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  1. #1
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    II


    Hisana and Itachi's relationship is hard to describe. They're rather different, yet they have found a way to use those differences to help each other and over the yeares a bond was made, the one no person could brake.

    Everything started a while after Hisana was took into the "Melody Pond" orphenege; all of the other kids looked at her with disguist because of her orenge hair, but then he came. The social worker called her and said she could now play with her friend - neither Hisana or Itachi ever understood why she had said that because they didn't remember each other - with whom she was found, and gave them some toys. At the time, Hisana was meeky and shy, so the fact that someone wanted to play with her gave her a big self-confidence boost; after that she didn't care what the otheres tought of her and she became more outspoken and a daredevil. She was happy because he came in her life.

    Itachi on the other hand, has been moked because of his frendship with Hisana, so he tought he should just start to blend in, but ofcourse, she didn't allow him to fall and go trough the same thing she did - instead she fought his battle for him and won. And for that kindness Itachi could never repay her, from then on, he respected her more than anyone and was always by her side.

    But this isn't the only thing thet keeps their relationship so strong, it's also the fact that they know each otheres biggest secret: for as long as they can remember they can see ghostes. When they were first talking about it, Itachi was surprised how flegmatic Hisana was.

    " You don't find it odd? " he said

    " Why would I? I can see them too and to be honest, I saw you couple of times talking to the creepy smiling guy. " the girl responded

    " Really? " he said thoughtfully

    " Yes, actualy the only difference between us is that I can recognize them right away...as much as I'm aware. " she said with a slight smile witch gave up her victorious feeling.

    " How did you learn it? "

    " I don't remember, it's like I've always known. "

    Time has passed and and our heroes have descovered more about their poweres. Itachi had a bow and an arrow, to them unknown power (Quincy), witch he could use to slay the beasts (Hollows) that were disturbing local spirits and Hisana could make a laser (similar to Ichigo's original shikai).

    ...


    When Hisana and Itachi had finnished their little talk at the pond they decided to go for a walk, even though it was freezing. As they were heading to the abandoned train station, which was their favourite place to hang, they were stopped by a ghost.

    " Ku, ku, ku, where are you going? " he asked [I bet you know who he isssss :3]

    " Why you ask? " said Hisana quickly

    " Ah, you know I realy care for you two little Quincys. " he said with his never loseing grin

    Hisana's face got so red that you'd think it's hot enough to fry an egg. Meanwhile Itachi was calming her down.
    " There are people here, just chill. We'll let him with us for a while."

    Hisana nodded, but with obvious dissatisfaction. As soon as they arrived the ghost spoke: " So, how's your training going? "

    " Great, it's like I grow stronger only by talking. " said Itachi

    " Naaaawh, in that case you have enough power to dominate the world, ku ku ku." said the ghost making Itachi blush and Hisana laughing out loud, which rarely happened in his presance. " And how are you doing Hisana? "

    " I'm powerfoul as much as I like, Gin. " she raplyed a bit rough.

    " Oh, no need to be so down about your self, you're stronger than you think " on both Itachi and Hisana's surprise he replyed.

    " What are y- " she wanted to say but Gin stopped her.

    " Nawh, nawh, I know I'm right, and I'm going to test you..." Hisanas eyes spreaded of amazement and something between fear and happiness....


    ~ please tell me Your opinion on my work ~

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    Last edited by Hikari Uchiha Senju; 07-02-2013 at 03:01 PM.

  2. #2
    Sweety!Get Mommy's Bazooka foxyladyland's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    wowzers they are really in for some trouble wobble [pronounced wubble in this sentence]
    nice continuation weeeeeeeee ku ku ku
     
         

  3. #3
    Member nanacha's Avatar
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    Le cœur a ses raisons que la
    raison ne connaît point.
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    i liked it ,keep it up
     
         

  4. #4
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Thanks both!
     
         

  5. #5
    Twisted Scientist Frankenstein's Avatar
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    They say I 'm a troubled boy,
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    what's wrong with a little
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Yay Gin! Gin is one of my favorites so I am biased, I liked it
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    So it was Gin! I couldn't guess that it was him until you said his name

    Nice chapter
     
         

  7. #7
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Wow amazing .... Hina-chan you are the best

    loved reading it... Superb can't wait for the next chapter

    plus rep for great read ....
     
         

  8. #8
    Member projecttsukinome's Avatar
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    u either die as a hero or live
    long enough to see urself
    become the villain
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    A good continuation. Splendid. I really like it. Now i will be waiting for the next chapter.
     
         

  9. #9
    Senior Member Braveknight's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    nice chapter, keep it up
     
         

  10. #10
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Gin ? aww well i guessed wrong then
    I wish chapters were longer anyway great job !
     
         

  11. #11
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyo4 View Post
    Yay Gin! Gin is one of my favorites so I am biased, I liked it
    Glad you did ^_^
    Quote Originally Posted by -Tsuki View Post
    So it was Gin! I couldn't guess that it was him until you said his name

    Nice chapter
    Yep! ^_^
    Thanks
    Quote Originally Posted by ~Zonta~ View Post
    Wow amazing .... Hina-chan you are the best

    loved reading it... Superb can't wait for the next chapter

    plus rep for great read ....
    Thanks ^_^
    Oh, come on, there are much better ff's than mine
    Yayyyy
    Quote Originally Posted by projecttsukinome View Post
    A good continuation. Splendid. I really like it. Now i will be waiting for the next chapter.
    Thanks ^_^
    Quote Originally Posted by Braveknight View Post
    nice chapter, keep it up
    Thanks :D
    Quote Originally Posted by Hēi View Post
    Gin ? aww well i guessed wrong then
    I wish chapters were longer anyway great job !
    Thanks tbh, I doubt many people would read it (I don't like really long things myself) but I'll try :D
     
         

  12. #12
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Quote Originally Posted by Hikari Uchiha Senju View Post
    Thanks ^_^
    Oh, come on, there are much better ff's than mine
    Yayyyy
    Welcome

    there might be some awesome writer's out there but none of them is Hina chan
     
         

  13. #13
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Quote Originally Posted by ~Zonta~ View Post
    Welcome

    there might be some awesome writer's out there but none of them is Hina chan
    oh, stop it you :3
     
         

  14. #14
    Demon Sannin RasenUchihaChaos's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    i thought i be oro not gin lol
     
         

  15. #15
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Staph it, u put my fav author to shame. >_<
     
         

  16. #16
    Senior Member TheHokage's Avatar
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    An opinion is not a fact...
     

    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Great continuation, things are getting interesting and fast.
     
         

  17. #17
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Quote Originally Posted by RasenUchihaChaos View Post
    i thought i be oro not gin lol
    don't worry, he'll come up too
    Quote Originally Posted by UchihaMadara01 View Post
    Staph it, u put my fav author to shame. >_<
    ok,which part you didn't like? maybe I can make it better :D
    Quote Originally Posted by TheHokage View Post
    Great continuation, things are getting interesting and fast.
    Thanks :D
     
         

  18. #18
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Alright, so I've read both of your chapters at this point so I'll give my comments on both chapters and make them a whole.

    First off, I feel you'd do yourself well to give a little extra care in proof reading your chapters before posting them. If you use MS Word or some other sort of word processor prior to posting, they should be able to catch spelling and grammatical mistakes within your writing. As far as the two chapters, there were more mistakes in the first than in this one, but both have quite a few, which made it harder to read for me. You could also try for, getting other people you know to proof read your chapters before you post them. Getting somebody else's eyes on the work will get rid of more mistakes.

    Second issue I found was your sentence structure. Aside from the spelling, there were some grammatical issues within both. As it's late for me (Reading because I'm bored) I'm not going to point out everything but I will give you some general examples of what I've seen momentarily. The way you're constructing your sentences is not the most...fluid I should say. The chapters don't feel as though they're flowing in an entertaining way that makes the reader want to continue reading. It also makes it a little bit confusing. Some of it also has to do with the way you transition the events in the chapter from one thing to another. I suppose the main thing I'm trying to say is, try to make your story flow better than you're doing now, that way you'll get a better appreciation from your audience. People may like the story and what you're trying to say. They may get the idea of what's going on but if you don't convey it better you'll get more genuine story.
     
         

  19. #19
    Hime Hikari Uchiha Senju's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    Quote Originally Posted by Shouhen View Post
    Alright, so I've read both of your chapters at this point so I'll give my comments on both chapters and make them a whole.

    First off, I feel you'd do yourself well to give a little extra care in proof reading your chapters before posting them. If you use MS Word or some other sort of word processor prior to posting, they should be able to catch spelling and grammatical mistakes within your writing. As far as the two chapters, there were more mistakes in the first than in this one, but both have quite a few, which made it harder to read for me. You could also try for, getting other people you know to proof read your chapters before you post them. Getting somebody else's eyes on the work will get rid of more mistakes.

    Second issue I found was your sentence structure. Aside from the spelling, there were some grammatical issues within both. As it's late for me (Reading because I'm bored) I'm not going to point out everything but I will give you some general examples of what I've seen momentarily. The way you're constructing your sentences is not the most...fluid I should say. The chapters don't feel as though they're flowing in an entertaining way that makes the reader want to continue reading. It also makes it a little bit confusing. Some of it also has to do with the way you transition the events in the chapter from one thing to another. I suppose the main thing I'm trying to say is, try to make your story flow better than you're doing now, that way you'll get a better appreciation from your audience. People may like the story and what you're trying to say. They may get the idea of what's going on but if you don't convey it better you'll get more genuine story.
    thanks for your opinion! I'm really thankful for it! I hope I made some progress in the next chapter...
     
         

  20. #20
    Kuroi Honoo's Avatar
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter II

    I liked the character development in this chapter. It appears that the bond between Hisana and Itachi was deeper than I had thought. Ah, here it is the genre revelation-so supernatural at the moment which is one of my top favorite genres btw I liked where this is headed thus far ^^ I see now, so this is a Bleach-based fanfiction-cool as I’ve yet to read one lol I really like that Hisana and Itachi are both Quincy! ^^ I wonder what is the deal with the ghost but at the moment it seems to be friendly and encouraging. I’m interested to see how these characters continue to interact
     
         

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