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  1. #1
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    [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    III


    Hisana was shivering. She wanted to say Gin to stop playing, but was stopped by his hand touching her mouth, and with his other hand, he snapped his fingers ripping one part of the sky showing a huge scarecrow-like thing which resembled the monsters she and Itachi fought.

    When the thing came out, Hisana felt like it's power went inside her soul causing her muscles to paralyze; a thousand images went through her mind and in every single one she would see herself dead. That state could last forever, but it faded as soon as she saw it attacking an innocent soul.
    She focused on her energy and unleashed the laser which had barely scratched her opponent. " What? I gave my best and nothing happened? " Hisana thought to herself. She ran as fast as she could toward her thunderstruck friend Itachi who was pale like someone dipped his head in flour.

    " Come on moron! I can't do it alone!" she said while shaking him.

    The duo now used their powers combined which gave some results - the monsters arm was severely damaged. Our heroes felt strong and had faith that they would win this 'battle', than, just in a split of a second, Itachi saw Hisana is about to be attacked. He didn't know what happened, but as the huge laser went to her a yellow light appeared in front of his friend and even though she was thrown 10 meters away, Hisana seemed to be alive.

    Itachi now had to face the monster on his own, and, on his luck, there were two men and a women to help him.

    " Don't worry we're on your side! " said the woman "....in fact we're you" she added.

    Itachi was completely confused, yet he had no choice but to thrust them.
    Meanwhile, Hisana was trying to get up and fight. She couldn't accept that she was knocked down before her friend. When she stood up a woman appeared next to her asking her if she's injured while not letting a single sound.
    " No, I'm fine." said Hisana, energetically closing her eyes because she saw the woman in double.

    " I haven't said anything, but that's what I was going to ask...." the woman mumbled with a slight smile.

    Hisana opened her eyes and saw one image of the woman trying to tough her, while the other, the clearer one, was doing the exact same thing only slower. " I have no idea what is this, but I like it! " Hisana thought while running to help Itachi alongside the woman who came to her.

    " Oh my God! Why are your eyes red, are you ok?! " almost hysterically yelled Itachi.

    " I'm fine, now just do as I say, I'll explain later! " Hisana answered.

    She looked at the monster and saw its about to make a huge laser again, so when it opened it's mouth she immediately hit it with her, much smaller, laser which somehow had bigger power now. The thing started to spin around spilling blood and making horrible noises similar to screaming.
    Sky opened again and the beast disappeared into the hole that was made. Everything was over now; the only thing that was left for Hisana and Itachi was to deal with those people who came to help them and with Hisanas eyes.

    " Ummm, thanks for helping us. But who are you? " Itachi asked the people

    " What an idiot. Are you even aware of what you can do? " said one of the men

    " Stop it Hemamaru! " spoke the other one " We represent a part of your powers, I'm Edward and I defend you. Summon me by saying ' Seikatsu shīrudo ', alright Itachi - kun? "

    " Yeah, I guess so.... And what can you two do? " replied Itachi

    " Well, as he said before I'm Hemamaru. I can attack your opponents if you want me to. ' Onegai o ansatsu ' is what you have t- " said a rough looking man, and was interrupted by the woman.

    " And the last but not the least - my glorious self, Momoko! You can summon me by saying ' Hana no namida '.... Oh, by the way, how are your eyes Hisana, you seem to be fine. " said the woman and started to rise her hand to examine her 'patient'.

    Hisana grabbed Momoko's had instantly. " Yes, I'm fine and this thing is my new power, I can see what anyone is going to do in next like 5 seconds, it's great! "

    " Do you even know how to control it? " asked Itachi

    " Well, uhhh... Maybe it works on my will and it's gonna pass when I calm down? " replied Hisana

    " No, I doubt that. If it was the case it would have already be gone... Try to think about it disappearing. " said Momoko.

    Hisana silently obeyed. She closed her eyes and focused for a minute or two. On everyones big relief, her eyes turned into it's original form.

    " Well, now when we've cleared up some things, I just have to ask WHERE DAFUQ IS GIN?! I'm going to strangle him! " spoke Hisana with fiery look in her eyes.

    " Calm down Hisana, it's not his fault. " Itachi said timidly.

    " Of course, thanks for reminding me that it's YOUR fault! "

    " What ? " he said with sweat poring from his fronthead.

    " If you didn't let him go with us, he would've never summoned that thing! Now, prepare for suffering! " she replied with a pseudo-evil look.

    So the two 'argued' for a long time, but at the end of the day they went back into their usual routine of pranking each other and of course, a gossiping people they don't like.

    ~please tell me Your honest opinion on my work~


     
         
    Last edited by Hikari Uchiha Senju; 07-02-2013 at 10:47 PM.

  2. #2
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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    In bleach, its the girl with the blessed face :I
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    I loved this seriously ...damn your so good at this

    This had an epic feel to it when I read while listening to Bullet for my valentine -Your betrayal
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    Wow amazing .... Hina-chan you are the best Plus rep for excellent read

    loved reading it... Superb can't wait for the next chapter cause I love both Itachi and Hisana
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    There's more of the same from this chapter. You're still making a lot of these grammatical mistakes which is causing the story to lack coherence. The general idea is getting across but as for the general feel and flow of the story, it's just as it was in the last chapters, very lacking and in need of work.
    _________

    " Come on moron! I can't do it alone!" she said while shaking him.

    The duo now used their powers combined which gave some results - the monsters arm was severely damaged. Our heroes felt strong and had faith that they would win this 'battle', than, just in a split of a second, Itachi saw Hisana is about to be attacked. He didn't know what happened, but as the huge laser went to her a yellow light appeared in front of his friend and even though she was thrown 10 meters away, Hisana seemed to be alive.
    Let me start with this excerpt. Before, you mention Hisana running towards an unconscious/rattled Itachi. One, you never stated in this chapter, how he was rendered in such a state. You ma have in the last chapter but you should've had a brief description within the story recalling a little bit. Either way I don't remember in either case where Itachi was rendered in that "thunderstuck" state.

    Now for the actual quote, you mention Hisana asking him to assist her after just telling us he was pale and then you transition to both of them attacking this monster or whatever. Like I said before, your transitions need a lot of work. How did Itachi muster up the power to do this? How did he get up or channel his energy or whatever. You completely skip that part and that is an area of confusion.

    Now for the issue of you use of tense. Throughout the story, you shift tenses from past and present. You need to stay consistent otherwise you don't make any sense. From this pieces in specific:

    "than, just in a split of a second, Itachi saw Hisana is about to be attacked. He didn't know what happened"

    See the bolded portions? 'saw' is past tense, 'is' is present, 'didn't' is past again. The way they're used in these sentences completely skews flow of the chapter to something that doesn't make sense because we don't know if the events you're describing are occurring now or have already occurred. You've been using the past tense more so stick with that.

    Itachi now had to face the monster on his own, and, on his luck, there were two men and a women to help him.
    You said he had to face something alone as if it were a definite and then you say he has two people to help him. This doesn't make sense at all. For one you mention the first part as if it were certain, then the second part you have no introduction to these two other people. You don't tell us where they came from or how they got there to assist Itachi.

    These are only some of the examples, there are quite a few more. I read the chapter, though it was more as if I were scanning it for the errors so I cannot comment on the story right now. I'm still very confused as to what's going on because of the way you've structured and how you're writing. I would suggest getting somebody you know as a good writer or has a strong enough command of the English language to proof read your chapters for you before you post. Have them help you this way it will make them come out clearer.
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    Quote Originally Posted by AllomnisymbolsparttwoT View Post
    In bleach, its the girl with the blessed face :I
    ....ookkkkkk...
    Quote Originally Posted by P3IN View Post
    I loved this seriously ...damn your so good at this

    This had an epic feel to it when I read while listening to Bullet for my valentine -Your betrayal
    Really? thanks!!!!
    I adore BFMV, btw

    Quote Originally Posted by ~Zonta~ View Post
    Wow amazing .... Hina-chan you are the best Plus rep for excellent read

    loved reading it... Superb can't wait for the next chapter cause I love both Itachi and Hisana
    I'm glad you think so :D
    thankies Neal - kun
    Quote Originally Posted by Shouhen View Post
    There's more of the same from this chapter. You're still making a lot of these grammatical mistakes which is causing the story to lack coherence. The general idea is getting across but as for the general feel and flow of the story, it's just as it was in the last chapters, very lacking and in need of work.
    _________



    Let me start with this excerpt. Before, you mention Hisana running towards an unconscious/rattled Itachi. One, you never stated in this chapter, how he was rendered in such a state. You ma have in the last chapter but you should've had a brief description within the story recalling a little bit. Either way I don't remember in either case where Itachi was rendered in that "thunderstuck" state.

    Now for the actual quote, you mention Hisana asking him to assist her after just telling us he was pale and then you transition to both of them attacking this monster or whatever. Like I said before, your transitions need a lot of work. How did Itachi muster up the power to do this? How did he get up or channel his energy or whatever. You completely skip that part and that is an area of confusion.

    Now for the issue of you use of tense. Throughout the story, you shift tenses from past and present. You need to stay consistent otherwise you don't make any sense. From this pieces in specific:

    "than, just in a split of a second, Itachi saw Hisana is about to be attacked. He didn't know what happened"

    See the bolded portions? 'saw' is past tense, 'is' is present, 'didn't' is past again. The way they're used in these sentences completely skews flow of the chapter to something that doesn't make sense because we don't know if the events you're describing are occurring now or have already occurred. You've been using the past tense more so stick with that.



    You said he had to face something alone as if it were a definite and then you say he has two people to help him. This doesn't make sense at all. For one you mention the first part as if it were certain, then the second part you have no introduction to these two other people. You don't tell us where they came from or how they got there to assist Itachi.

    These are only some of the examples, there are quite a few more. I read the chapter, though it was more as if I were scanning it for the errors so I cannot comment on the story right now. I'm still very confused as to what's going on because of the way you've structured and how you're writing. I would suggest getting somebody you know as a good writer or has a strong enough command of the English language to proof read your chapters for you before you post. Have them help you this way it will make them come out clearer.
    God, I worked so hard on the form of the sentences and spelling....
    I see what are you pointing at and in my opinion its understandable, yet I must agree with you on the second quote, I messed it up badly... Seems like I need a lot of practice :/

    Thanks for the advice and the time you spent reading my work (and replying).
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    "I just have to ask WHERE DAFUQ IS GIN?! "

    Scary woman!
    Nice chapter ^^
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    Quote Originally Posted by Hikari Uchiha Senju View Post
    ....ookkkkkk...

    Really? thanks!!!!
    I adore BFMV, btw


    I'm glad you think so :D
    thankies Neal - kun

    God, I worked so hard on the form of the sentences and spelling....
    I see what are you pointing at and in my opinion its understandable, yet I must agree with you on the second quote, I messed it up badly... Seems like I need a lot of practice :/

    Thanks for the advice and the time you spent reading my work (and replying).
    Of course it's understandable to you. Writers tend to have a bias, either conscious or unconsciously towards their own work. It's like my history teacher used to say: You know what you're trying to say but that doesn't mean somebody else who reads it knows what you're trying to say. Don't try to say things just say them. What she's saying is, you know what the intentions of your story are but if you don't write them down coherently enough others may not so the goal is to be mindful of how you write.
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    Quote Originally Posted by Shouhen View Post
    Of course it's understandable to you. Writers tend to have a bias, either conscious or unconsciously towards their own work. It's like my history teacher used to say: You know what you're trying to say but that doesn't mean somebody else who reads it knows what you're trying to say. Don't try to say things just say them. What she's saying is, you know what the intentions of your story are but if you don't write them down coherently enough others may not so the goal is to be mindful of how you write.
    She's a smart woman
    Anyway, the readers come first, and when I do something - it needs to be perfect aka very likable, therefore I shall practice :scorps:
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    beautiful & nice description for the actions , angelbeam
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    You have a lot of talent when it comes to storytelling so don't stop I actually wanna read more nice job
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    Quote Originally Posted by Hikari Uchiha Senju View Post
    She's a smart woman
    Anyway, the readers come first, and when I do something - it needs to be perfect aka very likable, therefore I shall practice :scorps:
    Yes, practice makes better since perfection doesn't exist as a reachable limit. It is the same as infinity
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    I have no idea what's going on, because I do not watch or read Bleach. Sorry, but I won't be of much help.
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    Well, crossovers always have the potential to suck big time, but this one doesn't look too bad, man Unfortunately, I don't have enough knowledge of Bleach's characters to know exactly who everyone is, but that aside, the story looks good. A few grammar errors here and there, but otherwise well-written. Nice job
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    When I read this I feel like I am reading Bleach. While your main female character is obviously more self confident then Orihime (sp?) she has almost the exact same powers. Small powerful creatures that only she can see that she can call on by calling out their names, mm. Also, just because people didn't read the first chapters doesn't mean you need to back track to explain the story to someone who hasn't read them.
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    Quote Originally Posted by foxyladyland View Post
    beautiful & nice description for the actions , angelbeam
    Thanks sugarplum
    Quote Originally Posted by OWanime View Post
    You have a lot of talent when it comes to storytelling so don't stop I actually wanna read more nice job
    thank you
    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    Yes, practice makes better since perfection doesn't exist as a reachable limit. It is the same as infinity
    True :D
    Quote Originally Posted by DoubleA49 View Post
    I have no idea what's going on, because I do not watch or read Bleach. Sorry, but I won't be of much help.
    It's ok dude :D
    Quote Originally Posted by chakrawizard555 View Post
    Well, crossovers always have the potential to suck big time, but this one doesn't look too bad, man Unfortunately, I don't have enough knowledge of Bleach's characters to know exactly who everyone is, but that aside, the story looks good. A few grammar errors here and there, but otherwise well-written. Nice job
    Thanks ^^ I'll work on my grammar :D
    Quote Originally Posted by MontyTheGreat View Post
    When I read this I feel like I am reading Bleach. While your main female character is obviously more self confident then Orihime (sp?) she has almost the exact same powers. Small powerful creatures that only she can see that she can call on by calling out their names, mm. Also, just because people didn't read the first chapters doesn't mean you need to back track to explain the story to someone who hasn't read them.
    Um, Itachi's a boy and he has Orihime's powers... Hisana, on the other hand, has the 'eye power'...
    God, I really need to work on explaining stuff
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    Well written
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    Quote Originally Posted by -Tsuki View Post
    "I just have to ask WHERE DAFUQ IS GIN?! "

    Scary woman!
    Nice chapter ^^
    Exactly, where the hell is Gin? o_O
    And you pulled the Orihime. Not bad, not bad, but please make it better and more useful than the actual Orihime

    Good, good.
    I don't mind the grammar and syntax, as you are bound to get better the more you write, notice your mistakes and correct them. Which you are doing, apparently.

    Just try to be more descriptive. Don't be lazy!
    The readers appreciate the descriptions. They help them see the images you are imagining in your mind when you write and imagine them in their own way in their own mind, thus following the story easier and enjoying it more.
     
         
    Last edited by Frankenstein; 07-04-2013 at 09:06 AM.

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    great story bro
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    Quote Originally Posted by uchihamad View Post
    Well written
    Thanks
    Quote Originally Posted by Frankenstein View Post
    Exactly, where the hell is Gin? o_O
    And you pulled the Orihime. Not bad, not bad, but please make it better and more useful than the actual Orihime

    Good, good.
    I don't mind the grammar and syntax, as you are bound to get better the more you write, notice your mistakes and correct them. Which you are doing, apparently.

    Just try to be more descriptive. Don't be lazy!
    The readers appreciate the descriptions. They help them see the images you are imagining in your mind when you write and imagine them in their own way in their own mind, thus following the story easier and enjoying it more.
    He will be ^^
    Ofc, I'm working on that :D
    Never thought on it that way... I will work on that!
    Quote Originally Posted by sanninuto View Post
    great story bro
    Imma gurl
    Thanks, man
     
         

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    Re: [Bleruto FF] The girl with blessed eyes: Chapter III

    The training session presented by Gin was very interesting and unexpected. The two men and woman suddenly appearing and then providing assistance was strange. Hisana is definitely more courageous than Itachi. So these individuals that randomly appeared are the representations of their power-that is awesome. It seems this type of power shares similarities with Orihime’s Shun Shun Rikka and Fullbring. I wonder where Gin disappeared to. The ending of this chapter only furthered character development between Hisana/Itachi. The chapters are getting better and better and I’m looking forward to the next one ^^
     
         

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