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  1. #1
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Untitled Ch. 3

    Yo.
    Here's the third chapter.
    Chapter 1:http://www.narutobase.net/forums/showthread.php?t=84323
    Chapter 2:http://www.narutobase.net/forums/showthread.php?t=85096
    Notes before reading:This chapter is sort of like an episode of Naruto with flashbacks. In case you get confused, its split into two, the first half in Sasuke's view (since we haven't had his perspective yet), and the second half in Sakura's view. Sasuke's part is just a flashback of a tiny part of the last chapter, (difference bieng that its in his view >_>"). Sakura's part also contains a flashback. This chapter is really slow, by the end of it, you only know that Sakura's been hit. I hope this chapter is OK, it was extremely hard for me to write it, and structure it. >___>

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    Chapter 3: It was Destiny

    The day was dangerously dark; the sky above was filled with threatening, stormy grey clouds, and the scattered lands below were covered in thick, smoking, black flames.
    But it didn’t matter. Whether the day was dark or bright, Sasuke Uchiha knew that at its end, it will become a day to remember.
    This is the day of all days. The moments above all moments.
    Today, I will avenge the Uchiha, and spill the blood of our wretched enemies!
    He looked at his pitiful opponent.
    Not only will I restore my clan, but I will finally be free.
    There would be no more Naruto chasing after him wherever he went, telling him what to do, or pretending to always know how he felt.
    He would finally sever the bond.
    But was he starting to feel exhausted. The affects of Susano’o was beginning to take its toll on Sasuke’s body. Every muscle ached with pain. He had to end this quickly.
    “Naruto.” Sasuke called. “I'll kill you even with the barest skill of my powers. I won't need to rely on anything higher or powerful to kill you.” And with that, Sasuke released his chakra, and strikes of blue and white lightning licked at his arm and hand, tingling with impatience.
    Naruto, Sasuke thought. You may have been lonely, but you cannot understand my pain. You’ve never had the burden of a family name and honour to bear upon your shoulders. Nor have you ever had any family members who sacrificed their lives and reputations for others who were ungrateful.
    “Your wrong, Sasuke!” Naruto yelled. “We're both going to die. Here and now!”
    Anger boiled within Sasuke. I’m wrong?!
    You're wrong!!” Sasuke hissed, jumping from the rock, and began to dash towards his enemy. His opponent reacted, and began to rush towards him, holding a sphere of spinning chakra.
    Today, I will prove it to him. That I was always right. He was running towards Naruto; Naruto was likewise running towards him, coming closer and closer...
    It was always going to end this way, Sasuke thought. His mind drifted back towards the battle they shared at the Valley of the End. Doesn’t Naruto realize? This battle was predestined on that day. Just like before, I will win. It is fated. Except this time, I shall walk away from your dead body!
    But suddenly, there was a blur of motion, and a figure appeared, arms outstretched, blocking Sasuke’s view of Naruto. Sasuke’s eyes widened in shock.
    “Sasuke-kun!! Naruto!!”
    Sakura!

    *

    They were already lunging at each other, Naruto holding his rasengan, Sasuke thrusting his chidori.
    No! I can’t let this happen!
    With a burst of surprising, desperate speed, Sakura leaped between her teammates. Hands outstretched to protect them from each other’s grasp, Sakura noticed Sasuke’s eyes widen.
    “Sasuke-kun!! Naruto!!” She screamed, hoping they would stop.
    But Sasuke kept coming closer and closer, and she didn’t hear Naruto’s footsteps stop.
    She didn’t dare move. She couldn’t. I would rather die, then let you two kill each other.
    Then her body began to feel cold with realization.
    Am I going to die then?
    She shut her eyes, bracing for impact. Flashes of memories appeared before her mind’s eye, faster than a flutter of lashes. She trembled with fear, knowing that such a thing could only happen right before death. Then there was a single memory, which her mind began to drift off to...

    ...We were on the rooftop of the Konoha hospital. Sasuke-kun was in the air, Naruto on the floor; each giving the other a look of pure venom. Lightning began to flash violently in Sasuke’s hand, and Naruto was holding a sphere of spiralling, compressed chakra in his outstretched palm. Then they lunged at each other. My body began to feel ice-cold with shock. My hands shook in absolute fear. No, I thought. What are they doing?!
    “No, Please, stop. Stop!!” I screamed, running to intercept them. But they weren’t stopping...


    ...And they still weren’t stopping. And this time, Kakashi-sensei isn’t here to save me. But, from recalling that memory, Sakura felt more certain of her position. It must have been predestined, from that day on the hospital rooftop, of what their roles would be. Her two friends would forever be rivals, similar in their experiences, pasts, and strengths, but entirely different on their perspectives. And she was always going to be the wall that came between them, obstructing both of them from hurting the other. This was her role. It was her destiny. And she was going to fulfill it.
    She opened her eyes, and looked at the friend who was now inches before her. She smiled.
    All of a sudden she felt a thrust of excruciating pain at her chest, right on her beating heart. Every muscle seemed to pull and break, her body began to shake violently and recoil from the hit. Her insides tingled with white hot pain. Her eyes began to fill with tears as her mouth began to fill with blood. But suddenly, she started to feel numb.
    My life force is seeping out of me, She realized.
    But it didn’t matter. She had done what she was supposed to do.
    Her vision began to blur.
    But she was still smiling.

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    And? 4th chapter: http://www.narutobase.net/forums/showthread.php?t=92135
    I felt this chapter was hard, because Sasuke is so emotional, I was scared to over-exaggerate his thoughts/feelings. I wasn't sure if I described Sakura's pain well either. The thing that bugged me the most, was that the actual time-span of this chapter (Sakura getting hit) was realistically in only a few seconds. Yet I had to write so much, so it might have felt longer?
     
         
    Last edited by Train; 09-25-2011 at 02:57 PM.

  2. #2
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    Re: Untitled Ch. 3

    Great Chapter. The Sasuke we saw in this chapter was just like the one we saw at the Valley of Ends during their first battle. Emotions flying through the air and power coming from two places: Hate (Sasuke) and Will (Naruto). What you did here was add another flying emotion in there, that wasn't in their first battle: Sakura's compasion for both of her comrades, her closest friends. What had happened in the first part with the two shinobi clashing with Chidori and Rasengan was like two walls hitting each other, cracked but intact. What I'm saying is both Naruto and Sasuke, during that battle changed in some ways but they kept the same genearl mindset: Sasuke obsessed with revenge, and Naruto obsessed with saving his friend. What changed in both of them at that time (well later on technically) was both shinobi's resolve to kill each other in the end. In this chapter the same thing would've happened only because of the cracks they already had (trying to kill each other) their walls would crumble and both Naruto and Sasuke would've ended up dead. By adding Sakura into the mix sacrificing herself (assuming she's dead taking two shots like that) both shinobi may have completly different mindsets after that. Sakura was important to both of them (even Sasuke deeper down) and with her death, for sure both characters are going to change complelty from their old mindsets (if that's what you're going for) and their changes are going to make things more interesting 9/10

    One more thing the time span on this was perfect. In the last chapter we saw Naruto's view, and now in this one we see the other two members of team 7 and even though it's a small peice of time it's very significant.
     
         
    Last edited by Reborn; 07-24-2011 at 05:34 PM.

  3. #3
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Re: Untitled Ch. 3

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    By adding Sakura into the mix sacrificing herself (assuming she's dead taking two shots like that) both shinobi may have completly different mindsets after that. Sakura was important to both of them (even Sasuke deeper down) and with her death, for sure both characters are going to change complelty from their old mindsets (if that's what you're going for) and their changes are going to make things more interesting 9/10
    Sakura's most definitely dead. (Well, I know a sneaky way to bring her back if I need her.) I know Naruto's mindset can completely change because of her death, but I think Sasuke's got a harder shell, or at least, he's more stubborn. We know that he's tried to kill her before, so I think it'll take more than just her death to...completley change his mindset. Even in this chapter, we get no hint that Sasuke was even bothering to stop, like Naruto. I mean, he will feel guilty with her death in his hands, but he will try to ignore that guilt. I'll need something else to change him, a spark to bring out the guilt, which makes me think of Itachi's gift to Naruto. So far I'm thinking it should be a giant genjutsu, since Naruto lacks genjutsu, and it was something Itachi was a pro at. But that sounds kinda lame to me >__> ". Anyway, I'll find a way for Naruto to subconsciously activate it...
    Next chapter is going to be a challenge, because it'll be the chapter that moves the plot forward. There are too many directions/paths I can take. I mean, if I wanted to, I could make Sakura's death only in Sasuke's hands, and make it as though Naruto dodged at the last minute...not sure if I want to though. Sigh, I guess a good skill an author needs to learn is how to instinctively choose the right path. You've given me few ideas/things to think about though.
    >_____< "
     
         

  4. #4
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    Re: Untitled Ch. 3

    Quote Originally Posted by Train View Post
    Sakura's most definitely dead. (Well, I know a sneaky way to bring her back if I need her.) I know Naruto's mindset can completely change because of her death, but I think Sasuke's got a harder shell, or at least, he's more stubborn. We know that he's tried to kill her before, so I think it'll take more than just her death to...completley change his mindset. Even in this chapter, we get no hint that Sasuke was even bothering to stop, like Naruto. I mean, he will feel guilty with her death in his hands, but he will try to ignore that guilt. I'll need something else to change him, a spark to bring out the guilt, which makes me think of Itachi's gift to Naruto. So far I'm thinking it should be a giant genjutsu, since Naruto lacks genjutsu, and it was something Itachi was a pro at. But that sounds kinda lame to me >__> ". Anyway, I'll find a way for Naruto to subconsciously activate it...
    Next chapter is going to be a challenge, because it'll be the chapter that moves the plot forward. There are too many directions/paths I can take. I mean, if I wanted to, I could make Sakura's death only in Sasuke's hands, and make it as though Naruto dodged at the last minute...not sure if I want to though. Sigh, I guess a good skill an author needs to learn is how to instinctively choose the right path. You've given me few ideas/things to think about though.
    >_____< "
    I see what you're saying. As for Itachi's gift i don't think it should be a genjutsu, it's just not his style. Persanally I believe it should be some Sharingan nullifying ability (I can't remember if you gave Sasuke EMS or not), like a sealing (like he did with Sasuke every time Sasuke saw Madara's sharingan Ama would activate). As for the next chapter idk if you're going to do this or not but I think it should be more of a mourning chapter. Have Sakura's funeral or something back at the village (definatly show Ino in there because even though they were rivals they were like Sasuke and Naruto friendly rivals[Naruto and Sasuke aren't like that now though but you see what I mean]), show Naruto isolating himself from the rest of his friends (if you're a NaruHina you should show her getting closer to him). At the end of it you should show Naruto's new mindset...

    Look at me trying to write your FF for you. Sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to form the whole thing it's just I like this FF and I kind of like the plot line better then my own. Also I'm better at writting stories with deep emotional and internal conflict better then battle scenes and stuff. Mine is getting really difficult to shape even though I know where I want to go with it, it's hard to shape it and actually write it. You're is coming along really well though and I think you should enter it in the FF contest of August.
     
         

  5. #5
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    Re: Untitled Ch. 3

    One more thing (Sorry for the double post, I can't edit my last post). You should send links of your FF to people in your contacts and spread the word. I notice that it's very rare for people to comment on FF or for them to get a lot of views unless the authors are well known throughout NB. Try to get the word out, a lot of people might give you reps and you could get more people to read your stories. I only have a couple people who actually read mine and comment on them (you included) that's why I'm saying this to you.
     
         

  6. #6
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Re: Untitled Ch. 3

    Eh, I was going to write more of what I've envisioned for next chapter, but this post got too long, and I'm still undecided anyway.

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    I see what you're saying. As for Itachi's gift i don't think it should be a genjutsu, it's just not his style. Persanally I believe it should be some Sharingan nullifying ability (I can't remember if you gave Sasuke EMS or not), like a sealing (like he did with Sasuke every time Sasuke saw Madara's sharingan Ama would activate). As for the next chapter idk if you're going to do this or not but I think it should be more of a mourning chapter. Have Sakura's funeral or something back at the village (definatly show Ino in there because even though they were rivals they were like Sasuke and Naruto friendly rivals[Naruto and Sasuke aren't like that now though but you see what I mean]), show Naruto isolating himself from the rest of his friends (if you're a NaruHina you should show her getting closer to him). At the end of it you should show Naruto's new mindset...

    Look at me trying to write your FF for you. Sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to form the whole thing it's just I like this FF and I kind of like the plot line better then my own. Also I'm better at writting stories with deep emotional and internal conflict better then battle scenes and stuff. Mine is getting really difficult to shape even though I know where I want to go with it, it's hard to shape it and actually write it. You're is coming along really well though and I think you should enter it in the FF contest of August.
    Heh, don't worry. I'm glad your sharing your ideas with me. Really, I'm a noob at this, and I'm just blindly going about with this story; I'll welcome any ideas that come my way, and consider them before I write. After all, I'm kind of scared I might ruin whatever plot I've built up so far.
    You shouldn't compare our FF's, or at least, weigh them with different scales. I'm just expanding on the manga, whereas your adding new elements that weren't previously there. So I can imagine that yes, your FF is much more difficult to shape, it takes more imagination.

    Hmm...I don't think I can do a funeral for Sakura. Not yet. Remember, this is in the middle of a war. Shinobi who've died can't be buried yet, or at least, they can't be buried in thier respective villages with proper ceremony while there's still fighting. Naruto can't just leave Sasuke, or the scene yet, and I still have to worry over Madara and Kabuto lurking about (I've got to incorporate them into the story soon >__>").
    As for the sharingan nullifying ability...in the second chapter, both Naruto and Sasuke already made a resolve not to rely on other strengths (EMS/Kyuubi) to defeat each other, so I'm hoping I won't have to make Sasuke use EMS on Naruto anytime soon. I don't like the genjutsu idea myself either...
    And I think I'm like you when it comes to writing. I'm more into emotion, not combat...I mean, I just skipped what would have been an epic battle last chapter. I'm hoping to create most of any combat against Kabuto/Madara...

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    You should send links of your FF to people in your contacts and spread the word. I notice that it's very rare for people to comment on FF or for them to get a lot of views unless the authors are well known throughout NB. Try to get the word out, a lot of people might give you reps and you could get more people to read your stories.
    Yeah, I figured pretty much that I'd have to do something like that to get more views/reviews .
    Yeah, I'll enter the contest, you should likewise.
     
         

  7. #7
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    Re: Untitled Ch. 3

    ur writing style is unique in here and i love that go on pal
     
         

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