her surprise, she found a blue cat limping. She was scared at first, but the cries the demon made was unbearable. She ended up nursing the cat demon, and became attached to it. The green eyes showed no anger, but kindness, so she gave it a chance.

    She knelt down and stroked Kina as she said, “Stay here, Kina. I have to see what we're going to do now.”

    She quickly took her nightgown off, and changed into her black T-shirt, and purple shorts. She then ran out of her hut, and was heading toward the villagers, until she felt a hand drag her back.

    “What do we have here?” someone said in a laughing tone, and had her trapped in their grasp. She felt hands around her wrists, and they had a tight grip. She looked at the villagers, who were staring at her with terrified expressions. Was she in a demon's grasp?

    “No resistance, not even a complaint?” the person behind her said. “Looks like humans really are selfish. They don't even try to rescue this little girl.”

    She felt a warm hand travel down her short, dark purple hair. When the hand reached the bottom of her neck, the arm quickly went around her neck. She waited for the choking to start, but the arm didn't block off her breathing.

    “Wait!” the Chief exclaimed. “As the Chief of our village, I would like to negotiate with the demons.”

    There was a moment of silence, and she thought that the demon would accept. However, the arm suddenly tightened around her neck. She coughed from the lack of air, then the arm suddenly loosened a bit. Was the demon planning on killing her?

    “How dare you try to deceive us,” the demon said with anger in his voice. “Watch as I kill this girl!”

    The village quickly started to disappear. It was being devoured by darkness, and she felt weaker as the darkness increased. It felt like something was slowly being ripped out of her; felt like she was losing herself.

    She suddenly felt like she was underwater; falling deeper into the depths. She couldn't breath, and it felt like she was falling into a deep slumber. Was death waiting for her? Was she going to die not knowing anything? She wanted to live; she wanted to remember.

    “-ey!” she faintly heard. “Frey!”

    The darkness quickly vanished, and the village was back. She was about to fall down, but she felt a soft hand drag her away. Her vision was blurry, most likely from whatever just happened.

    She looked back to see if she could see the demon, but she couldn't identify anything. She thought she saw black, but it was hard to tell with her vision.

    “You interrupted my meal, and you're only a kid. You got guts, I'll tell you that much,” the demon said softly. “It's not over, girl.”

    She blinked a few times, and her vision was slowly improving. She was able to identify some huts, but whatever she thought she saw was gone. She still felt exhausted; she was surprised she was still conscious. What did that demon do to her? She only heard of demons that caused bloodshed. However, the demon didn't spill blood. They never seen a demon like the one that attacked her. She only knew of a few demons, but none of them was like the one that ran away. The demons lived longer, so they knew a lot about humans. They knew when to attack them, and knew their weaknesses. Humans, on the other hand, were short lived. They didn't have any accurate information on demons. How could they fight against something they knew nothing about?

    Her legs finally gave out, and she fell into the arms of the kid who saved her.

    “Frey? Are you okay?” the kid asked her.

    Akito, nicknamed Aki, was the only friend she had. He accepted her, and never cared about her forgotten past. Everyone else acted nervous around her, so she was usually on her own. She didn't mind though, since she had Aki.

    His yellow eyes looked like they were shining, probably from the water that was running down his face. His blue hair that barely touched his neck was like the mighty ocean: strong and pure.

    “I'm okay,” she said softly, hoping she spoke the truth. Her body felt so weak; she couldn't move anything. She wanted to sleep, but Aki was constantly shaking her.

    She was too tired, even Aki couldn't keep her up for long. She felt her orange eyes fighting to stay open, but the darkness was tempting. She never had such a temptation to sleep before, but she feared that she would never wake up. She heard Aki screaming, and it felt like a wave of pain inside her. She wanted her friend to be happy, but if she died he would become sad. There wasn't anything she could do to help him, either.

    Her eyes lost the battle, and she fell into the darkness.

    Author's Note:
    I'm still working on Fate or Hope, but the urge to write this was just too strong. I'll be swapping back and forth between the OFs. Please comment, and point out any mistakes that you may see.
     
         

  2. #2
    King Cobra's Avatar
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    First!!!!

    Ok now enemy cobra on this one at all

    Thus was simply amazing Netsui Amazing I loved it and I believe you went all out on it :zonder: good girl that's the kind of writing I like because I'm goin all out to we shall see who wins. Btw did I mention how amazing this was because it is.
     
         
    Last edited by King Cobra; 10-25-2012 at 04:33 AM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Germanicus's Avatar
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Cobra73 View Post
    First!!!!
    Haha, nope. You're second. I got it first.
     
         

  4. #4
    King Cobra's Avatar
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Germanicus View Post
    Haha, nope. You're second. I got it first.
    First to comment lol :P
     
         

  5. #5
    The Devil's Advocate Shinobi Train's Avatar
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    Germanicus reviewed it?! :crazy: Good choice...his shit is shittier than mine. Great stuff, I should really give you a proper crit sometime soon. ^_^
     
         

  6. #6
    Rikudo Sennin ~Uzumaki~'s Avatar
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    The Lord is my light and my
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    the Lord is the strength of my
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    Cool chap. I'm not Reborn or TOC and can't criticise....I could try but then I'd be a hypocrite since my work has many many flaws. Your favorite color is blue isn't it?
     
         

  7. #7
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Uzumaki16 View Post
    Cool chap. I'm not Reborn or TOC and can't criticise....I could try but then I'd be a hypocrite since my work has many many flaws. Your favorite color is blue isn't it?
    Nope. My favorite color is purple. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.
     
         

  8. #8
    Senior Member Chakra Wizard's Avatar
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    Alright, Netsui!:overjoy: Finally got the new OF to us:D Pretty good, can't wait for the next chapter
     
         

  9. #9
    King Cobra's Avatar
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    Nope. My favorite color is purple. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.
    Yeah purple for the WIN!!!!!
     
         

  10. #10
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    Amazing! wease:
     
         

  11. #11
    Tsūki's Avatar
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    Please forgive me for not reading this in time

    I really like the idea of demons, and the way you put it in your story... as if they are in another dimension.
    I suddenly got curious from where you came from cose I had a very similar idea about what a demon is myself :crazy:

    Good job and keep it up ^^
     
         

  12. #12
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: Forget To Remember Chapter 1

    Feels good to read some Fanfiction again.

    Alright, before I begin, I'm not going to point out specifics at this time since I don't have much time, I'm just going to keep it to the general I'll see if you can spot them next time around.

    The protagonist's name is Frey correct? I only see you use her name once in the narration really. You keep using "she" or "her" and as the progresses you lose the reader in terms of who you're speaking of. There's several characters and only two genders to chose from (well technically three lol) so you're going to be using those pronouns a lot, but every now and again you need to mention the character's name to re-establish the link of who you're talking about. I got confused mid-way through the chapter trying to figure out if you were talking about the protagonist or another character. That's one.

    My next point has to deal with presentation of the chapter. You do a good job of breaking up the paragraphs and everything but you could do with a more extensive vocabulary and some more imagery. I'm not saying this to be mean or anything (becaues you know I love you Netsui-hime ) but the way the story was told was somewhat bland. I wasn't really drawn into the story with the way it was told. You seem to just be explaining things and not really describing them. I don't have that vivid picture that brings me in. Especially since this is a fantasy story you should be using some more fantastical imagery to make the story seem like it's in the relm and appeal to the reader's imagination a little more. So what I'm suggesting is wider range of words (you don't have to get real fancy just mix it up a little), go a little heavier on the imagery to capture the reader (you can even do this with basic words just put them together, and use metaphores, personification, slightly more hyperbolic language), and structure your sentences better.

    With Reborn
     
         

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