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    Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    I interchange between text, thought, and spoken dialogue quite a lot, so I suppose I’ll just make a font legend right here, so that nobody gets confused by the different styles later on:D I hope you all enjoy the storyline as much as I do And for the record, I’m already worried that I overpowered the main character, so if that seems to be a concern later on, for the love of everything holy, tell me


    Legend:
    Normal - Dialogue
    Bold - Names
    Italics - Storyline
    (Italics) - Storyline within the dialogue (used mainly to describe individual actions)
    (Normal) - Thoughts
    Bold/Italics - Chapter taglines



    Naruto: Tetsuden


    Chapter 001: First Sight


    - Thirteen years prior -


    The night was calm and abnormally silent as the sharp winds of the Land of Fire tore through the trees surrounding its highly respected ninja village: the Village Hidden in the Leaves. At such time, only a handful of chūnin and jōnin remained active throughout the village, each tasked with the responsibility of keeping a watchful eye out for any foreign parties who might attempt to invade their home. Only one building in the village continued to emit light, …the hospital, where a small group of medical-nin continued working late into the night…and a young couple anxiously awaited the arrival of their first child. Sitting among them were the grandparents of the newborn and several others, all of them eager to welcome this new life into the world. …After nearly three hours of waiting, their patience finally began to pay off.

    ????: Nnnnngghhh! …Nnnnnnnnnnnnnrrrrggghh!! …AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

    ????: Inoue!

    ????: Jiraiya, stand back! She’s doing fine! …Alright, Inoue? I need to you take deep breaths for me, okay?

    Inoue: …huhh…huhh…huhh…

    ????: Perfect. Just like that for me, alright? …Niiice and slowly.

    Inoue: …Huhh…huhhh…huhhh…ah…aaahhh…AAAAAAAAAA HHHHHH!!!

    Jiraiya: Lady Sakura, please! She’s in-!

    ????: Jiraiya.

    Turning back to face the cubicle curtain that divided the room, Jiraiya looked to find that it was being held open by a tall, man with blue eyes, blonde hair, …and whisker-like markings on both sides of his face.

    Jiraiya: Dad.

    Naruto: It’s alright, I promise you. You need to remember that Sakura is a mother, as well. …She knows exactly what Inoue is feeling right now and knows how to help her get through it.

    Jiraiya: ………

    Naruto: (Seeing the concern in his son’s eyes, he adopted his trademark smile and chuckled softly to himself.) The baby will be fine, too, Jiraiya. …Hehehe, don’t forget that she did deliver you, too, after all.

    Jiraiya: …Yeah.

    Inoue’s screams having subsided for now, Jiraiya grabbed a nearby chair and placed it beside the bed before sitting down in it and taking her hand into his own. Opening her eyes ever so slightly, she looked up into his and managed a small smile just before the labor pains returned, causing her to tighten her grip on his hand.

    Inoue: Uggghh…ugh…uh…ah…aahh…AAAAAAHHH!!!

    Jiraiya: Breathe, honey!

    Inoue: Huh…huh…huhhhh…

    Jiraiya: That's it. Do it just like Lady Sakura said.

    Inoue: Huhhh...huhhh...

    Sakura: Alright, Inoue! I need you to give me one last big push, alright?

    Inoue: Nngh...nnnnnnnnrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh...huhhhhh...

    Everything suddenly fell silent, only for the room to burst to life once again as the sound of a newborn’s cries filled it in its entirety. Sakura stood up from her stool with the small child now nestled in her arms, wrapped in a soft, green blanket.

    Sakura: There, ...Jiraiya and Inoue Namikaze, …you are now the parents of an adorable little boy.

    Walking over to Inoue’s side, she gently placed the child in her arms, while Jiraiya leaned in to catch a glimpse of his new son’s face. At almost the exact same time, a small tear began trickling down the sides of their faces. …This joyful moment was cut short, however, as Inoue began crying out in pain once again.

    Inoue: AAAAAAHHH!!!

    Jiraiya: Inoue!! …Lady Sakura, what’s going on!?

    Sakura: (Quickly glancing at the child in Inoue’s arms, she turned to Jiraiya with an expression that held both concern and irritation.) I'm not sure yet! Now, hurry up and take your son before something happens to him!

    Following her orders, he quickly, but carefully, reached in and took the child out of Inoue’s arms. He took a moment to look down at his tiny, red face, still amazed that he was finally a father, …only to be yelled at by Sakura once again.

    Sakura: Now, hand him to his grandparents! I need you to stay focused until everything’s back under control!

    Jiraiya: (Obviously hesitant to give up his new son, even temporarily, he realized that his wife still needed him by her side and succumbed to Sakura’s demand.) Uh…yeah, sure. Dad! Mom!

    Without hesitation, Naruto was back on the other side of the curtain, followed shortly by his wife Hinata. Pausing for just a moment, Jiraiya placed the child in the latter’s arms and sat back down, waiting until the two had walked away before turning back to Inoue, whose cries were gradually beginning to subside once again. Yet another well-known medical-nin was now standing beside the bed, her hands stretched out over Inoue’s stomach, covered in a shroud of green-colored chakra. …She wore a rather stunned expression on her face as she finished her analysis.

    Sakura: Shizune, what’s wrong?

    Shizune: (While surprise was still evident on her face, she also wore a smile of delight as she looked over at the new mother.) …Inoue, …it seems that you aren’t quite finished yet.

    Jiraiya and Inoue exchanged looks of both surprise and happiness before redirecting their attention back to Shizune.

    Jiraiya: …We have…twins?

    Shizune: …Triplets, actually.

    Their eyes grew even wider with this shocking revelation. …Even Sakura found herself rather amazed by this announcement, as did those on the other side of the curtain who had overheard it, …especially Naruto and Hinata, who looked at each other with overjoyed expressions.

    Hinata: Naruto, …did you-?

    Naruto: Hehe, you bet I did.

    His gaze remained fixed on the boy in Hinata’s arms, but his attention was focused solely on his own thoughts for the time being.

    Naruto: …Wow, …I never really expected this.

    Hinata: (Her expression was almost exactly the same as her husband’s.) …Me neither.

    This minimal exchange didn’t last much longer. …The two were far too busy staring at their new grandson, who seemed to have fallen asleep just shortly after being born.

    Hinata: …He’s such a handsome little boy.

    Naruto: Yeah, he is.

    He lifted up his head and looked at the large, green curtain hanging beside them, through which he could see the silhouette of his only son.

    Naruto: …You suppose that he’ll have the Byakugan, …like his dad?

    ????: Hehehe, I’m sure he’ll grow up to become a fine shinobi, whether he has it or not. …Now, if you don’t mind us doing so, we didn’t come all this way merely to sit here and watch the two of you hold him the entire time, now did we?

    Naruto: (Looking up at the chair resting beside his own, he caught the eyes of his old friend Konohamaru.) Hehe, …yeah, I guess we could allow that. You better be careful with him, though, …Lord Hokage.

    Konohamaru: Hmph, you act like I’ve never held a baby before.

    Making sure that the boy’s head remained supported throughout the exchange, Hinata carefully placed him in Konohamaru’s outstretched arms before the latter proceeded to lean back in his chair. His wife Moegi also leaned in to catch a glimpse of the small child.

    Konohamaru: Heh, I never get tired of holding the children of this village in my arms. …It lets me know that our future is in good hands.

    Moegi: Mmhmhm, he’s such an adorable little fella.

    She began thinking of their own grandchildren as she looked at the child in her husband’s arms.

    Moegi: …I’m sure that he and Minto will become the best of friends when they get older.

    Hinata: (She giggled to herself and nodded in agreement, though this quickly brought another subject to her mind.) Oh! And that reminds me. When is Ayumi due to give birth?

    Moegi: (She paused for a moment to look down at her lap and smile.) …Only two more months. Then, little Minto will have himself a brand new baby sibling…and we’ll have a new grandchild.

    Hinata: Oh, you must be so excited!

    Moegi: I can hardly wait!

    Turning to her husband, she took a moment to look at the child in his arms before reaching her hands out to grab him, only for Konohamaru to hold him further away from her.

    Moegi: Now, come on, Konohamaru! You’ve held him long enough!

    Konohamaru: (Becoming slightly more aggressive in her attempts, he was forced to blink as Moegi came within mere centimeters of clawing out his left eye.) Alright, alright! Just calm down and give me another minute!

    Naruto: Hey, both of you! Take it easy, will you? Most babies don’t fall asleep this soon after being born.

    This small scuffle having finally settled, Moegi took the child into her arms, just as the screams coming from the other side of the curtain finally ceased…and were quickly replaced by the cries of another newborn life.

    Sakura: (Another smile enveloped on her face as she picked the new baby up and wrapped it in a clean, blue blanket.) …Congratulations. It’s another baby boy.

    Standing up and walking over to Inoue’s side, Sakura leaned in to allow her and Jiraiya a chance to see their new son before handing him to Hinata and sitting down once again, …one more child still patiently awaiting its birth. On the other side of the curtain, the older of the two boys was still resting in Moegi’s arms, while his grandparents continued to awe over his younger brother, …who was not being quite nearly as tranquil.

    Naruto: …Well, he sure isn’t quite as tuckered out as his brother, is he?

    Hinata: (Looking at the small child crying in her arms and the one sleeping in Moegi’s, she began drawing contrasts between them in her mind.) Y-yes, he certainly is. …It’s quite a discrepancy in nature.

    Konohamaru: Eh, I’m sure he’ll fall asleep soon, too. …They’re triplets, after all, so they can’t be THAT different.

    Naruto: (Appearing rather unconvinced, he decided this was probably the case and looked back down at the boy in Hinata’s arms, who seemed to be calming down just a bit.) …Yeah. I guess not.

    Looking over at the older of his two grandsons, who was still fast asleep, Naruto quickly realized that one person had still not been given a chance to hold either child…and shifted his gaze to the man sitting at the end of their small row of chairs.

    Naruto: Hey, Sasuke! Would you like to hold him, too?

    The aged leader of the newly revived Uchiha clan appeared to be lost in thought, …though, in actuality, he was looking on the other side of the curtain…at his wife. Realizing his name had been called, he turned his gaze over to Naruto for a moment before glancing over at the boy in Moegi’s arms, …assuming a small smile after a short pause.

    Sasuke: I would be glad to.

    Overhearing this, Moegi held out her arms for Sasuke to take the baby into his own. Once this exchange was complete, he adjusted his hold on the boy in order to provide as much comfort to him as possible. …In truth, it was rather sloppy work, but to his surprise, the small child continued to sleep soundly through the entire ordeal.

    Sasuke: Naruto, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so persistent on sleeping in my entire life.

    Naruto: Hehehehe, I don’t know, Sasuke. …If you recall, Shikarama’s even lazier than his father was.

    Sasuke: (The image of Shikamaru’s son fresh in his mind, he understood the point that Naruto was getting across, …but remained wary of his new grandson’s unusual exploits.) Yes, but this soon after birth? …How could someone possibly be so at peace with the world around him?

    This debate was cut short as everything around them fell silent one final time…and the cries of the third child to be born that night filled the air. Exhausted, Sakura stood up from her stool and wrapped the baby in a fresh blanket, this time pink, before walking over to place it in Inoue’s now outstretched arms.

    Sakura: …Whew, there. You’re all finished, Inoue. …And this one’s a beautiful baby girl.

    As Jiraiya leaned in to catch a glimpse of their new daughter, a few tears rolled down his face, as well as his wife’s, …each of them just as astounded as the other that they were now the parents of three beautiful children. Letting this thought run through his mind a few more times, he quickly got up and poked his head out from the other side of the curtain.

    Jiraiya: (Seeing that one of his sons was still sleeping in Sasuke’s arms, he kept his voice low to prevent his awakening.) Hey, guys. …I think the new mom should get a chance to hold all three of her kids now.

    Hinata wasted no time in returning the second child to Jiraiya, considering this a perfect idea herself, and watching as her son retreated back behind the curtain to set the small boy in his wife’s arms. Before Sasuke could follow suit, however, his attention was drawn elsewhere by the sound of a few soft groans coming from the child resting in his arms. …This was followed by a slight twitching in the young boy’s eyes.

    Sasuke: (His eyes widened in utter surprise, he quickly turned to the child’s father and grandfather to tell them what was happening.) Naruto! Jiraiya, look! ...He’s about to open his eyes.

    Naruto: (Upon hearing this news, he quickly jumped out of his chair and walked over to see, followed shortly the incumbent Hokage and both of their wives.) Already?! …That’s amazing.

    Hinata: Oh, Inoue! I was wish you could be out here to see this!

    Seeing the anxious mother’s new dilemma for herself, Sakura quickly walked over to the curtain and threw it back, allowing her a much better view of this special event.

    Inoue: (She looked up at Sakura and smiled as the renown medical-nin returned to her duties.) …Thank you, Lady Sakura.

    Sakura: (Glad that she could’ve helped, she closed her eyes and formed a cheerful smile of her own.) Hmhmhm, my pleasure, Inoue.

    With almost every eye in the room now on the child, his tiny eyelids continued to twitch more and more, until finally, they folded back, allowing the small boy his very first glimpse of the world around him. …What would be the first thing he saw, however, was Sasuke Uchiha’s astounded…and utterly shocked face. Looking at everyone else standing around him, almost as if searching for a proper welcoming into the world, …the young child only found that they wore the exact same expression.

    Konohamaru: What the-?

    Moegi: Hm? …What’s wrong with his…?

    Sasuke: (Still in near shock, he looked up at Naruto to make an attempt to express his own thoughts on what was in front of them.) Naruto, …that’s…

    Having witnessed it himself, Naruto simply nodded in agreement, knowing full well what Sasuke meant to say. Noticing that Hinata had thrown her hands over her gaping mouth, he placed his arm around her to let her know that nothing was wrong, …just…not exactly normal. Jiraiya, on the other hand, who had never seen this before, simply looked at the faces of everyone around him, …wondering exactly what it was they were staring at.

    Jiraiya: Guys? …Dad, what’s wrong? …Hey, come on, everyone! You’re probably scaring him right now.

    Naruto: (Having reminded himself of where he was and what he was doing, he looked back up at his son and then at his daughter-in-law, putting on another smile after noticing the worried expressions on their faces.) …Sorry, Jiraiya. It’s alright, Inoue! …It’s just been awhile since I saw eyes with that color.

    Both of them appearing satisfied for now, Naruto turned back to look at his grandson, still thunderstruck by what he saw. …There was truth in his words, though. …It had been twenty-five years since he last saw someone with that same ripple-like pattern in their eyes.


    Naruto’s grandchildren are born…and one has the fabled eyes of the Sage of the Six Paths!!!


    The End

    I swear I've got a semi-decent explanation for this later on
     
         
    Last edited by Chakra Wizard; 03-14-2013 at 07:38 AM.

  2. #2
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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    I read it in 30 seconds, good job and now i will actually read it.
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    Loved it ***** very good.
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    Decide to take break from my writing and read it now. I liked it and I'm not in the mood to dissect your chapter but one mistake did stick out to me....maybe

    Inoue’s screams having subsided for now, Jiraiya grabbed a nearby chair and placed it beside the bed before sitting down in it and taking her hand into his own. Opening her eyes ever so slightly, she looked up into his and managed a small smile just before the labor pains returned, causing him to tighten his grip.

    Should bolded be her since its Inoue going threw the Labor pains?

    Overall Good story and I like it so far link me to it and ill read when I have time and I might just sink my fangs into one chapter
     
         

  5. #5
    Senior Member Chakra Wizard's Avatar
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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    Quote Originally Posted by Cobra73 View Post
    Decide to take break from my writing and read it now. I liked it and I'm not in the mood to dissect your chapter but one mistake did stick out to me....maybe

    Inoue’s screams having subsided for now, Jiraiya grabbed a nearby chair and placed it beside the bed before sitting down in it and taking her hand into his own. Opening her eyes ever so slightly, she looked up into his and managed a small smile just before the labor pains returned, causing him to tighten his grip.

    Should bolded be her since its Inoue going threw the Labor pains?

    Overall Good story and I like it so far link me to it and ill read when I have time and I might just sink my fangs into one chapter
    Actually, I did that because Jiraiya was tightening his grip on her hand, so that would've been correct. But yeah, it does seem more likely that she'd be the one tightening her grip, so I should probably change that And thanks, man:D
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    Quote Originally Posted by evilwizard555 View Post
    Actually, I did that because Jiraiya was tightening his grip on her hand, so that would've been correct. But yeah, it does seem more likely that she'd be the one tightening her grip, so I should probably change that And thanks, man:D
    Anything for fellow writers the next chapter of COTC should be out tomarrow if I don't get caught up....tiredness caught me tonight lol. Keep up the good work Mr. Wizard and keep me updated
     
         

  7. #7
    Senior Member Chakra Wizard's Avatar
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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    Quote Originally Posted by Cobra73 View Post
    Anything for fellow writers the next chapter of COTC should be out tomarrow if I don't get caught up....tiredness caught me tonight lol. Keep up the good work Mr. Wizard and keep me updated
    Absolutely:D
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    Script style? O_o Ok. It was actually pretty great. I can't crit at all though. Good job!
     
         

  9. #9
    Senior Member Chakra Wizard's Avatar
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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    Quote Originally Posted by Uzumaki16 View Post
    Script style? O_o Ok. It was actually pretty great. I can't crit at all though. Good job!
    Yeah, for a Naruto FF, it just seemed like the easier writing method. Plus, you can't act like anyone else formats their scripts the way I do Thanks, man
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    saw your 007 post, figured i'd start here nice cliffhanger. i seriously want to read more now haha.
     
         

  12. #12
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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    Quote Originally Posted by Putokage View Post
    saw your 007 post, figured i'd start here nice cliffhanger. i seriously want to read more now haha.
    Yeah, I'm pretty proud of how well I wrote the ending for this chapter And thanks, man Hope you enjoy the other chapters:D
     
         

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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    I always like to read Naruto-based fanfictions I do hope that Sasuke makes an appearance So this story takes place years beyond the Fourth Shinobi World War with Naruto’s child grown up and having a child of his own lol Scratch that-triplets! lol Wow so Konohamaru was the Hokage at this time and married to Moegi. And perhaps Naruto was appointed Hokage year before this point in time. YES-Sasuke has a role in your story-I’m excited!!! Wow it appears as though all of Konoha eleven has had children of their own. Whoa, one of the newborns possesses the Rinnegan! I wonder how exactly that occurred and it seems as though this infant in particular will be playing a huge role in the present time of your story. I liked the character development and backstory. Overall, I thought this chapter was well written and detailed. I’m eager to see where this story is headed and there is more of my feedback on the way my friend
     
         

  14. #14
    Senior Member Chakra Wizard's Avatar
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    Re: Naruto: Tetsuden - 001

    Quote Originally Posted by Kuroi Honoo View Post
    I always like to read Naruto-based fanfictions I do hope that Sasuke makes an appearance So this story takes place years beyond the Fourth Shinobi World War with Naruto’s child grown up and having a child of his own lol Scratch that-triplets! lol Wow so Konohamaru was the Hokage at this time and married to Moegi. And perhaps Naruto was appointed Hokage year before this point in time. YES-Sasuke has a role in your story-I’m excited!!! Wow it appears as though all of Konoha eleven has had children of their own. Whoa, one of the newborns possesses the Rinnegan! I wonder how exactly that occurred and it seems as though this infant in particular will be playing a huge role in the present time of your story. I liked the character development and backstory. Overall, I thought this chapter was well written and detailed. I’m eager to see where this story is headed and there is more of my feedback on the way my friend
    True, all of the above Except all the Konoha 11 having kids (let's be honest, what girl would fall for Shino?)

    Can't wait to see how you enjoy the other chapters
     
         

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