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  1. #1
    Mr. Blue Crow.'s Avatar
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    Less fan, more fiction.

    I wrote this some time ago, but just recently have I found the courage to post it. Only two others have seen any of this story, and only one has read it to its fullest. Please don't tear it apart or 'TL;DR' it, as I have out quite the number of hours putting thought towards it. And if you have found any grammatical errors on my part, please tell me. My editor/brother forgot to go through it thoroughly.

    Oh and while you're reading here is some music to set the mood.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyUXLzKWxLs

    And:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMFWFhTFohk

    Taken hostage by the event he can't escape. Will never escape. He drowned himself in another bottle of Skol, it was cheap and he was broke. That day was like the rest, lovely, a gift really, but now that day was a curse. Something no man should live with, something that tears your very soul out and throws it into the fires of the sun.
    He got off the bus with a skip to his step. Always cheerful, this child, always optimistic, even in classes he was a radiant beam from the sun. She greeted him with a smile like she always had. They started their journey home, just fifty yards, three of road, the rest of field. The greenest grass a man could ever wish to mow. They held hands and pursued the first step.
    The sound was that of tires tearing at the road, the engine bellowing at the tires to go faster and the tires screaming in rebellion. But the truck pushed on. Faster and faster up the hill. Towards the two most cherished things in the mans life. He heard the truck. Yelled then screamed for it not to be true. The smile on the mothers face that could bring the dead back to life it was so beautiful. But if only she had looked through a mirror the father wouldn't be where he was now. His body ran faster than he thought possible, his mind couldn't possibly keep up. He screamed louder and louder but it was wild and incomprehensible. The mother didn't know what to make of it. She turned. Death stole her and the boy. Silence stole the father. He ran harder and faster but it was as if they were miles away. The agony he felt was more than an army could comprehend. It was acid through his veins. they were barely breathing when he got to them. The father crumpled, conformed to their positions. Carefully pulling them closer, tears started to come to him like they had never before. His senses went into denial, he didn't want to see them like this. He was blinded. He didn't want to smell the burning rubber from the tires. The scent was robbed from him. He felt a puddle growing around him. He could no longer feel the warm touch of the earth or the blood.
    "Honey, it'll be ok". She spoke quieter than any mouse, softer than any feather. Permafrost gripped his very soul as he knew this may be their last moments together. He didn't want to hear her last words, not like this, not yet. The idea that they still had years to go was fleeing his mind, he grasped for it like a drowning man would air. "It isn't your fault". She spoke again. "Is he-". she looked to the boy. This time a little more raspy. The boy hadn't spoken. The father leaned closer to him hoping for anything. He was already gone. He hadn't gotten to him in time. The tears started to pour harder and faster. He felt nothing. He saw nothing. He heard nothing. He was deaf dumb and blind wondering hell. He looked to the truck. The source of his pain. The driver was fiddling with something in the passenger seat. A flurry of movements trying to hide his reason for hitting the mother and child. The father took his shirt from his back, gently rested it under the mother's head. His chest stomach and back were chiseled in marble, his mind long gone.
    He didn't hear his wife's attempt at denying his movements. He moved to the door of the truck quicker than lightning strikes the earth. He threw the driver out of the car and onto the moist pavement. The father noticed the needles on the floorboard on the passenger's side. His rage grew to new heights. The driver had no time to react, the father was on top of him. He pummeled the driver, using every bit of strength he could muster. The sound was similar to that bowling balls dropping on flesh. With each blow the driver was less recognizable, his face swollen and bloodied. The father couldn't feel his broken knuckles from bashing the drivers skull, he couldn't feel the torn skin on his hands from the drivers broken teeth. The driver wheezed after every blow. The father was drenched with a mix of blood years and sweat. The mother scream for him to stop but her voice would only let out a whisper. He heard his wife's testimony to his feral beating. He froze, turned to her, she's was crying. He paused his onslaught. He crawled back to his wife and child. "I'm so so sorry-". She hushed his apology.

    Hope you enjoyed. ^.^
    And depending on the fees back I get, I'll post other works of mine.
     
         
    Last edited by Crow.; 02-01-2013 at 08:12 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    you were so close.
     

    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Nice fanfic :D Next time use paragraphs because it seems hard reading it
     
         

  3. #3
    Fanboys Worst Nightmare new sage of 6 paths's Avatar
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    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Nice one,continue the good work!
     
         

  4. #4
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    Que rico...
     



    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Damn, good one, dramatic stuff :D
     
         

  5. #5
    Mr. Blue Crow.'s Avatar
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    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kages View Post
    Nice fanfic :D Next time use paragraphs because it seems hard reading it
    I broke it up a little bit.
     
         

  6. #6
    NB's Loyal Knight FitzChivalry Farseer's Avatar
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    I am Fire . . . . I am Death
     

    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Yupp its good alright
     
         

  7. #7
    Mr. Blue Crow.'s Avatar
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    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fitz View Post
    Yupp its good alright
    Thank you. ^.^
     
         

  8. #8
    Nyctophiliac Sinfonia's Avatar
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    And I hold within my hand
    Grains of the golden sand- How
    few! yet how they creep
    through my fingers to the
    deep, While I weep- while I
    weep! O God! can I not grasp
    them with a tighter clasp?
     

    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Morbid ending, but really sad overall. Well expressed, this is a nice one. Please keep writing because I just love the way you write ^_^
     
         

  9. #9
    Mr. Blue Crow.'s Avatar
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    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Quote Originally Posted by hinata020 View Post
    Morbid ending, but really sad overall. Well expressed, this is a nice one. Please keep writing because I just love the way you write ^_^
    ^.^
    Glad you liked it.
     
         

  10. #10
    Member 9 tails uzumaki's Avatar
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    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Prety good
     
         

  11. #11
    Señor Member OrochimaruFan's Avatar
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    Forever waiting for disaster
     

    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Good read man. You did well.
     
         

  12. #12
    Chaotic Neutral Sir Derp Obito's Avatar
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    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Nice, the moral of the lesson is : don't use drugs when driving a bus, which reminds me very much of Otto from The Simpsons
     
         

  13. #13
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    Odin, why did you get my 2
    little bears terminated ? U_U
     



    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    That was awesome
     
         

  14. #14
    Senior Member ~Kobak~'s Avatar
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    Away.
     



    Re: Less fan, more fiction.

    Really good, nice vocabulary but sometimes you repeat the same words too often, and in the beginning some of your sentences were either overcomplicated or too simple. But maybe this contrast was your purpose, just as you described the two sides of a man- a gentle and caring father, and a minute later a raging savage...But: what was the message of this story overall? I have this feeling that it didn't really have an ending. I'm not a writer so of course it's just my private opinion. Keep up the good work!
     
         

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