Regret was not a word I would choose to use – no, regret were for humans, weak humans that could not bear to see the weight of their own decisions, their own sins, and even their own lives. No, it was anguish that had overtaken me, a mere representation that my life had never been my own, and that each and every one of my choices were but simple moves on a chess board played by unknown hands. Sickened of being used, I sought to destroy every one of my manipulators – that I abandoned my humane feelings, my very flesh, to rid myself of the weaknesses that human emotions gave me.
What would become of one that was to kill mercilessly, with no guilt or sense of redemption? Were they simple mindless robots of this universe, only to be used? Was it those without feelings, or those with, that reigned over all?
They say that your first battle is always the last. I had been full of a motivation I did not know I had - rushing so foolishly into that battle. But no blood but mine was spilled, and I had stumbled back upon the very road I had taken, my breaths coming in short gasps, struggling with each intake of air.
I had saw the path as it really were, each and every pebble, every indent, every line...and everything was made clear to me at that every moment.
he had whispered quietly, his hand gripped tightly upon the very wrist he had broken earlier. Live and run. Live to tell of the past, of your motives, of your conviction...
But what convictions? They had been gone, destroyed, left to rot in some unknown place never to be uncovered again. I had been lying to my own feelings from my start, untrue to myself, nothing but a fake smile plastered upon my face.
No, the Sharingan was not blessing...it was a curse.
I remember that day. He had thought I approved of his cruelty, and even I had thought I had, merely forcing a recognition of approval. His hands had upon the one I had cherished, whose life was everything that mattered to me.
And as blood spilled and agony poured, I had cast my gaze into the sky. I saw within it a bird – no, it was an eagle, one that flew majestically across the sky, its wings flapping ever so strongly by its side, a sense of freedom in its every action.
And I found myself feeling terribly envious, questioning why it had the right to do such a thing, why it was such a being allowed to propel so carelessly across the vast air. I felt its will to live, its every breath, its beating blood...
Then I was angrier than ever, my feelings unclear to me, as my eyes saw red and the bird exploded in a flurry of feathers and gore.
But, instead of feeling accomplished, I was filled with a sense of terror, and I watched with unmasked horror at myself as the eagle plummeted from the sky, its very own life taken away, never to soar freely once again. I had not known at the time, but it had simply mirrored me, mirrored my own fears.
Following this, I had nearly wept, wept for some animal I had never made contact with, that was perhaps one of thousands living in the current world.
But he...he approved
. He had stood, patting me upon the head, and left me sobbing upon the ground, my soul forever broken.
It took much for me to recover, but I was no longer who I was anymore. I did not reach out, and my own emotions were dead to me. I did not care for any of my desires but only the conviction that I would not allow to suffer what I had.
One named Nagato
eventually nurtured me back to my senses, enough so that I could begin to see once more, kill once more...
He guided me, speaking to me of the world and its past while I had been in my unreachable state. With each and every word, my quiet, yet undeniable will grew, and the injustice that had been cast left nothing but a bitter taste in my mouth.
I even saw him again, and I merely called a smile upon my face, an action I was so familiar with these days. Reaching out my hand, I easily questioned. Gobi, how have you been?
But things were no longer the same, and what I had cherished before was no longer there to fill my heart.
And each and every time, the memory repeated itself within my mind. Although they knew not, I saw the process it repeating itself...over and over...
...and it will never end.
Unless I could somehow stand up...and take up my weapons once more...