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  1. #1
    Naruto.'s Avatar
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    Kaosuanrīshudo (Choas Unleashed)- Chapter 2: In Hell

    Rustling of chains, as Shinichi was slowly taken toward the prison cell. On the special request of the General Commander, he was kept prisoner in a special cell where he had access to TV and a ceiling fan. As Shinichi entered the cell, he felt a wave of trauma. His emotionless expression changed into one of a grief stricken one. Several hours passed and Shinichi just sat with his arms to his knees and his gaze was fixated over the wall. He then remembered his parents and the things they taught him. Despite them always guiding Shinichi towards the right path, he turned into a monster. He transformed from a thief to a killer. His hands started trembling as tears streamed down his face.
    How could he ever forget the brutal slaughtering of his parents?!
    Shinichi: "To-chan, Ka-chan, wherever you are, I know you are watching over me. I broke all your expectations. Look at me, I'm a monster. But, those people, whatever they did, they're not gonna get away with this!! I will avenge your deaths. I now know the pain of losing loved ones! I'm in hell!", Shinichi remarked to himself as suddenly he started facing a panic attack again. The scene of his parents death kept replaying in his mind. He then knelt down and the attack stopped. He looked down and started laughing loudly. His unusually loud laugh changed to that of an evil one, as the officials of the prison rushed to hear the commotion.

    Jailor
    #1:"What's happening to this boy?!!"
    Jailor#
    2:"Quick! Call the General Commander!", as the Jailor rushed to call the General Commander.The General Commander brought some men with him, as they witnessed the evil laughs of Shinichi.
    General Commander:"I like this kid! Don't worry kid, you're gonna be comfortable here! Anata no ryōshin wa shinde iru!! [which means, "your parents are dead"], as the General Commander mocked Shinichi. Shinichi slowly lifted his face upward and looked with an evil expression on his face, still laughing loudly. Suddenly, his eyes became dark red and they started glowing, and veins popped up in the eye. His normal horizontal eyebrows changed into a slanted one. The General Commander and men looked in shock as the swords kept outside Shinichi's cell started levitating in the air as the army became more horrified. Suddenly, Shinichi teleports to outside the cell.
    General Commander:" What the-e? This kid has Jashi? Impossibl--- !", as Shinichi flicked his finger and the swords slashed through everyone's chests.
    General Commander:"Noooooooooooo! Gwaaaaaah! ", as he puked blood out of his mouth and fell to the ground, as so do every single soul present there. Shinichi continued his evil laugh. The Commander's son, Takeo rushed to the scene.
    Takeo: "W-W-W-What the- ? How did this even happen? Tosan! Tosan! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", as he pulled out his assault rifle and pointed it at Shinichi. He put his finger on his trigger and then remembered his father's talk, that how they had to spare Shinichi for some massive reason. He put back the assault rifle in his bag and took a sleep syringe from his med kit and put Shinichi to sleep, as Takeo finally started breaking down over his father's death.
    Takeo: "You will not die so easily, you little shit!" as he shouted to Shinichi's unconscious body.
    His gaze shifted towards Shinichi's eyes and he became shocked.
    Takeo:"This is th--? Jashi? No, this can't be. Not in this age. How is this possible?", as Takeo started sweating heavily and became confused.
    Takeo:"Legend said that the Jashi (evil eye or eye of darkness) gives its
    wielder the powers of telepathy, teleportation, telekinesis, god speed and an attack known as "The Dragon Of The Darkness Flame". The wielder of the Jashi is known as Jaganshi. It can't be! This kid wields such a powerful eye! He could finish us all. He's a threa--t-!??", Takeo thought to himself. Suddenly Shinichi woke up and immediately grasped Takeo's neck!
    Takeo:"Gwaaaaah, leave me be you littl-".
    Shinichi:"Do not say anything now, for your fate is death! I can see your future!", as Shinichi's turned his evil gaze towards Takeo. Shinichi then pulled out his knife and proceeded to kill Takeo, and he suddenly turns away his knife from Takeo.
    Shinichi:"No, you have to suffer, as I have suffered! ", as Shinichi threw Takeo to the ground and proceeded to walk away from that place. He walked a short distance as suddenly a big sword approached Shinichi and the sword cut through Shinichi's abdomen! Shinichi then looked backward in shock!

    Ch 2. End.
    ------------------------x------------------------x-------------------------------x-------------

    Link to the previous chapter:
    Ch 1.
     
         
    Last edited by Naruto.; 12-18-2013 at 04:19 AM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member bimbonium's Avatar
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    Re: Kaosuanrīshudo (Choas Unleashed)- Chapter 2: In Hell

    What can I say, the plot is nice, but it needs refinement/refining, some prologue so that powers don't look like asspulls, some direction too cos right now it seems rather fuzzy and some more emotions in the dialogue (all I can picture are Madara's rape faces on shinshi)
    Hope you don't mind critics.
     
         
    Last edited by bimbonium; 12-18-2013 at 01:10 AM.

  3. #3
    Naruto.'s Avatar
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    Re: Kaosuanrīshudo (Choas Unleashed)- Chapter 2: In Hell

    Quote Originally Posted by bimbonium View Post
    What can I say, the plot is nice, but it needs refinement/refining, some prologue so that powers don't look like asspulls, some direction too cos right now it seems rather fuzzy and some more emotions in the dialogue (all I can picture are Madara's rape faces on shinshi)
    Hope you don't mind critics.
    Thanks a lot for the tips. I will edit my first chapter right away, as even I too felt the powerups were like asspulls.
     
         

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