View Poll Results: Whatcha think of the first draft

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  1. #1
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    Check this out for me guys-Need Advice

    Its been a long time since I did this but I'm working on several raps but this one is the one I need advice on. I'm recording so I can make my first album, so please help if ya can. Basically how is it and can you "feel" it. Just simple advice, it doesn't have to be long. Lemme know if you like it or now, its just a rough draft

    And I know flow,entertainment, and mic presence matter but right now I'm just asking you guys to read it and help me out

    starts @ 00:29,


    Chorus

    One time for the person, you love the most
    Two times if you wanna let, the whole world know
    you can feel their heart beat, from coast to coast
    And if love is a drug, you'll always overdose

    One time for the person, you'll do anything for
    Two times if all they want is you, and nothing more
    When life knocks hards, you both stand like a door
    One time if you understand, what love is for


    When this pen hit paper, man I can't even write
    When you message me at night, I can't even type
    I forget all the words, how can I spit on the mic
    Cuz everything I say is true, its apart of my life
    You're the only one in the audience, I got stage fright
    I'm not acting when I say I wanna, make u my wife
    what I'm reading isn't a script, their vows for life
    Like the way you walk with a swerve, I just wanna drive
    Lay you down with Tiffany, Burberry, Armani and Fendi
    Bugatti, Ferrari, Panagi, and Lamborghini
    Anything your heart desire girl, you know I'm yo genie
    I'm here to break you outta them chains, like Houdini
    lasso the moon for ya but we don't need to horse around
    You're a matador, I'm a bull, no wonder I'm attracted to you now
    never thought I'll hear how shit sound until haters open there mouth
    she don't pay attention to 'em cuz she don't look down



    i FINISHED The entire song now, let me know whats your favorite verse, I think verse three is the best, its starts at 3:04

    Its been a long time since I did this but I'm working on several raps but this one is the one I need advice on. I'm recording so I can make my first album, so please help if ya can. Basically how is it and can you "feel" it. Just simple advice, it doesn't have to be long. Lemme know if you like it or now, its just a rough draft

    And I know flow,entertainment, and mic presence matter but right now I'm just asking you guys to read it and help me out

    starts @ 00:29,


    One time for the person, you love the most
    Two times if you wanna let, the whole world know
    you can feel their heart beat, from coast to coast
    And if love is a drug, you'll always overdose

    One time for the person, you'll do anything for
    Two times if all they want is you, and nothing more
    When life knocks hards, you both stand like a door
    One time if you understand, what love is for


    When this pen hit paper, man I can't even write
    When you text me at night, man I can't even type
    I don’t need jordan shoes cuz you make me take flight
    even on my darkest days you guide my path with light
    only one in the audience but I got stage fright
    no acting when I say, I wanna make u my wife
    what I'm reading is not a script, their vows for life
    the way you walk with a swerve, I just wanna drive (ah)

    One time for the person, you love the most
    Two times if you wanna hold hug them close
    you can feel their heart beat, from coast to coast
    And if love is a drug, you'll always overdose

    One time for the person, you'll do anything for
    Two times if all they want is you, and nothing more
    When life knocks hards, you both stand like a door
    One time if you understand, what love is for

    Lay you down with Tiffany, Burberry, Armani and Fendi
    Bugatti, Ferrari, Panagi, and Lamborghini
    Anything your heart desire girl, you know I'm yo genie
    I’ll break you outta them chains, like I’m Houdini
    lasso the moon for you, yeah, we can horse around
    matador and I'm a bull, I'm attracted to you now
    type of girl that got her own, ha her mama proud
    how do you do the things you do , man I just don't know how
    wait, hold up, life isn't butterflies and wedding cakes
    the point of an eraser so we can all fix our mistakes
    Love bite both ways, double headed snake
    life is a movie, when it gets hard you gotta retake
    make-up, break-up, apologize, repeat
    like yin and yang you need each other, to be complete
    gotta keep it together, stay strong like concrete
    got me running for ya love like an olympic athlete

    One time for the person, you love the most
    Two times if you wanna let, the whole world know
    you can feel their heart beat, from coast to coast
    And if love is a drug, you'll always overdose

    One time for the person, you'll do anything for
    Two times if all they want is you, and nothing more
    When life knocks hards, you both stand like a door
    One time if you understand, what love is for


    I could repeat what I said , but damn, you speak for yourself
    Diamonds aint shit, you’re the definition of wealth
    silhouette of sexy, the shadow of beautiful
    other girls can do the math, to you they can’t equal
    man put the ruler down, can’t measure your beauty
    I’ll always be there for you, like it’s a call - of - duty
    your soldier of love, fight for you like Sparta
    inside of me is a hero, call me peter parker
    beauty and the beast, I’ll gladly be yo monsta
    prescribe me your love, aint that why you ma docta
    increase my confidence, like I’m drunk off vodka
    got that power in ya drive, aint talking bout honda
    yeah, , girl I’m talking bout you
    Every pulse my heart take, means I’m telling the truth
    I love how you got class, but you been finished school
    they say a woman makes a man, but you stand by me too
     
         
    Last edited by Ira; 07-04-2013 at 06:14 PM.

  2. #2
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    Re: I finally finished it

    It's good, but I don't feel it because this isn't personally my taste. I'm sure there's people that will.

    Good luck on your album bro. I would kill to be able to make one now.
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Quote Originally Posted by rikerslade View Post
    It's good, but I don't feel it because this isn't personally my taste. I'm sure there's people that will.

    Good luck on your album bro. I would kill to be able to make one now.
    thanks bro, some people may not like this type of rap music but thats why I do a range, can't wait to drop it
     
         

  4. #4
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    Re: I finally finished it

    u are not even rappin.. its just an insturment..
     
         

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    Re: I finally finished it

    Quote Originally Posted by CurseSealofEarth View Post
    I finished a sandwich earlier.
    can I have a piece
     
         

  6. #6
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Quote Originally Posted by Luffy324 View Post
    u are not even rappin.. its just an insturment..
    before you record.....you have to write, please read what I wrote in bold on top of the instrumental
     
         

  7. #7
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Quote Originally Posted by NarutAwesome View Post
    can I have a piece
    No, it wasn't a very good sandwich. It had bacon on it though so I was able to ignore anything with health.
     
         

  8. #8
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Oh loving the instrumental song
    Yeah the rapping is kinda my type, so I guess all I can say is keep editing till you think it's ready and go for it !

    Good luck
     
         

  9. #9
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Quote Originally Posted by Cypher View Post
    beat is just like everything else out and lyrics look like a combo of simple rhymes ripped material you threw together

    simple like k- fed lyrics
    my shit is original, I make them up, and the beat is just a beat, check out my rap link in my sig then talk shit
     
         

  10. #10
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Kinda made me want to Masterbate in a dim candlelit room.
     
         

  11. #11
    Error Naruko uzumaki's Avatar
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Amazing dattebayo!
     
         

  12. #12
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Quote Originally Posted by Cypher View Post
    you cant take critisim is not my problem little boy your shit is played out an all you ryme is one word at the end of each line that is some pre school shit
    smdh, bro, this rap is just poetic, I'm not going hard in this, now show me something you got, naw, you can't, lmao, I can internal rhyme my ass off, like I said, listen to my rap in my sig

    and I'm finna record a duo with a friend and a solo of me spitting heavy
     
         

  13. #13
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Quote Originally Posted by Cypher View Post
    you finna hahaha fake ass bro that is what you are.....with your simple rhymes

    and these are some of the kids i grew up with this isnt his best stuff but most of it is on cds and cant load it.....this kid is now making thousands in cd sales and shows in toronto and more

    the other 2 guyz kinda suck but he is good unlike your fake ass



    funny thing is, I just started recording, thats my first video, and you're judging me?....the guy who have to show his friend vid cuz he don't have shit, smdh

    I know I have to improve but I also know I'm pretty good, I just started,
     
         

  14. #14
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Quote Originally Posted by Cypher View Post
    i dont rap bro i use to do other shit but ive been around real rappers and im giving you advice but you dont take it cuz your to cool well then sit still with you simple rhymes and you weak traditional nuthing special lyrics and go no where

    orrrrr

    take my advice and step your game up....come up with some original material and throw it together in a more complex way .....rapping is somehting you either have or you dont and i dont think you have it plenty of ppl think they are good look at the try out to american idole but people who are truly good like crooked fingaz a.k.a rooks macoy there he calls himself now he was good since he was 13 he was tearing out ppls teeth and by 16 he was in the clubs knocking off wanna be rappers and now he makes big money
    See this is better advice, I have no idea why u were rude to begin with, I'll take your advice, really i am, thanks, I know I have to practice and work harder but I only been on the mic once and that wasn't even that good, lol, but I feel u dawg
     
         

  15. #15
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    Re: I finally finished it

    Quote Originally Posted by Cypher View Post
    dont call me dawg bro i hate that fake gangster talk but spend more time on your rhymes and dont just write stuff that sounds good write stuff that is true to youself and who you are cuz if your just writing to try and sound good then you will never come with orignal and real shit and start producing your own beats or find someone who does and team up



    very few make it this guy had a whole crew of 8 guyz who use to sell crack and guns and rap in their offtime and only he made it cuz only he had the real raw talent the rest of them just dole with him now but he is the one who made it

    if you wanna make it you gotta have tha raw talent and i dont wanna be rude i do not think you have it because he never wrote simple stuff it was just in him but good luck anyway maybe i will be wrong im not always right
    iF you are going to give criticism, don't put any insults in it, because that will just invalidate it to the person you are saying it too.. You are here tryna act hard and put someone down at the same time, your wasting your time, Basically what i'm saying your opinion means nothing lol, especially if you are being an ******* at the same time.


    and by the way NA, This ain't really my style but I can appreciate the integrity. but the last little verse at the end.....

    I could repeat what I said , but damn, you speak for yourself
    Diamonds aint shit, you’re the definition of wealth
    silhouette of sexy, the shadow of beautiful
    other girls can do the math, to you they can’t equal
    man put the ruler down, can’t measure your beauty
    I’ll always be there for you, like it’s a call - of - duty


    ^^ Right there you were on to something, Raw ass punches, and metaphors... I think the second part of it was a little weaker, but over all my favorite part of the song......
     
         

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