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  1. #1
    evilshade's Avatar
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    "The Dragon's Flame"

    Ok. So im starting this book series and this is the first book in it. I hope to be published one day and this be my starting money for college and starting a buisness. I am open to Ideas, Critisism and help writing it. if you need more info please PM me. Lable the Pm as "The Dragons Flame" then put what it is. Idea, Critisism, or Help Writing. Ill grately appreciate it.

    [FONT=Times New Roman]"The Dragons Flame"
    By: Brice E. Schultz

    Chapter 1

    "Darcov...Darcov...Darcov! Wake up!" he heard that sinister and purely horrid voice. It was Mr.Reit, his english teacher. "I said-," started the teacher. "I know what you said. I know what you've said since the bell rang for third eriod on the first day three months ago!" growled Darcov. "Well then why dont you do what I asked you to do five minutes ago?" growled his teacher through his yellowing teeth. "You wanted me to read page 191 to page 193 in "The History of the Land of O'Fearicus" written by Jocob J. Smidt. The book copywrited-," stated Darcov to make his teacher fume. "I already know all of this Mr. Nova!" yelled Mr.Reit.. "Alright here I go." Darcov continued, "The only clue to the 'Guardians of the Five" last location was a small rhyme."Read Darcov. "Well? Go on red it. I know your taking Ludician this year." smirked his teacher. Darcov growled. He hated that class because Mr.Reits only friend, and fiance, Ms. Dewood was his teacher and was close to failing him. "The burning fire is deep in the lake, While the soaring wind is deep in the trees, the thunderoushowls on a cliff, while the freezing water is far from its element, the strong stone is deep in the sky so it is very hard to find. Follow these clues and the sixth dagger will show, when it decides to take hold." Read Darcov. He was about to sit down when Mr.Reit slammed his book on his desk. "Why must you fib Mr.Nova?" he screamed. The whole class jumped in there desks and turned towards him silently. "I...AM...NOT...LIEING." Seethed Darcov. "It's clear as glass in the book in black and white." He said through clenched teeth as his teacher came over to his desk. "Yes. But in third-year Ludician." He stated showing him the books side by side. "And whats wrong with your eyes? There so red and bright its like there on fire." stated his teacher. Luckily for both Mr.Reit and Darcov the bell rang. Everyone grabbed their stuff and started to leave. "Mr.Nova, do not come to my class tomorrow. You will be in detention instead." said Reit. "Ya whatever", replied Darcov slamming the soor and headed to leave the school, finally. "Hey! Darcov you gonna leave without me?!" He heard the very, too familiar, voice scream. "No Sky. Ill wait, this time." sighed Darcov. Sky was soon ready. He has lightly sanded blonde hair and sky blue eyes. He was fit enough for someone who doesn't play sports. He was 6'1". He finally ran up to Darcov. "So where you headed off to? I thought you were going to try out for the kendo club today." Said Sky as he looked at Darcov. Darcov didn't reply and looked at himself in te mirror next to the sink outside the bathroom.. Darcov has black hair with some redd in it, been that way since birth. He was an astonishing 6'4" and had a firm build. He had plenty of scars on his body from practising Kendo with real swords. His eyes were light red buit seeme to flicker. "I don't know. I think I'll go sit at the park with you guys today."Oh...ok...then lets go." replied Sky grabbing and dragging Darcov by his wrist. darcov closed his eyes, not being to the park in a while forgot the way when he opened his eyes he was mad. "Sky why are we here?!" commanded Darcov. "W-well you had your mind set on joining so we booked you an audition." stuttered Sky. Darcov just sighed and ruffled shy's hair, which annoyed him, and walked in and was astonished at what he saw, they used real blades and no paddings. "Hey! Who are you?" Yealled a kid with some weird curved blades, almost like scythes. "Im here to join I have an audition." replied Darcov. "Name", said the kid obviously the captain, Alekai Fang. "Nova. Darcov Nova."Said Darcov."Hmm your late. Gonna have to go against me. Choose some blades. Ill get my practice katana." Sneered Alekai. "When I beat you I call captain" replied Darcov doing some practice strikes. "Ok. gotta beat me first." Alekai commented as everyone moved out of the way. "Oh ya. Weird fact about me. Any blade in my hands becomes 10x stronger then steal and can cut so fast they can sever nerves." said Darcov. "Oh really?" replied Alekai charging Darcov. "Kendo action 20: Solid Cross Block." said Darcov making a cross with the twin blades and side stepped Alekaai. Alekai then Moved backward by jumping backwards and round houseing Darcov's side. "Now to strike." Alekai started to sing his blade but Darcov had dissapeared. "huh?" Alekai started to look around for Darcov. "got you" Darcov started to come crashing down as Alekai looked up and he "scratched a nerve" that knocked him out. "Hmm only one technique? Weak." Darcov then started to walk out after grabbing the captains band. "D-darcov? What happened? Why are you wearing the captains band?" Questioned Sky as they walked towards the gates to leave the school courtyard. "I beat the Ex-captain, Alekai Fang, and won title as captain." Calmly replied Darcov. "Oh..." Was all sky could say. Later that night Darcov was in his room when he got a text.
    "Hey. Whats up?" -S
    "Nothing really. Working on this stupid Ludician work." -D
    "Really? I tought that was easy!" -S
    "Can I get some help?" -D
    "Sure. What number you on?" -S
    "3" -D
    "Out of 5? Alright three says 'Translate the words Falcoon and Weathryn' right?" -S
    "Ya. I think its Falcon and something else." -D
    "Weathryn. Its an elemental name. It means Wind." -S
    "Right. Thanks" -D
    "How'd you get numbers one and two?" -S
    "They were Igneel and Fiorea. Dragon and Fire." -D
    "Ah. So you remember those?" -S
    "Ya. I also remember Detere and Proong" -D
    "Earth and Deer?" -S
    "Yup. And those were numbers four and five." -D
    "Oh. Well Little brother woke up so have to go put him back to bed. See ya tomorrow" -S
    "Alright see ya." -D
    After Finishing the rest of his homework he layed down on his bed staring at the ceiling and he, eventually, fell asleep.

    Chapter 2
    "Hmm so thats the young Dragon Warrior? The one destined to battle against Master Roland?" muttered a strange person watching Darcov head into the school. "I wonder if he knows his "Talent" yet?" thought the man as he walked away. As he headed to get in his car he caugt sight of himself in a mirror. Colton, this was his name, was around 6'5" and had raven black hair. His eyes were a deep blue and as hypnotic as a snakes. Today he was wearing a loose white T-shirt and some dark blue, almost black, jeans. "Hmm wonder if he's learned how to get to O'Fearicus or not?" said Colton to noone inperticular. "Guess I should go and report to Lord Vincent" Said Colton as he started to go towards the woods in his red SUV. "I hope that 'Black Seer' opens a Rif-" was all Colton could say before he was lurched between worlds and his SUV barrled into a tree taking it and two more out.
    X X X X X X X X X X X X
    "Nova, Darcov?" Called out Mr. Hearse, the new substitute Detention teacher. "Here" replied Darcov as emotionless as possible. "Good now everyone start on your work. If you have none then read a book or doodle." Commanded Mr.Hearse. Darcov looked around before pulling out his work. He saw four faces that he never thought would be here, well, atleast three of them shocked him. Opposite of him, since he was in the only desk on thr right side of the room, was Sky Parker; his best friend, Next to Sky was Alekai Fang, captain of the Kendo club; Darcov went back this morning to return the patch to him. Behind Alekai was Zane Corbin, another of Darcov's friends, and behind Sky next to Zane was Brock Stonnage. Zane looked up with his iridecent purple eyes, he wears contacts that have slit pupils. He has silver hair with red highlights and is around 5'10", the smallest in the group. He was captain of the Gymnastics club in both elementary and middle school. Zane pushed brock lightly on the shoulder and nodded towards Darcov as he looked up. Brock had light brown, almost golden amber colored hair and dark brown eyes. He was the shyest one of the group. He was near 6'4" and well built from track. He could run faster and longer than anyone and could jump three high hurdles spread with two feet inbetween them if he gets a running start, they dared him to do it and wanted to try four but he slipped landing and landed on his hand s and scrapped them and didn't want to do it. He had a black eye which, as Darcov thought, might be why he was there. "Mr. Corbin, please continue your work. You to Mr. Nova and Mr. Stonnage." commanded Mr.Hearse. Darcov grabbed his work and opened his Ludician text book to translate it."Huh? Why's there a note here?" Darcov started to open it and heard a voice as soon as a little tear, that was hardley see able enless you knew where it was, was on the envelope. "TURN BACK! Do not read! Danger awaits you, young Dragon master!", was all it said. "Hmm, should I listen to mysterious voices in my head or open a letter in my Ludician textbook?" Said darcov as the note was ripped from his hands by the Sub. "Passing notes will not be tolerated in detention Mr. Nova."
    "B-but it might be from Ms.Dewood. She had and delivered my book ." replied Darcov. It wasn't a COMPLETE lie, she did bring him his book, but dropped it on the ground and screamed at him for "Throwing" it at her. "Well we'll just have to see what it says." said Hearse as he ripped the side of the envelope to access the letter. "Thy Shalt pay for not heading my warning."
    "W-wait! It wasn't me!" Yelled Darcov. As Mr.Hearse pulled the letter out Darcov snatched it away from him. "Mr.Nova! give me that letter this instant!" snarrled Mr.Hearse. "Why? It's addressed to me!" yelled Darcov. "Just give it to him already. He took all of ours" Darcov heared Alekai sigh. "Ya. All that was on them was 'You have been selected as one of the five' whatever that means" added Zane looking up from his third year Ludician textbook, the one class that he actually understood and was in an upper class because of it. Darcov started to sit down while Mr.Hearse went to his desk adn put the note mith the rest in a drawer. Darcov was going to work when he say zane write something on his desk. Darcov looked and relized that Zane was writting a note in third year Ludician. "Devis notre aktre der volis," something is going on here. Darcov nodded then relized that Zane wrote it in third year Ludician. How did he understand it? He wasn't sure so he just continued his work and, after the bell rang, he went with Alekai to Kendo practice. On the way they actually started to become friends. "Hey Darcov. I have a question for you" said Alekai as he pulled on his practice clothes behind the thin, but opaque, screen divider. "Ya?" asked Darcov doing the same thing and went to wait by the dojo doors, not having a key to get in yet. "Did you hear a distant voice when you started to open your letter?
    "Y-ya. It sounded male but hard to tell. You hear it to?"
    "I hears a voice and It seamed rough when Hearse took my letter. None of us actually read them.
    "Really...we need to get thoes letters." Darcov then stepped into the dojo as Alekai unlocked the doors and both went to get there personal blades. "I wish we had them" said Darcov as he slached at a sand bag. It seamed to go through the bad atleast 5 times but the bag seperated into millions of peices and he then stabbed the ground. Alekai sighed and went to get the broom and vaccum to clean up. He threw his scythes straight up and only one hung on the ground the other wrapped around a bean connected by a long black chain.
    X X X X X X X X X X X X
    "There letters came today sir."
    "Good job Colton."
    "Thank you master" Said Colton standing up. He then flickered and half of his body changed. In its place was the left half of none other then Mr.Hearse and he laughed with a dark, deep, rumbling voice that sounded like and avalanche.
    Chapter 3[/
    FONT]
     
         

  2. #2
    Logitsu Big bengi's Avatar
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    Re: "The Dragon's Flame"

    Yeah,i have just finished the thread, this is really nice, you do have some skills. Am no author so i wont criticizes you but will suggest the following:
    - I only hoped you would describe things like sounds made by actions like stamping of feet a little more, describe scene a little more like the description of their dogo to make it more vivid to the readers' mind.
    -I also wish you would give us a brief background (family) about darcov or sky because that way it's easy to relate with him and know what we are dealing with.
    -You should also include his romantic interest in a certain female (mother, sister, a crash or the gal of his drams)early in the story to capture the ladies. Show he has a sensitive side.
    - The scene in the fourth line of the second paragraph in the second chapter states three new faces and you describe four personalities, have to be careful with details.
    -Please include an imperfect character, probably 5'6, fat with glass and is a loser at every thing but science, helps describe the other side of the society that most of every one not perfect can relate to.
    - Give him a code early in the story, something he lives for because that makes up a character even better. You could kill off one of his beloved so he has to work an angle a times or with hold information.
    -You could also make him a little more bad ass either give him tattoos to go with those scars of his, ear piercing , bald head, you know, that sort of stuff that every interesting person has that silently bother every one else.
     
         

  3. #3
    evilshade's Avatar
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    Re: "The Dragon's Flame"

    Quote Originally Posted by Big bengi View Post
    Yeah,i have just finished the thread, this is really nice, you do have some skills. Am no author so i wont criticizes you but will suggest the following:
    - I only hoped you would describe things like sounds made by actions like stamping of feet a little more, describe scene a little more like the description of their dogo to make it more vivid to the readers' mind.
    -I also wish you would give us a brief background (family) about darcov or sky because that way it's easy to relate with him and know what we are dealing with.
    -You should also include his romantic interest in a certain female (mother, sister, a crash or the gal of his drams)early in the story to capture the ladies. Show he has a sensitive side.
    - The scene in the fourth line of the second paragraph in the second chapter states three new faces and you describe four personalities, have to be careful with details.
    -Please include an imperfect character, probably 5'6, fat with glass and is a loser at every thing but science, helps describe the other side of the society that most of every one not perfect can relate to.
    - Give him a code early in the story, something he lives for because that makes up a character even better. You could kill off one of his beloved so he has to work an angle a times or with hold information.
    -You could also make him a little more bad ass either give him tattoos to go with those scars of his, ear piercing , bald head, you know, that sort of stuff that every interesting person has that silently bother every one else.
    tattoos come later in book
     
         

  4. #4
    Logitsu Big bengi's Avatar
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    Re: "The Dragon's Flame"

    Am glad you have them covered, i guess you have your own style and set up to how you plan to tackle those aspects. However can you at least include a romantic interest in the first chapters? You could do it passively if you don't what it to foil your story's core ideas. It would prepare our mind for an adventure to come before we are engaged by the character, much personality and the mystery about the voices he keeps hearing.
     
         

  5. #5
    evilshade's Avatar
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    Re: "The Dragon's Flame"

    It wont matter till later or make sense till so.
     
         

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