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    ǝsɔoɹdııns Escorpiius's Avatar
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    "I'm suprised you know
    such useless things. This is
    the first time since birth
    that I've admired you. By the
    way, will you be eating that
    cake?”
     



    The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Chapter 2 - Blackout


    Ayumi: Kaede, can't you be faster? Use a little more energy...

    Kaede: ...

    Kaede was inevitably pissed at Ayumi's orders. He was starting to wonder if he was taken out of that prison to merely be a flunkey for Ayumi...

    Kaede: You want more speed? You certainly have opted for the finest means of transport to skyrocket our journey...

    Kaede's assertion has rarely been so full of sarcasm. Facing an endless blue ocean under the basking heat, he was rowing for nearly an hour, a canoe of approximately 17 foot while Ayumi was shamelessly harmonizing with the tickling of the light breeze.

    Ayumi: I thought you were more useful than that, Kaede.

    Kaede: And I thought you were more intelligent than that.

    Ayumi: Oh really?

    Kaede: Yes. I thought that a Chief Inspector would atleast have traveled in an aircraft or even a ship, to a lone ghost island that resided dangerous criminals.

    Ayumi: Freeing you is a top-secret mission. Did you envision that I'd bring a delegation for you?

    Kaede: Still, a canoe? You c...

    Ayumi: Shut up and paddle!

    The order was swift and resonant; similar to bossy Ayumi's traits and something Kaede was now getting used to. He could have kept arguing but this was one desperate strife in which he was never victorious. Ayumi seemed to nail it with such élan every single time. Not to mention that Kaede could easily foresee a situation where the devil inside Ayumi awakens once more, if she were to become irate yet again. And in the middle of unknown realm of waters, was certainly not a dream place to witness that horrifying sight. Instead, Kaede had a more enchanting sight in front of him: Ayumi!

    Her pristine snowy skin was glowing in the sparkling sunrays amidst the never-ending blue. The light whiff was blowing her light-brown hair dimly across her olive eyes - eyes that seemed amazed by the abyss of the sea. Kaede was admiring Ayumi's delicate beauty more and more. His sharp eyes noticed a small indentation in her right cheek that he guessed as a dimple; though she was yet to smile spiritedly since they met. His eyes was allured by her sylphlike spotless neck but before he could contemplate further down of her graceful body, Ayumi looked towards him, as he duly shied away. However, Ayumi was looking further away than Kaede and as Kaede turned around, he noticed that Ayumi was looking towards the prison island; that was no more visible to the eye.

    Ayumi: I think this shall do it, Kaede!

    She took out a small gadget from her pocket and activated it; as it started beeping red. And mere seconds later, a raucous sound was being heard; as a black jet emerged from the north-east. As it neared towards their canoe; Ayumi indicated Kaede to stand up while a rope ladder hanged from the jet.

    Ayumi signaled Kaede to grab it instantly. Both of them grabbed the ropes tightly as the jet kept on moving. Kaede, as calm-headed in front of challenges, wasn't really intimated but he was surprised by Ayumi. She was not only clinging onto the ropes but her slender frame started climbing it. Slowly, Ayumi, followed by Kaede, entered through the jet door that closed promptly, as they got inside.

    Ayumi: Well-timed, Hiro-kun!

    A boy in his 20s was sitting near the cockpit; his head and his sky-blue hair visible from above the chair he sat upon.

    Hiromitsu: You sure that the precautions were enough?

    Ayumi: We...

    Kaede: Sorry to interrupt both of you but how about an introduction first?

    Ayumi freckled in irk; seemingly annoyed of being interrupted. And given that he was able to see through that expression, Kaede concluded that Ayumi showed it off.

    Hiromitsu: I'm Hiromitsu Arai, Chief Analyst of CIA and you must be Shindou-san?

    Kaede: Indeed. Kaede Shindou and I'm somewhat more requited that Ayumi-san did provided me a dignified pick-up crew afterall...

    Ayumi: Don't think too high of yourself, Kaede. And Hiro-kun, the precautions were far from perfect but I think, it won't create any future problems. We waited for the island to be out of sight. Even if the sound of the jet might have alerted them, we got on board without stopping and in fast motion. And seemingly, most guards seemed happy that Kaede was leaving their custody; and no one would blame them.

    Kaede grabbed the pun but he chose to ignore it. Afterall, he brought this one on himself.

    Ayumi: Thereby I don't think they would have followed us extensively.

    Kaede was now discerning Ayumi's point of view. Quite clearly, Ayumi was releasing him hazardously without much liability, that she seemed to take onto her own. Hiromitsu didn't seem convinced by Ayumi's explanation though, but he devoted his engrossment on his portable-computer screen rather than in budging Ayumi. Kaede, meanwhile, started analysing the spacious vessel of the jet. He could quite clearly tell that the backroom didn't contain any human smell but the most intriguing part was a railing system throughout the whole jet, upon which was set up the chair of Hiromitsu.

    Ayumi: So, when will we reach there?

    Hiromitsu: It shouldn't take more than half-an-hour now!

    Ayumi gave a furtive glance to Kaede; who started sitting enthusiastically on a coach while eavesdropping cleverly on the conversation between Ayumi and Hiromitsu.

    Ayumi: By the way, Hiro-kun, did you bring the thing I asked you?

    Hiromitsu: You want to use it now?

    Ayumi: Why waste time? So, have you got it?

    Hiromitsu sighed; as he paused his game that he was playing and bent down to remove a miniscule trunk.

    Hiromitsu: I haven't tested it since I fabricated it but...

    Hiromitsu halted his explanation as he turned around to hand it to Ayumi. She went into some sort of trance that was not outlandish to Hiromitsu. Even Kaede sensed that atmosphere a few feet back and recognized it instantly - that same crazy demented aura of Ayumi. Ayumi, with a vile daft smile, grabbed the box and made a thanking gesture to Hiromitsu; as she walked towards a freaked-out Kaede.

    Hiromitsu: Ayumi, I think you should...

    But Ayumi wasn't listening to him anymore, fueled by her obsession with that box and her "prey" insight.

    Kaede: W-what is t-t-there in this box?

    Ayumi: It contains the remedy to nullify your Sensyl Chip.

    Kaede was having deja-vu and he was starting to fear for his life. That box supposedly contained something to counteract his anomaly and he was afraid that Ayumi was again going to execute forward her sordid ideas. A scalpel, a scissor, a knife, a nailgun, a screwdriver - Kaede was trying to figure what death weapon was in that toolbox. As Ayumi started opening that box, Kaede scanned the jet for a parachute; jumping away from Ayumi, even into the gulf of rocky waters, was perhaps the wisest thing to do right now. But no such "salvation" item was here for Kaede. And soon Ayumi opened the case; that had two syringes.

    Kaede: What are those s-s-yringes for?

    Ayumi: It's to nullify your Sensyl Chip.

    Hiromitsu: The injection contain a microchip that I created on Ayumi's demand. It has the effect to blur out your Sensyl Values.

    Ayumi: Given that your Percept Grade is 0, you are going to pass out as a bland Obsolete in front of the Drones.

    Kaede was still skeptical about this but his curiosity was aroused nonetheless to hear the complete idea.

    Hiromitsu: Of course, this chip is pretty amateurish in concept and won't work in front of Advanced Scanners of CIE. But against brainless Drones, it shall do the trick!

    Ayumi: All you need to do, Kaede, is to stick with us and not get captured.

    Kaede: Roger that! But what is the second injection about?

    Hiromitsu: Oh, that is a mere anesthesia that's going to "mop" the pain and put you to sleep.

    Kaede: It's gonna hurt?

    Hiromitsu: We are inserting a chip in your spinal column, Shindou-san. It think that's self-explanatory.

    Ayumi: Take off your shirt, Kaede-kun.

    Kaede took off his shirt while Ayumi started smiling devilishly again, with the injection in hand.

    Kaede: Ayumi-san, be careful...

    However, Hiromitsu noticed the unresponsiveness of Ayumi towards Kaede's pledge.

    Hiromitsu: Ayumi, perhaps you should wait for...

    But Ayumi speedily planted the anesthetic injection into Kaede's neck, whose eyelids got heavy within seconds. He gradually lied down onto the couch in complete unconsciousness.

    Ayumi: You were saying, Hiro-kun?

    Vicious efficiency - a trademark of Ayumi that Hiromitsu witnessed in her for years now.

    Hiromitsu: Never mind, Ayumi.

    Hiromitsu got back to his game; ignoring Ayumi as he knew that Ayumi was not going to stop in any case. Sordid experiments was Ayumi's fetish and Hiromitsu let her be. Ayumi, meanwhile, injected the new chip into Kaede who was in dreamland.

    Ayumi: Hiro-kun, are you sure that this will work? Maybe you should have made some more?

    Hiromitsu: I like Shindou-san like that. So I'd prefer that you don't transform him into a sieve for now.

    Ayumi: Still, maybe...

    Hiromitsu: Ayumi, close that box now and let the poor thing sleep! This shall work, I'm 97.3% assertive of it.

    Ayumi slowly cleaned up the small mess while Hiromitsu kept on playing his game.

    Ayumi: By the way, how are you alone, Hiro-kun?

    Hiromitsu: Onoda didn't want to come.

    Ayumi: Why?

    Hiromitsu: He said that he is going to cover our absence at the Bureau but to be honest, I think he is jealous that you were going to release Shindou-san.

    Ayumi: Why would he be jealous?

    Hiromitsu: Surely, he doesn't want another manly subordinate swarming around you.

    Ayumi: He is a weird case. How does that affect him?

    Hiromitsu: He is weird but Ayumi, why don't you accept his advances?

    Ayumi: You want me to be like one of your eroge characters that you're playing right now?

    Hiromitsu: Except the anal, I don't think it'll be so wrong.

    Ayumi: If I feel like it someday, I will...

    Hiromitsu: I swear I'll finish up all the galges in the world but you would still be at stage zero with Onoda.

    Ayumi: Oh look, the girl you're trying to woo, is going to be grabbed by tentacles.

    As Hiromitsu rushed back to his game, the screen froze with a 'Game Over' sign as Hiromitsu sulked as he got distracted by Ayumi. Ayumi, in another of her classic swerve, managed yet again, to change the conversation topic.

    Hiromitsu: Damn! Now, I need to restart this game.

    Ayumi: Take a break. We are going to reach the villa soon anyways. And Shu-sensei doesn't like those pervy games anyways.

    Hiromitsu hesitantly agreed as he switched off his computer screen.

    Hiromitsu: I still think that Onoda will join us. He won't be able to resist the temptation. He may be heads over heels over you but he isn't stupid. Surely, he got other reasons.

    Ayumi: Perhaps, he just want to hide appearances at the Bureau. All three of us going on vacation would seem a bit suspicious.

    Hiromitsu: Maybe. But I think, he stayed to talk to him.

    Ayumi's friendly smile vanished on the spur of Hiromitsu's "hint"; leaving place to a frown expression.

    Ayumi: You knew about this, didn't you?

    Hiromitsu: Perhaps...

    Ayumi: I thought that I did warn both of you, that only I will talk to him.

    Ayumi seemed to desperately to keep her calm, as fury and revulsion seemed to take over her.

    Hiromitsu: Ayumi, before working together, we are a team. We do know that you are unequaled when it comes to swerve and convince people but if there was ever any chink in your armor, then most chances are that, it would be revealed against him.

    Ayumi: I can confront...

    Hiromitsu: Don't play tough. I'm not denying that you could have do it but Onoda is probably better suited for this.

    Ayumi: I hope that Ono-kun doesn't mess it up!

    Hiromitsu comforted Ayumi with a shoulder tap as he smiled merrily towards her.

    Hiromitsu: Keep hope in both of us! Even if we may quarrel as individuals, our bond shall never let you down.

    Ayumi nodded back to Hiromitsu. Fate might have snatched his smell and touch but for Ayumi, Hiromitsu's flair for encouragement and his sensible ways were unparalleled. For someone whose legs were partially unusable, his support was the most reliable. Once again, his brotherly comfort soothed her completely. And within few minutes later, they neared their destination.

    Hiromitsu: Here we are! Shu-sensei's palatial villa!

    Ayumi: There's someone flagging towards us to land there.

    Hiromitsu: That's a butler, right? And isn't that Yakushi-san alongside him?

    Ayumi: Yes, it is. Weirdly, he is also in a butler uniform. And they got a Drone puppy in a maid uniform.

    Hiromitsu: Shu-sensei always had that knack for weird things.

    Ayumi: That being said, that Drone could test whether Kaede's new chip is working or not.

    Hiromitsu:That's nice but right now, he's dozed off and I'm not carrying him!

    Ayumi: I got an idea. How about you lend him one of your wheelchairs?

    Hiromitsu: That's a straight no!

    Ayumi: Come on, don't be so stingy. I'm sure that you hid some of your "collection" in this jet.

    Hiromitsu: These are not a collection. It's my way of life!

    Ayumi: You said yourself that we can't carry him like that.

    Hiromitsu reluctantly agreed and with a click, a hidden roof in the jet opened up. From there, was arranged an array of wheelchairs of all colours.

    Hiromitsu: I'm choosing apple-green as it's suitable for reunions. Pick anyone for Kaede but he better not scratch it.

    Ayumi just picked one randomly while she laughed at Hiromitsu sulking; who was getting on his apple-green wheelchair and changed his pair of specs too into a green one. Ever since Ayumi, Hiromitsu was fanatic about colours but she never thought that his obsession will take such proportions once he'll get a paycheck. She lifted Kaede onto the wheelchair as the jet auto-landed and the door opened.

    Yakushi:: Welcome, you bunch of mischievous kids!

    The old Yakushi elegantly welcomed all of them with lots of fervor.

    Ayumi: Thank you, Yakushi-san!

    Hiromitsu: Why are you and your personnel in butler outfits, Yakushi-san?

    Yakushi: Oh, your sensei wants to live in more grandor, it seems.

    They all casually chuckled before they decided to enter the palace.

    Yakushi:: Leave the sleeping companion in the hands of Takagi. He'll take good care of him and take him to the guestroom. In the meanwhile, you two, can catch up time with your sensei.

    Ayumi handed Kaede's wheelchair to the relatively young butler who walked off.

    Hiromitsu: Be careful with the wheelchair!

    Takagi: Yes, sir!

    Soon, Ayumi and Hiromitsu, led by Yakushi:, walked into the castle as they saw a maid driving a highly sophisticated wheelchair with a well-built but aged man on it, in the hallway.

    Hiromitsu: SHU-SENSEI!

    Shusei: Don't scream, Arai! I'm glad to meet you too.

    Hiromitsu: How can your old eyes and deaf ears perceive that I screamed?

    Shusei: My lip reading still functions perfectly, my boy! And my eyes are not only for lip-reading. There are 27 muscles in your face that contracts when you overexert your vocals.

    Hiromitsu: Sharp as always, then. But I did scream on purpose though.

    Hiromitsu and Shusei exchanged smiles; as the latter looked upon Ayumi.

    Shusei: So my brave girl, you decided to go forth with your idea?

    Ayumi: Indeed and I brought your desired visitor.

    Shusei: Excellent but have you used your heart in this decision?

    Ayumi: What do you mean, sensei?

    Shusei: You are my brightest student, Ayumi and I know that you analysed all possibilities before going ahead with this mission. However, at times, some decision require an equal assistance from the heart and brain.

    Ayumi: I won't back out, sensei. It's for the welfare of everybody.

    Shusei: Very well. Then lead me towards him then and I'll tell him the truth.

    Ayumi: I made a pact with him - He shall know the name and location of his brother, once the mission is completed.

    Shusei: Understood, I'll only need to reveal the half-truth then.

    Ayumi nodded affirmatively as she looked upon old Shusei in admiration.

    Shusei: Yakushi, where is our guest?

    Yakushi:: I'm guessing you'll find him in one of the guestrooms.

    Shusei: I'll have my nosy genius, Ayumi drive me there then. You may dismiss, Yakushi.

    Yakushi:: Very well then.

    Meanwhile, Kaede was having those nightmares yet again. He felt a rushing in his ears; that of faint screams of help. Massive bloodshed and panic amidst a carnage as he felt the pain and despair of multiple people. Quick successions of horrendous images kept flashing in his mind but away from in a blinking second, there was a convivial image - that of two children cuddling and playing together with innocent smiles. Suddenly, that blissful memory faded as his head drew a dark fog. There was a laughter. A high-pitch nefarious laughter as he opened his eyes shell-shocked. His view was still slightly blurred, as he slowly saw olden Shusei by his bedside, smiling gleefully to him while Ayumi and Hiromitsu were behind Shusei. He felt cold sweat on his face as Shusei moved nearer towards him.

    Shusei: Hello there, my boy! I wonder if you recognize me.

    Kaede: I'm afraid I don't.

    Shusei: My name is Nadaguchi Shusei. Ex-Director of CIA and we met briefly...

    Kaede: Excuse me but who am I?

    Ayumi and Hiromitsu looked towards each other perplexedly as Kaede seemed cold but also, even more confused than both of them.

    Shusei: You are Kaede. Can't you remember how you ended up here?

    Kaede: I can't...I can't remember anything...

    Shusei: Look at Ayumi - you recognize her, right?

    Shusei pointed towards Ayumi and as Kaede looked upon the appalled face of Ayumi, images of their meeting resurfaced. Soon, the memories of his prison stay, the daily sufferings in captivity, the deal with Ayumi and her angelic face in the backdrop of the azure flashed into his head; as he gasped ponderously.

    Kaede: I can remember now. I was a Prisoner that Ayumi freed.

    Ayumi and Hiromitsu were relieved as Kaede seemed back to himself.

    Kaede: I still can't guess who you are though.

    Shusei: Your mind seems a little foggy right now. I'll try to guide you: I met you for a brief instant after we retrieved you on Yukishima Island.

    Kaede: Yukishima Island? Where is that? And why was I there?

    Shusei was gazing Kaede with extreme concentration, as he deemed the confusion of Kaede to be genuine.

    Shusei: This is a picture of the island. Does this evoke anything to you?

    Kaede grabbed the picture that Shusei handed to him but no matter how he delved into the picture, his head remained blank.

    Kaede: I'd like to remain alone for some instants.

    All of them were dismayed but they all nodded to leave Kaede alone for now, was the better case. They all made their way down; away from Kaede.

    Shusei: I'm afraid, Kaede suffers from Focal Retrograde Amnesia. Luckily, it doesn't seem too serious but right now, his farthest memories seemed blacked out inside him.

    Hiromitsu: This is all crazy! How can he suffer a blackout?

    Ayumi remained silent. Deep inside her, countless theories were being formed as she tried to understand how everything turned upside down.

    Shusei: Anything that happened in the jet? Or while he was with you Ayumi?

    Hiromitsu and Ayumi looked towards each other. Right now, both of them were in sync and fearing the same thing.

    Ayumi: No way!

    Hiromitsu: I told you to wait and to be more careful.

    Ayumi: This can't be. I executed the whole procedure in perfection; albeit in haste.

    Hiromitsu: Haste is the work of devils, Ayumi.

    Ayumi wasn't to admit it - she was confident of how she injected the chip into the vertebral column smoothly.

    Ayumi: What if it's just your chip that's faulty and had side-effects.

    Hiromitsu: Now, don't put the hat upon me. Besides, how can "that" leads to amnesia?

    Shusei: Whatever both of you did, this better not be serious.

    Hiromitsu: Sensei is right, Ayumi. Now, we can't even take him to medical facilities.

    Something was off - Ayumi could feel it. Her luring of Kaede, the deal, the injection. All of that were successfully pulled-off.

    Ayumi: Maybe he is just faking the memory loss?

    Hiromitsu: I doubt it. I did not sense an ounce of dishonesty in his voice and more than my eyes, I'd blindly believe into Shu-sensei's scent.

    Ayumi couldn't deny Hiromitsu's point. He was right because even in her eyes, Shu-sensei's smell sense was the most effective lie detector.

    Hiromitsu: Perhaps, he lured you since that jail. What if he planned his amnesiac drama for a full-proof escape?

    As much as Hiromitsu's conspiracy theory could have solved this mystery, Ayumi shook her head in disbelief. Without a shred of doubt, she was emphatic that she baited Kaede; and not vice-versa.

    Hiromitsu: Whatsoever, he must recover at all costs! A witness with a blackout cannot help us in any means.

    Shusei: Even if we get a veiled hint from him, that would be a start. Ayumi, you are disturbed but you are the most skilled in interrogation. The most prodigious in that field. Kaede's memory resides in your hands but your state of mind need to unhindered for that.

    Ayumi was trying to emerge from the clash between her optimists and pessimists thoughts. If she was faulty of his situation, was she the right one to handle this interrogation? If it was Kaede who were the master-puppeteer, was it correct to blindfully remain in that spot?

    Hiromitsu: What will you do, Ayumi?


    ~END OF CHAPTER~


    Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
     
         
    Last edited by Escorpiius; 07-03-2013 at 08:12 AM.

  2. #2
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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Nice!
    ----------------
    Whats with your avatar and that of many other mods?
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Wow, I really liked it...
    I wish my ff's were that good :/
     
         

  4. #4
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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by sky4life View Post
    Nice!
    ----------------
    Whats with your avatar and that of many other mods?
    The brush... It means that he's doing some "Clean Up," so you should be careful of how you act on the forum, making sure to follow the rules... , I'm just kidding with you

    ------------------------------------------------

    On to the review:

    "Kaede: Still a canoe? You c.." - Would be better with a "," between Still and the rest of the sentence =p

    The opening sequence - I was think about how they were rowing/steering the boat as I read, and normally, the one rowing is faced towards the back of the boat, rowing in the opposite direction of how he's seated. I guess one could row being seated in forward position too though, but I'm not really sure if that's so efficient. I'm guessing that's what he's doing, so no wonder it's going slow, haha =p At first I thought she was positioned in the back of the boat, that way he could look at her, but if so, she wouldn't be the one to see the prison island disappearing in the distance, but Kaede.

    The jet for some reason reminded me of the one they have in The Avengers, but I guess it's just a normal jet of the future.

    Something I've adopted lately that I didn't use much/think much about in the past, is the "right" (not entirely sure if it's a right and/or wrong way though, but it seems to be) use of "interrupting character's dialogues." To differ "..." and "-..." For example, here you have Ayumi saying: "We..." as she gets interrupted. I think the right way should be with a "-" as it signals more to come, while only using "..." signals a longer pause, usually followed by taking a breath. Just thought I would point that out, but please give me your thought on it.

    There's always room for improvement, and even if you're way better than me when it comes to writing, it's often easier to spot small things like the one above for readers who haven't spent hours writing it. I for one probably have many small "mistakes" if you may, like that, but no matter how many times I go through it/over it, I'm always bound to miss some of them. That's why I have my readers (at least I like to think I have, haha), and that's why you have me, lol. Trying to help you the best way I can, regardless of you adopting to it or not ;D

    Hiromitsu... I like the way you used different color scheme for each of his letters, something I've never seen before, and it was a fresh use of the "script" style for sure.

    "Hiromitsu:"-"You want to use it now?" - You forgot a space here.

    "Hiromitsu: Onoda didn't wanted to come." - "Want" perhaps?

    "Hiromitsu: He is weird but Ayumi, why don't you accept his advances?

    Ayumi: You want me to be like one of your eroge characters that you're playing right now?

    Hiromitsu: Except the anal, I don't think it'll be so wrong.

    Ayumi: If I feel like it someday, I will..."

    O__o Did you just mention anal as in Anal-Sex there? xD Nonetheless, this part was hilarious, and it seems like Kaede has/will have some competition as she wasn't totally denying an opportunity to have sex with that guy. At first I thought that she actually had a boyfriend, but I guess the key part was "Why don't you accept his advances," unless they're together, but she wants to wait with sex that is?

    I wonder who "Him" might be Perhaps the leader of the CIA or some other know associate...

    "Ayumi nodded back to Hiromitsu. Fate might have snatched his smell and touch but for Ayumi, Hiromitsu's flair for encouragement and his sensible ways were unparalleled. For someone whose legs were partially unusable, his support was the most reliable. Once again, his brotherly comfort soothed her completely. And within few minutes later, they neared their destination."

    Three things - So he's in a wheelchair? One that can gravitate I hope? And secondly, is "brotherly" just an expression (as being like a brother), or is he her brother?... And finally, being that he can see, smell, and feel touch, I take it that he too, like Ayumi, can't taste, supporting my claim of them being siblings? Though they don't have the same surname, so it might just be a weird coincident. Could be a cool idea to adopt though, haha ;D

    Seems like I was right about the wheelchair thingy

    One thing I noticed, the jet is not piloted, meaning either that Hiro steers it with his computer, the jet is a drone, it being set on auto-pilot? And if so, is he able to override and steer the jet manually in case of emergencies?

    "Yakushi:: Oh, your sensei wants to live in more grandor, it seems." - There's a double ":" here

    Overall, I think I've seen some "but(s)" without a proper "," in front of them. You might want to go over them to add the proper punctuations

    "Shusei: Yakushi:, where is our guest?" - Yakushi shouldn't be colored here, and shouldn't have a ":" after his name.

    "Shusei: I'll have my nosy genius, Ayumi drive me there then. You may dispose off, Yakushi:." - Same thing here, plus you have a ":" after Yakushi. Also, isn't it a bit strange to say "You may dispose off" ?? Isn't dispose a word mainly use to getting rid off something? I think "You may take your leave" or "You may dismiss" would be better, but that's my opinion though.

    Okay, on to my actual thoughts, I'm not here just to point out things after all! ;D

    Not much happened in this chapter story wise, but it was great build-up wise, and the development of the characters progressed quite nicely. The dialogues are well done too, driving the plot forward, and the pacing of this chapter was accurate compared to the previous one. It's good that you're taking your time building up this story, not rushing off to battle or anything. The length is perfect in my opinion, and the dialogues are just the right length too, by having the "plot" divided nicely between each characters. Not much was left in the dark either, but I kind off miss the fact that we (the reader) have to guess which part of the senses the characters are missing, and what their sense value and perception grades are. You did well with Shu though, as you stated that he was deaf. I like the way you in-cooperated his ability to communicate with people by reading their lips, and I'm guessing he's able to "talk normally" because of it. Not talking loud or inconsistent like most deaf people do. The fact that he too is in a wheelchair, gave me the idea of losing senses often leads to other disabilities rather than just loosing their senses?

    And another thing, I thought you where going to in-cooperate and apply a chart of the Perception Grade X Sensyl Value, but I guess you forgot/didn't have time/are saving it for later...

    Oh, and I also see that my PM/FB message helped you kick it up a notch to get this chapter up and joining right in time for the contest, or maybe you found out regardless? Happy to be facing off with you again though, but I must say that I won't stand a bloody chance next month with Lili joining too and all, haha xD I didn't think you would join with your Prologue though, but I guess it didn't leave you much choice if you were going to make it in time... But enough about that for now.

    Another great chapter mate, and I wish I could have said more, given you a bigger and better review, but it's still early in the FF and there is still much to be expected later on. The humor is good, the dialogues, the narrative, the setting, the pacing and the flow of the story-telling, and the undertone added to the characters, are marvelous and the scenes are arranged excellently. 5 out of 5 once again, and I can't wait for the next whenever that may be
     
         
    Last edited by Michael92; 07-02-2013 at 04:52 PM. Reason: Fixed some typos.

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by sky4life View Post
    Nice!
    ----------------
    Whats with your avatar and that of many other mods?
    Thanks.

    And it's as Micheal said.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hikari Uchiha Senju View Post
    Wow, I really liked it...
    I wish my ff's were that good :/
    I'll check yours soon, hopefully xD
    And thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael92 View Post
    On to the review:

    "Kaede: Still a canoe? You c.." - Would be better with a "," between Still and the rest of the sentence =p

    The opening sequence - I was think about how they were rowing/steering the boat as I read, and normally, the one rowing is faced towards the back of the boat, rowing in the opposite direction of how he's seated. I guess one could row being seated in forward position too though, but I'm not really sure if that's so efficient. I'm guessing that's what he's doing, so no wonder it's going slow, haha =p At first I thought she was positioned in the back of the boat, that way he could look at her, but if so, she wouldn't be the one to see the prison island disappearing in the distance, but Kaede.

    The jet for some reason reminded me of the one they have in The Avengers, but I guess it's just a normal jet of the future.

    Something I've adopted lately that I didn't use much/think much about in the past, is the "right" (not entirely sure if it's a right and/or wrong way though, but it seems to be) use of "interrupting character's dialogues." To differ "..." and "-..." For example, here you have Ayumi saying: "We..." as she gets interrupted. I think the right way should be with a "-" as it signals more to come, while only using "..." signals a longer pause, usually followed by taking a breath. Just thought I would point that out, but please give me your thought on it.

    There's always room for improvement, and even if you're way better than me when it comes to writing, it's often easier to spot small things like the one above for readers who haven't spent hours writing it. I for one probably have many small "mistakes" if you may, like that, but no matter how many times I go through it/over it, I'm always bound to miss some of them. That's why I have my readers (at least I like to think I have, haha), and that's why you have me, lol. Trying to help you the best way I can, regardless of you adopting to it or not ;D

    Hiromitsu... I like the way you used different color scheme for each of his letters, something I've never seen before, and it was a fresh use of the "script" style for sure.

    "Hiromitsu:"-"You want to use it now?" - You forgot a space here.

    "Hiromitsu: Onoda didn't wanted to come." - "Want" perhaps?

    "Hiromitsu: He is weird but Ayumi, why don't you accept his advances?

    Ayumi: You want me to be like one of your eroge characters that you're playing right now?

    Hiromitsu: Except the anal, I don't think it'll be so wrong.

    Ayumi: If I feel like it someday, I will..."

    O__o Did you just mention anal as in Anal-Sex there? xD Nonetheless, this part was hilarious, and it seems like Kaede has/will have some competition as she wasn't totally denying an opportunity to have sex with that guy. At first I thought that she actually had a boyfriend, but I guess the key part was "Why don't you accept his advances," unless they're together, but she wants to wait with sex that is?

    I wonder who "Him" might be Perhaps the leader of the CIA or some other know associate...

    "Ayumi nodded back to Hiromitsu. Fate might have snatched his smell and touch but for Ayumi, Hiromitsu's flair for encouragement and his sensible ways were unparalleled. For someone whose legs were partially unusable, his support was the most reliable. Once again, his brotherly comfort soothed her completely. And within few minutes later, they neared their destination."

    Three things - So he's in a wheelchair? One that can gravitate I hope? And secondly, is "brotherly" just an expression (as being like a brother), or is he her brother?... And finally, being that he can see, smell, and feel touch, I take it that he too, like Ayumi, can't taste, supporting my claim of them being siblings? Though they don't have the same surname, so it might just be a weird coincident. Could be a cool idea to adopt though, haha ;D

    Seems like I was right about the wheelchair thingy

    One thing I noticed, the jet is not piloted, meaning either that Hiro steers it with his computer, the jet is a drone, it being set on auto-pilot? And if so, is he able to override and steer the jet manually in case of emergencies?

    "Yakushi:: Oh, your sensei wants to live in more grandor, it seems." - There's a double ":" here

    Overall, I think I've seen some "but(s)" without a proper "," in front of them. You might want to go over them to add the proper punctuations

    "Shusei: Yakushi:, where is our guest?" - Yakushi shouldn't be colored here, and shouldn't have a ":" after his name.

    "Shusei: I'll have my nosy genius, Ayumi drive me there then. You may dispose off, Yakushi:." - Same thing here, plus you have a ":" after Yakushi. Also, isn't it a bit strange to say "You may dispose off" ?? Isn't dispose a word mainly use to getting rid off something? I think "You may take your leave" or "You may dismiss" would be better, but that's my opinion though.

    Okay, on to my actual thoughts, I'm not here just to point out things after all! ;D

    Not much happened in this chapter story wise, but it was great build-up wise, and the development of the characters progressed quite nicely. The dialogues are well done too, driving the plot forward, and the pacing of this chapter was accurate compared to the previous one. It's good that you're taking your time building up this story, not rushing off to battle or anything. The length is perfect in my opinion, and the dialogues are just the right length too, by having the "plot" divided nicely between each characters. Not much was left in the dark either, but I kind off miss the fact that we (the reader) have to guess which part of the senses the characters are missing, and what their sense value and perception grades are. You did well with Shu though, as you stated that he was deaf. I like the way you in-cooperated his ability to communicate with people by reading their lips, and I'm guessing he's able to "talk normally" because of it. Not talking loud or inconsistent like most deaf people do. The fact that he too is in a wheelchair, gave me the idea of losing senses often leads to other disabilities rather than just loosing their senses?

    And another thing, I thought you where going to in-cooperate and apply a chart of the Perception Grade X Sensyl Value, but I guess you forgot/didn't have time/are saving it for later...

    Oh, and I also see that my PM/FB message helped you kick it up a notch to get this chapter up and joining right in time for the contest, or maybe you found out regardless? Happy to be facing off with you again though, but I must say that I won't stand a bloody chance next month with Lili joining too and all, haha xD I didn't think you would join with your Prologue though, but I guess it didn't leave you much choice if you were going to make it in time... But enough about that for now.

    Another great chapter mate, and I wish I could have said more, given you a bigger and better review, but it's still early in the FF and there is still much to be expected later on. The humor is good, the dialogues, the narrative, the setting, the pacing and the flow of the story-telling, and the undertone added to the characters, are marvelous and the scenes are arranged excellently. 5 out of 5 once again, and I can't wait for the next whenever that may be
    I've corrected most of the punctuations errors and grammatical mistakes that you pointed out ^^

    Well, your positioning about characters is very good, and yes, that was one of the reasons that the boat was not really moving at a fast speed :D But then again, rowing is a nice sport where having advanced vision skills help, don't you think?

    The jet, tbh, I still don't know how to describe it It's there in my head, but I couldn't bring it, as well, into words...Disappointed with that part myself

    As for the "..." and "-" usage for interruption, I stick to "...". Reason being that "..." is a punctuation mark for 'to be continued' and I think, it fits very well into speech interruption. Like, the speech was left hanging into "To be continued" mode as someone else took the flag.

    Added that part in Spoilers since as I said, I corrected them. Thanks for the suggestions

    To picture Ayumi and Onoda's chances of relation, it's simple: It's like inverse Sakura-Sasuke roles. I didn't modelled them after those 2 but since you don't see as many other animes, I think you'll relate easily to that. Since, I haven't introduce Onoda yet, I won't decipher much on that...And yes, the anal reference was indeed there - you didn't misread

    Oh, yeah, "Him" - We'll leave "Him" on the cliffhanger for now; just as, we'll left who is "Azazel Enigma?" on the cliffhanger after the first chapter...

    Gravitational wheelchair? Nice idea but didn't really thought of that. There's room to implement it though No, as you said, they don't have same surnames and thereby, they are not siblings. The "brotherly" is like "brother-like most caring friend".

    And actually, you didn't seem to grasp that part. Hiromitsu cannot smell and cannot touch. The phrase has irony in it, that you seemed to have not understood. Maybe you read it in a hurry, as I clearly stated: "Fate might have snatched his smell and touch..." Perhaps, it's one of the rare times when your keen eye failed you, Mikey xD

    The Yakushi coloring is a huge coding mistake from my side. Thing is that Hiromitsu's complex coloring makes hard to pin-point coding flaws and thereby, Yakushi's coding went unnoticed from my side. And yes, Hiromitsu's coloring was new but also, quite hard to code Though, for someone who hated coloring names in my first FF, I made progress on that front

    Thanks for everything. Well, yes, nothing much happened in this chapter - save for the plot-twist at the end! But mostly, I worked upon points unworked in Chapter 1 in this chapter. Namely, more characters' personality and looks- description, more characters interactions as Chapter 1 was a Kaede-Ayumi devoted chapter, there were also many new small clues about how the current world but maybe you missed on that ^^ And yes, more interactive dialogues compared to the psychological element in Chapter 1.

    Leaving the reader to guess about which Senses they have lost, and what would be the Sensyl Values/Percept Grade ect... is the reason I'm skeptical to add the Data Table. I feel that it is a nice guessing game but it seems I'll need to do it as there remain quite some confusion. Like you didn't guess yet, that the lost of touch is the main link between why Shusei and Hiromitsu are in wheelchair. I thought that, since both of them were introduced in same chapter, you would have make that connection.

    But for the Table, I'm working on it but yes, the factor stated above and the time factor, were both major issues of why it didn't make it to this chapter.

    Well, the PM didn't make much difference; though I appreciated your move. Like a true friend, you seemed eager to help and notify me. So, I thank you deeply for that

    Okay, now it's too many praises showering but thanks for all ^^
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    I really liked the comedy in the beginning and perhaps Ayumi forced Kaede to paddle a canoe as punishment for his earlier remarks Okay, its very apparent that Kaede hasn’t been with a woman for quite some time via his daydreaming about her. However, he needs to cease or she will unleash for fury lol I liked the gadget that Ayumi activated and the fact that she strived to leave that area unnoticed by the prison as it kind of reminded me of James Bond ^^ I’m loving more and more Ayumi’s persona I thought it was also interesting to read that Kaede attempted to detect human residence in the back of the jet via enhanced smell. Oh-that box contains a literal counter to the Sensyl ability. So the reasoning behind the Sensyl counter is in case Kaede was to be captured I take it? I thought Kaede possessed a wild imagination concerning the box’s contents, whilst I in the other hand had thought something again gadget-like lol I liked the character development between Ayumi and Hiromitsu. I wonder what is the significance with those Kaede nightmares. I almost didn’t believe that Kaede lost his memory but I suppose it was a side effect of the substance in the syringe. So this memory loss has now become a great hindrance and its up to Ayumi to correct. Overall exceptional chapter and looking forward to the next!
     
         

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    Legendary Sage of Konoha Michael92's Avatar
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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Escorpiius View Post
    And it's as Micheal said.

    I've corrected most of the punctuations errors and grammatical mistakes that you pointed out ^^

    Well, your positioning about characters is very good, and yes, that was one of the reasons that the boat was not really moving at a fast speed :D But then again, rowing is a nice sport where having advanced vision skills help, don't you think?

    The jet, tbh, I still don't know how to describe it It's there in my head, but I couldn't bring it, as well, into words...Disappointed with that part myself

    As for the "..." and "-" usage for interruption, I stick to "...". Reason being that "..." is a punctuation mark for 'to be continued' and I think, it fits very well into speech interruption. Like, the speech was left hanging into "To be continued" mode as someone else took the flag.

    Added that part in Spoilers since as I said, I corrected them. Thanks for the suggestions

    To picture Ayumi and Onoda's chances of relation, it's simple: It's like inverse Sakura-Sasuke roles. I didn't modelled them after those 2 but since you don't see as many other animes, I think you'll relate easily to that. Since, I haven't introduce Onoda yet, I won't decipher much on that...And yes, the anal reference was indeed there - you didn't misread

    Oh, yeah, "Him" - We'll leave "Him" on the cliffhanger for now; just as, we'll left who is "Azazel Enigma?" on the cliffhanger after the first chapter...

    Gravitational wheelchair? Nice idea but didn't really thought of that. There's room to implement it though No, as you said, they don't have same surnames and thereby, they are not siblings. The "brotherly" is like "brother-like most caring friend".

    And actually, you didn't seem to grasp that part. Hiromitsu cannot smell and cannot touch. The phrase has irony in it, that you seemed to have not understood. Maybe you read it in a hurry, as I clearly stated: "Fate might have snatched his smell and touch..." Perhaps, it's one of the rare times when your keen eye failed you, Mikey xD

    The Yakushi coloring is a huge coding mistake from my side. Thing is that Hiromitsu's complex coloring makes hard to pin-point coding flaws and thereby, Yakushi's coding went unnoticed from my side. And yes, Hiromitsu's coloring was new but also, quite hard to code Though, for someone who hated coloring names in my first FF, I made progress on that front

    Thanks for everything. Well, yes, nothing much happened in this chapter - save for the plot-twist at the end! But mostly, I worked upon points unworked in Chapter 1 in this chapter. Namely, more characters' personality and looks- description, more characters interactions as Chapter 1 was a Kaede-Ayumi devoted chapter, there were also many new small clues about how the current world but maybe you missed on that ^^ And yes, more interactive dialogues compared to the psychological element in Chapter 1.

    Leaving the reader to guess about which Senses they have lost, and what would be the Sensyl Values/Percept Grade ect... is the reason I'm skeptical to add the Data Table. I feel that it is a nice guessing game but it seems I'll need to do it as there remain quite some confusion. Like you didn't guess yet, that the lost of touch is the main link between why Shusei and Hiromitsu are in wheelchair. I thought that, since both of them were introduced in same chapter, you would have make that connection.

    But for the Table, I'm working on it but yes, the factor stated above and the time factor, were both major issues of why it didn't make it to this chapter.

    Well, the PM didn't make much difference; though I appreciated your move. Like a true friend, you seemed eager to help and notify me. So, I thank you deeply for that

    Okay, now it's too many praises showering but thanks for all ^^
    Oh really now, I was just taking that out of the blue xD =p

    Glad I could help, even though you pretty much are flawless compared to me, ha

    I don't know if this part of the reply is just something you came up on the go when you saw what I wrote, but good answer nonetheless =p

    I see... Well it's not that easy to get everything perfect, and I have a feeling that Jet will play a part later on (as an active transport for "the team," so I'm sure you will get more chances to work on it, no?

    Well each to his own I guess, you'll have to apply what you think is the best after all.

    No problem mate.

    I see... Well I can't picture Sasuke saying that he would think about having sex with Sakura though, but I do get where you're coming from now that you mention it.

    Haha, alright then =p

    I always pictured wheelchairs of the future to be able to gravitate. If anyone should have such a "mode," I think it should be Hiro ;D And as I though, though I felt like throwing it our there regardless, just in case.

    No, they did not fail me xD I think I "over-read" it as there was no "," before the but, so I read it as "Fate might have snatched his smell and touch but for Ayumi." As in, fate had decided that Ayumi would catch his smell and touch for her (as in "my love is but for you"), but then again, I think I saw that she commented something about him already having a GF or a lady. My bad... So yeah, I suppose so xD

    Glad you had me pointing them out for you then, ha JK xD But yeah, coloring each letter would take time, but it should still be easy to apply the "replace feature" of the notepad too it, saving time. just have to make sure you exchange the name with the name with all of the codes applied. Oh you did?? I can't remember that you did, or maybe you felt forced to do so since both me and Kuroi did the same (it was the norm back the for most FF writers too I suppose)? xD

    Yeah, I do believe, like Kuroi, that the cliffhanger is just to throw us off really... As I have no doubt it's just a temporary amnesia, and that he will get his memory back next chapter, and that he's not trying to make an escape or something. Alternative version would be that he would lose his memory for some chapters, and they would have to work with that, or that they would have to remove the "antibiotic" to counter the amnesia, leaving Kaede expose (which would apply some thriller/risk to this FF as we go). Yeah I might have seen them without giving much thought to it. I'm already getting a futuristic wasteland feel so far, and like I stated before, it kind of have the same vibe as John's Nowness City chapter 1, and I think we'll see more as we go. I do believe that urban warfare will be a key in this story perhaps??

    Yeah, but it was stated that he was deaf, I didn't really think that him being in a wheelchair had something to do with him not having the ability to touch/feel, I thought it was because he was old/war-torn xD

    I understand, I am able to grasp most of it as of now anyways, so I don't deem it absolutely necessary at this point.

    Oh, so you were aware then? I rushed like crazy to notify you, haha xD As I knew you wanted badly to join ;D Personally, I can't wait to get my ass kicked And it would be an honor to get it kicked by you, Lmao xD

    All you deserve mate And Ivan is right on time, leaving you a lot to reply to
     
         

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    the Inspector General sanninuto's Avatar
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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    great story bro
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Kuroi Honoo View Post
    I really liked the comedy in the beginning and perhaps Ayumi forced Kaede to paddle a canoe as punishment for his earlier remarks Okay, its very apparent that Kaede hasn’t been with a woman for quite some time via his daydreaming about her. However, he needs to cease or she will unleash for fury lol I liked the gadget that Ayumi activated and the fact that she strived to leave that area unnoticed by the prison as it kind of reminded me of James Bond ^^ I’m loving more and more Ayumi’s persona I thought it was also interesting to read that Kaede attempted to detect human residence in the back of the jet via enhanced smell. Oh-that box contains a literal counter to the Sensyl ability. So the reasoning behind the Sensyl counter is in case Kaede was to be captured I take it? I thought Kaede possessed a wild imagination concerning the box’s contents, whilst I in the other hand had thought something again gadget-like lol I liked the character development between Ayumi and Hiromitsu. I wonder what is the significance with those Kaede nightmares. I almost didn’t believe that Kaede lost his memory but I suppose it was a side effect of the substance in the syringe. So this memory loss has now become a great hindrance and its up to Ayumi to correct. Overall exceptional chapter and looking forward to the next!
    at your analysis of Kaede; though it's pretty on-spot. I'm glad you liked all those small little details; as it's often in the tiniest things that greater pleasures are found. And yes, I love Ayumi's too but that's no secret. As much as it's fun to write Kaede (though I couldn't us his full template in this chapter), Ayumi is my favorite in many sense.

    Well, not exactly a counter to the Sensyl Value; but a way to prevent scanning of it. The Sensyl Values do not change with the chip though. Kaede's wild imagination is epic xD It's probably one of my favorite traits of him - he acts so arrogantly and cheeky but against Ayumi, he shakes in his boots literally.

    I'm glad Hiromitsu was also appreciated. I got a good reviews on Ayumi/Kaede in 1st chapter; so I was hoping that slowly, all my characters are well-received too. And that most interactions go smoothly...

    Yes, the nightmares will have quite some significance and same for Kaede's memory loss reason. Both will be pretty crucial plot basis that'll receive elaboration as story moves on...And I indeed added even more focus on Ayumi, with the ending ^^ Thanks for reading and for your wonderful feedbacks.

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael92 View Post
    Oh really now, I was just taking that out of the blue xD =p

    Glad I could help, even though you pretty much are flawless compared to me, ha

    I don't know if this part of the reply is just something you came up on the go when you saw what I wrote, but good answer nonetheless =p

    I see... Well it's not that easy to get everything perfect, and I have a feeling that Jet will play a part later on (as an active transport for "the team," so I'm sure you will get more chances to work on it, no?

    Well each to his own I guess, you'll have to apply what you think is the best after all.

    No problem mate.

    I see... Well I can't picture Sasuke saying that he would think about having sex with Sakura though, but I do get where you're coming from now that you mention it.

    Haha, alright then =p

    I always pictured wheelchairs of the future to be able to gravitate. If anyone should have such a "mode," I think it should be Hiro ;D And as I though, though I felt like throwing it our there regardless, just in case.

    No, they did not fail me xD I think I "over-read" it as there was no "," before the but, so I read it as "Fate might have snatched his smell and touch but for Ayumi." As in, fate had decided that Ayumi would catch his smell and touch for her (as in "my love is but for you"), but then again, I think I saw that she commented something about him already having a GF or a lady. My bad... So yeah, I suppose so xD

    Glad you had me pointing them out for you then, ha JK xD But yeah, coloring each letter would take time, but it should still be easy to apply the "replace feature" of the notepad too it, saving time. just have to make sure you exchange the name with the name with all of the codes applied. Oh you did?? I can't remember that you did, or maybe you felt forced to do so since both me and Kuroi did the same (it was the norm back the for most FF writers too I suppose)? xD

    Yeah, I do believe, like Kuroi, that the cliffhanger is just to throw us off really... As I have no doubt it's just a temporary amnesia, and that he will get his memory back next chapter, and that he's not trying to make an escape or something. Alternative version would be that he would lose his memory for some chapters, and they would have to work with that, or that they would have to remove the "antibiotic" to counter the amnesia, leaving Kaede expose (which would apply some thriller/risk to this FF as we go). Yeah I might have seen them without giving much thought to it. I'm already getting a futuristic wasteland feel so far, and like I stated before, it kind of have the same vibe as John's Nowness City chapter 1, and I think we'll see more as we go. I do believe that urban warfare will be a key in this story perhaps??

    Yeah, but it was stated that he was deaf, I didn't really think that him being in a wheelchair had something to do with him not having the ability to touch/feel, I thought it was because he was old/war-torn xD

    I understand, I am able to grasp most of it as of now anyways, so I don't deem it absolutely necessary at this point.

    Oh, so you were aware then? I rushed like crazy to notify you, haha xD As I knew you wanted badly to join ;D Personally, I can't wait to get my ass kicked And it would be an honor to get it kicked by you, Lmao xD

    All you deserve mate And Ivan is right on time, leaving you a lot to reply to
    Well, one should not only reply and thank good feedback. One should also abide to it. Given that your feedbacks on those mistakes, I see, no reason, to not correct it.

    That modesty trick is hard to work, Mikey. We know each other, for more than 2 years now xD

    Tbh, I indeed didn't consider about the details about "How someone should row correctly? ;P" So, the answer was indeed naturally inspired.

    We'll see... Can't say for now; though the "team" will indeed be on the move constantly. ^^

    Pretty much, yes!

    Well, Ayumi didn't say anything about sex. Hiro who created the situation, but Ayumi is far far far from the shy type or the easy-going girl - this should be clear by now!

    Don't about flying wheelchairs but I'll probably add some features in it...Didn't thought much on that ^^

    That would make no sense if his smell/touch was active for only Ayumi! That would defeat all my purpose

    The replace feature didn't work for Hiromitsu because the coding was way too lengthy. So, had to copy/paste and correct manually...So, I ended up making mistakes. But you used to always point to me, of why I don't color names. I'm sure we discussed this, quite often. This time, I became more lineant and decided to give it a try...

    These are some interesting questions; that are better left unanswered for suspense purposes But as usual, it's great to see you dive so deep, into the story.

    Well, he may lose more than one sense...That's pretty obvious after all xD

    I'll do it, but when I'll present that chart, I'll need to be very cautious. So, better not rush it according to me

    That won't happen ;P

    Indeed

    Quote Originally Posted by sanninuto View Post
    great story bro
    Thank you...
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    I would post something longer Escopriius, but I am in the car coming back from family trip. Well done, you have intrigued me with numerous questions and theories. I will continue to enjoy this story.
     
         

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    Senior Member Chakra Wizard's Avatar
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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Huh, I thought for sure I already read and commented on this chapter Ah, well Looks pretty good, man. A few minor grammar mistakes, but other than that, the story just keeps getting more and more interesting Nice job
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by DoubleA49 View Post
    I would post something longer Escopriius, but I am in the car coming back from family trip. Well done, you have intrigued me with numerous questions and theories. I will continue to enjoy this story.
    I can't tell how happy I am, when I hear that a reader got intrigued. xD Thanks for enjoying it

    Quote Originally Posted by chakrawizard555 View Post
    Huh, I thought for sure I already read and commented on this chapter Ah, well Looks pretty good, man. A few minor grammar mistakes, but other than that, the story just keeps getting more and more interesting Nice job
    Thank you. I'm glad that it's keeping those who read the first chapter, hooked. Hope I'll keep delivering.
     
         

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    Legendary Sage of Konoha Michael92's Avatar
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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Escorpiius View Post
    I can't tell how happy I am, when I hear that a reader got intrigued. xD Thanks for enjoying it



    Thank you. I'm glad that it's keeping those who read the first chapter, hooked. Hope I'll keep delivering.
    Make the next one fast man, Hayaku, Hayaku!! xD
     
         

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    Re: The Senses Axiom ~ Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Escorpiius View Post
    at your analysis of Kaede; though it's pretty on-spot. I'm glad you liked all those small little details; as it's often in the tiniest things that greater pleasures are found. And yes, I love Ayumi's too but that's no secret. As much as it's fun to write Kaede (though I couldn't us his full template in this chapter), Ayumi is my favorite in many sense.

    Well, not exactly a counter to the Sensyl Value; but a way to prevent scanning of it. The Sensyl Values do not change with the chip though. Kaede's wild imagination is epic xD It's probably one of my favorite traits of him - he acts so arrogantly and cheeky but against Ayumi, he shakes in his boots literally.

    I'm glad Hiromitsu was also appreciated. I got a good reviews on Ayumi/Kaede in 1st chapter; so I was hoping that slowly, all my characters are well-received too. And that most interactions go smoothly...

    Yes, the nightmares will have quite some significance and same for Kaede's memory loss reason. Both will be pretty crucial plot basis that'll receive elaboration as story moves on...And I indeed added even more focus on Ayumi, with the ending ^^ Thanks for reading and for your wonderful feedbacks.
    First of all, let me begin by apologizing for the late reply.

    Yes, isn’t it bizarre how the little things can speak louder at times ^^ Oh, I see and I’m a bit surprised as usually its the main protagonists us writers favor the most as it's arguably the first character thought up, etc. and my favorite Helvetes character is Tiberiu. However, I like that you were able to favor another character besides the main and I will say that Octavian came second for me

    I see, perhaps I read too deeply into it and thanks for correcting me ^^ Yes, Kaede needs to learn when to not be so bold

    Yes, you do splendidly when incorporating a new character so kudos to you

    Okay, I’m glad that Kaede’s nightmares/memory loss will be a focal point as I’m interested in the reasonings/outcome! You’re welcome my friend!
     
         

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