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  1. #1
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    I


    It was a cold january night, the birds and stray dogs were in their shalteres, yet the cold whent to their bones making them shiver. The wind was bending everithing, including the tall grass arownd the nearby pond while the rain was falling hevilly making the dak from the its depths mixing with bright light of a full moon. The site itself would be beautifoul to watch from the "Melody Pond" orphenege dorms, but instead of peace, it was giving chilles to those who were awoke.

    " What's wrong? Why aren't you sleeping? " said a tenuous voice with a stright tone.

    " Nothing, just... Nevermind, keep on with whatever youre doing Cassandra. " replyed a girl with voice deeper than a 17 year old should have while inadvertently looking at her - a chubby dark than woman whose hair was so wild and curly that it seemed it was barely put in a bun.

    " If you say so, mis zanahorias pequeñas. " the women with a grin.

    " And if I may know, what does that 'mis blablabla' mean? "

    " My baby carrot " responded the woman smiling

    Girls face blushed immediately and her dark green eyes got a fiery look. " Nah, nah, why do you get mad about everything? "

    " Not everything... Just certein stuff, I hate when people disrespect me."

    " And certain stuff is: your hair, your style, boys, grades, friends.... Wich is pretty much everything. I'm telling you this with best intentiones - be more calm. "

    " But, -"

    " You'll thank me one day, you'll see. " said the worker as she walked away from the girls section.

    The ginger girl slided her, now gloomy look, to the window. As she gazed into the storm outside her toughts were floating in her past; she remembered all the names she was called, like "Carrot top" , "Whiny", "Wierdo", "Witch" etc. Teares filled up her eyes, but she didn't allow them to run; instead, she sgueezed her pillow silently so no one would see or hear her suffer. Then the sound of lightning strike cleared up the girls mind, the teares evaporated, and she laied in her bed and smelling the clean bedding.

    As she was falling asleep more and more nice memories were apperaing in her head, but the one that made her especially happy was the one she barley remembered; she didn't know how old she was - just that she was verry young - neither she could tell the looks of the peoples faces clearly, but she knew she was with her parents and that everyone was happy - specialy her mother whoes smile and silky black hair were prevailing in this memory. She has other memories with her parents too, like the one where her dad spined her arownd and all she could see was his allmost white hair.

    Her dreames were broken by a wave of cold air which goth to the court of her bones.

    " Hisana, wake up. " whispered a strange, tiny yet strong, voice.

    " Are you insane? Cassandra will kick both of our asses if she sees you, go away and cover me. "

    " It's the shift change in case you haven't notised. "

    " Well if you haven't noticed we don't have a clock in here, moron. " she replyed

    " Never mind, I need to talk to you. Get dressed, I'll be at the pond. "

    " Are you blind, it's..." she stopped because the rain must have probably stoped since she fell asleep " Ok, give me a minute. "

    Hisana, after she got dressed, jumped trough the window (it wasn't high, just 3 meters or so) and met her friend. His name was Itachi and the meaning of the name ( weashel ) didn't suite him at all. He was smart, but rarely showed that side of him, he usualy acted goofy and he also had that 'fanboying' syndrom, as she liked to call it.

    " So, what's wrong? " she asked while looking at his sad, big gray eyes

    " Kai beat me at poker so I had to take a picture of myself with ONLY pink nickeres! "

    She uncounchesly laughed at it, but had stopped immmediatley because she had alwayes hated to see anyone hurt, especially her childhood friend.

    ~ please tell me Your opinion on my work ~

     
         
    Last edited by Hikari Uchiha Senju; 07-02-2013 at 05:44 PM.

  2. #2
    Tsūki's Avatar
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    #Dragyzophobia #Akashaphilia
    #Kirikoe4EIG #RuthlessLA
    #ShadowRiderTheJouninFade
     



    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Liked the story, I think it was well written and nice to read ^^
    There were small mistakes but I'm sure they will dissapear as you keep on writing more.
    What's important is the creativity and being able to express it through your fanfic.

    Please inform me if you release a new chapter
     
         

  3. #3
    Senior Member Braveknight's Avatar
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    meh
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Nice story :DDDD
     
         

  4. #4
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Hahah great read as always ....... Loved reading it ....

    I want to read the second chapter soon hehe Hisana seems to be a cool and kind person

    I liked this Itachi guy more or less resembles me to some extent

     
         

  5. #5
    H A D E S's Avatar
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    Dancing with the Devil !
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Apart from few spelling mistakes.... It was a brilliant story! Good job!
     
         

  6. #6
    Chaotic Neutral Sir Derp Obito's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Excellent ending
     
         

  7. #7
    Hēi's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    I like the story,you have a talent for writing so keep up your work ^^ Hope to see more stuff from you
     
         

  8. #8
    Godara Awkward Linguist's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Wow
    Just
    Wow
    .
     
         

  9. #9
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by -Tsuki View Post
    Liked the story, I think it was well written and nice to read ^^
    There were small mistakes but I'm sure they will dissapear as you keep on writing more.
    What's important is the creativity and being able to express it through your fanfic.

    Please inform me if you release a new chapter
    Thanks you, I'll keep improving
    Sure
    Quote Originally Posted by Braveknight View Post
    Nice story :DDDD
    Thanks :D
    Quote Originally Posted by ~Zonta~ View Post
    Hahah great read as always ....... Loved reading it ....

    I want to read the second chapter soon hehe Hisana seems to be a cool and kind person

    I liked this Itachi guy more or less resembles me to some extent

    I'm so glad you liked it Neal-kun ^^
    Quote Originally Posted by KuraamA View Post
    Apart from few spelling mistakes.... It was a brilliant story! Good job!
    Thanks
    Quote Originally Posted by Sir Derp Obito View Post
    Excellent ending
    Hahah, tnx
    Quote Originally Posted by Hēi View Post
    I like the story,you have a talent for writing so keep up your work ^^ Hope to see more stuff from you
    Thank you ^_^
    You will :D
    Quote Originally Posted by UchihaMadara01 View Post
    Wow
    Just
    Wow
    .
    Thanks, man
     
         

  10. #10
    Senior Member badoera's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    hey there! thanks for sending me the link on my page ; ) I really enjoyed reading it! Keep up the great work!
     
         

  11. #11
    Member nanacha's Avatar
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    Le cœur a ses raisons que la
    raison ne connaît point.
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    good work ,keep it up
     
         

  12. #12
    Member projecttsukinome's Avatar
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    u either die as a hero or live
    long enough to see urself
    become the villain
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Good work. Thnx for the link. Though I think you should have told a bit more in the 1st chap. The end was rather sudden. But nevertheless I enjoyed reading it. Send me the link to the 2nd chap when you are done with it. I am rather interested. Keep up this good work.
     
         

  13. #13
    plɹoʍ pǝʇɹǝʌuı oʇ ǝɯoɔlǝʍ bl4ckJack's Avatar
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    Sandboxed QQ
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Nice Story ... liked the ending ... Itachi Huh ... 'Fanboying'
     
         

  14. #14
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by badoera View Post
    hey there! thanks for sending me the link on my page ; ) I really enjoyed reading it! Keep up the great work!
    np xD
    Thanks, I will ^_^
    Quote Originally Posted by nanacha View Post
    good work ,keep it up
    Thanks :3
    Quote Originally Posted by projecttsukinome View Post
    Good work. Thnx for the link. Though I think you should have told a bit more in the 1st chap. The end was rather sudden. But nevertheless I enjoyed reading it. Send me the link to the 2nd chap when you are done with it. I am rather interested. Keep up this good work.
    Thanks :D
    np ^^
    You're right, I hope I'll make it up in the second one :P
    Quote Originally Posted by bl4ckJack View Post
    Nice Story ... liked the ending ... Itachi Huh ... 'Fanboying'
    Thanks :D
    well....
     
         

  15. #15
    Twisted Scientist Frankenstein's Avatar
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    They say I 'm a troubled boy,
    just because I like to
    destroy, all the things that
    bring the idiots joy. Well,
    what's wrong with a little
    destruction?
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Okay I guess this is just an introductory chapter so it's interesting to see where you are going with this.

    (I will not be a grammar nazi, google can help you with that )
     
         

  16. #16
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyo4 View Post
    Okay I guess this is just an introductory chapter so it's interesting to see where you are going with this.

    (I will not be a grammar nazi, google can help you with that )
    Yep
    hehe, I'll work on that :D
     
         

  17. #17
    Sweety!Get Mommy's Bazooka foxyladyland's Avatar
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    Before you change the status,
    remember the censor-bypassing
    rules.
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    I love your story darling. very beautiful someone could probably use those flowers to cover up with
    weeeee
     
         

  18. #18
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by foxyladyland View Post
    I love your story darling. very beautiful someone could probably use those flowers to cover up with
    weeeee
    Thanks hun awwwwww
     
         

  19. #19
    Senior Member Vilvake's Avatar
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    "If that's true — if
    you don't know who I am —
    then maybe your best course
    would be to tread
    lightly."
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Were the spelling mistakes intentional?
     
         

  20. #20
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by Vilvake View Post
    Were the spelling mistakes intentional?
    Yes, I really like to misspell words -.-''''
     
         

  21. #21
    Senior Member Vilvake's Avatar
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    "If that's true — if
    you don't know who I am —
    then maybe your best course
    would be to tread
    lightly."
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by Hikari Uchiha Senju View Post
    Yes, I really like to misspell words -.-''''
    I wasn't trying to be insulting, sometimes (though rarely) words are purposefully spelled wrong to give writing uniqueness or deeper meaning to the subject matter. For example, if a book is in a journal format written by a young character, spelling mistakes could add detail and a sense of realism.

    I wasn't really questioning your mistakes until I saw "beautifoul". That's a pretty ironic/coincidental error because beautiful and foul are antonyms. Sorry for the confusion, I probably should have elaborated in my original reply.
     
         

  22. #22
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by Vilvake View Post
    I wasn't trying to be insulting, sometimes (though rarely) words are purposefully spelled wrong to give writing uniqueness or deeper meaning to the subject matter. For example, if a book is in a journal format written by a young character, spelling mistakes could add detail and a sense of realism.

    I wasn't really questioning your mistakes until I saw "beautifoul". That's a pretty ironic/coincidental error because beautiful and foul are antonyms. Sorry for the confusion, I probably should have elaborated in my original reply.
    I'm so sorry, I thought you were mocking me
     
         

  23. #23
    Member Manicherryblossom33's Avatar
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    worried about fanfiction
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    This is cool. Nice job.
     
         

  24. #24
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    Quote Originally Posted by Manicherryblossom33 View Post
    This is cool. Nice job.
    Thank you
     
         

  25. #25
    Rikudo Sennin ~Uzumaki~'s Avatar
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    The Lord is my light and my
    salvation; whom shall I fear?
    the Lord is the strength of my
    life; of whom shall I be
    afraid
     



    Re: [Bleruto FF lol] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter I

    I don't like to start a story midway so I went to the first chapter. Seems like it could be a good story. A few spelling mistakes here and there but as one can observe from the story's reception, the plot is an interesting premise. I would urge you deeply to work on spelling and keeping thins in the right tense. Perhaps a bit more description won't hurt.
     
         

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