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  1. #1
    El Gringo Loco The KleaNupGuy's Avatar
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    In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    In a HeartBeat
    Chapter I: Smile



    Bah first day at new school and that too in the final year of middle school. Ridiculous. Why did I have to get transferred?? Why did my dad have to get a new job?? Stupid, complicated adults. Well first days can get long, weird and yes, painful as well, so I kept my fingers crossed as much as I could and let all the good times I had a while back fade. I knew I had to start over and no, I didn’t want to. But I had to do it for my parents.

    But yeah the new school sure seemed all nice and cozy, a gihugic arch, black gates, a couple neat hedges and clusters of buildings painted brown and white( yep whoever painted this place surely must have been colorblind). Well I did manage to find my class without getting lost or kidnapped and took a deep breath and walked in.

    As per protocol every one stared at me as if I just walked right out some random manhole biting at a doughnut. Well I was just glad nobody mocked or started taking notes and stuff as if I were some alien, which was protocol as well. I picked a nice, clean desk at the very back and sat down. Just then a guy from the other end shouted, "Welcome aboard, Barbie!!" and he and his bunch of goons started laughing. True I do like their songs but I've never been a Barbie fan( Mayb I am, but that really isn’t the point here), so I guessed my pink glasses had triggered his epilepsy or something.( yep I have pink glasses, so whut??) they walked up to me and started laser-eyeing me. They guy who made the very funny comment a while ago was giving me the 'I'mGrandSmackDaddyaroundhere' look when I asked him, “What’s itching your wrinkled nose??I wear whatever I want, so you can go jump in a well for all I care". Then came a bunch of oohs and ahhs and clearly the guy seemed ticked. Sure he was a tad bit bigger than me and bulkier, but I could still take him, I was deciding between a standard foot to groin and a sweep when this gihugic friend on his popped out of thin nowhere and made my decision for me. So I backed off and before anything much happened the teach came in and I was left happily ever after at least for the first lesson.

    Well I hardly ever paid any attention at all to the rest of the class during the day, I just kept as composed as I could be. But I hadn’t made even one friend which was highly unlike me, because back in my previous school, I knew all the kids in the entire grade. The lessons seemed to pass by very quickly (like a couple million centuries or so) and finally came lunch.

    Well I was just happily making my way to the cafe,when I bumped into a girl carrying a pile of books and causing her to drop all of them. I was considering walking right past but I found myself piling the books up neatly and handing them to her. I couldn’t really see her face because it was covered by her hair, well I was done with the books so I mouthed a sorry and was just about to disappear, when she pulled her hair back and revealed her face. God, I was stunned, I could have sworn I saw some sort of aura around her, she was glowing. I soon got lost in her face, when I realized I had been staring, so I face palmed and apologized. She smiled meekly, blushed and walked away. But me, I stayed. All of a sudden I had things more important than world domination and lunch to think about, so I remained staring at the wall. And no I have never been into girls, I had much better things to do, but now, I felt strangely attracted to this girl. I tried to clear my head and prepared to walk off back to class when she entered my mind again, so I spent the rest of recess day dreaming.

    Well I came to class late thanks to all my day dreaming and my entire class stared at me as usual so I tried not to look around too much and sat down. Well it was math and yah I can do math, 1+1=2 right? easy peasy. I did try to pay attention (yes to the teacher and not the girl) but unfortunately she seemed to drag me away every time I tried. Well I just sat smiling into space dreaming, when some random guy thought I was smiling at him and looked at me shyly. Another facepalm," Ah hell", completely embarrassed, I looked in the other direction when I saw the same girl from lunch sitting to my left. She gave me that same smile that seemed to slow the world around me and I was hopelessly lost again. Just then the teach shouted, " I can sure arrange a table and a candle light dinner for you two!" she giggled and I at the peak of embarrassment went back to staring at my text with my mind so full of her.

    Well after class I summoned my guts and went up to her and said Hi. She returned it politely and continued packing her bag. I said, " Umm my name's Kaz, whuts yours??"

    " Kaz..I've never heard that name anywhere before. Well I'm Tahlia, nice to meet you."

    " Umm yep I know I hav a very weird name and it sure fits me, me being very weird and girly. Nice to meet you too, Tahlia."
    " Oh no Kaz, I kind of like your name, it’s different. And no you’re not weird...” She smiled leaving me starstruck yet again." well would you like to walk home together?? We live in the same block you know...”

    "Thank you" I felt my cheeks turn warm, but I can’t really blush because I have a deeply colored tan, thank god."We live on the same block?? Looks like I sure know my neighborhood very well, fail."

    She laughed, her hair streaming across her face again as we walked out the gihugic main door.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okiez ppl please please forgive me for the story being a tad bit too long and I know how boring first chapters can get but I really need to hav this kinda introduction. :o And yah I hav no writing experience at all so please dont hate but critique would really be appreciated. I hope I didnt bore yu guys, to death that is :D
     
         
    Last edited by The KleaNupGuy; 11-15-2012 at 08:33 AM.

  2. #2
    Zidane Tribal Uxellius's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    :D I gotta say you've improved it it's better than the prototype :scorps:
     
         

  3. #3
    The Devil's Advocate Shinobi Train's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    You were supposed to send this to me first...-_- lol

    My only major crit right now is that the first person perspective feels more like someone talking to themselves. I also think it's moving way too fast, especially at the end with the girl practically falling for the guy right away. The way they're talking together feels like they've known each other for a long time even though they've just met.

    Anyway, keep it up and work on that dialogue. ^_^
     
         

  4. #4
    Tsūki's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    Bro, what are you talking about?! That was great! :D (>.> <.< reminds me of when I was in school >.<).
    I don't want to sound weird... but it feels like what you wrote there actually happened to you

    Please tell me whenever you write a new chapter ^^
     
         
    Last edited by Tsūki; 11-15-2012 at 10:35 AM.

  5. #5
    El Gringo Loco The KleaNupGuy's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by Uxellius View Post
    :D I gotta say you've improved it it's better than the prototype :scorps:
    Thankiez :o

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinobi Train View Post
    You were supposed to send this to me first...-_- lol

    My only major crit right now is that the first person perspective feels more like someone talking to themselves. I also think it's moving way too fast, especially at the end with the girl practically falling for the guy right away. The way they're talking together feels like they've known each other for a long time even though they've just met.

    Anyway, keep it up and work on that dialogue. ^_^
    I know right -___- I'm sooh dumb, i felt all too woozy this morning I didnt even know whut I wuz thinking but before I even made sense, I had already posted it in :flaw: sorry
    Oh fail, i did notice that cuz erm this is more like a diary than a book :o But I sure will work on it :y Onoz Onoz I know I made it sound all to obvious but she isnt really falling for anybody, if I didnt hav her show even the tiniest bit of interest, the story wudnt really hav any meaning. And besides I didnt wanta bore yu ppl :D Very well tho, all taken into account, it wont happen again, thankiez sooh much ermm Sensei!!! :3

    Quote Originally Posted by -Tsuki View Post
    Bro, what are you talking about?! That was great! :D (>.> <.< reminds me of when I was in school >.<).
    I don't want to sound weird... but it feels like what you wrote there actually happened to you

    Please tell me whenever you write a new chapter ^^
    Really tsukisuke sama?? yu're sooh kind, I'm nevr gonna call yu nee chan again :o Sorry i did tho :D
    I always knew candy man wuz a celebrity girl magnet :yjust kidding
    Umm Umm, well I think yu can read minds, but yep, I'm writing on the things that happened to me :o
     
         
    Last edited by The KleaNupGuy; 11-15-2012 at 12:12 PM.

  6. #6
    Beautifully Broken 0neCrazyAngel's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    my darling little brother
    this is abso-freaking-awesome!!!!!
    i just can feel that warm feeling in my tummy and wish i was ur age again
    but then again, i went to an all-girl school so no interaction with guys my age for me

    anyways, i am so very proud of u!
    keep it up and i cant wait to know what happens next :o
    i u so much my darling brother
     
         
    Last edited by 0neCrazyAngel; 11-16-2012 at 01:01 AM.

  7. #7
    The One with Broken Wings 〜Angel Reborn〜's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    Little bro - this is really good. One of the very BEST fanfics I read here. Im loving the theme and how it is going :D Cant wait for next chapter
     
         

  8. #8
    El Gringo Loco The KleaNupGuy's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by TheGoldAngel View Post
    my darling little brother
    this is abso-freaking-awesome!!!!!
    i just can feel that warm feeling in my tummy and wish i was ur age again
    but then again, i went to an all-girl school so no interaction with guys my age for me

    anyways, i am so very proud of u!
    keep it up and i cant wait to know what happened next :o
    i u so much my darling brother
    Mia nee sama !!!
    aww yu're sooh kind thankiez sooh much for reading all that :o
    Onoz yu still hav the tyme and methinks me am too small for this kinda stuff :o
    Oh i goto a school were the boys and girls are separated so its a no for me as well, but meh, I dont think that stops the guys. Or the girls :D
    Thankiez hecklaods !!!! well I dunno, I really hope I can write anuther chappy :D
    Me heart me Mia sama even more!!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by TheGoldFlash View Post
    Little bro - this is really good. One of the very BEST fanfics I read here. Im loving the theme and how it is going :D Cant wait for next chapter
    Aww yu're wayy to kind for words thankiez sooh much BigB: hug: Me mighty glad yu like it, well I'll try my best to write the next chappy soon :D
     
         

  9. #9
    Awesome Student Urmommah's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    Omg!! That's SOO GOOD!! Dont say ur bad at writing stories cause that would make me super bad. I really liked when you wrote "( yep whoever painted this place surely must have been colorblind)" lol soo funny!! :rofl:
     
         

  10. #10
    Senior Member uzumaki antonia's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    This was absoultly amazing. It wasn't boring at all.
     
         

  11. #11
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by The KleaNupGuy View Post
    I know right -___- I'm sooh dumb, i felt all too woozy this morning I didnt even know whut I wuz thinking but before I even made sense, I had already posted it in :flaw: sorry
    Oh fail, i did notice that cuz erm this is more like a diary than a book :o But I sure will work on it :y Onoz Onoz I know I made it sound all to obvious but she isnt really falling for anybody, if I didnt hav her show even the tiniest bit of interest, the story wudnt really hav any meaning. And besides I didnt wanta bore yu ppl:D Very well tho, all taken into account, it wont happen again, thankiez sooh much ermm Sensei!!! :3
    So what you need here is some confidence too... Just be like "Yeah, man, I just figured I'd post it, yo, that shit was done."



    Now, you don't show even a spark of interest between the two characters until it's 4-5 chapters in at the very least, and then the spark you do show is very minimal. You also keep that worry that the other person doesn't feel the same. On top of that, there needs to be things that interfere along the way, and maybe even make it so that the girl hates the guy at one point.

    I didnt wanta bore yu ppl
    Links to previous chapters at the top.

    http://www.narutobase.net/forums/sho...d.php?t=261695
     
         

  12. #12
    Nyctophiliac Sinfonia's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    its really good, and its not boring at all. keep it up ^_^
     
         

  13. #13
    Spirit Demon SpiritInfinityRoy's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    I like it. Keep up the good work.
     
         

  14. #14
    Ⓟⓔⓞⓟⓛⓔ Ⓢⓤⓚⓚ BlkMagk's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    NiShE :D
     
         

  15. #15
    El Gringo Loco The KleaNupGuy's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by Urmommah View Post
    Omg!! That's SOO GOOD!! Dont say ur bad at writing stories cause that would make me super bad. I really liked when you wrote "( yep whoever painted this place surely must have been colorblind)" lol soo funny!! :rofl:
    aww thankies a lot dude, glad yu noticed :D

    Quote Originally Posted by uzumaki antonia View Post
    This was absoultly amazing. It wasn't boring at all.
    :o Thankiez Toni chan :3 Awfully kind of yu

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinobi Train View Post
    So what you need here is some confidence too... Just be like "Yeah, man, I just figured I'd post it, yo, that shit was done."
    Trololol that is sooh not like me, I cant do that :D


    Now, you don't show even a spark of interest between the two characters until it's 4-5 chapters in at the very least, and then the spark you do show is very minimal. You also keep that worry that the other person doesn't feel the same. On top of that, there needs to be things that interfere along the way, and maybe even make it so that the girl hates the guy at one point.

    Oh well I hafta get the love up and going as soon as I can, yu'll understand after a few chappiez :D I cant spoil it now Oh sure I'll hav up an array of obstacles coming, hopefully :D and thankyoufor all the advice again :D


    Links to previous chapters at the top.

    http://www.narutobase.net/forums/sho...d.php?t=261695
    Quote Originally Posted by hinata020 View Post
    its really good, and its not boring at all. keep it up ^_^
    Thankiez Sooh much Shell sama!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by SpiritInfinityRoy View Post
    I like it. Keep up the good work.
    Thankyou :3
    Quote Originally Posted by BlkMagk View Post
    NiShE :D
    SHankieZ
     
         

  16. #16
    Monster Without a Name Melodious's Avatar
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    That was nice! D
     
         

  17. #17
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    Re: In a Heartbeat<3 Chapter I

    I've never read this kind of writing style before, and I like it It was funny too, and made me give out a small laugh several times ^_^ Oh, and I agree with S.Train when he says that it went a bit fast in the end, but a good story as a whole! :3

    You should also have a bit more description in the end where they are talking... in my opinion of course ^_^
    More description makes the story float, and makes the story seem more natural :D

    You should also think about making something bad happen between them in one of the next chapters... Like she would hate the main character for a moment. And you should have more characters come into the story... maybe another girl who starts to like the main character too? :3

    Well, great work on the story, and try to make it a bit slower when you make the next chapter!
    Tell me when you finish the next chapter, okay? ^_^
     
         

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