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  1. #1
    Rage of Olympus... Fermion's Avatar

    Fermion is offline
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    Feb 2013
    Shinigami Realm.
    ”Nothing sucks more than
    that moment during an argument
    when you realize you’re

    Team Asuma,The real test.

    Chapter 1-Team Asuma,The real test.

    Three years before the events of Shippuden.

    Shikamaru (Shouts)-He's behind you.
    Choji punches the ninja he immediately falls down.
    Choji (panting)-I think he's done.
    Ino-What about the others they still seem to be conscious?
    Choji-No Problem, they are not in a condition to even move a step. He was the best one among them.
    Ino-Should we carry him for interrogation?
    Shikamaru-I don't think so, he will just cause problem in the way. It is getting late. We should be on our way now.

    Choji-Asuma will be really proud that we manage without him. I'll demand him for a treat (eating chips)
    Ino-You still managed to save a packet of chips?
    Choji-I may run out of kunai or pills but never of a packet of chips (laughs)
    Shikamaru-What a Drag...That's the reason you are getting...
    Ino (Shouts)-Shikamaru
    Choji glares at Shikamaru.

    Shikamaru-Nothing... forget it.
    Shikamaru-This was a D ranked mission. We were never foretold that we may face a surprise attack. The information of the scroll wasn’t that important otherwise it wouldn’t have been assigned as a D ranked mission and given to us three by Lady Tsunade. Then why were they after us?
    Ino-Should we open and see what's in the scroll?
    Shikamaru-No. We are strictly prohibited to do so especially the second one. We can't doubt Lady Tsunade.
    Ino- But if there is nothing important in it then what's wrong in going through it.

    A voice enters their ears

    Shikamaru (Surprised)-Who's there?

    Voice-It's me.


    Ino-How come you are here? We were told that you were out on an A rank mission.
    Asuma-I returned in the morning, I was told regarding you all and I thought as your Sensei I should be with you. So I came searching for you. I didn’t expected that I'll find you so easily.
    Shikamaru-We were back on our way either. There was no need for you to come.
    Choji-You know what we just did. We defeated a hell lot of Black Masked Ninjas on our own.
    Asuma-Good, I know that.
    Shikamaru (Stares)-What do you know Asuma?

    Asuma (Corrects himself instantly)-I know about your capabilities (laughs)
    Shikamaru-We should keep on moving.

    After a while

    Ino-Would we face any more surprises?
    Shikamaru-Who knows?
    Asuma (lights the Cigar)-As you were attacked by unknown mask men I think preferably you should hand over the scroll to me.
    Shikamaru-Yes why not it would be safer with you (taking the scroll out)
    Shikamaru-By the way, how was your date with Kurenai yesterday. What did you gifted her?

    Asuma (in hurry and surprise) - DATE! (Speaks in hurry) Oh Date! It was great I gifted her flowers. (Laughs)
    Shikamaru signaled both of them through his eyes and it didn’t took time to understand what he meant.

    Shikamaru-We have run out of water. We are just coming from the nearby lake.
    Asuma-No Problem, I am coming too.
    Shikamaru-No need. You wait here. We’ll be back in a minute
    Asuma (Boldly)-Until you have the scroll I can’t leave you (correcting again) Mean’s there is danger and you must not be alone. I’ll accompany you or if you don’t want to trouble me, you can simply give me the scroll. I’ll safeguard it until you are back. It would be better if the scroll remains with me until we reach Konoha.

    Shikamaru-So take it.
    Throws the scroll to Asuma he catches it and within a while it explodes.
    Asuma-PAPER BOMB! Damn you.

    The trio disappears and Asuma goes after them and manages to catch them up in a nick of time.
    Asuma-What is wrong with you three?
    Choji- Stay away from us.
    Asuma-but (Puts his hand in pocket).
    Shikamaru-Shadow Imitation Jutsu
    Asuma-Ahh! I can’t move.
    Ino (Makes a hand sign)-Tell us clearly who are you otherwise you will surely won’t like a stranger playing with your mind.

    Asuma-(Gets tense but in a while gains a evil stance with maniacal laughter) You kids are smarter than I thought (laughs and transforms) So you girl, you really think you can play with me.

    In a while the trio find themselves surrounded by the same men they had defeated earlier and with their help fake Asuma manages to release himself.

    Choji-who are you? Fake Asuma-I am Zamaki Girgati and in other words the last person whom you are going to see?
    Ino-Girgati I’ve heard this name before.

    Zamaki goes and without any trouble places a kunai at Ino’s neck

    Shikamaru-Release her (makes a hand sign but soon finds his hands bounded by other maskmen and also the bag in the in possession of them).
    First maskman-The bag is empty.
    Zamaki-Act Logically and tell me where the scroll is.
    Ino-Don’t tell him anything
    Zamaki-(Zamaki kicks her and holds her more firmly) It’s the last warning.
    No reaction from Choji or Shikamaru
    Zamaki-Ok then take this (Stabs kunai in her legs and instantly Ino disappears, Choji and Shikamaru get off their hold and tried to take on the maskmen but they also disappeard after two blows)

    Zamaki-Shadow Clone Jutsu! You guys are really too smart for being a newbie (laughs) hunt them down they must have not gone far. (the fellow maskmen also got on their way)
    Zamaki (thinking)-The forest is deep and my men are very well aware of every corner of the forest. Well was I such a bad actor? I know Asuma and I thought that I can imitate him quite fairly. What mistake would I have done?

    At some distance

    Choji-Well Sensei would never talk about her (Kurenai)so openly making us obvious that he is a imposter but how do you realized this before us?
    Shikamaru-there were many things odd about him. Firstly his timing which was just after we defeated those Shinobi. Secondly Asuma is not that much concerned about us that he will come looking for us way back from Konoha to support us in a D ranked mission. He believes in us. He was over thinking his each talk and even missed wits sometimes. This drag didn’t even think coolly before answering. If he came from the mission in the morning then how come he was with yuhi on a date yesterday? And well of course Asuma will never answer us so casually about her. At last Asuma never lights up his cigar in that particular fashion.
    Ino-you are really great Shikamaru.
    Shikamaru-it’s not over .We must reach the village as soon as possible. They are behind us.
    Ino-I don’t think Lady Tsunade didn’t know that the scroll is so precious. It’s totally a much higher ranked mission. Its not at all of our level.
    Choji-I think she wanted to test us…
    Ino-What is the meaning of a test in which we are not able to even survive?
    Choji(Yells)-Ino, look down.

    Ino lurkes and narrowly gets missed by a kunai.

    Girgati-it’s over, we had enough of chases. You are surrounded in each direction so don’t even think about escaping. Firstly let me make sure that you are not a clone.(hits a punch at Shikamaru’s stomach leading to instant fall of Shikamaru, but Shikamaru manages to get up).so you are real flesh and blood. Now quietly hand over the scroll to me.

    Shikamaru-Shadow Sinking Jutsu
    Choji- Calorie Control, Partial multisize.

    Choji enlarges his hand and land’s a punch to most of the ninja’s which were under Shikamaru’s Jutsu. Including Girgati. Some which dodged both Justus’s somehow were welcomed by kunai’s of Ino.
    Girgati-so you are not going to give up so easily, now I have to settle things Fire style great Fireball Technique.
    The trio dodges this but had to face physical blows of other ninja’s which were waiting for this moment.In a while they got indulged in a severe fight.

    Choji- Spiked human bullet tank.

    Well although they were outnumbered by those ninja’s but were able to knock out some of them and didn’t gave up but in course of time they ran out of chakra and got wounded. the black group started to dominate.
    Girgati-You Konoha newbies are quite stubborn but still nothing before us. Even after so much struggle of yours the outcome will be the same. Konoha tried to fool us by sending you to retrieve the scroll but we were a step ahead.(snatches the scroll and open’s it.)

    Girgati-I can’t even imagine Konoha gave this precious Intel to us as a gift. Its cheap intelligence thought that we will not pay attention on Genin’s and instead search for elite ninja’s to tackle the scroll, hence Konoha will succeed in safely getting this info.

    A shinobi from the rescue squad was already on our side. He told us that Konoha has send three teams to retrieve a single scroll in which one will be of newbies .The two elite groups will be given fake and altered copies of the scroll as Konoha had already suspected that we were after that info. The group of children will be given the real copy. By common-sense we will ignore the group of children and go after the jounin squad. Then the jounins will pretend to be defeated and hand over the fake scroll to us.Meanwhile the real scroll will reach Konoha with you.

    (laughs)I wonder if we didn’t had a informer ,then also we would had figured this out.(laughs again)

    Choji- then why didn't you simply snatched the scroll from us. What was the need for pretending to be Asuma and why did you got your ninja’s defeated by us intentionally?

    Girgati-What do you think you all are the only intelligent ones.
    I instructed these ninja’s to not kill you but make you all weak and run out of majority of chakra in the first face off. So in the case my purposed plan fail’s then I would have no problem in chasing you down and eliminating or altering you and I was totally right on this(smiles)

    I pretended to be Asuma so that I can get the scroll from you so that I could go through the scroll and figure out what is in it,then I would have replaced the scroll with a fake one. Wrong Intel is more devastating than no Intel. Konoha would think that the mission was successful and hence answer the scroll and complete the requirement’s accordingly which would have been of no use because they would have been doing the wrong thing. So taking this advantage we could completely annihilate the rescue squad.

    Shikamaru-You fool , wouldn't when Asuma would have returned back your plan would have came out and foiled?
    Girgati-Still you managed to use that word despite being in the hands of Death..Didn’t I told you before that you are not the only intelligent one(laughs).You are saying so because you know nothing about the Girgati clan.
    Girgati clan is the rival of the Yamanaka clan of Konoha. We were not as good in mind transfer techniques as them but we can easily read minds of Shinobi’s will lesser amount of Chakra.After exchanging the scroll I would have easily deleted your memories. And it would have been like you never met Asuma i.e. me during you journey (laughs again)And that's what I am going to do now.

    Next Chapter -The Desperate
    Mind Imbalance Jutsu
    Last edited by Fermion; 05-06-2013 at 08:05 AM.

  2. #2

    Fodder#5 is offline
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    The Holy Land

    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.

    Well played sir. Well played indeed.

  3. #3
    Domo Genesis

    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.

    Pertty gewd.

  • #4
    Senior Member Sherlock.'s Avatar

    Sherlock. is offline
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    Excited For The Flash Finale!

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    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.

    That was great.... Only one small suggestion.... Pls highlight each character's name in a conversation differently and leave spaces between each dialogues.... You can even add a small 50 x 50 pixel image of each character before his/her name.... Here take a look.... Though I guess I removed the images....

  • #5
    I am the most hated member Steven Segal's Avatar

    Steven Segal is offline
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    Inside tosyokumi
    Logic + facts = my threads

    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.

    The story is great .
    I like team10 so much

  • #6
    Senior member. uchihamad's Avatar

    uchihamad is offline
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    Distant sky.

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    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.

    sorry for the late reply........Any way nice chapter.

  • #7
    Senior Member Sir Aaron's Avatar

    Sir Aaron is offline
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    The Self-Proclaimed Knight of
    the 3rd Generation

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    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.


    Things wrong:

    1. Grammar.
    Shikamaru (Shouts)-He's behind you!

    Choji punches the ninja and he immediately falls down.

    Choji (panting)-I think he's done.

    Ino-What about the others? They still seem to be conscious.

    Choji-No Problem, they are not in any condition to move a step. He was the best among them.

    Ino-Should we take him for interrogation?

    Shikamaru-I don't think so, he will just be in the way. It's getting late, we should be leaving.

    That's a revised version of your first paragraph.

    2. Description:

    Choji glares menacinglyat Shikamaru.

    To start, just add basic (or known) adverbs and adjectives to sentences such as these. It will give greater visualization to the readers.

    3. Format

    Alright, for starters, space out your text like I did in the grammar portion.

    My rating as a writer: 1/5 Yep, 1/5

    My rating as a fan of Naruto and Team Ten: 1.5/5

  • #8
    angel dream dark dreams's Avatar

    dark dreams is offline
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    always in dreams
    what were those dreams I used
    to envision in
    replaced all of them

    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.

    That was awesome dude just as expected from you

  • #9
    Senior Member believe7's Avatar

    believe7 is offline
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    Cloud 9
    Just Being honest

    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.

    You are very talented in developing stories and ideas you can actually become either a writer, cartoonist or anime developer. I see a gift right here so keep working on it and good job bro

  • #10
    Indomitable Conqueror P3ĮÑ's Avatar

    P3ĮÑ is offline
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    getting too old for this shit

    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.

    Now this!!! I like !!

  • #11
    Sweety!Get Mommy's Bazooka foxyladyland's Avatar

    foxyladyland is offline
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    la mericas ;)
    Before you change the status,
    remember the censor-bypassing

    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.

    WOW I think you could have an excellent future in this

    also giving colors (or something) to each character speaking would take more time, but it would help.

  • #12
    Senior Member - Їиfєяио -'s Avatar

    - Їиfєяио - is offline
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    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.


    great fanfic

  • #13
    Senior Member

    Skylar Knight is offline
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    Re: Team Asuma,The real test.

    Alright, first things first, you really need to work on your grammar and sentence structure. Your grammar isn't exactly bad, I do understand what you're telling us, but it ruins the flow when an error pops up in almost every sentence. I suggest you read a few books in English, study the sentences, and try your best to learn from it.

    As for you sentence structure, there’s missing a few commas where it’s needed. Not only does it ruin the flow in the story, but it can also change the meaning of the sentence itself. This will obviously confuse the readers and endanger the story to some extent. Before posting your story, I recommend you show it to other writers for advice. Not only to you learn more about writing, but you also get to understand how other writers are thinking.

    Now, onto the plot. I personally think it was a decent plot, and I somewhat enjoyed reading it. You stayed with each character’s own personality, something that is good for one to do. But on the other side, there was a lack of originality in it. I’ve seen a lot of plots like this one, in both Naruto and other FanFictions.

    It wasn’t a bad read. The plot was decent, but both your grammar and sentence structure ruined that. However, keep working on your writing, and I’m sure you’ll do well in the future.

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