Re: Naruto Fade into Nothing
Alright, HHHHHEEEEERRRRREEEEESSS REVIEW TIME! (don't hate on the caps, I do this with everyone's new stuff)
First Thing wrong: Grammar
I understand that everyone on the base is not fluent in english, still, here is a revised first paragraph. (I only do first paragraphs)
"We did it!," yelled Naruto, the battle is over the and the war won. Obito is on his knees, panting. A defeated Madara began to fade away, finally giving up. His eyes met with Naruto's, "Kurama! Boy you're a fool! f you think the peace will last! Soon you all will be at each others throats again! Then what?
"You lost Madara, deal with," Tobirama said, glaring daggers at him.
"Madara, go in peace. Rest your soul," Harashima said, staring at him with sadness. "PEACE," shouted Madara, "You fools! My Moon Eye Plan was the solution. Now, you have brought your imminent destruction on all of us! As if by magic, Madara's body stopped fading.
Here's the total: 2/5
Things I liked:
Concept (People seem to get better with this...)
Use of description, even with your grammar level.
Things I disliked:
Ending of war (someone should be dead, but that's a personal want)
Length (I understand it's your first, and maybe only chapter, but this is for the future chaps.)
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the concept, and the only way you can get better is if someone tells you what's wrong.I'm not trying to be high-and-mighty (that's not who I am), I'm only trying to help!