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  1. #1
    Sasuketheultimateninja sasukeultimateninja's Avatar
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    naruto and bleach movie special (the stranger finale part 1)

    Chapter 1
    The legendary monster Zabiru which is the king and predecessor of all the hollows has descended. it roars sending dust to everyone. Everyone looks in shock at the size of it..
    Shikimaru: what in heaven's name is that?

    Neji:never in my entire life have i encountered a monster like it. it is almost the same size as the kyuubi and sasuke's susano'o perfect
    Urahara: that is Zabiru. he is the predecessor and king of all the hollows including these ones we are fighting.(the ninjas look surprised)
    kankuro:are you serious?

    Ikkaku:i thought that beast was a myth
    Toushirou:no, it is real. The truth is that it did exist and was terrorising the people near the soul society. many shinigamis tried to stop and destroy it but they were unsuccessful

    Urahara; the only people who were able to stop it were the five lengendary shinigamis which include yamamoto-sensei. Each one had the mastery over one element that is fire,water,wind,earth and lightining. They were successful in defeating it and each used his powers to seal that beast away and soul society has been entrusted to make sure that it never came out.But the four of them died ancient leaving yamamoto only. Now that the monster is out it will be impossible to seal it since all five will be needed to seal it again.but there is only one
    Temari: this is bad
    Ishida: so the only way to stop it is to try and destroy it. am i right?( Urahara nods his head)
    Someu: don't lose your focus i and my armies are the one you must deal with.
    Ikkaku;shut up already( he rushes to him and the fight continues)

    Chapter 2
    In the ladies side, camry is weeping, believing that her father has made a terrible mistake.

    Camry: father, why do you never listen to me. there was no need to summon that beast. i love you so much and i do not want to lose you like mother.( sakura and the others feel a bit bad for her)
    Rukia: camry, why do you fight alongside with your dad even if you know that his plan will destroy everyone including you. You are a talented warrior and you shouldn't use your powers for evil.
    Sakura: rukia is right. there is still time to stop this.

    Ino; you must help us stop your dad.
    Camry: shut up. You do not know anything about me
    Hinata: please camry. it is not too late to change.

    (camry stops, she bows her head and begins to laugh. the girls are surprised.)

    Camry: do you people think i will just leave and join you guys. i will escape this place once i am done destroying you all. i will just leave my dad to his fate.( she weave some signs) fire style ;dragon shower jutsu she shoots some flames with dragon heads toward them. Rukia intercepts)
    Rukia:way of binding no.84: Rune wall ( a large forcefield wall blocks the flames)

    Rukia: i believe it is time we wrap this battle up
    Sakura;i guess i have no choice but to use this ninjutsu
    Rukia:what ninjutsu(Ino remembers and holds sakura's hand)
    Ino;sakura you are not serious in using this ninjutsu are you?(hinata remembers and looks worried. sakura nods her head in affirmative)

    Ino: but don't you know the risk sakura. you fully haven't mastered the former tsuchikage's ninjutsu and remember, he said that if one can't control the power it will drain him of all his chakra and turn him into dust, even if his opponent is defeated by it.
    Sakura; i know every thing Ino. but there is not enough choice. but i will need some time and that armour to be weakened a bit so that the attack will be critical.
    (understanding the seriousness in sakura. Ino agrees to help. sakura tells them the strategy. Rukia deactivates the shield and ino, hinata and rukia got and fight her)

    Camry:haa!!!. you really think you can all defeat me. (she towards them and the fight continues.As the fight goes on, sakura claps her hands and begins to concerntrate chakra to it.)
    Sakura:please work.

    ( the fights intensifies. As camry takes down all three, she decides to deal with hinata first. she stabs her and smiles. Just then hinata disappears and there is a pierced wood there)

    Camry:what?! subsititution jutsu.(she turns around and sees hinata taking an eight trigrams fighting stand)
    Hinata;it is over. eight trigrams 128 defense(she spins very fast and her chakra lines begin to do some damage on camry's armour. after that attack, and notices that there has been some damage.
    camry; you think you can take me down that easily...(she heards some noise from behind and turns her back only to see sakura about to release her power
    Rukia; do it now sakura!

    Sakura:particle style ;atomic wave jutsu(she releases a huge wave that hits camry very hard. camry screams in pain as she is being destroyed along with her armour)
    Camry;i..can't believe i have lost....(she is engulfed by the attack and she is vapourised).

    Ino; you did it sakura, i can't believe you actually mastered the tsuchikage jutsu.(sakura becomes fatigue and is about to fall, hinata and rukia rush to grab her.)

    Rukia; you did well sakura
    sakura: thanks guys. (she looks at the direction of the other fights,)everyone.. please be safe.

    Chapter 3
    Meanwhile,someu attempts to create a shockwave again, but ikkaku intercepts and punches him on the face. As he tries to regain his posture, tsuande rushes and destroys the hammer with her fist

    Someu; damn you, tsunade..(before he could say anything, he is quickly engulfed with gaara's sand
    Gaara;it is over someu. sand burial( he clenches his fist and someu is crushed to death. As everyone goes for medical aid from the medical ninjas and inoue, they hear the roar of zabiru and the guys fighting the beast.
    Lee; shouldn't we go and help them. they need our help
    Kiba;yeah, we could get a crack on that monster.

    Urahara;please don't. that beast, can't be beaten that easily. we will only get in their way. we can only believe in them to win.
    Tsunade;he is right. if there is anyone who can stop that thing, it will be those three.
    Shikimaru:are you sure of this tsunade. (she nodds her head. As inoue is healing the injured, she looks at ichigo's direction and sliently speaks)
    inoue;kurosaki-kun, please be safe and come back.

    Chapter 4
    Zabiru roars with rage as the sasuke and naruto try to destroy the beast with their powerful attacks

    Naruto: sage art; massive rasen-shuriken(naruto lands that attack and there is a massive explosion, but the beast is still unharmful)
    Sasuke; kirin frenzy;

    (sasuke summons huge multiple lightning attacks from the sky, which strikes the beast). This should destroy you completely( when the lightning explosion ends, the beast just roars the dust away and uses it fist to try and hit the guys, they all duck quickly)

    Ichigo:getsugatenshou...(he release his attack, but his attack also is deflected. girald stands on top of the beast laughing.)
    Girald; you still don't get do you?. Zabiru is the greatest monster in history. its power rivals anything and it can never be beaten. you are all goners. Just give up already.
    Naruto:(he gnashes his teeth and clinges his fist.) we will never give up. we will beat you by all means
    Girald: i will like to see you try

    (everyone is trying to figure out a way to defeat it. then suddenly kurama speaks inside naruto's heart)
    Kurama:naruto, listen to me. this is for you and sasuke
    Naruto:what is it kurama, you have an idea.
    Kurama: the best way to fight fire is with fire. let me come out and let sasuke use his susano'o perfect so that we will team up against it

    Naruto:are you sure you can handle this?.
    (kurama smiles with a grin.Naruto seeing the confidence decides to add kurama to the fight)

    Naruto:sasuke listen, i just spoke with kurama. it looks like we have no choice but to use our trump cards to fight the beast and win. do you have enough chakra for that jutsu of yours.
    Sasuke: yeah sure.(he gets serious) let's do it.
    Naruto:ichigo, i am sure you have a secret power of your own. we will deal with the beast while you deal with girald.
    Ichigo;ok
    Girald:what are you people blabbing about.

    (suddenly naruto morphs to his full bijuu state and kurama comes out, sasuke in his EMS forms closes his eyes and suddenly his ocular powers change to the rinnengan)
    Sasuke:time to fight. Susano'o perfect!!! (the titan Susano'o emerges with sasuke in its head)

    (NB; sasuke's susano'o perfect is the same as madara's own. the only difference is that sasuke's own uses two katatna swords instead of one)

    (ichigo watches in awe and gets a bit scared when he sees a monster fox)

    Ichigo; you guys have crazy powers.
    kurama;human. use your hidden powers and start this fight)
    Ichigo;ok( ichigo, covers his face with his hand)Hollowfy!!!!( he is engulfed with spiritual pressure and then he is covered with a steel skeleton armour. his sword changes into its ultimate form yatsu tensa.

    (girald seeing that everyone has brought his trump cards, he shakes his head and laughs)
    Girald; so you all have brought out your strongest powers. this will be interesting. get them zabiru.( the monster roars and begins to rush toward them)

    ichigo: let's go( they also move towards the incoming beast)

    The clash of titans begins

    to be continue in the next part
     
         
    Last edited by sasukeultimateninja; 01-16-2013 at 11:04 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member shanee's Avatar
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    Re: naruto and bleach movie special (the stranger finale part 1)

    "Sakura: particle style"

    this is where i stopped reading. im sorry but no. i gave it a chance too. sorry bud.
     
         

  3. #3
    Sasuketheultimateninja sasukeultimateninja's Avatar
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    Re: naruto and bleach movie special (the stranger finale part 1)

    Quote Originally Posted by shanee View Post
    "Sakura: particle style"

    this is where i stopped reading. im sorry but no. i gave it a chance too. sorry bud.
    how many times do i have to explain myself that i imagined that sakura had been taught all earthstyle moves by the tsuchikage.i thought that was what fanfiction was all about.anyway isn't possible that sakura can learn earth style.Anyway what are your suggestion,because i will greatly apprepriate
     
         

  4. #4
    Senior Member shanee's Avatar
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    Re: naruto and bleach movie special (the stranger finale part 1)

    well, first off, if you are serious about this fan fic, then i would introduce how the ninjas and the soul reapers came together. i would give some back story about this Camry girl and explain more in depth about what is going on. i am only gonna release one chapter at a time but in that one chapter, its about as long as your whole 4 chapters. i would give a lot more detail and explain what is happeneing more. instead of saying

    "The legendary monster Zabiru which is the king and predecessor of all the hollows has descended. it roars sending dust to everyone. Everyone looks in shock at the size of it.."

    i would say

    " The legendary monster of the sould reaper world called Zabiru, king and predecessor of all the hallows appears through the sky. This creature looks like (add description here.) It Rips the layers of the sky coming from hell to Devower everyone is its sight. as his whole body emerges onto (earth/wherever you are,) it lets out a roar sounding like thousands of glass shattering. its shockwave from the roar sent the dust flying over both ninjas and soul reapers. there is some moans of pain from getting flung back but the battle field stays quiet as everyone stands in fear."


    but thats just me.

    also, i dont really know who this camry girl is. who is her dad? why is she bad? what is going on. i feel like i just jumped right in the middle of the fanfic. im super confused of whats going on.

    and since noone on base really likes sakura, just put her as a secondary character by only having her know healing.
     
         

  5. #5
    Senior Member Germanicus's Avatar
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    Re: naruto and bleach movie special (the stranger finale part 1)

    Quote Originally Posted by shanee View Post
    well, first off, if you are serious about this fan fic, then i would introduce how the ninjas and the soul reapers came together. i would give some back story about this Camry girl and explain more in depth about what is going on. i am only gonna release one chapter at a time but in that one chapter, its about as long as your whole 4 chapters. i would give a lot more detail and explain what is happeneing more. instead of saying

    "The legendary monster Zabiru which is the king and predecessor of all the hollows has descended. it roars sending dust to everyone. Everyone looks in shock at the size of it.."

    i would say

    " The legendary monster of the sould reaper world called Zabiru, king and predecessor of all the hallows appears through the sky. This creature looks like (add description here.) It Rips the layers of the sky coming from hell to Devower everyone is its sight. as his whole body emerges onto (earth/wherever you are,) it lets out a roar sounding like thousands of glass shattering. its shockwave from the roar sent the dust flying over both ninjas and soul reapers. there is some moans of pain from getting flung back but the battle field stays quiet as everyone stands in fear."


    but thats just me.

    also, i dont really know who this camry girl is. who is her dad? why is she bad? what is going on. i feel like i just jumped right in the middle of the fanfic. im super confused of whats going on.

    and since noone on base really likes sakura, just put her as a secondary character by only having her know healing.
    Most of what was advised here was good advice. You have to be more descriptive. The reader needs to be able to envision the surroundings and characters (and the actions of the characters) in their minds. Remember, adjectives are your best friend. Also, it is best to usually give a basic introduction (or at least a summary) as to how you utilized with your creative liberties with the story. (why are soul reapers and ninjas teamed up? Why and how did Sakura learn particle style from the Tsuchikage?)

    However, don't feel the need to make characters secondary based on popular opinion alone. If you like a character, and want them to be important, make them important. That's your prerogative.

    Finally, space out your paragraphs and conversations a bit more so the whole thing doesn't just jumble together. Also, spend more editing time; there were some repetitive phrases and some grammar errors which were a bit distracting.

    Keep working though.
     
         

  6. #6
    Senior Member shanee's Avatar
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    Re: naruto and bleach movie special (the stranger finale part 1)

    Quote Originally Posted by Germanicus View Post
    Most of what was advised here was good advice. You have to be more descriptive. The reader needs to be able to envision the surroundings and characters (and the actions of the characters) in their minds. Remember, adjectives are your best friend. Also, it is best to usually give a basic introduction (or at least a summary) as to how you utilized with your creative liberties with the story. (why are soul reapers and ninjas teamed up? Why and how did Sakura learn particle style from the Tsuchikage?)

    However, don't feel the need to make characters secondary based on popular opinion alone. If you like a character, and want them to be important, make them important. That's your prerogative.

    Finally, space out your paragraphs and conversations a bit more so the whole thing doesn't just jumble together. Also, spend more editing time; there were some repetitive phrases and some grammar errors which were a bit distracting.

    Keep working though.
    yeah, just because i dont like a character doent meat you are obliged to change it. i have been editing the same 1st chatper for like 2 weeks now and when i finally know its perfect, ill release it. there is no rush to release it. : )



    and when you finally get it perfect, you will feel like you conquered the world!

     
         

  7. #7
    Sasuketheultimateninja sasukeultimateninja's Avatar
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    Re: naruto and bleach movie special (the stranger finale part 1)

    thanks for leting me know. however, in the case of camry, the truth is that she lost her mother who was killed by a shinigami who was possessed by a hollow and her life hasn't been the same since. in the case of her father, he was removed from his post in the science department after he was busted for making illegal experiments on the hollows for his selfish and obessed reasons. he has been just been out for revenge against soul society and their judicial system and has been training her daughter to hate everyone of them. but camry's real reason is the death of her mother. How the shinigamis and ninjas met? that is in the previous story i wrote. But thanks for all the comments i appreciate it.
     
         

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