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    The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)


    A war that torn apart the very lands of Evion between the three gods of the elements (Earth, Fire, Water) and their people had lasted for eons and eons. Tens, Hundredth, thousandth, the number of casualties at one time became incalculable. Urion the god of earth seeing no end to this madness, decided to act for the sake of his people and the Evion realm. He used a Legendary weapon meant for the outer gods to put an end to the battle, whilst sealing the other gods of both Fire and Water. In the course of time, Urion made all the inhabitants of "Evion realm" forget the atrocious events that happened during the course of the undying war and created a veil that separated the people of Doteks from the people of Fire and Water. He later sealed off his own soul as an act of self-redemption. Peace reign on Evion for centuries, until it came under threat by the very people who once almost destroyed themselves.

    Chapter I — The Chosen One

    The boy Ivan walked through the scrubs part of the forest floor. He wasn't sure where he was nor where he was heading. He desperately looked upwards at the tall trees which seems to go on forever as the cool evening wind brushed passed his saturated skin, reminding the boy time wasn't waiting for him and the day was coming to an end. Ivan Althalos had a pre-medieval attire, consisting of a woolen jacket, with pleating undergarments made from linen. He's hair was at shoulder-length quite unaccustomed for a male at that time. The boy eyes were gleamy with brownish pupils, the nose distinctively shaped, and an ethereal shin perhaps carved uniquely by the gods themselves. He was quite tall, standing possibly at least six cubic-meters. — Fearing the wrath of the mountain, Ivan was determined to get home on time even when the odds was staked against him. In what seems confusing, the narrow road leading down the mountain got more narrower. Ivan somehow knew he wasn't on the right path he initially came through. Regardless he wasn't ready to succumb himself in anguish surely not at this point. All he could think of was to get to his village as he had heard turbulent yet disturbing stories circulating amongst the villagers who had swore to had seen white gauging eyes peering through the darkness of the mountain at night. The thought of this made Ivan's heart beat more faster than ever, albeit in a coherent rhythm. He had gone up the mountain to fetch some medicinal herbs for his sick sister who had caught a fever earlier and had completely gotten unaware of the time. As the sun rays slowly dwindle, Ivan could already feel the darkness knocking at his the door. He hastened his footstep rather hurriedly in an attempt to escape the night grasp and the darkness it brought with it. "I hope I won't be at the mercy of the night," — Ivan muttered as he walked pass through the half-way mark of the mountain with his bagging brown bag on his left shoulder swaying in accord to his movement. In course of moving, Ivan stumble across a huge cave beside the thin narrow road. The cave seems to lead to somewhere, perhaps to his village, Ivan thought? It wasn't a dark cave nor was it enclosed. The boy curiosity had skyrocket exponentially at this point in time. He lugged his brown burnished pupils upwards, trying to get a glimpse of the sun which had become almost inconspicuous on the western horizon much to Ivan's befuddlement. He felt if the stories the villagers told were true, going down through the mountain would be suicide. So he decided to make shelter of the cave for the night. Imagine an eighteen year old boy isolated alone in a cave on a treacherous terrain filled with all sort of dangers, perhaps even wild animals. Ivan in particular wasn't afraid. Sure he was weary, but he wasn't dismayed as he crept into the cave. A luminous light had engulfed most part of the cave sedimentary rocks. Not only was the cave freezing, It was completely dead silent as Ivan walked further. Even a single drop of water from the peak of a rock plunging downwards, produce enough sound that liberated through out the cave in acute resonance.

    "I guess here will do" — Ivan said in relief. He finally found a place along the interior of the cave. A place where he could finally lay his head and perhaps have a short nap. Removing his bag from his shoulder, Ivan placed it beside him, whilst leaning gently backwards towards the wall of the cave. He closed his eyes and began reminiscing of the time he played with his sister Ara. Ara had suddenly caught a deadly fever with an unknown cure. Ivan had tried everything he could to make her happy. Unfortunately, it was all in vain. The sickness had taken a substantial toil on her. The local medicine man had given her fifteen days to live. Ivan being unyielding as ever, was optimistic this wasn't going to be end of his dear sister. "Surely this isn't end, there is always a way" — Ivan reassured himself almost in tears. He was ready to do whatever it takes in other to see his sister radiant smile and hear her soothing laughter once again. Fortunately for him, he came across a song that could turn the table around.

    "Up up in the Mountain, there lies a crimson red tulip among the branches of an oak tree which has ability to hell any sickness. But be careful, people have tried retrieving this tulip only to get lost on their way back."

    Ivan had heard this poem from an unlikest of sources. A woman widely popular amongst the villagers, called the "Cuckoo woman." She had lost both her husband and children to the river sickness which had plague the village earlier. The pain of losing them, made her go mad. Although she seems completely mad, she sometimes recites poems and sings hymns. One day while she sang graciously, Ivan feeling unmitigable accidentally heard her song. For some reason, he felt this song was particularly meant for him. Then again, he had a second thought about this. "Who would even want to listen to a crazy woman?" — Ivan pondered? As absurd as it may sounded, Ivan did heed to the words of this crazy woman. He had no choice as he needed to save his sister from the dreadful sickness that had taken over her body. The next day, he climbed on to the top of the mountain, and found the tulip exactly where the crazy old woman said it would be. Not until did he start heading back down the mountain and reach the half-way mark, did he realized the warnings along the cessation of the song was indeed immaculate. During this periods did Ivan decided to make the cave he had stumbled across a hermitage.

    As Ivan continued reminiscing with his cogitation far into the night, He perceived a light peering through the foreskin of his eyes. He opened his eyes almost instantaneously only to come upon awareness the light had grown brighter and glistening. The cave at his moment was completely illuminated. Placing his right on ground, Ivan stood up quickly. He placed his bag on his left shoulder and watch in befuddlement. He took a few wobbly steps towards the cave equidistant and noticed the light had a starting point. Placing his hand ahead of his eyes, he walked further towards the light starting point at the end of the cave. Further and Further he walked, brighter and brighter did the light get. He finally got at the end of the cave and came across a huge door. At first, Ivan hesitated to move further but decided to solve this mystery since he had come this far. As he walked through the door, he came into a spacious room filled with numerous artifacts and treasures perhaps with great values. "What is this place?" — Ivan sputtered with a puzzled look? "Why does it feel am in a tomb?" He continued . . As the seconds elapses, Ivan felt the temperature plummeting rapidly. He rub both his hands imperceptibly, trying to generate a bit of heat. Turning his head rearwards, he came face to face with the unexplainable. A man of some sort, but intangible. Ivan heart pounded vehemently as the man stare through his soul. He wasn't sure who he was nor what he wanted. The man seems to had a golden crown on his head and reddish rob around his body. He was quite tall, easily towering above Ivan in terms of height. He's skin was paled yet scraggy with a white perm hair on his head similar to that of white stallion.

    "I would have to speak anytime soon" — he said quietly to himself. It would seem the man wasn't hunting him but observing him. Attempting to understand the man intentions, Ivan shifted his eyes away from him only to suddenly feel a sharp pain below his abdomen. He looked downwards and noticed a sword impaled through him. Shifting his eyes quickly back at the man, Ivan watched in horror as the man withdraw the stainless sword from his body. The sword was completely imbued with blood. "Is this the end?" — Ivan contemplated not within his thoughts but with himself. He could feel his body already getting numb. He looked at the man as his vision began to get blurred. Yet for some reason, he couldn't utter a single word. He thought about his sick sister and wished he could at least save her before his demise. However it was too late! Ivan laid on the floor drown in his own blood almost out of breath. . .


    "Is this really the end of Ivan Althalos?" — Find out on next week chapter.

     
         
    Last edited by Deoxy; 12-07-2015 at 03:26 PM. Reason: Added Next Chapter.

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    Re: The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)

    Okay! so this is the first fan-fiction have written in ages and I feel this is probably the best amongst the rest of my halted stories :v As usual, I would certainly love a reply or two.
     
         

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    Re: The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)

    I'll be reading this later, but for now I'll ask:

    You know the difference between prologue and epilogue, right?

    Epilogue comes after a story is finished Prologue comes before one has begun
     
         
    Last edited by Michael92; 12-03-2015 at 11:18 PM.

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    Re: The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael92 View Post
    I'll be reading this later, but for now I'll ask:

    You know the difference between prologue and epilogue, right?

    Epilogue comes after a story is finished Prologue comes before one has begun.
    I copied everything from my memo and forgot to remove the "Epilogue." Thanks though.
     
         

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    Re: The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinless View Post
    I copied everything from my memo and forgot to remove the "Epilogue." Thanks though.
    Well at least that's a start =p
    I'll let you know when I've read it
     
         

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    Re: The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael92 View Post
    Well at least that's a start =p
    I'll let you know when I've read it
    Have you?
     
         

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    Re: The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinless View Post
    Have you?
    Now I have :p




    Review:

    I like the premise. Kind of reminds me of elements (no pun intended ) rooted in much of the same myths I get inspirations from albeit from a different legend altogether.

    So as for the first chapter...

    It was short and neat with its "introduction-al" elements (no pun ), and was no longer than a first chapter on the Base should/needs to be. I'll start of with some grammar:

    "The boy eyes was" <-- Missing an " 's. " Should also in this case be were (eyes = plural).

    "odds was stake against him" <-- were staked.

    "In what seems confusing, the narrow road leading down the mountain got more narrower." Consider revising. "More" and "most" should not company "er" and "est." Also this sentence is somewhat broken with the "In what seems confusing."

    These are only examples, listing them all would draw out this review. Nothing a little time re-reading/polishing can't fix, which I know you are capable of. I see a lot of potential and improvement over the last work you did, which in turn makes me wonder why you never continued beyond that 1 chapter? Anyways, grammar and structure are important to most people, so I thought I would bring it up anyways. I know it's a bore to go over a chapter time and time again, trust me on that one, but it's something that needs to be done regardless. I've felt dead sick at times when re-reading a chapter for the umpteenth time, and even if the readers seems to be too low to pay back the effort spent, it is great training in the quest to becoming a better writer overall, and is indeed needed. Without bragging, my English went from a 1st grader to more than decent by dedication alone. Heck, I spend more time reworking my chapters than I do working on my assignments for school

    But yeah, I know you so I know grammar is actually a strong side of yours. That is why it's so strange having to point it out, knowing very well how great it is on a daily basis. You simply need to spend more time with the grammar I suppose...

    So on to the actual plot...

    The name Ivan is ironically also Kuroi's real name :p

    Well this first chapter was interesting. It kind of reminded me of a mix between a lot of stories, like Zelda, yet had the vibe of a Van Helsing themed plot/era. Not sure what to add to it all, but the set up is kind of cool. It made me feel like writing a horror story of some sort xD

    Who is the man? What does he want? Is Ivan the main character? What about technology in this world? Much left unanswered. So yeah, if you decide to continue it, my biggest and only advice would be:

    "Go through your chapters' grammar the same way you do with any other posts here on the Base (like in the reviews you give me – The grammar there is like from a different man entirely)."

    I suppose that is the thing that takes me aback. Not the grammatical aspects, but the vast difference between your grammar here and the excellent grammar in everything else you post/write (In chats on FB as well).

    With that in mind, I'll rate this 7/10 for now
     
         
    Last edited by Michael92; 12-04-2015 at 03:25 PM. Reason: Did some edits.

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    Re: The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael92 View Post
    Now I have :p




    Review:

    I like the premise. Kind of reminds me of elements (no pun intended ) rooted in much of the same myths I get inspirations from albeit from a different legend altogether.

    So as for the first chapter...

    It was short and neat with its "introduction-al" elements (no pun ), and was no longer than a first chapter on the Base should/needs to be. I'll start of with some grammar:

    "The boy eyes was" <-- Missing an " 's. " Should also in this case be were (eyes = plural).

    "odds was stake against him" <-- were staked.

    "In what seems confusing, the narrow road leading down the mountain got more narrower." Consider revising. "More" and "most" should not company "er" and "est." Also this sentence is somewhat broken with the "In what seems confusing."

    These are only examples, listing them all would draw out this review. Nothing a little time re-reading/polishing can't fix, which I know you are capable of. I see a lot of potential and improvement over the last work you did, which in turn makes me wonder why you never continued beyond that 1 chapter? Anyways, grammar and structure are important to most people, so I thought I would bring it up anyways. I know it's a bore to go over a chapter time and time again, trust me on that one, but it's something that needs to be done regardless. I've felt dead sick at times when re-reading a chapter for the umpteenth time, and even if the readers seems to be too low to pay back the effort spent, it is great training in the quest to becoming a better writer overall, and is indeed needed. Without bragging, my English went from a 1st grader to more than decent by dedication alone. Heck, I spend more time reworking my chapters than I do working on my assignments for school

    But yeah, I know you so I know grammar is actually a strong side of yours. That is why it's so strange having to point it out, knowing very well how great it is on a daily basis. You simply need to spend more time with the grammar I suppose...

    So on to the actual plot...

    The name Ivan is ironically also Kuroi's real name :p

    Well this first chapter was interesting. It kind of reminded me of a mix between a lot of stories, like Zelda, yet had the vibe of a Van Helsing themed plot/era. Not sure what to add to it all, but the set up is kind of cool. It made me feel like writing a horror story of some sort xD

    Who is the man? What does he want? Is Ivan the main character? What about technology in this world? Much left unanswered. So yeah, if you decide to continue it, my biggest and only advice would be:

    "Go through your chapters' grammar the same way you do with any other posts here on the Base (like in the reviews you give me – The grammar there is like from a different man entirely)."

    I suppose that is the thing that takes me aback. Not the grammatical aspects, but the vast difference between your grammar here and the excellent grammar in everything else you post/write (In chats on FB as well).

    With that in mind, I'll rate this 7/10 for now
    I actually got inspiration from some of the best fantasy stories out there such as, LOTR and Game of Thrones.

    Indeed, I made this chapter quite short so as the readers even with a quick glimpse would have an idea of the plot and thus be encourage to stick around often. Rest assured the Next chapters won't be as short as this.

    I wouldn't say this sentence "In what seems confusing" is broken. It's a adjective clause mixed with Nouns phrases. An example of a Broken sentence is, "In seems what confusing"

    I really wanted to continue after chapter one, but sadly got over it. Considering the grammars, I feel you being a writer and a good one at that, subjugates you to try and fish out the improper grammars even when it's almost non-existent. Not everyone are inclined to try and correct improper grammars structures, or even notice them. Besides English isn't really my field as I got to the University. Notwithstanding, I'll try to do better next time.

    Funny thing, the name "Ivan" just pop unto my head from nothing.

    Like I mentioned earlier, My affection for fantasy stories and novels made me decided to write on myself. If you ask me, I think this chapter is leaning towards the beginning of GOT.

    "Who is the man?" That would be revealed in the upcoming chapters, Although his name has been mentioned on his chapter already If you are attentive enough, you will notice I have hinted a little about the conformation of technology through Ivan's attire.

    7/10? Not bad! I think the lowest I gave you was 7.5/10
     
         

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    Re: The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinless View Post
    I actually got inspiration from some of the best fantasy stories out there such as, LOTR and Game of Thrones.

    Indeed, I made this chapter quite short so as the readers even with a quick glimpse would have an idea of the plot and thus be encourage to stick around often. Rest assured the Next chapters won't be as short as this.

    I wouldn't say this sentence "In what seems confusing" is broken. It's a adjective clause mixed with Nouns phrases. An example of a Broken sentence is, "In seems what confusing"

    I really wanted to continue after chapter one, but sadly got over it. Considering the grammars, I feel you being a writer and a good one at that, subjugates you to try and fish out the improper grammars even when it's almost non-existent. Not everyone are inclined to try and correct improper grammars structures, or even notice them. Besides English isn't really my field as I got to the University. Notwithstanding, I'll try to do better next time.

    Funny thing, the name "Ivan" just pop unto my head from nothing.

    Like I mentioned earlier, My affection for fantasy stories and novels made me decided to write on myself. If you ask me, I think this chapter is leaning towards the beginning of GOT.

    "Who is the man?" That would be revealed in the upcoming chapters, Although his name has been mentioned on his chapter already If you are attentive enough, you will notice I have hinted a little about the conformation of technology through Ivan's attire.

    7/10? Not bad! I think the lowest I gave you was 7.5/10
    Yeah I felt it was familiar, Lord of the Rings or the Tolkien World as a whole, is probably what I really had in mind.

    Well that is good. Don't go for length just to go for length though. Make it come natural =P

    Well perhaps not broken, but weird in a sense. Also, the rest of the sentence made it broken with the more and most narrower (which is a fault you should know about. You can't write; "He was the most strongest." for instance )... I would probably have written something like;

    "In a crazy turn of events, the narrow road ahead became even narrower in front of him."

    or even more so;

    "A sense of bewilderment came upon him, as the narrow road ahead became even narrower as he struggled to focus on what laid ahead."

    Meaning that being more direct makes the sentence more fluent.

    Got over it as in didn't know what to do with it?

    You remember what I said on your previous story? Well even if the improvement is there, it's still a major problem, which I in turn already stated that I can't really understand knowing your English on a general basis. In comparison, I also read Fahad's new chapter yesterday, and I can hardly spot a single grammatical error now compared to when he started. So yeah, what I'm trying to say is that most of what I said in that reply back then:

    http://narutobase.net/forums/showthr...1#post19175843

    Still applies. I don't have that much time to go over, so I stopped after the three first I saw. I'm sure if you just read over it yourself, you'll see the mistakes. It's mostly past/present mistakes, as well as some misspelled words (Word or a dictionary input in your browser will highlight the errors in red for you when you write), and one or two incidents with skipped words.

    Also the funny part is that your vocabulary seem to be broader/more complex than mine, so it makes no sense that your grammar should be "worse" than mine as a writer, especially, yet again, when every post you make (like the one I'm replying to now) is without a single fault. It's like two different writers altogether. Don't take my words as anything else than advice though, as I try to avoide using smileys when criticizing, which might make me sound harsh when I'm not.

    I can't comment on the later because GoT is still on my "to-watch" list :p

    Yeah I noticed, but these are still questions fun to bring up to create discussion. Just because the attire is pre-medival, doesn't mean the technology is

    Well I gave Fahad 8/10 on his, but the only difference is the grammatical points. Get that done, and you'll be high up there (seriously bro, you got huge potential, it's like Shakespeare who didn't bother with his grammar xD It's almost making me want to bat you over the head with a fan, haha. But yeah, you can do it if I could, no doubt. Just remember that I talked as poorly as I wrote on the Base when I started out, which sort of gave me an excuse. You on the other hand talk like someone from Oxford, so you can't afford to write like someone who wrote 50 shades of Grey ).

    PS: Just in case what I'm saying makes no sense, then let me tell you this...

    Your grammar and all that in your posts and messages on FB is like 9/10 (while mine is 8/10 due to simplistic English and not very complexed in use of vocabulary), while in your chapters, your grammar is like 5/10-6/10 tops. "How can that be?" I've been asking myself the same thing. Just to give you something to relate to...

    When I write my stories, I usually write like a maniac and just push on for some time. Then I go back and re-read what I've written so far, and basically rewrite most of the sentences that have skipped words and missing letters. And I keep doing this over and over, starting at the beginning every time I find a grammatical mistake (depends on the chapter though, but that is why it took 30-40 hours just to go over chapter 7 of mine in my TLSoSP series. I probably spent 20 hours writing it too so yeah). At the end of the day, I have probably re-read a chapter 10 or so times before I even get to the final re-read which happens after I'm satisfied with its content. I'm not stating that you don't re-read your chapters, but it seems like you only re-read them 1 time at most. Anyways, that will be my last cents as I really don't have time for NB right now with work coming up.

    Feel free to reply but as long as you read this post that is fine. Ironically enough, you have to mind grammar in this post since I didn't have time to go through it a few times over before posting it, like I usually do with these lengthy messages.
     
         

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    Re: The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)

    A great start to a promising story! Ivan is such a loving brother; I hope everything works out for the both of them! Thank you again for sharing this with me Now, on to chapter two
     
         

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    Re: The Lords of the elements — Chapter I (The Chosen One.)

    Quote Originally Posted by GinkgoLeaf Girl View Post
    A great start to a promising story! Ivan is such a loving brother; I hope everything works out for the both of them! Thank you again for sharing this with me Now, on to chapter two
    Thanks for reading leaf and Indeed he is. Ironically, Ivan is someone real name here on Narutobase. You may probably want to know this, eventually they will get separated but that'll be latter. Don't want to spoil anything
     
         

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