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    ǝsɔoɹdııns Escorpiius's Avatar
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    "I'm suprised you know
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    The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Chapter 1 - Aberration


    Ayumi walked up the worn-out stone steps outside of the block that included Kaede's prison. Azuma was leading the way, dragging a nonchalant, chained and still blindfolded Kaede behind him. Azuma stared towards a heavy metalized door of what looked like a old-rugged tower that he unlocked. Azuma, as a gesture, let Ayumi enter first and then pleased himself by dragging Kaede by his hair into the tower. They all walked through a long alley before reaching the center-room.

    Ayumi: That will do! Azuma, is it? Could you please remove the blindfolding mask of our prisoner?

    Azuma obliged himself ungratefully as Kaede had a cheeky smile on his lips as he saw light after a long time.

    Ayumi: Thank you. Now, could you wait outside the tower and lock the door? I'd prefer some privacy talk with the Prisoner No. 329.

    Azuma: But he's one of the most elite criminals. That's...

    Ayumi: It's an order and don't worry about his security. I'll handle it and in any case, his hands and feet are still cuffed.

    Kaede: Come on, the madame just gave you an order. Don't tell me your brain takes so much time to decipher it.

    Azuma: Insolent bastard...you...

    Kaede's smile was growing more and more wicked; as the fancy sight of an enraged Azuma gave him even more pleasure. Azuma, meanwhile walked away through the alley as a loud thud was heard seconds later.

    Ayumi: I guess, we are now all alone!

    Kaede: Kinky choice of words but given that I perceive no distinct quiverings on your body, I suppose those words weren't made out of any sexual urge from your side.

    Ayumi: You are impertinent but I do like your brazen attitude. But indeed, I'm here to talk more serious issues.

    Kaede: I'm all yours; though I suppose you wouldn't find me less appealing if I sit down while you explain to me, why my second visitor in nine years' captivity is an elegantly sumptuous lady, who happens to also be the Chief Inspector of the CIA?

    Ayumi: I opted to be a gratifying visitor nonetheless for you. So, I hope you would co-operate with me.

    Kaede: Why not? Besides, breathing fresh oxygen air with an invigorating, polluted yet verdant, smell feels almost like a nectar for nostrils. So, if you plan on visiting me regularly, I courteously say, yes.

    Ayumi: Daily visits might be a heavy agenda. However, how about I provide you fresh air and liberty unconditionally?

    Kaede, who was perfunctory to Ayumi's talking till now, suddenly looked upon her with a brief smirk.

    Kaede: ...I'm tempted to smile right now but I'd rather hear the whole deal.

    Ayumi: I'm glad you finally want to hear business. So, here's the undisguised pact - you help the CIA with your skills and I'll provide you a new spotless life.

    The aloofness in Kaede faded completely by now, as his eyes gazed onto her with more vigor, to judge her honesty.

    Kaede: Ayumi-san, I'm elated of your noble thoughts to lead me back to an enlightened living-hood but being only an Inspector, you should target reachable goals.

    Ayumi: Meaning?

    Kaede: Don't play dumb. This prison is a secret base from the eye of world but since you came to my whereabouts, I'm positive that you do have a minimum of knowledge about why I'm here and how I can't be a part of normal population. I'm an...

    Ayumi: ...an anomaly.

    Ayumi slowly pulled out a file-record from her vest, as Kaede gave her a forlorn gaze, that was a sad affirmation from his side, to what Ayumi just said. Ayumi, then pursued by reading some of the information from the file.

    Ayumi: Kaede Shindou. Age - 27. Reason of captivity: Top-Secret. Percept Grade: Top-Secret. Sensyl Average Value: 3. Even if I already deciphered what is kept as 'Top-Secret', I'm sure the swift talker that you are, will gladly remove the classified information.

    Ayumi provoked Kaede with eye-contact and even if she guessed that Kaede wasn't elated by now, the latter sighed with an alluring stoicism as he began exclaiming with a heavier tone.

    Kaede: The reason of my captivity is because I'm a potential cataclysmic trigger of chaos. I'm a chained, locked-away aberration for the sake of humanity. An aberration who can make this rotten society transform from a utopian one into an absolute dystopia. An aberration who can make the world's bogus peace crumbles within instants. An aberration who, by fate, defied the principles of Sensyl Mutation with an average Sensyl Average Value of 3 but a Percept Grade of 0.

    Kaede clung on to his serene look but one didn't required advanced senses to guess how he was enraged inside.

    Ayumi: You're no aberration, Kaede. What you are, is a once-in-a-lifetime prodigy who has been unfairly sealed away into oblivion by a cowardly justice system.

    Kaede: No matter how sincere your sympathy is, you cannot help me. You serve that same cowardly justice system while I'm a recluse whose destiny is to rot here. Our paths will never be inter-connected.

    Ayumi: Your inherent skills are meant to serve for the good cause, Kaede. You were blessed with an oddity, so that you could become a hero of this era.

    Kaede: This is impossi...

    Ayumi: Drop your pessimists thoughts and stop being such a wussy. Your tragic and cynical poker-face ain't gonna make me turn away. You are meant for greater heroics than staying in a ghost jail for the rest of your life.

    Kaede looked upon Ayumi - a girl who had just flabbergasted him with hard-hitting words that sounded like pure fantasy mouthing; yet his eyes wasn't noticing any sign of fraudulence in her. Deep inside his soul that was forged with narcissism, he knew that whatever she blattered, were words that were her beliefs in the truest and purest form.

    Kaede: Even if you're delusional, suppose I believe that you may indeed provide me a new prospect in life. Still, I'm certain that most of the CIA force is filled with agents having nearly all, at minimum Sensyl Value: 3. So, why did you choose me?

    Ayumi: Because you are unique.

    Kaede: I may be an exception who, not only did not have to lose any of his senses but also mutated all my senses to Sensyl Value: 3. But logically speaking, you can easily form a crew of Sensyl Value: 3 agents who would compensate for each other. Why am I such a necessity?

    Ayumi: What I'm after is your knowledge; not your skills. You have something that no assemblage of top-notch agents could provide me.

    Ayumi's lauding was definitely flattering Kaede. Knowing that someone requires you while you were treated like shit for years, gives altogether a blissful feeling that Kaede was trying not to succumb into as he replied with a wry smile.

    Kaede: Apart from my abilities and drop-dead gorgeous body, I wonder what do I have more than them?

    Ayumi: They cannot reveal to me what happened on Yukishima Island 9 years ago.

    Kaede's body froze literally as he was suddenly realizing what was the reason Ayumi truly sought after him.

    Kaede: You should not venture yourself into exploring those territories...

    Ayumi: My territory is to protect the people and knowing what happened there, is crucial for the continuation of mankind.

    Ayumi psych out Kaede completely and there was nothing that Kaede detested more than losing the upper-hand.

    Kaede: How much can a story of the past help mankind?

    Ayumi: This story is the only true speaking lead we've got on "him".

    Kaede: "Him"?

    Ayumi: A nameless devil to the world. Whether he's a myth or the most fearsome face of this era is still unknown but most higher-ups secretly understand that he is linked somehow behind most criminal atrocities. Ever since the Isfet Impact, amount of felonies and homicides decreased considerably. However, in the past decades, there has been a worrying increase. The CIA now got a 13.4% of unresolved criminal cases; compared to a feeble 1.9% around a decade ago.

    Kaede: So, that's the real reason you need me? Because CIA has been slacking off in past 10 years and I would be a nice recruit?

    Ayumi: The cases are not unresolved because of slackness. They are unresolved because they are all perfect crimes - without witness, without evidence, without any lead. And this rise can all be attributed to that one incognito face of terror. We can, no more, rest on our laurels because slowly, we cannot hide those rates of crimes anymore. Words of the unrestrained devil are slowly buzzing and some even named him the Azazel Enigma.

    Kaede: Even if there is an Azazel Enigma who is somekind of modern devil, what is the relation with Yukishima Island and me?

    Ayumi: Because the tales of atrocity of The Azazel Enigma intensified some short time after an 18-year old feeble boy was found under debris of total carnage by a special CIA task force in the small ravaged Yukishima Island. Though I have no concrete proof, I'm confident that the Azazel Enigma's true legacy took off on that day.

    Kaede knew that he finally got swerved towards what Ayumi was aiming all this time. However, before he could create a vacuum for Ayumi's spoken words, buried memories resurfaced. Flashes of bloody carnage scenes, carcasses sloshing, incendiary destruction & screams of despair were invading his head along with nefarious glances of the dead. In that phantasm of his, he saw a dying man saying some last mute words and a egregious smile before he finally got a hold of himself. Kaede started sweating for the first time as he tried to speak.

    Kaede: Tt-t-hhe-re is no d-devil. No Azazel Enigma. Consider it a myth and leave me alone...

    Ayumi didn't missed a glance on how Kaede stammered. On the other side, Kaede got the drift that Ayumi trapped him. It was, as if both his rooks and knights were gone and as much as this pissed him off, right now, all that he could do, was to stall off Ayumi's checkmate.

    Ayumi: You cannot rebuff me after coming all along. You are the sole witness of that fateful day and you are perhaps the sole living witness who may know something about him. Whatever it is, his face, name, acts, anything...

    Kaede: You are wasting your time, I can't tell anything about that. My lips are sealed.

    Ayumi: Help yourself, Kaede. You have saw the light moments ago - a glimpse of hope of being a hero. I beg of you - lend us your help to capture the Azazel Enigma.

    Kaede: I cannot tell a word about that.

    Ayumi: Please, your confession can provide you a new life. In fact, apart from freedom, I can even provide you money, luxuries...

    Kaede: I'm grateful that you gave me a momentary chance to regain a new life and to give me a new purpose. However, nothing that you may add, can make me break my silence.

    Ayumi: Proving that you are an aberration that is fated to lead the world to its salvation; and not its havoc. Is that purpose not sufficient for you? What is it that you are unwilling to reveal more of that day's incident?

    Desperation was heavily emphasized on every sentence of Ayumi now. Kaede ended up, conceding that it's for his betterment that he forgets that he did have an elusive chance out of this jail. His resolve to keep his secret, was absolute - even if it was to his, to Ayumi and to perhaps mankind's detriment.

    Kaede: I have my own reasons; for which I must let those events remain concealed. Your offer doesn't weigh enough to derail me off my decision.

    Ayumi: And if I were to add a further "something" to this deal.

    Kaede: Extravagance in life doesn't tempt me.

    Ayumi: And how about meeting your blood-related brother that you never knew?

    In a complete swoop, Kaede felt as if Ayumi sent a thunderbolt arrow right through his heart. He was lurid of how Ayumi used a cheap move against him, in what was seemed like a pitiful attempt to floor him.

    Kaede: What the hell are you talking about? Stop bluffing with me! I don't have any brother...

    Ayumi: What happened to your perceptive eyes and smell? If I'm bluffing, you should be able to sense it, don't you?

    Kaede was dumb-founded. Astounded. Completely dazed. He comprehended how he indeed didn't analyzed Ayumi at all, this time. But not only was he bowled out of words, his sharp mind wasn't functioning anymore as Ayumi kept her onslaught.

    Ayumi: How do you think that I was able to know of your existence, trace you back and even know about a 9-years old incident which dates before I joined the CIA...

    Kaede: There must be some records or some sort...

    Ayumi: There's no dossier. No file. Nothing. Nearly all information around you are either classified as top-secret or they have been vanquished.

    Kaede: This cannot be! You must be tricking me by some means. I do not have any siblings. I don't even have any family ties anymore.

    Ayumi: You have a brother, Kaede. I'm not lying to you - I swear to God! You do have a brother!

    'You have a brother! You have a brother'! - those sentences were reverberating in an unceasing echo.

    Ayumi: I cannot add any additional factors in my deal to you. This is my last token - I give you the sole opportunity to not only get out of here, to not only prove yourself as a hero but also to meet your brother who is your last bond in this world.

    Kaede: ....

    Kaede maintained his silence. Ayumi had just checkmated him using a swift heap of emotion slice.

    Ayumi: So what would it be?

    Kaede had underestimated Ayumi and her tactful approach. Besides that frail, poise and gorgeous face that preaches for help, resided a cerebral genius. He was cornered to accept her deal. Not that he didn't wanted to go out but this shouldn't have been at the cost of revealing the secrets of Yukishima Island. But now, he was lured by a potential meeting with a brother that he never heard of. The possibility of reuniting himself with the last bond of his life. His fraternal bond was over weighing the bond of secret with Yukishima Island.

    Kaede: I agree to help the CIA in the Azazel Enigma enquiry and I will give you a recount of what happened on Yukishima Island, only if I get to know my brother first.

    Ayumi: You will get to know your brother, only when the CIA will have its hands on the Azazel Enigma.

    Kaede: You need to know the events of the past to get a lead on the Azazel Enigma. So, you better give me what I want.

    Ayumi: Suppose I accept your conditions, what guarantee do I have that you'll still help us once you get to know your brother? Clearly, your love for your brother is greater than the love to help society. How can I believe the words of such a man with barely any scrupulosity?

    Kaede: It's rhetorical, Ayumi-san. What guarantee do I have of an inspector who is a bluff expert and who serves a corrupted system?

    Ayumi: And what if I do give you a guarantee?

    Kaede: What will you do? Swear to God? Take a vow?

    Ayumi: I'll give you concrete proof that your brother does exists. Once you get to know this, I'm confident you would understand that I spoke no lies to you today. As a return gesture, you would reveal the events of Yukishima Island and once - and only, once - we got hold on the Azazel Enigma, I'll give you more than proof of your brother's existence. Fairer deal, don't you think so?

    Kaede was erupting of jealousy towards Ayumi - how she kept swerving him on every naivety he committed. Yet, he had nothing to lose now. If Ayumi truly had proof of his brother's existence, then he would feel less remorse to reveal his secrets.

    Kaede: Let's shake hands, Ayumi-san.

    Kaede and Ayumi walked towards each other and made a pact by shaking hands, when a last thought struck Kaede.

    Kaede: By the way, Ayumi-san, now that I have agreed to help, how do I go back into society? With the Sensyl Chip, I would instantly attract all the drones and police forces due to my anomaly value. Not to mention that you have proposed me to help the CIA, where the Crime Branch Office would be full of those drones and more.

    Ayumi: I've think of two alternatives - it's up to you to choose which you prefer.

    Kaede was skeptical but given that Ayumi is far more shrewd than what she looked, he decided to believe in her.

    Kaede: So what are the ideas?

    Ayumi: The first one is that you, me and a small group will be exclusive enquirers on the Azazel Enigma Case. In that way, you'll constantly be in migration; in preferably private transports and houses, so that no drones analyse your Sensyl Values and Percept Grade.

    Kaede: Cool idea but how are we supposed to catch a 'perfect' criminal - that we're yet to determine its existence - who leaves no evidences, without full-usage of the Crime Branch resources?

    Ayumi: Then, how about Option 2?

    Kaede: Which is?

    Ayumi, all at once, wore a nasty evil smile on her face as she removed one metallic hair clip that was holding her dark-brown chevelure.

    Ayumi: I'm glad you asked. The Option 2 is...

    She then clicked on a lighter and Kaede made back-steps.

    Ayumi: ...to change your Percept Grade.

    Kaede was a bit perplexed about Ayumi's idea but most of all, he was terrified as Ayumi's hair was disheveled as she was holding a lighter in one hand and a hair clip in the other, that almost looked like a knife.

    Ayumi: It's a childish theory, Kaede-kun. Your Percept Grade is nil and is non-compatible with your Sensyl Value: 3 since all your five senses work. However, if we were to remove two of your senses, then it would, no more, pose any problem, will it?

    Ayumi's sangfroid was freezing Kaede's blood on the spot. He knew that she could be wickedly cunning but now, he was spooked with her intense heartless rationalization; as she was heating up her hair clip with the lighter.

    Kaede: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

    Ayumi: You still haven't guessed, Kaede-kun? I thought you were more perceptive and intelligent. I, who thought so high of you. I'm heating the clip so that I could get the job done. By common sense, I can only remove your sight and hearing senses. That's why I'm making the clip piping-hot as I heard that it hurt less.

    Kaede quickly retreated backwards out of fear. He was hoping that his sharp eyes were deceiving him and that unlike what he was perceiving, Ayumi was not serious about it.

    Kaede: B-b-b-ut, d-d-i-d-dn't you c-came here because I have extra abilities? It would be a shame to destroy them, won't it?

    Ayumi: But wasn't it you who said that a small batch of good CIA agents would be better than you?

    Kaede: T-that was a joke. I think, I'll choose Alternative 1 afterall. It shouldn't be too difficult to catch up a criminal while moving, when I re-think of it.

    Ayumi: You sure?

    Kaede: Yes, yes!

    Ayumi stared at him with nefarious eyes before getting back to her calmer self. Kaede sighed as Ayumi threw the clip away and he realized how scary Ayumi can be. Given all devilish attributes of Ayumi, Kaede started hoping that his brother better be someone grateful and lovable - for all the risk Kaede was taking by sticking with Ayumi. He wiped his sweats and started walking through the exit alley alongside Ayumi.

    Kaede: My God, you are one wild girl when you want. I wonder, what the guys go through in bed, with you?

    Ayumi: Kaede-kun, you're my subordinate now. So, you better stop those flirty lines or I will go and pick back that hair clip. And this time, I'm gonna shove it somewhere else than your eyeballs.

    Kaede gave a dry smile back to Ayumi and nodded in affirmation to Ayumi.

    Kaede: So, where are we going for the first step of the enquiry?

    Ayumi: You shall know very soon...


    ~END OF CHAPTER~


    Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2
     
         
    Last edited by Escorpiius; 07-02-2013 at 04:12 PM.

  2. #2
    Legendary Sage of Konoha Michael92's Avatar
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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    First of all, the humor of this soon to be epic is nailed perfectly xD I love Kaede's cocky, almost arrogant attitude, especially with that sexual comment at the beginning

    "Kaede: I'm all yours; though I suppose you wouldn't find me less appealing that I sit down while you explain to me, why my second visitor in nine years' captivity is an elegantly sumptuous lady, who happens to also be the Chief Inspector of the CIA?"

    Now we both know that you're way better than me in English, but I felt that this sentence was better read if you changed "that" with "if" Thoughts?

    "Ayumi slowly pulled out a file-record from her vest, as Kaede gave her a forlorn gaze to her, that was a sad affirmation from his side, to what Ayumi just said. Ayumi, then pursued by reading some of the information from the file."

    Wouldn't it be better if you dropped one of the "her" in this sentence? I mean, it reads kind of repetitively.

    I'm not here to point out things however as this chapter really kicked off something I'll believe to be a truly great story. Not too advance, but not too simple either. With proper reading, it's fully understandable and the use of English is marvelous, just excellent! Your use of references in your dialogue/narrative is something quite else too, and I especially spotted that Chess reference, which was a nice refreshing way of explaining.

    Other random points;
    I swear I was thinking that she was about to offer him a kiss to sweeten the deal, haha

    It feels like they're kind of destined to pair up in the unforeseen future, but who knows.

    I don't know why, but I kind off get a vibe from two other pieces while reading this. One is the TV series Castle (don't know if you've heard of it, but I've seen a couple of episodes on tv), where the detective (a female of course) is paired up with an Author of Crime books (which the murderer obviously has chosen as his "lay out" for his murders), and after the first episode, he becomes a regular, working with her (drawing inspiration for his books, helping out solving cases). It's not too similar, but it kind of felt the same, at least connection wise between the characters.

    Then we have the other one, which is Kishimoto Sensei's One Shot, Mario (don't know if you've read it?). For some reason, the main character kind off reminded me of Mario, and although the girl doesn't remind me too much of the girl in Mario, I kind of sensed the same "bonding" between them as in Kishi's work. Just some thoughts thrown out there.

    Anyways, overall the chapter was great. At first, it looked small-decent, but I think it's more decent-long, which I like
    I had a feeling Kaede would say no, and that Ayumi had to return two more times (don't suppose you've heard about the "Three Visits?") to persuade him. One more thing, one thing that would have made this chapter perfect, is if Azuma were to escort them out, having Kaede's chains removed, only to get a cocky comment from Kaede, but other than that. It was great. Notify me when the next one is up bro
     
         
    Last edited by Michael92; 06-16-2013 at 02:16 AM. Reason: Epic Review Added.

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Why no male to female bonding? He could have at least tried to escape and she tackled him without her CIA fighting. Just some drama. Honestly, it was all talk and no action.
     
         

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    Legendary Sage of Konoha Michael92's Avatar
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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Kichiro Fujimoto View Post
    Why no male to female bonding? He could have at least tried to escape and she tackled him without her CIA fighting. Just some drama. Honestly, it was all talk and no action.
    Haha, that could have happened, although it would have worked against the purpose of Kaede's character, as well as the build up of this first chapter (in my opinion at least).

    Ps: What happened to your post on the prologue?? Did you delete it?

    Edit: @Escorpiius - Was the Sci-Fi tag only suppose to be at the prologue thread (reasonably as it's the prologue thread) or did you forget to put it on this one??
    I know I know, a lot of questions to answer xD But at least that's better than nothing, right?
     
         
    Last edited by Michael92; 06-16-2013 at 02:17 AM.

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    ǝsɔoɹdııns Escorpiius's Avatar
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    "I'm suprised you know
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    way, will you be eating that
    cake?”
     



    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael92 View Post
    First of all, the humor of this soon to be epic is nailed perfectly xD I love Kaede's cocky, almost arrogant attitude, especially with that sexual comment at the beginning

    "Kaede: I'm all yours; though I suppose you wouldn't find me less appealing that I sit down while you explain to me, why my second visitor in nine years' captivity is an elegantly sumptuous lady, who happens to also be the Chief Inspector of the CIA?"

    Now we both know that you're way better than me in English, but I felt that this sentence was better read if you changed "that" with "if" Thoughts?

    "Ayumi slowly pulled out a file-record from her vest, as Kaede gave her a forlorn gaze to her, that was a sad affirmation from his side, to what Ayumi just said. Ayumi, then pursued by reading some of the information from the file."

    Wouldn't it be better if you dropped one of the "her" in this sentence? I mean, it reads kind of repetitively.

    I'm not here to point out things however as this chapter really kicked off something I'll believe to be a truly great story. Not too advance, but not too simple either. With proper reading, it's fully understandable and the use of English is marvelous, just excellent! Your use of references in your dialogue/narrative is something quite else too, and I especially spotted that Chess reference, which was a nice refreshing way of explaining.

    Other random points;
    I swear I was thinking that she was about to offer him a kiss to sweeten the deal, haha

    It feels like they're kind of destined to pair up in the unforeseen future, but who knows.

    I don't know why, but I kind off get a vibe from two other pieces while reading this. One is the TV series Castle (don't know if you've heard of it, but I've seen a couple of episodes on tv), where the detective (a female of course) is paired up with an Author of Crime books (which the murderer obviously has chosen as his "lay out" for his murders), and after the first episode, he becomes a regular, working with her (drawing inspiration for his books, helping out solving cases). It's not too similar, but it kind of felt the same, at least connection wise between the characters.

    Then we have the other one, which is Kishimoto Sensei's One Shot, Mario (don't know if you've read it?). For some reason, the main character kind off reminded me of Mario, and although the girl doesn't remind me too much of the girl in Mario, I kind of sensed the same "bonding" between them as in Kishi's work. Just some thoughts thrown out there.

    Anyways, overall the chapter was great. At first, it looked small-decent, but I think it's more decent-long, which I like
    I had a feeling Kaede would say no, and that Ayumi had to return two more times (don't suppose you've heard about the "Three Visits?") to persuade him. One more thing, one thing that would have made this chapter perfect, is if Azuma were to escort them out, having Kaede's chains removed, only to get a cocky comment from Kaede, but other than that. It was great. Notify me when the next one is up bro
    at soon-to-be-epic...I wish, I wish

    Glad you loved it. To be honest, it wasn't easy to induce humor in this FF as it's a relatively dark premise; with lots of talking and explanation.. The only way to connect humor was to make the characters and their personalities connect to the readers. Since you appreciated Kaede, I suppose that it worked in both ways ^.^ As a writer, Kaede's character is a great fun to write; right from the Prologue.

    Both sentences correction are right. As I said to Chakra Wizard on my Prologue, blame the poor proofreading from my side, due to late time and tiredness. Should have noticed both mistakes - was arguably not concentrated enough. I'll be editing it - thanks

    Well, the 'Not too advance, but not too simple either' is something I tried to aim for. I established a lot of things and build-up quite a few stuffs in this but given that it was dialogue-heavy, it was important to draw a line between advanced and verbose.

    I do hope the Chess reference was good and without major flaw. I'm pretty much a newbie in chess, so yeah...

    Ayumi and Kaede, destined for the future? I mean, who knows But I tried to build an alchemy between the two and both are main characters.

    I've heard of both Castle and Mario. I've never read Mario and I may have catch up inadvertently with random Castle episodes on TV. But I haven't been inspired by any of those. I think there'll be some shades of some different animes though. Not really in reference or a direct lift-off, but perhaps some traits in characters or psychology of some character.

    For example, there is some shades of Tokuchi Toua from One Outs in Kaede. There is also some tint in structure to most psychological animes created by Madhouse. Studios. Oh, and I can't deny that there is quite some resemblance with Psycho-Pass; especially since the genre is pretty identical.

    Decent-long? Don't know if you noticed but this is the longest chapter I've written till date. I guess, you write those lengths so often that everything pales nowadays in front of your chapters' length

    I toyed heavily with the idea of a last Azuma-Kaede's interaction at the end but I thought that your keen eye would notice that I ended the Chapter 1 & Prologue "similarly".

    Anyways, thanks for the feedback. As a first chapter of mine, I obviously got lots of apprehension about how it will clicked with the readers - especially the main characters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael92 View Post
    Haha, that could have happened, although it would have worked against the purpose of Kaede's character, as well as the build up of this first chapter (in my opinion at least).

    Ps: What happened to your post on the prologue?? Did you delete it?

    Edit: @Escorpiius - Was the Sci-Fi tag only suppose to be at the prologue thread (reasonably as it's the prologue thread) or did you forget to put it on this one??
    I know I know, a lot of questions to answer xD But at least that's better than nothing, right?
    I won't really have gone to the contrary of Kaede's character but yes, the verbal face-off was something more suitable for Kaede and especially for Ayumi.

    I didn't add the Sci-Fi tags because this chapter has few Sci-fi slices. This chapter was mainly a psychological mystery, if you look at it carefully; as it had some Sci-fi touch and some fleeting moments of drama/comedy. In a way, I thought that it was wise to leave this Chapter without tag.

    My FF's main genre is Sci-fi thriller; set in a post-apocalyptic medium. Still, not all my chapters will go heavy on that. There'll be moments of mystery, psychological, drama, comedy, action, drama - perhaps even, romance

    Quote Originally Posted by Kichiro Fujimoto View Post
    Why no male to female bonding? He could have at least tried to escape and she tackled him without her CIA fighting. Just some drama. Honestly, it was all talk and no action.
    Well, this is something that I'd take as fair criticism. I knew, since the start, that since my FF will rely much more on talk than action.

    And I thought, I tried to put forward how Kaede is not a desperate character by any means. So, trying to force an escape - that's just not his style.

    Anycase, thanks for reading and the feedback.
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Escorpiius View Post
    at soon-to-be-epic...I wish, I wish

    Glad you loved it. To be honest, it wasn't easy to induce humor in this FF as it's a relatively dark premise; with lots of talking and explanation.. The only way to connect humor was to make the characters and their personalities connect to the readers. Since you appreciated Kaede, I suppose that it worked in both ways ^.^ As a writer, Kaede's character is a great fun to write; right from the Prologue.

    Both sentences correction are right. As I said to Chakra Wizard on my Prologue, blame the poor proofreading from my side, due to late time and tiredness. Should have noticed both mistakes - was arguably not concentrated enough. I'll be editing it - thanks

    Well, the 'Not too advance, but not too simple either' is something I tried to aim for. I established a lot of things and build-up quite a few stuffs in this but given that it was dialogue-heavy, it was important to draw a line between advanced and verbose.

    I do hope the Chess reference was good and without major flaw. I'm pretty much a newbie in chess, so yeah...

    Ayumi and Kaede, destined for the future? I mean, who knows But I tried to build an alchemy between the two and both are main characters.

    I've heard of both Castle and Mario. I've never read Mario and I may have catch up inadvertently with random Castle episodes on TV. But I haven't been inspired by any of those. I think there'll be some shades of some different animes though. Not really in reference or a direct lift-off, but perhaps some traits in characters or psychology of some character.

    For example, there is some shades of Tokuchi Toua from One Outs in Kaede. There is also some tint in structure to most psychological animes created by Madhouse. Studios. Oh, and I can't deny that there is quite some resemblance with Psycho-Pass; especially since the genre is pretty identical.

    Decent-long? Don't know if you noticed but this is the longest chapter I've written till date. I guess, you write those lengths so often that everything pales nowadays in front of your chapters' length

    I toyed heavily with the idea of a last Azuma-Kaede's interaction at the end but I thought that your keen eye would notice that I ended the Chapter 1 & Prologue "similarly".

    Anyways, thanks for the feedback. As a first chapter of mine, I obviously got lots of apprehension about how it will clicked with the readers - especially the main characters.



    I won't really have gone to the contrary of Kaede's character but yes, the verbal face-off was something more suitable for Kaede and especially for Ayumi.

    I didn't add the Sci-Fi tags because this chapter has few Sci-fi slices. This chapter was mainly a psychological mystery, if you look at it carefully; as it had some Sci-fi touch and some fleeting moments of drama/comedy. In a way, I thought that it was wise to leave this Chapter without tag.

    My FF's main genre is Sci-fi thriller; set in a post-apocalyptic medium. Still, not all my chapters will go heavy on that. There'll be moments of mystery, psychological, drama, comedy, action, drama - perhaps even, romance



    Well, this is something that I'd take as fair criticism. I knew, since the start, that since my FF will rely much more on talk than action.

    And I thought, I tried to put forward how Kaede is not a desperate character by any means. So, trying to force an escape - that's just not his style.

    Anycase, thanks for reading and the feedback.
    Side note first; Something I forgot to mention, but I also kind of got a Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) vibe of Kaede =p
    And I also felt some supernatural vibe about the whole thing too, which is good, haha

    From my reply in the prologue, and from how you explained it to ChakraW, here's what I meant;

    "Kaede: The reason of my captivity is because I'm a potential cataclysmic trigger of chaos. I'm a chained, locked-away aberration for the sake of humanity. An aberration who can make this rotten society transform from a utopian one into an absolute dystopia. An aberration who can make the world's bogus peace crumbles within instants. An aberration who, by fate, defied the principles of Sensyl Mutation with an average Sensyl Average Value of 3 but a Percept Grade of 0."

    "Ayumi: It's a childish theory, Kaede-kun. Your Percept Grade is nil and is non-compatible with your Sensyl Value: 3 since all your five senses work. However, if we were to remove two of your senses, then it would, no more, pose any problem, will it?"


    In your explanation to him, you said the value went from 1-5 and grade went from 0-4. But grade 0 was people who were not affected by the mutation, so in that case it should have been impossible for Kaede to mutate, if you know what I mean? xD He should have grade 1, as in affected, but have value 3 (I think you would have to extend the grades from 0-5, by having 0 as not affected at all, 1 at affected, but still having all five senses at 1, and then 2 with the loss of a sense, or perhaps change the explanation??).

    And still nothing to do with the reply, as I thought I would re-read this chapter one more time (due to it being very late yesterday, and my eyes were already very tired), so here's some more notes;

    1: The fact that Ayumi went from completely calm, almost "for the greater good" type of character, to just knock herself out, trying to poke Kaede's eyes out was hilarious (Itachi - Sasuke reference maybe?? xD ), and that she actually didn't bother to keep the hairpin was funny xD She had like a scary moment (I kind of pictured Kushina or Sakura getting mad here).

    2: Something that crossed my mind while reading. So in this universe, no one gets "mute" by the sensation, it's only the taste that is linked with the mouth, right?

    3: I'm curious to find out who this Azazel Enigma is. He most likely have some mutation of his own, perhaps even having grade 1 with value 5, making him super strong. He probably has some kind off mutation/deformed body parts, making him not look human. That's my prediction though. I also have a feeling we will see bits and bits of flashbacks to that dreadful day, eventually revealing the full story of what happened. I have a feeling it wasn't by coincidence why Kaede survived his attack, but perhaps he saw something familiar in Kaede, maybe he sensed that he was the same, the same abbreviation, and therefore spared his life. Although, he promised he would hunt Kaede down and kill him if he ever revealed something about him, and that's why Kaede's not only scared off him, but in reality couldn't say anything, in fear of him. I also feel like it's going to be a "I should have killed you back then" type of thing when they finally face off, or perhaps he's even an old friend of him or that he's his uncle or something (that only he knows). I'm wondering if I'm nailing any of these predictions of mine, haha xD

    4: I'm a bit confused about with Kaede was locked away.. .As far as I could grasp, it's because he's not like the rest, they locked him away in fear of what he might become, because he's "above" the average human being by not having any of his senses lost, but still having the value at 3, right? Kind of reminds me of something, like the story of Nelson Mandela or something. I can't really put my finger on it, but he's been locked away without actually doing anything wrong, but because he's abnormal, anomaly, a threat to the current race of human beings??

    Which leads me over to something else, regarding Azuma and Ayumi... Obviously none of them is blind nor deaf, meaning that if they have a value over 1, then that must mean that they either can't smell, taste or feel. Being as you said that only 7 or so % of the population were still "normal" with value and grade at 1, and I also take it that Kaede is special, and that not many are like him, so I'm guessing that Azuma can't smell (due to Kaede's comments about how he smell and that he couldn't have started to use womanly perfume), and that Ayumi can't taste or feel, I have a feeling it's the last one, but that would ruin all hope of romance between her and Kaede I suppose, haha xD

    5: The line about Ayumi shoving the hair clip up Kaede's ass was hilarious as well xD
    But that's not the final note I'll be making, I was thinking about the last segment of this chapter, where it was revealed that drones and CIA would track Kaede down due to his Sensyl Chip... This had me wonder what Ayumi said in the beginning when she offered Kaede freedom by helping the CIA out. As long as he has this chip of his, he'll never truly be free, will he?? I guess that propose a problem, and I don't think he'll sacrifice two senses at the end of this Fic, right? Or? Food for thought I guess.

    Now on to the actual quote...

    It sure will be... You know what, it has actually driven me crazy to start working on my own original work, although I know I have 20 other chapters + a movie standing in the way before I can, haha

    Yeah, I think I saw some "but(s)" without "," in front of it as well while reading through, but I'm not sure if they were intended to have "," or if they are correctly written that way (due to the build up of the sentence), so I choose to leave it out.

    I see, well knowing how good you are describing things, I don't think it will propose any problems

    I've become quite fond of chess lately, so I thought it was a nice add =p

    So you, as I, have take a peek at Castle then Then I guess you can relate. Regarding Mario, I've read all of Kishi's three one shots, but this one literally blew me away. It's what could have been instead of Naruto, and what can be after Naruto is finished. I got so inspired and pumped by reading it, that I almost feel it's sad that it's only a one shot, and not a complete manga and/or anime, as I would definitely have made that one my second to read/watch after Naruto. In other words, you definitely have to check it out, and perhaps you can related to it too as you FF might cross path with the same genre. Damn it, I want to write a Mario (not Super Mario for anyone else wondering, haha) FF now, haha

    I see... Well unfortunately, I'm not familiar with any of those.

    Haha, thinking twice of it, I think the reason is because this chapter doesn't have much spacing, meaning that each dialogue is filled with much info, making it look smaller. I guess it's pretty long after all, as it took some time reading and re-reading it If you haven't noticed, I usually write short chapters these days, in such a regard even Kyon complained about it, haha

    Well yeah, on a high note, if that's what you mean ;D

    You named drama twice, haha But yeah, I see and I understand ^_^

    Like I said earlier, next chapter is going to be as epic as this one I'm sure
     
         
    Last edited by Michael92; 06-16-2013 at 05:23 PM.

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael92 View Post
    Side note first; Something I forgot to mention, but I also kind of got a Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) vibe of Kaede =p
    And I also felt some supernatural vibe about the whole thing too, which is good, haha

    From my reply in the prologue, and from how you explained it to ChakraW, here's what I meant;

    "Kaede: The reason of my captivity is because I'm a potential cataclysmic trigger of chaos. I'm a chained, locked-away aberration for the sake of humanity. An aberration who can make this rotten society transform from a utopian one into an absolute dystopia. An aberration who can make the world's bogus peace crumbles within instants. An aberration who, by fate, defied the principles of Sensyl Mutation with an average Sensyl Average Value of 3 but a Percept Grade of 0."

    "Ayumi: It's a childish theory, Kaede-kun. Your Percept Grade is nil and is non-compatible with your Sensyl Value: 3 since all your five senses work. However, if we were to remove two of your senses, then it would, no more, pose any problem, will it?"


    In your explanation to him, you said the value went from 1-5 and grade went from 0-4. But grade 0 was people who were not affected by the mutation, so in that case it should have been impossible for Kaede to mutate, if you know what I mean? xD He should have grade 1, as in affected, but have value 3 (I think you would have to extend the grades from 0-5, by having 0 as not affected at all, 1 at affected, but still having all five senses at 1, and then 2 with the loss of a sense, or perhaps change the explanation??).

    And still nothing to do with the reply, as I thought I would re-read this chapter one more time (due to it being very late yesterday, and my eyes were already very tired), so here's some more notes;

    1: The fact that Ayumi went from completely calm, almost "for the greater good" type of character, to just knock herself out, trying to poke Kaede's eyes out was hilarious (Itachi - Sasuke reference maybe?? xD ), and that she actually didn't bother to keep the hairpin was funny xD She had like a scary moment (I kind of pictured Kushina or Sakura getting mad here).

    2: Something that crossed my mind while reading. So in this universe, no one gets "mute" by the sensation, it's only the taste that is linked with the mouth, right?

    3: I'm curious to find out who this Azazel Enigma is. He most likely have some mutation of his own, perhaps even having grade 1 with value 5, making him super strong. He probably has some kind off mutation/deformed body parts, making him not look human. That's my prediction though. I also have a feeling we will see bits and bits of flashbacks to that dreadful day, eventually revealing the full story of what happened. I have a feeling it wasn't by coincidence why Kaede survived his attack, but perhaps he saw something familiar in Kaede, maybe he sensed that he was the same, the same abbreviation, and therefore spared his life. Although, he promised he would hunt Kaede down and kill him if he ever revealed something about him, and that's why Kaede's not only scared off him, but in reality couldn't say anything, in fear of him. I also feel like it's going to be a "I should have killed you back then" type of thing when they finally face off, or perhaps he's even an old friend of him or that he's his uncle or something (that only he knows). I'm wondering if I'm nailing any of these predictions of mine, haha xD

    4: I'm a bit confused about with Kaede was locked away.. .As far as I could grasp, it's because he's not like the rest, they locked him away in fear of what he might become, because he's "above" the average human being by not having any of his senses lost, but still having the value at 3, right? Kind of reminds me of something, like the story of Nelson Mandela or something. I can't really put my finger on it, but he's been locked away without actually doing anything wrong, but because he's abnormal, anomaly, a threat to the current race of human beings??

    Which leads me over to something else, regarding Azuma and Ayumi... Obviously none of them is blind nor deaf, meaning that if they have a value over 1, then that must mean that they either can't smell, taste or feel. Being as you said that only 7 or so % of the population were still "normal" with value and grade at 1, and I also take it that Kaede is special, and that not many are like him, so I'm guessing that Azuma can't smell (due to Kaede's comments about how he smell and that he couldn't have started to use womanly perfume), and that Ayumi can't taste or feel, I have a feeling it's the last one, but that would ruin all hope of romance between her and Kaede I suppose, haha xD

    5: The line about Ayumi shoving the hair clip up Kaede's ass was hilarious as well xD
    But that's not the final note I'll be making, I was thinking about the last segment of this chapter, where it was revealed that drones and CIA would track Kaede down due to his Sensyl Chip... This had me wonder what Ayumi said in the beginning when she offered Kaede freedom by helping the CIA out. As long as he has this chip of his, he'll never truly be free, will he?? I guess that propose a problem, and I don't think he'll sacrifice two senses at the end of this Fic, right? Or? Food for thought I guess.

    Now on to the actual quote...

    It sure will be... You know what, it has actually driven me crazy to start working on my own original work, although I know I have 20 other chapters + a movie standing in the way before I can, haha

    Yeah, I think I saw some "but(s)" without "," in front of it as well while reading through, but I'm not sure if they were intended to have "," or if they are correctly written that way (due to the build up of the sentence), so I choose to leave it out.

    I see, well knowing how good you are describing things, I don't think it will propose any problems

    I've become quite fond of chess lately, so I thought it was a nice add =p

    So you, as I, have take a peek at Castle then Then I guess you can relate. Regarding Mario, I've read all of Kishi's three one shots, but this one literally blew me away. It's what could have been instead of Naruto, and what can be after Naruto is finished. I got so inspired and pumped by reading it, that I almost feel it's sad that it's only a one shot, and not a complete manga and/or anime, as I would definitely have made that one my second to read/watch after Naruto. In other words, you definitely have to check it out, and perhaps you can related to it too as you FF might cross path with the same genre. Damn it, I want to write a Mario (not Super Mario for anyone else wondering, haha) FF now, haha

    I see... Well unfortunately, I'm not familiar with any of those.

    Haha, thinking twice of it, I think the reason is because this chapter doesn't have much spacing, meaning that each dialogue is filled with much info, making it look smaller. I guess it's pretty long after all, as it took some time reading and re-reading it If you haven't noticed, I usually write short chapters these days, in such a regard even Kyon complained about it, haha

    Well yeah, on a high note, if that's what you mean ;D

    You named drama twice, haha But yeah, I see and I understand ^_^

    Like I said earlier, next chapter is going to be as epic as this one I'm sure


    A vibe of Tony Stark in one of my written characters? That's one of the best praises you've ever given me Cause, tbh, it's nearly impossible to depict the awesome of RDJr. But now that you say it, it's pretty true that there's so resemblance in attitude and traits. Mostly coincidental though.

    What you stated is correct. Sensyl Value went from 1-5 and Percept Grade went from 0-4. But grade 0 was people who were not affected by the mutation, so in that case it should have been impossible for Kaede to mutate.... except that Kaede is an exception.

    So, I'm not extending the Percept Grades to 0-5. As you say, Percept Grade 0 is for normal people like in today's time - as if 5 normal & working senses. Besides, Percept Grade 0 is for unaffected people while Kaede is an odd case.

    But just a small food for thought: Kaede, having extra senses, doesn't obviously means that he has been affected by Sensyl Mutation? Or perhaps he was in a special way? I won't reveal much but you should understand that how Kaede got those Special Sensyl Values, by retaining all his 5 senses, is one of the key mystery in this history. Let the Percept Grades remain from 0-4 for now and just consider Kaede as an odd aberration. Be patient - more things would be unfurled. I can't create a thriller if it's easy for the reader to guess it all.

    On the points now:

    1. I love Ayumi personally. Kaede is more fun to write but Ayumi is like my personification of a great female lead character. So chameleonic! Actually, you may picture Sakura/Kushina but I mostly envisioned her as my fav. female anime character - Hitagi Senjougahara. Though, Ayumi is unique in her own ways too. And I didn't try to add a Itachi-Sasuke reference but when I was writing about Kaede getting scared, this did crossed my mind. More specifically, I thought about Kaede's emotion similar to anime viewers reaction when they witnessed Itachi's crazy faces lusting for the eyeballs

    2. No, nobody gets mute because speech ability is not a senses. Though, some people in this FF-verse may be mute; as they may have lost their sight and their hearing. I will touch on that topic; though I doubt it'll be an extensive elaboration. It's nice that you are getting curious about my plans though. xD

    3. I can't reply to this part in most case. That being said, there is a small part where you nearly nailed a approximately correct prediction. I won't reveal which though; as everything related to the Azazel Enigma is...well, an enigma And he is arguably the greatest mystery in my FF.

    4. This is actually an excellent question but you nearly got the idea about how he got locked pretty "unfairly". That being said, it's something I also plan to explain in future chapters. You need to understand that I only briefly explained the world post-Isfet Impact. Nearly most detailed information are about the Sensyl Mutation principles. And the reader have plunged into the FF; only through the eyes of Kaede and Ayumi for now. Once the world is explained in its new "form", this is going to be more interesting. For now, be patient, my friend

    On the part on what senses Azuma and Ayumi lost, you are spot-on for Azuma by saying that he cannot smell. Still, I wonder if he'll re-appear later-on in the FF, so that information doesn't matter much

    On Ayumi, since you are trying so hard to guess different stuffs, I'll spoil this one - she doesn't have taste.

    And another spoiler, for people who lost Touch/Feel senses, they also suffer from partial paralysis in the legs. That's because legs "touch" the ground while walking. I thought, I'll clear that out and this shall makes it more obvious to you, about why Ayumi didn't lost the Touch/Feel Sense.

    5. You are really foreseeing things; nearly as much as I But I guess, with your keen eye, your reading analysis and the fact that you've read it twice - that was to be expected. To know more on the fate of Kaede, you'll need to await me to write Chapter 2 and more.

    Hehe, well, if I were to inspire you someday as you have with TLSoK, I would reach probably my greatest achievement.

    I also think, there were some parts where I used extras commas but I kind of forgot where

    Hope so... xD

    I barely know chess but I was adamant to add that part, so I did hope that I didn't mess it out, badly.

    I think, I may check his Kishi's Mario then Perhaps, next month though

    The chapter is really filled with more info; so is 75% of the Prologue. In case, sometime in the future, I've reached a bit far in this FF-progress, do check the C1/Prologue again and compare it. You'll then see more clearly, how much hidden hints. about the FF progress was in it.

    Not only on a high note. I ended it with exact same cliffhanging sentence

    Ooops, "dramatic" typo-mistake I guess

    Fingers crossed Thanks again
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    The past two entries have been no less than fantastic. I'm sitting in my grandparent house, and decide to check the base after a day. I read through WS ff after he sent me a link, and was searching for something that would be well done, like his. Boy was I happy scrolling through the prologue and first chapter as I read this OF that could very well be an awesome movie. Honestly, I would go see this in the best theatre if this was sold and made by a famous director with very little editing to the original script. Kaede is the perfect villain-hero, with a personality that is very fitting. I enjoy the cocky-flirty kind of attitude in characters, and love writing it. Ayumi is the best counter-personality for Kaede, and I can't wait to read the chemistry between them as they solve the case. It shall be enjoyable, please send me links after each chapter is released! I am eager to read more!
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by DoubleA49 View Post
    The past two entries have been no less than fantastic. I'm sitting in my grandparent house, and decide to check the base after a day. I read through WS ff after he sent me a link, and was searching for something that would be well done, like his. Boy was I happy scrolling through the prologue and first chapter as I read this OF that could very well be an awesome movie. Honestly, I would go see this in the best theatre if this was sold and made by a famous director with very little editing to the original script. Kaede is the perfect villain-hero, with a personality that is very fitting. I enjoy the cocky-flirty kind of attitude in characters, and love writing it. Ayumi is the best counter-personality for Kaede, and I can't wait to read the chemistry between them as they solve the case. It shall be enjoyable, please send me links after each chapter is released! I am eager to read more!
    I can't say how elated I am, reading these comments from you. I'm really thankful for reading my FF and even more to appreciate it To be honest, I'm glad that some have compared it with anime series/movie. When your reader visualized that much, then I consider that your work connected with him. Very happy that characters were well-appreciated in their traits and persona. The spotlight was on both Kaede and Ayumi's alchemy and chemistry, in this chapter, as they interacted. Finding someone like you, who find all of those enjoyable, feels like perfect comment.

    And for sure, I shall keep you notified with links about my work's progress.
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    The character build was just superb. No way that a reader can get bored at that!
    The curiosity left about the Azazel Enigma and the island is just amazing, It's like death note, till the end the curiosity emerged with the viewer to finish it till the end and find out the conclusion. This can make a really good anime you know!
    The humor is excellent as well. It's just like reading a professional Crime novel. It's gonna be amazing I know it!
    Awesome work Escorpiius Well done!

    I have to say, after reading Micheal92's post, I'm not really good enough to write that big of a post since I'm not sure how things are judged around here.

    P.S. I pictured Ayumi as one of the girl from bleach.
    It's the 3rd girl from left to right in second row. She was with the lazy dude who fought Stark. Oh dear I forgot all the names...:/



    And I sometimes picture Kaede as Alucard. And give him an epic voice in my head since the one he originally had in the series was not quite fascinating.
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Damn. This just blew everything away for me. The prologue was interesting, but this just demolished it. I was extremely hooked and just love the way the senses/power are set up. I, myself, love dialogue scenes. Words can make a bolder statement than any fight scene. The dialogue was amazing. Very smart, reminded me of Death Note in a way. Also, the humor was good as well. I'm not all that into this style of sexy humor, but it's good. I haven't been this excited about a Fanfic in awhile. Truly amazing.
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Nocturne View Post
    The character build was just superb. No way that a reader can get bored at that!
    The curiosity left about the Azazel Enigma and the island is just amazing, It's like death note, till the end the curiosity emerged with the viewer to finish it till the end and find out the conclusion. This can make a really good anime you know!
    The humor is excellent as well. It's just like reading a professional Crime novel. It's gonna be amazing I know it!
    Awesome work Escorpiius Well done!

    I have to say, after reading Micheal92's post, I'm not really good enough to write that big of a post since I'm not sure how things are judged around here.

    P.S. I pictured Ayumi as one of the girl from bleach.
    It's the 3rd girl from left to right in second row. She was with the lazy dude who fought Stark. Oh dear I forgot all the names...:/



    And I sometimes picture Kaede as Alucard. And give him an epic voice in my head since the one he originally had in the series was not quite fascinating.
    Comparisons with Tony Stark, Death Note, Castle, pro-Crime novel and many more....I must say, I'm more than elated with those. Highly flattering from all of you. And I'm glad, you enjoyed it as much And since you got interested a lot in the mysteries, that's all the better anticipation for future chapters. That's great!

    As for Mikey's post - don't worry! As much as I adore his long-elaborated reviews, I also know that besides him, nearly nobody can do as much. His unique in his own style. I love your own appreciation on its own.

    Haven't seen Bleach since long - the girl is Soifon as far as I remember. But even if comparisons with Alucard & Soifon are "captivating" divergent thinking, I don't think either Kaede/Ayumi fits that mold.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Spicer View Post
    Damn. This just blew everything away for me. The prologue was interesting, but this just demolished it. I was extremely hooked and just love the way the senses/power are set up. I, myself, love dialogue scenes. Words can make a bolder statement than any fight scene. The dialogue was amazing. Very smart, reminded me of Death Note in a way. Also, the humor was good as well. I'm not all that into this style of sexy humor, but it's good. I haven't been this excited about a Fanfic in awhile. Truly amazing.
    To be honest, when you told me that the prologue was very good, I hoped that you would liked the Chapter 1 even better; since it was notches above in many ways

    Knowing your tastes, I was pretty sure that, you'd be one who would appreciate the powers set-up. I'll reveal some more deep explanation in the table to clarify certain things for some other readers and probably reveal some newer stuffs too. Hope it'll keep you hooked

    "Words can make a bolder statement than any fight scene." - Love that line of yours Actually, I firmly believe that too, but since we are on a Naruto forum, I can't blame some readers to lust for more action. But oh well...

    You are the 3rd pretty big fan of Death Note that is reading on this FF of mine and all 3 (Nocturne, you and my sis) found similarities with Death Note. Don't know if it's anywhere close to the masterpiece that is DN; but if I manage something half-as-good, I'd feel more than proud.

    Given that there were two pretty intense characters in their own diverse styles, all humor I could add, was flirty/sexy humor and some creepy/morbid humor. Hopefully, I'll present other slices of humor comedy, during some other characters interactions. I'd try to keep that, in mind.

    Thanks again. I hope I'd keep living to the expectations.
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    I read through the reviews and posts above, and I must say I agree with all of them ^_^ I don't know if you have already, but you definitely should link people to this, spread the word. Even Lili-Chwan does that with her new FF, and she is getting the attention she deserves (don't know how many she linked though, but it seems to be a quite few of them).

    Quote Originally Posted by Escorpiius View Post
    A vibe of Tony Stark in one of my written characters? That's one of the best praises you've ever given me Cause, tbh, it's nearly impossible to depict the awesome of RDJr. But now that you say it, it's pretty true that there's so resemblance in attitude and traits. Mostly coincidental though.

    What you stated is correct. Sensyl Value went from 1-5 and Percept Grade went from 0-4. But grade 0 was people who were not affected by the mutation, so in that case it should have been impossible for Kaede to mutate.... except that Kaede is an exception.

    So, I'm not extending the Percept Grades to 0-5. As you say, Percept Grade 0 is for normal people like in today's time - as if 5 normal & working senses. Besides, Percept Grade 0 is for unaffected people while Kaede is an odd case.

    But just a small food for thought: Kaede, having extra senses, doesn't obviously means that he has been affected by Sensyl Mutation? Or perhaps he was in a special way? I won't reveal much but you should understand that how Kaede got those Special Sensyl Values, by retaining all his 5 senses, is one of the key mystery in this history. Let the Percept Grades remain from 0-4 for now and just consider Kaede as an odd aberration. Be patient - more things would be unfurled. I can't create a thriller if it's easy for the reader to guess it all.

    On the points now:

    1. I love Ayumi personally. Kaede is more fun to write but Ayumi is like my personification of a great female lead character. So chameleonic! Actually, you may picture Sakura/Kushina but I mostly envisioned her as my fav. female anime character - Hitagi Senjougahara. Though, Ayumi is unique in her own ways too. And I didn't try to add a Itachi-Sasuke reference but when I was writing about Kaede getting scared, this did crossed my mind. More specifically, I thought about Kaede's emotion similar to anime viewers reaction when they witnessed Itachi's crazy faces lusting for the eyeballs

    2. No, nobody gets mute because speech ability is not a senses. Though, some people in this FF-verse may be mute; as they may have lost their sight and their hearing. I will touch on that topic; though I doubt it'll be an extensive elaboration. It's nice that you are getting curious about my plans though. xD

    3. I can't reply to this part in most case. That being said, there is a small part where you nearly nailed a approximately correct prediction. I won't reveal which though; as everything related to the Azazel Enigma is...well, an enigma And he is arguably the greatest mystery in my FF.

    4. This is actually an excellent question but you nearly got the idea about how he got locked pretty "unfairly". That being said, it's something I also plan to explain in future chapters. You need to understand that I only briefly explained the world post-Isfet Impact. Nearly most detailed information are about the Sensyl Mutation principles. And the reader have plunged into the FF; only through the eyes of Kaede and Ayumi for now. Once the world is explained in its new "form", this is going to be more interesting. For now, be patient, my friend

    On the part on what senses Azuma and Ayumi lost, you are spot-on for Azuma by saying that he cannot smell. Still, I wonder if he'll re-appear later-on in the FF, so that information doesn't matter much

    On Ayumi, since you are trying so hard to guess different stuffs, I'll spoil this one - she doesn't have taste.

    And another spoiler, for people who lost Touch/Feel senses, they also suffer from partial paralysis in the legs. That's because legs "touch" the ground while walking. I thought, I'll clear that out and this shall makes it more obvious to you, about why Ayumi didn't lost the Touch/Feel Sense.

    5. You are really foreseeing things; nearly as much as I But I guess, with your keen eye, your reading analysis and the fact that you've read it twice - that was to be expected. To know more on the fate of Kaede, you'll need to await me to write Chapter 2 and more.

    Hehe, well, if I were to inspire you someday as you have with TLSoK, I would reach probably my greatest achievement.

    I also think, there were some parts where I used extras commas but I kind of forgot where

    Hope so... xD

    I barely know chess but I was adamant to add that part, so I did hope that I didn't mess it out, badly.

    I think, I may check his Kishi's Mario then Perhaps, next month though

    The chapter is really filled with more info; so is 75% of the Prologue. In case, sometime in the future, I've reached a bit far in this FF-progress, do check the C1/Prologue again and compare it. You'll then see more clearly, how much hidden hints. about the FF progress was in it.

    Not only on a high note. I ended it with exact same cliffhanging sentence

    Ooops, "dramatic" typo-mistake I guess

    Fingers crossed Thanks again


    Speaking of traits and characters, not too much were revealed about how each of them looked, was it?? If I'm not mistaken, Azuma was bald, Ayumi had long thick hair, which she had curled up with a hairpin/clip, and Kaede... Well not too much was said. I do picture Ayumi and Kaede to have black hair for some reason though, perhaps Kaede looking a bit like the character Aaron (DoubleA) has as his Avy, or even more so, Mario... Yes, like Mario!! I take that back, Kaede has a light color on his hair, not blond, but not white either, just like Mario... or maybe he has brown xD I can't say really... Here's two pictures of Mario and the female protagonist in the one shot of Kishi (one with color page and both should be none-spoilerish);





    Hmm I see and I understand I guess I just read too much into 0 being people who did not get "hit" by the radiation, not that they were not affected by it, haha

    1: I didn't think about that at first either, but reading it a second time, I realized it had similarities, haha

    2: Hehe, as always my friend And I will continue to nudge you with each chapter released, haha xD ;D

    3: Then I was right at the first prediction, because the second one was just thrown in there so that you could deny one and approve the other

    4: Yeah, only time will tell and I can't wait for this Master Piece to come to fruition

    Haha, well there's always a way to make surprising comebacks, perhaps in a humorous way, like Ayumi calling him in to find out how Kaede's personality has been affected during the nine years in prison for example (if Azuma was his regular guard, I'm sure the two of them have had some conversations up through the year). That's just one possibility though, and perhaps Kaede get's disappointed in Ayumi because of it, and we'll have some sort of intense situation between them, until she saves his life or something xD Whom am I kidding, it's your FF, not mine, haha

    I see, well that's interesting ;D

    5: When I was re-reading the chapter, that thought hit my mind, as it's a really complexed situation, and being as you're pretty early in the stage of things yet, you might not even have thought too much on the end (good or bad) and how that's going to be solve if that will happen, hehe =P Unless you keep a bunch of notes like I, and already know the end of things

    Haha, hardly, a great writer like you should inspire many! ^_^

    Not next month, now!! Come on people, support me in this, Escorp needs to check it out now, nao!!! xD And then I'm not just referring to the Godfather reference I did in my PM, but in ever epic sense of the world, it's a must read, the world might explode tomorrow and you'll never get a chance to!

    Yep, as I said, can't wait ^_^

    Oh really now?? O__o I must have missed that *Runs to check* That's cool!

    So when will the next one be released?? that's the hard thing about releasing as you go, instead of stocking up chapters like some people do, as it really depend on when you get the next one done... But I'm not far from target when I say one every week or two, right??
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    I agree with Micheal92...
    I love writing FFS...but whenever I start with it, I always gettsuck at the character sketches and leave the story as it is....Vut since you have the ability to explain it more vividly I suggest you add up some discription aswell...It always good to have it in...=)
    I usually see that in every story I read...It looks enpty without it...
    I hope you didn't mind my criticism I was just being friendily honest here...=)

    Btw how would you feel If I posted a FF here? I do have a very funny Idea of the sxript and the who synopsis of it..If you want to know itvm me ill let u know its title...The title itself is so surprising that It'll interest you straight away...Im not sure if anyone came up with that Idea or not but I think Its a really good story to begin with!!^__^
     
         
    Last edited by Nocturne; 06-17-2013 at 05:37 PM.

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael92 View Post
    I read through the reviews and posts above, and I must say I agree with all of them ^_^ I don't know if you have already, but you definitely should link people to this, spread the word. Even Lili-Chwan does that with her new FF, and she is getting the attention she deserves (don't know how many she linked though, but it seems to be a quite few of them).



    Speaking of traits and characters, not too much were revealed about how each of them looked, was it?? If I'm not mistaken, Azuma was bald, Ayumi had long thick hair, which she had curled up with a hairpin/clip, and Kaede... Well not too much was said. I do picture Ayumi and Kaede to have black hair for some reason though, perhaps Kaede looking a bit like the character Aaron (DoubleA) has as his Avy, or even more so, Mario... Yes, like Mario!! I take that back, Kaede has a light color on his hair, not blond, but not white either, just like Mario... or maybe he has brown xD I can't say really... Here's two pictures of Mario and the female protagonist in the one shot of Kishi (one with color page and both should be none-spoilerish);





    Hmm I see and I understand I guess I just read too much into 0 being people who did not get "hit" by the radiation, not that they were not affected by it, haha

    1: I didn't think about that at first either, but reading it a second time, I realized it had similarities, haha

    2: Hehe, as always my friend And I will continue to nudge you with each chapter released, haha xD ;D

    3: Then I was right at the first prediction, because the second one was just thrown in there so that you could deny one and approve the other

    4: Yeah, only time will tell and I can't wait for this Master Piece to come to fruition

    Haha, well there's always a way to make surprising comebacks, perhaps in a humorous way, like Ayumi calling him in to find out how Kaede's personality has been affected during the nine years in prison for example (if Azuma was his regular guard, I'm sure the two of them have had some conversations up through the year). That's just one possibility though, and perhaps Kaede get's disappointed in Ayumi because of it, and we'll have some sort of intense situation between them, until she saves his life or something xD Whom am I kidding, it's your FF, not mine, haha

    I see, well that's interesting ;D

    5: When I was re-reading the chapter, that thought hit my mind, as it's a really complexed situation, and being as you're pretty early in the stage of things yet, you might not even have thought too much on the end (good or bad) and how that's going to be solve if that will happen, hehe =P Unless you keep a bunch of notes like I, and already know the end of things

    Haha, hardly, a great writer like you should inspire many! ^_^

    Not next month, now!! Come on people, support me in this, Escorp needs to check it out now, nao!!! xD And then I'm not just referring to the Godfather reference I did in my PM, but in ever epic sense of the world, it's a must read, the world might explode tomorrow and you'll never get a chance to!

    Yep, as I said, can't wait ^_^

    Oh really now?? O__o I must have missed that *Runs to check* That's cool!

    So when will the next one be released?? that's the hard thing about releasing as you go, instead of stocking up chapters like some people do, as it really depend on when you get the next one done... But I'm not far from target when I say one every week or two, right??


    Well, as far as spreading the words is concerned...I've told 1-2 of my old readers. Then among my dear friends and past readers... You and Jack Spicer were the only ones who read the Prologue beforehand. I've sent Nocturne, Kyon & Ivan's links of the chapters, as soon as I posted. I guess, only Kyon & Ivan are yet, to read it...And I don't really want to do extensive marketing, like sending most of my friends' links.

    Not describing the appearance and looks of the characters remain one of my main regrets in this chapter. Actually, once I finished the first reading, I realized that. But I found it difficult to insert it, in between. It was making the dialogues lethargic and could remove some of the psychological impact of this chapter. I'd be sure to do that in future chapters...Just quickly, Kaede got black hair, with a very dark blue tint. And Ayumi had, as stated in this chapter, dark-brown relatively long hair. More extensive details in future chapters

    Yeah...Still, more to be revealed.

    1. Indeed; though mine was more of a comedic relief while Kishi walked a bit more on the horror road then.

    2. , I guess, please do so. It has its own unique charm

    3. I opt for secrecy on this one.

    4. Just pray that it comes to fruition.

    Well, I may consider it, if there's demand for his character. But I doubt, Azuma will become a fan-favorite of readers as more chapters will be revealed

    Didn't really note it down yet but I have practically all the characters and plot; even ending in my head. As I told you, I freezed this project twice. So, I really gave quite some thoughts before greenlighting it.

    I wonder that -.-

    Oh well, checked it already by now

    I wanna target a release between 24th-26th June. Hopefully, it will function as predicted.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nocturne View Post
    I agree with Micheal92...
    I love writing FFS...but whenever I start with it, I always gettsuck at the character sketches and leave the story as it is....Vut since you have the ability to explain it more vividly I suggest you add up some discription aswell...It always good to have it in...=)
    I usually see that in every story I read...It looks enpty without it...
    I hope you didn't mind my criticism I was just being friendily honest here...=)

    Btw how would you feel If I posted a FF here? I do have a very funny Idea of the sxript and the who synopsis of it..If you want to know itvm me ill let u know its title...The title itself is so surprising that It'll interest you straight away...Im not sure if anyone came up with that Idea or not but I think Its a really good story to begin with!!^__^
    As said above, I kinda messed up with that. But I'll catch up on that, next time.
    It's actually a criticism that many should have given me. Cause it's one of the first flaws I did noticed in my FF when I read it...

    PM me the story if you got something interesting on hand. Or send it to me on FB. I think, it'll be better to give you ideas personally; instead of a public thread.
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    First of all, congratulations on creating an original FF as I think they're the most difficult

    I’m actually surprised as I thought Kaede’s Sensyl Average Value would have been 5 especially with the fact that he was selected out of the CIA for assistance. Maybe this ranking can increase through some unknown means yet to be revealed. Okay, although he is of lower ranking, it appears as though his potential is that of a rank 5 or maybe even higher; evident via Ayumi’s high praise.

    It was a bit ironic to read Ayumi’s quote of "Drop your pessimists thoughts" as that is how I am due to all of my hardships-its difficult to be positive when your life is not in the best shape which is something me and this main character share.

    And so this is the reasoning behind why he has been chosen-Kaede is at the moment, the only one revealed to be unique. I initially thought they needed him for his skills but it was rather his knowledge-very interesting as well as a twist. Another twist, a blood link was the only thing that would crack Kaede into agreeing and that was all very unexpected. The ending displayed an Ayumi that almost seemed out of character due to how she was throughout the beginning and middle of the chapter; acting out worried for society and civilized but instead presented a darker side that took me by surprise. Well, as your story continues to unfold will only unveil more of these characters’ personalities. It was an overall phenomenally expressed and detailed read. I look forward to the next one my friend
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Kuroi Honoo View Post
    First of all, congratulations on creating an original FF as I think they're the most difficult

    I’m actually surprised as I thought Kaede’s Sensyl Average Value would have been 5 especially with the fact that he was selected out of the CIA for assistance. Maybe this ranking can increase through some unknown means yet to be revealed. Okay, although he is of lower ranking, it appears as though his potential is that of a rank 5 or maybe even higher; evident via Ayumi’s high praise.

    It was a bit ironic to read Ayumi’s quote of "Drop your pessimists thoughts" as that is how I am due to all of my hardships-its difficult to be positive when your life is not in the best shape which is something me and this main character share.

    And so this is the reasoning behind why he has been chosen-Kaede is at the moment, the only one revealed to be unique. I initially thought they needed him for his skills but it was rather his knowledge-very interesting as well as a twist. Another twist, a blood link was the only thing that would crack Kaede into agreeing and that was all very unexpected. The ending displayed an Ayumi that almost seemed out of character due to how she was throughout the beginning and middle of the chapter; acting out worried for society and civilized but instead presented a darker side that took me by surprise. Well, as your story continues to unfold will only unveil more of these characters’ personalities. It was an overall phenomenally expressed and detailed read. I look forward to the next one my friend
    Well, adaptation and original FFs both got their own difficulties. But I get your point - given that I had to work harder to make readers connect to my characters as they're original ones.

    I like your "theory" of Sensyl Value that may increase with time and more potential developed. Won't really spoil anything on here. But I do appreciate as you try to predict things, whether right or wrong, like Mikey also does. That being said, Kaede's Sensyl-Value is indeed 3 and he is an exception case nonetheless, as he didn't lose any of his senses.

    I hope that the sentence brought some positive vibe to you then

    Well, they weren't really twists. Mostly I unfolded new pages related to future chapters, thereby some revelations can be perceived as twists or unexpected. However, I'm glad you liked those elements - especially since both Kaede's related parts were main topics in my FF. And yes, I did swerve things up with Ayumi. As I said to Mikey, I made her a bit how I'd view my perfect female lead character.

    Thanks for feedback, my friend and I'd keep linking them to you
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Yes take it from me-when I did Helvetes, I couldn’t imagine how much more difficult it was than doing a FF based on a pre-existing work. Thanks and I’m glad that my insight/theories make sense ^^ Well not only can you write exceptionally well but you can also tell a great story and the twist or revelations that come with it And thank you for continuing to link me ^^
     
         

  19. #19
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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Kuroi Honoo View Post
    Yes take it from me-when I did Helvetes, I couldn’t imagine how much more difficult it was than doing a FF based on a pre-existing work. Thanks and I’m glad that my insight/theories make sense ^^ Well not only can you write exceptionally well but you can also tell a great story and the twist or revelations that come with it And thank you for continuing to link me ^^
    It's when writing Chapter 2, that I started facing difficulties. Writing with original characters and story, is not more difficult but it's a pace killer. I wrote ultra-slowly and with sluggish pace compared to my 6thHDC.

    But again, thanks for the compliments
     
         

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