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  1. #1
    The Blind One Lili-Chwan's Avatar
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    [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Of Tales and Tastes
    The Candymaker



    Prologue

    Savor Life. Be it Sweet or Sour, it's just matter of Taste.


    Far before the establishment of the great Village Hidden in the Mist, the Water Country was a dangerous feudal land, divided between bloodthirsty demons and shadow lurkers, birthed by the gargantuan Maternal Mist. Between skirmishes, wars and massacres, the shinobi began to fall under different territories. Each clan would rule lord-like, their area of influence directly proportional to their power. And in that era, far from an alliance, the clans began showing an unspoken treaty of tolerance, fragile in its nature. Small settlements began appearing in neutral grounds, on the outskirts of clan-ruled lands, establishing themselves as inter-cultural points of exchange and communication.

    The settlement of Yuugyo was located in the southwestern corner of the Water Country's main island. It served as communication in and out of the Otafuku peninsula, ruled by the great Hozuki clan and the great Kaguya clan, ancient enemies. The settlement was in charge of Temujin Otaghen, an influential young man of humble origins. The times were prosperous to both clans and the settlement, yet a threat came in like a plague. The Maternal Mist bore a devious demon and let it loose. The beast soon became known as the Candymaker, a name whispered in panic and yelled in secrecy, as it extended its territory to the whole of the peninsula. And peace fell prey to the monster.

    Chapter 1

    Amidst the darkness, a stray dog bore its teeth at the caramelized meat beneath it. Gnawing on the charred black flesh coated in brown liquor, the famished beast tore it down ravenously, until it was frightened away by a piercing scream of a woman. It scurried away into the shadows, abandoning the treat. All but a tender chunk. A caramelized human hand.

    The soggy wood planks protested under the weight of the man rising to the improvised pulpit. Around him, a diverse audience of sparse shinobi were gathering. Contrastingly, the man showed an engaging and assuring smile. His handsome features and broad stature were striking, and the shinobi grew calmer with his presence. The growl of the gathering grew dimmer until silence filled the morning mist. As he stood in front of the people, the man's expression became more rigid and serious. And in a strong Baritone voice, he spoke.

    "It is with greatest regret that I give my bitter condolences to the clans of the victims. Yet I can assure you. We will catch the beast. And when we do, we will take justice into our own hands. It will be slow, and it will be sweet."

    His brows stroke down with determination, before his expression loosen into a comforting smile. The rustling of the crowd grew once again, until a woman rose her voice and shouted:

    "An’ how’d you say we should catch th’Candymaker?"

    The crowd grew restless and loud, with several children cries and accusatory protest. The woman's grimy skin, pale blue, was glistening against the refraction of light from the morning dew, and her black eyes were bright with malice. An Hozuki no doubt. The man cleared his throat, and the chaos subdued again.

    "Well, the answer is sugar-clear. We need to put our differences aside, and come together as a unified front against the threat."

    The chaos ensued again, as the shinobi's opinions split in two. The handsome man patiently waited, keeping his gaze upon the Hozuki woman, until something caught his attention. He parted his lips and let in a great gulp of air, before turning south to meet the group or white haired people that approached the improvised plaza.

    The new arrivals silenced the crowd once again, until the most prominent of them stood face to face with the man.

    "A unified front."

    "Yes, Kemono. That is what I propose."

    Both man stared down at each other in brimming determination and heavy silence. The crowd around paled before their interaction. Kemono then spoke.

    "Very well." He said, looking around the plaza, before resuming the eye contact with the man. "The Kaguya lend their power to you, Otaghen"

    The statement calmed the conflicting crowd, until the Hozuki woman barked again, pointing an accusatory finger to the white haired man.

    "So now the Kaguya act?! Yer people start dyin’ and all of the sudden we all-"

    A loud slap was heard through the crowd, spilling water across the floor. Struck down, the Hozuki woman fell at the feet of the pale man before her. His blue hair and sly stature denounced him as the head of the Hozuki clan.

    "Know yer place, Milia. Ye’re a woman. Behave."

    The thin man stepped forward towards the opposing men. With a sleazy smile plastered across his face, the man spoke.

    "I believe this union’ll benefit we all. I appreciate yer cooperation, Kemono, Otaghen. And I, Ayu of the Hozuki Clan, will do so too."

    Shaking his slimy hands with each men, Ayu took his leave, followed by members of the Hozuki clan. With a courtesy nod, Kemono left in a different direction, followed by the Kaguya. Little by little, the crowd thinned down, until no one stood in the plaza but Ota and the Hozuki woman. He approached her and lowered his stance, to meet her eyes. It had not the malicious eyes of a slimy dog, but a glistening obsidian chrome. Ota reached her cheeks with the sleeve of his cloth, cleaning the tear pathway. His eyes showed compassion and his presence was suiting. Locking eyes, he confirmed her vulnerability, before she masked it with a determined and angry expression.

    "I don't know what ye want, Temujin Otaghen, but I’ll bring ye down and rise the Hozuki clan back to its deserved place"

    "I know, Milia. And I will be here."

    The woman stood up and left into the shadows of the mist. Left alone in the plaza, Ota smiled to himself. The day started very sweet.



     
         
    Last edited by Lili-Chwan; 06-11-2013 at 01:41 AM.

  2. #2
    Light.'s Avatar
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Interesting, I like it
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    OMG, it is going to be great a FF. I want more. It makes feel like I have read Roku or Micheal FF. Such mystery and suspense. Who is that guy? What is going on with the Hozuki and Kaguya clan? Who is this lady and why is those guys afraid of her?
     
         

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    Senior Member Xylon's Avatar
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    saraisthebest! #henrikisevil
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    thats very brief for a starting chapter xD that is definitely not a tongue!!!!
     
         

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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Solf J. Kimblee View Post
    OMG, it is going to be great a FF. I want more. It makes feel like I have read Roku or Micheal FF. Such mystery and suspense. Who is that guy? What is going on with the Hozuki and Kaguya clan? Who is this lady and why is those guys afraid of her?
    Hey Solf I am going to torture you now I already know the ending. MUAHAHAHAHA.
     
         

  6. #6
    The Blind One Lili-Chwan's Avatar
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    All my chapters will be pretty brief, I warn you guys xD
     
         

  7. #7
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Loved it. Love your description. Love how this is going. Love the use of "taste related" adjectives throughout. Love it. Good job.

    *remembers his own FF*

    Yeah... I feel ashamed now
     
         

  8. #8
    Senior Member Noni's Avatar
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    I'd post another rap lyric,
    but that is too predictable
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    I love how you while reading this, I had the image of everything what was happening in my head. Like I was reading a actual manga ! The attention to detail is great, also its awesome that its brief leaves more chapters to read !
    Very nice job keep it up.
     
         

  9. #9
    The Blind One Lili-Chwan's Avatar
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Scorps View Post
    Loved it. Love your description. Love how this is going. Love the use of "taste related" adjectives throughout. Love it. Good job.

    *remembers his own FF*

    Yeah... I feel ashamed now
    Your FF has a soundtrack and is about three times as big as mine xD

    Quote Originally Posted by noni1997 View Post
    I love how you while reading this, I had the image of everything what was happening in my head. Like I was reading a actual manga ! The attention to detail is great, also its awesome that its brief leaves more chapters to read !
    Very nice job keep it up.
    Thank you very much, I appreciate it
     
         

  10. #10
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Short and well-written. I don't like the sound of 'an Hozuki', but I guess that's what happens when Japanese and English is mixed up.
    I'm not a big fan of the candy-references, actually. They don't fit with the theme I get from the fic .-. Clear as sugar? When people just got mauled a by a monster? The Candymaker? A 'caramelized' human hand instead of 'burned'?
    It's well-written, but you should consider your language versus your theme.
     
         

  11. #11
    The Blind One Lili-Chwan's Avatar
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Zero Kelvin View Post
    Short and well-written. I don't like the sound of 'an Hozuki', but I guess that's what happens when Japanese and English is mixed up.
    I'm not a big fan of the candy-references, actually. They don't fit with the theme I get from the fic .-. Clear as sugar? When people just got mauled a by a monster? The Candymaker? A 'caramelized' human hand instead of 'burned'?
    It's well-written, but you should consider your language versus your theme.
    I think you'll find some of those descriptions a bit more literal than you'd like them to be.

    As for Ota's manner of speech, I'm not perfectly happy with that expression. I might change it to "Sugar-clear", for lack of better one. But there's one thing you have to have in mind, he is the leader of the settlement which is on the brick of chaos and panic. He needs to be as comforting and encouraging as possible, and even though there's a mass murder in play, euphemisms like "Revenge will be sweet" and "sugar-clear", serves greatly to appease the crowd.
     
         

  12. #12
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Great chapter, my only complaint is make future chapters longer xD

    Being a fan of both the Hozuki and Kayuga, its interesting to get a deeper insight into both clans, almost as if this is an extension of the series itself. I also think I've worked out the abilities of your future clan if it relates to the candy maker in the slightest .
     
         

  13. #13
    The Blind One Lili-Chwan's Avatar
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Negative Knight View Post
    Great chapter, my only complaint is make future chapters longer xD

    Being a fan of both the Hozuki and Kayuga, its interesting to get a deeper insight into both clans, almost as if this is an extension of the series itself. I also think I've worked out the abilities of your future clan if it relates to the candy maker in the slightest .
    By the end, the chapters are a bit longer. I have to say, though, next chapter is quite small... I might just release 2 and 3 together
     
         

  14. #14
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Interesting... this somehow made me... hungry
     
         

  15. #15
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    I have to say, I disagree with Zero. I enjoy the "sweet" descriptions and "candy-references" as he called them. They give the mystery quite a bit more of dark yet whimsical mood, and I do enjoy frivolous foreboding.
    Also, the syntax and dialect is well-realized. It, at least, doesn't feel forced.

    Well done, Lili-chan. I expect great things from this. It's interesting so far and succinct, and I can't wait to see what's next.
     
         

  16. #16
    The Blind One Lili-Chwan's Avatar
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    I'm starting to feel the pressure... I just hope the next couple of chapters don't disappoint xD
     
         

  17. #17
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Damn your English skills are great! O__O
    I'll give you top grade on that for sure...

    Now on to the story... For a Prologue/First chapter (I didn't quite get which it was suppose to be, but it seemed to be both), I think the length is fine. Opening chapters shouldn't be too long anyways, but otherwise, the length could perhaps have been a bit longer, without being too long (*Points at Roku* He invented the FF "length scale-" which is the scale you should measure your FF up against... Meaning, if you're close to him, then you're on to something). I guess it comes down to "short chapters-fast releases" vs. "big chapters-slower releases."

    I've personally tried both, and I must say that both ways are acceptable, though trying to find a mix between both terms is often the best way to go at it in my opinion.

    The introduction is mysterious, giving off some description of the characters, yet keeping a lot of the plot hidden, and I think you did great catching the readers interest, and the characters felt strong and true to their content.
    Other than that, not much to say at this point, though the narration, the interaction between the characters, as well as the description of the surroundings and the characters themselves were great.
    I'll rate it 4/5 ^_^

    Quote Originally Posted by Solf J. Kimblee View Post
    OMG, it is going to be great a FF. I want more. It makes feel like I have read Roku or Micheal FF. Such mystery and suspense. Who is that guy? What is going on with the Hozuki and Kaguya clan? Who is this lady and why is those guys afraid of her?
    What?? O__O The first time I'm checking up a new FF in ages, and I find my own FF being mentioned there, haha xD
    I'm not really that great you know, as I'm always focusing on the stories over how well I write (I can't pretend I don't try my best though, haha xD), because my writing skill will never be my strong point, not in English anyways.
     
         
    Last edited by Michael92; 06-08-2013 at 06:09 PM.

  18. #18
    The Blind One Lili-Chwan's Avatar
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Thanks for your input. I was going for a 1 chapter a week release. But maybe that's taking too long. I have all the story written either way, it's just a matter of when to release it xD
     
         

  19. #19
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Lili-Chwan View Post
    Thanks for your input. I was going for a 1 chapter a week release. But maybe that's taking too long. I have all the story written either way, it's just a matter of when to release it xD
    If they are this size, two chapters a week should be fine, if they're bigger, then once a week is sufficient. Depending on how much time you want to give each chapter to "shine" I guess
     
         

  20. #20
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    Re: [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

    O_o I liked it. The descriptions and what not were well written and it gave me a sense of what the scenery and people were like.
    Will this be solely about the Hozuki clan and Kaguya? Is like to see the seven swords in this somewhere since It's about the mist.
    All in all, it was pretty good and I'm looking forward to seeing how this story unfolds...
     
         

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