hey guys made a story most will probaly think it sucks well i dont care though typing a story is harder than imagining it man with Inception this would look better than typed oh well
might continue this maybe
We did it! yelled Naruto the battle over the war won. Obito on his knees panting defeated madara beginning to fade away finally giving up his eyes met with naruto. Kyuubi boy your a fool if you think the peace will last.Soon you all will be at each others throats again then what! You lost madara deal with! Tobirama said glaring daggers at him. Madara go in peace rest your soul Harashima said staring at him with sadness. PEACE shouted Madara you fools my Moon Eye Plan was the solution now you have brought your imminent destruction on all of us! Suddenly madara stopped fading his body intact.
Thats enough Madara said a voice full of scorn Naruto the and the alliance quickly turned there stood a cloaked figure near obito. Who are you! Tobirama demanded how is it that none of us sensed him. Even now before us i cant detect him.
The cloaked man looked down at obito. Really madara of all the pawns u could have picked u chose this 1 he has ruined all of my plans. And you have failed u know whats comes next right?! I know said Madara With a voice full of anger regret and despair that it shocked naruto the alliance and even tobirama.
Hashi: Madara who is this? I am your end and your salvation the cloaked man stated. All of this u see madara the juubi Akatsuki was all part of my plan. Madara hear however wanted 1 last chance for you all and he has failed.
There was a yellow blur behind the man suddenly a kunai to his throat. Sorry said Minato but cant let u do anything that we all might regret if we let u keep talking. He thrust it forward but was shocked when the cloaked man vanished and his kunai went straight through obito's neck. Obito just coughed out blood then collapsed muttering rin and kakashi name.
The yellow flash, sneered the cloak man suddenly behind minato did you think i fall for that cheap trick pathetic. Minato quickly warped away.
Angry and grieved kakashi tried to use his kamui but the cloaked man looked at him and kakashi's sharingan deactivated .
Who are you! Shouted naruto with disbelief. The cloaked man turned his head towards naruto did you not hear me fool?! i am your end and your salv- Shut up Naruto said angrily WHO ARE YOU!
The man shook his head very well best you know any ways. The man removed the hood of his cloak. Naruto and co. all of them gasped in awe disbelief and horror.
Naruto's blue eyes stared back at the man's rinnegan eyes his blonde hair his whisker marks on his face. And with a a grin full of contempt sadness and hate the man said i am Naruto Uzumaki i am you or should i say i am you from another Time! A time that is no more!
Last edited by RasenUchihaChaos; 05-01-2013 at 05:30 PM.
Alright, HHHHHEEEEERRRRREEEEESSS REVIEW TIME! (don't hate on the caps, I do this with everyone's new stuff)
First Thing wrong: Grammar
I understand that everyone on the base is not fluent in english, still, here is a revised first paragraph. (I only do first paragraphs)
"We did it!," yelled Naruto, the battle is over the and the war won. Obito is on his knees, panting. A defeated Madara began to fade away, finally giving up. His eyes met with Naruto's, "Kurama! Boy you're a fool! f you think the peace will last! Soon you all will be at each others throats again! Then what?
"You lost Madara, deal with," Tobirama said, glaring daggers at him.
"Madara, go in peace. Rest your soul," Harashima said, staring at him with sadness. "PEACE," shouted Madara, "You fools! My Moon Eye Plan was the solution. Now, you have brought your imminent destruction on all of us! As if by magic, Madara's body stopped fading.
Here's the total: 2/5
Things I liked:
Concept (People seem to get better with this...)
Use of description, even with your grammar level.
Things I disliked:
Ending of war (someone should be dead, but that's a personal want)
Length (I understand it's your first, and maybe only chapter, but this is for the future chaps.)
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the concept, and the only way you can get better is if someone tells you what's wrong.I'm not trying to be high-and-mighty (that's not who I am), I'm only trying to help!